BS gives me food for thought
Today is my dh's surgery for his lumps in his neck/shoulder. The doc is going to take the worst out first and might have to do two surgeries. DH was so scared last night he could not sleep. He worked himself into a feverish panic and it was actually hard for me to watch him and I felt helpless. The doc did a partial biopsy three weeks ago and pretty sure it's lymphoma, just not sure which kind yet, we'll know more in a day or two after a full biopsy. I am trying to work two part time jobs, raise 3 teen boys (including ss15) and take care of DH and all I can think of is "how the hell did I get myself into such a delema?" I know cancer is something no one can avoid when it happens and I want to support dh but I am finally seeing that I also have to take care of myself. My bs17 asked me yesterday if I am making any dicisions or doing anything for myself. We had a very deep conversation while he was driving me to look at two homes I wanted to look at for buying. He pointed out to me that when I look at the places I am saying things like will dh like this or will this bedroom do for ss or is the yard ok for dh's dog; bs17 said "mom, what about asking will this house be a good home for me and my family?" He had a good point and got me to thinking how I have actually put me and my own boys on the back burners so that dh and ss can have what they want, even though I have most often financially supported us all. Hmmm, sure got me to thinking about my life and now with DH having surgery and cancer, maybe I need to seriously think about planning my life b/c who really knows how long dh will really be with me if his cancer is worse then we think? (his symptoms are terrible with night sweats, swelling, vomiting, muscle spasms, etc.) Not trying to sound mean but I have to plan for the possibility that I might have to take up the full load on my own, right? I have all these thoughts whirling in my head, is it fear? Not sure but bs did open up new lines of thought. Maybe its time I think of me and let everyone else sorta follow me or not if they don't want to. I don't know, just thinking out loud. Sorta tired from lack of sleep too.
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Being scared makes you think
Being scared makes you think a whole bunch of things. It makes you think in your head of the things that you will need to do if the worst happens. Its never to late to plan for the future. It is never to late to plan something for YOUR life. I think what is happening is you are having a wake up call. God forbid if something happens to your DH, then you will be the one trying to figure out a plan. Its best to make a "B" plan now so that in the future if you have to deal with everything else you wont be dealing with EVERYTHING at the same time.
You need to start thinking of yourself more often and your kids. If in the end that is all you have then you don't want to sit around and think that you put everyone else in front of you and waisted so much time on everyone else. You have to be good to your kids and your husband but you also have to be good to yourself. Hoping for the best for you all.
My husband died of cancer and
My husband died of cancer and it was quick and we weren't prepared. You have a very mature 17yo. You have to prepare for the worse but hope for the best.
I saw your post about the
I saw your post about the texting and pics to exgf, and I am really wondering if you actually believed the lame story about it being ss who was doing the texting. I read the first paragraph of the other post and you were very clear that ss was not involved, that he had his own phone and the exgf was never called from it. You ask in the post above how you got yourself into this mess. It is probably the malady that affects so many of us, the dreaded codependence. Whatever is going on in SO's life takes precedence over everything in yours, his problems are always more important, his comfort matters more, his happiness comes first. There are two sides to this. First, you don't have to figure out what you really want since it doesn't matter anyway. Second, you get to be the good one because he always comes first. Womwn who take in losers with no resources and then pay their way have to really look at the reasons why they behave that way. Is it because you get to be the "good one"? These situations don't just happen. They are created by choices that we make every day. As far as your preparing to take on the full load, you already have.
Just wanted to let you know
Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. And wishing/hoping everything works out.
nothinforya, you're right, I
nothinforya, you're right, I have taken on the full load. I have some serious thinking to do in the next few weeks. What if dh dies, do I keep ss or send him back to the bm who abandoned him. I told dh I'd keep him if something happened but would I want to? Further, if DH recovers and is feeling better in a few months, if he continues being partially dependant on me do I stay or should I leave. I won't leave now. I am searching to buy a house and have of yesterday decided to buy what I want and where I want, and not what and where dh wants. The house I am looking at this morning has only 2 bedrooms, one big enough for my two boys to share, I am thinking ss can either go back to bm or live in the garage (heated) loft. I know that sounds mean but I am done being the nice guy with no thanks. I am actually, after raising a disabled daughter, tired of being the caregiver/good guy. I long to be cared for and supported for once. Is that too much to ask for????????
(((hugs)))
(((hugs)))
sounds like you have a
sounds like you have a wonderful young man on your hands there