...Just Hear Me Out...
I'm dying for feedback/advice...
My story in a nutshell is: I'm 28, I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, we have two sons together (16 months and 2 months old). He is divorced and has two daugthers (5 and 7 years old). In April of last year I made the decision to move out of our apartment that we had together for the following reasons:
1. I cannot find any way possible to be "at peace" or even remotely comfortable around his children.
2. His youngest daugther has serious behavioral issues that neither he, or his ex will address professionally.
3. He did not respect that I did not want his children in/on my bed. I didn't want them sleeping with us, hanging out on the bed, etc.
4. He did not respect that I did not want his children touching my things, using my make-up, etc.
5. He never told his ex wife "no" when she wanted to "dump" the kids on us on weekends that he wasn't supposed to have his daugthers.
My son and I got our own place, and two months ago I gave birth to our second son. My boyfriend moved into his parents house after the move and when he has his children he stays there with them. During the week and on weekends he does not have them, he stays with us...
His ex wife is typical in terms of neurotic, trashy ex-wives - goes through men, dates trashy men, plays the welfare system, constantly looks for money grubbing opportunities...she calls the shots - so she says. I hate her.
On weekends that he does have his kids, I tend to stay away and lack enthusiasm in seeing him... I'm skeeved out by the kids. I kind of have a grasp on where these "feelings" are stemming from: my hatred for the ex, jealousy over the attention he gives them, etc.
We sat down and spoke about where this relationship is going. My lease is up July 1st, he still wants to be with me and try to be a family. He says he loves me so much... Yet, here we are, it's Friday, he picks his daugthers up tonight and he's trying to make plans with me and the boys for tonight and I'm SICK over it. Sunday we have a family function to go to and I'm even SICKER over the fact that I have to attend with them in tow, let alone travel an hour to get to where we have to go... My anxiety is through the roof...
I love my boyfriend so much. I want this to work but I can't figure out a way to get passed all of these "feelings" I'm feeling.
Has anyone ever been through this? Does it get better? How? 
Help.
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Comments
Sorry to say this but the
Sorry to say this but the kids' behavioral issues will not go away as long as neither parent is willing to address them.
His lack of respect towards your wishes also is troubling. Why would you be so in love with someone who can't respect your simple wishes?
He can stand up to you but not to his ex. Is that where you want to be for years and years?
A lot of your "feelings" are
A lot of your "feelings" are not going to go away until he steps up and respects you. I am so proud of you for demanding it and moving out to show him you're serious. Some of your feelings are because you don't like their mother, but most of your feelings are because you don't like the way your bf is when they're around. He lets them be in charge. I suspect if he allowing them to come in your room, touch your stuff, etc. that he is also letting them do whatever the hell they want otherwise. Not standing up to his ex is icing on that cake. You want a family. I suspect you'd be ok with including his kids as part of that family, but right now your bf expects you and your sons to revolve yourselves around his last family and that causes a lot of resentment.
No it doesn't get better. It
No it doesn't get better. It gets worse.
Go make a great life for you and your boys.
^^^^^Agreed!^^^^^ Also, got
^^^^^Agreed!^^^^^
Also, got to ask...he's staying at your place during the week and on weekends he doesn't have his kids. Is he contributing toward your bills? Rent? Food? Electric?
No, he's not. He said that I
No, he's not. He said that I chose to get my own place and that I must foot the bill. He gave me a debit card to his checking account only to purchase things I need for the boys. And I must let him know exactly what I'm buying.
As of lately, he said that in
As of lately, he said that in the next living arrangement (if we live together after my lease is up in 5 months), he will resepct the fact that I need boundaries - my belongings won't be touched and the kids won't be in my bed. But still, I just have a hard time dealing with, and accepting the times they're present. And being that the ex cannot afford day care, she insists that he take them on days they don't have school...
I know many women's stepkids come EVERY WEEKEND, and I should be SO THANKFUL these kids aren't around every single weekend, but still. My feelings run so deep, the resentment is SO DEEP. I'm truly appalled by them.
WHY would it make a
WHY would it make a difference? It is easier to enforce boundaries from the start than to change the "rules" on the kids down the road.
Not to mention that the kids are going to be resentful of you as being the source of "changing their daddy"
yes, it CAN get better IF
yes, it CAN get better IF your bf does what is necessary. a few things that stand out to me (your bf HAS to be on board with this and actually physically take the steps necessary:
- is there a court order for the skids visitation? if so, STICK TO IT, if not GET ONE and live by it.
- if bm doesn't have a babysitter, tough shit. if it's not in the court order the answer is NO (so he'll have to grow some balls). who the hell is she to INSIST anything related to your bf??? she has no power to insist on anything. her influence ends at his/your door. this is a bf problem, not a bm problem. if she doesn't have the $$ for a babysitter, she'd better get a second job.
- he creates boundaries about what the kids can touch and cannot touch.
i'm sure there's more. but you should absolutely not move back in with him until he's PROVEN (not simply promised) to implement whatever changes you need to occur. and, i think it defeats the purpose of you moving out when he's basically living with you all the time anyway. you should be refusing to do anything with him/skids AT ALL at this point. what has he proven so far? one thing for sure, he can't live on his own without you, had to move in with his parents. he should be in winning-you-back mode, wooing you, etc...but, you've ruined any chance of that by giving him access to you before you've received what YOU need (a BIG BIG no no for women).
if he REALLY loves you, he'll do whatever it takes to win you back
It's not about "where the
It's not about "where the relationship is going" anymore.You have two sons together. You need to get married and stay together for the sake of the children. They need stability in their lives. You and your boyfriend are the adults, you need to man up/woman up in this situation. The kids (all the kids in this situation,not just your bio kids) didn't ask for it.
^^^I SOOOOOOOO disagree with
^^^I SOOOOOOOO disagree with the idea of marrying for the "sake of the children"...that is complete bullshit nowadays. Stability can be provided without marrying the father of your kids. Marriage just for kids rarely works.
If you're miserable and unhappy with the current situation - CHANGE it. Don't get married because that will not improve the situation at all. Then you'll just be legally bound in a marriage that you didn't want to begin with.
What is complete bullshit is
What is complete bullshit is people having children outside a stable relationship (marriage), i.e. a father and a mother to provide for them. This site is full of sad stories of broken families. It is sad.