Ugh nasty Inlaws keep turning up--
So for those of you that follow my story you know that myself or dh currently have no contact with Inlaws. Due to theft, lying, drugs, a lot of crazy dysfunction.. This has been hard for dh - to pull away. He's been stuck in this dysfunction his whole life, but has been a bit of a black sheep due to his choices- choices of working, a family, etc. which makes it harder as he was always seeming to search for acceptance.
Well we made it thru Xmas- I was sure that we'd hear from one of them- but all we got is a lone 3 minute phone call from ss14 scouting for gifts ( he lives with Inlaws). Until yesterday. Before we are even out of bed dh has a missed call from mil. A phone message from fil. Stating "we'll, never mind I won't bother you". Dh ignores both and we go out and have a lovely family day. On the way home, a call from brother in law. Dh mistakenly answers it. Bil is stranded several states away with his gf and 2 kids and needs a way back. Evidently they had went to visits gf's family, got into some sort of "fight" and the family kicked them out and told them to find their own way home.
Initially he tells dh that he needs him to look up some information on the Internet. Now you must realize that dh hasn't really spoken to his brother In about 8 months. Bil choose to support sil when she was stealing dh's identity and wracking up credit card debt. In addition, dh is well aware that bil has stolen from him over the years, but dh does tend to overlook this as it was not as significant as what sil stole. So here's bil saying he has noone else to turn to. So dh tells him he is in the car we won't be home for an hour but he will look up something's then. I of course tell dh how strange it is that he didn't just call mil and fil and have them look up things on the Internet.
By the time we get home- the request for information has changed to,of course, a request for cash. This is the guy who told dh that he was tired of dh taking advantage of him and this is also the same guy that dh gave a car to and kept it full of gas all week and bought him and his girlfriend cigarettes all week in exchange for a ride to an appt maybe once a week.
So the story should end here with dh telling him he is out of his mind instead dh begins crying saying how horrible he feels that he is stranded with his kids, thinking they are on the side of the road freezing somewhere- bil begins the nasty texts then. Telling dh what a miserable pos he is for leaving him and his woman and kids stranded and dh has been such an a victim of this manipulation so long he was right there feeling as if we needed to rescue them,
Sigh. Take a deep breath dh. This whole situation has likely been going on all day- hence the early morning phone calls from the parental units. 12 hours. They have realistically not been standing on the side of the road for 12 hours. Who the hell knows, they may have been warm and toasty inside gf's family's home and had just been told to secure another ride. Likely due to either them using drugs in their house or stealing. Those would be me two guesses. Next, dh, your father is sitting at his house on Facebook laughing and chatting away with folks while you are here crying over how to rescue your brother. I stalked his Facebook and yes, that is what he was doing at that exact moment. Your mom is probably at work. Your sister is probably getting messed up to celebrate the new year. These are all the people you brother has chosen to align himself with (he lives with mommy and daddy still)-if he needs help these are the people to help him. If not certainly offer him some addresses of some shelters, etc.
So he ended up doing nothing. Bil actually stopped speaking to him when dh said we had no spare cash. However dh also ended up not speaking to me the rest of the night. Why? I really don't know. However, that just seems the typical outcome whenever there is any contact with the Inlaws. He knows they are a total dysfunctional mess but some how gets upset if I point it out. However, I'm afraid if I hadn't pointed it out and "talked him down" yesterday that he would have ended up giving them money- or some other sort of rescue efforts. I feel I'm screwed either way. I guess I'd rather be screwed and hang onto my cash.
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^ this 100% The person who
^ this 100%
The person who talks about the elephant in the room is the person who gets ousted when people have to face the elephant in the room.
You did the right thing. Your H did the right thing. However, it's pretty normal for him to feel like shit about it (and blame you) considering the type of family he was raised in. He doesn't know any better - except what you are teaching him. It takes YEARS - and zero contact - with people like that in order to truly break that cycle.
He is 32 I believe. He is a
He is 32 I believe. He is a grown man without a job. As far as I know he's never had any sort of Long term employment. It has probably been 10 years or so since he held any sort of paid employment even for a short time. His fiancé also does not work. Both live with my Inlaws.
They traveled out of state to visit some of her relatives- catching a ride with her family who lives in the area because of course they have no vehicle. I agree- that bil's own foolish choices put him in his predicament. As long as someone keeps rescuing him he will continue to make the same foolish choices, why not after all, if there is always someone willing to clean up the mess?
And as far as money? No, he has none. If he does earn some (he is involved in illegal activities as well as is an artist of sorts) he just uses it to buy crap- movies, video games, etc.
they always get pissed when
they always get pissed when we point out the obvious. they don't like the fact that it isn't obvious just to them. so they put the anger on us, rather than where it belongs.
i have a cousin a lot like bil. she was constantly behind on her house payment and up for foreclosure. her sil had a settlement from an accident and had a few thousand in the bank. she would constantly demand that sil pay her house payment, even though sil had already done this, they were 2k in debt to her, and had done nothing to pay her back or get their shit together. so what does my cousin do? she tells her sil that it will all be sil's fault when her nieces are living on the streets. :jawdrop: yeah. all sil's fault. but she, their MOTHER who is choosing to go to walmart every other day to buy bullshit she doesn't need, isn't at fault at all. nope. it's all sil's fault for not paying their bills once again. it's amazing what stupid people believe.
You know...your DH sounds an
You know...your DH sounds an awful lot like me. When I am going through inner turmoil, I shut down from those around me. It doesn't really matter who caused the turmoil, it just doesn't. I need to shut myself off in order to heal on my own. I must be able to process what happened & often times, talking it out with those closest to me (FDH, my mom) does no good. Instead of talking about things with someone that loves me helping, I feel that it's just words, nothing is better, nothing is fixed...it's just...broke.
I myself have a number of POS family members who have caused havoc on more than one occasion. Nine times out of ten, I will do anything & everything to help only to be reminded of WHY others have said "Screw them!"...I cry when I am unable to help because I feel I must protect myself but still feel bad that I'm leaving someone in my family to the wolves, so to speak. FDH does not understand why I shut myself down. He gets hurt by the fact that he feels I'm "punishing" him but in all actuality, it's me, doing what I need to do to work through whatever incidents have taken place. I don't do it because I'm mad at him, I don't do it because he has hurt me, I do it because it is what I have to do in order to be able to deal with my issues.
I hope that what I've said makes sense Hismineandours. I'm sorry that you are feeling "screwed" either way...really I am. But I can relate to how your DH is feeling & what he is going through. If I'm not mistaken, he has shut down (from you) when things have happened in the past too...maybe it's his way of coping with the shit that he was dealt as far as family goes.
(((hugs))) It's not fair, I know. I just wanted to give my own experience with dealing with this kind of thing to maybe help you understand where he is coming from.
Thanks anywho for your
Thanks anywho for your perspective. I know my dh loves me and I also know this is his way of dealing. He played video games all night. I guess he could have behaved worse- just sucks for me and made for a lonely New Year's Eve. I just wish at some point he would see the drama and trauma these people bring into our lives ( although I know he knows) and be strong enough to completely shut the door on them.
There's always a way. It may
There's always a way. It may be a shelter and food from a food bank.
God forbid he may have to get a job and earn his way back home.
I grew up in extreme poverty. I've had a meal at a shelter. My relatives were constantly broke, stranded, evicted etc - not because they were bad people but because there were NO jobs in the rural south 60 years ago. none. It was a hard scrabble life.
No one ever asked to borrow money because no one had any. It just wasn't done.
I will not enable people who don't try to help themselves. I've let my SS be homeless and hungry on the street. He now has a job and a place to live. If I'd swooped in to "save" him like his mother expected he's be still homeless and jobless. Unfortunately he's still an alcoholic.
I don't understand... if
I don't understand... if these ILs are such terrible people, why does DH have them raising his son??
This story never makes sense to me. You put down the ILs in nearly every single post, but yet they are "good enough" to raise your SS?
Because dh is not willing to
Because dh is not willing to give up all of us to cater to ss14. Ss does not wish to live here or be a part of this family. When we've tried to force the issue and make him live here he retaliates by doing things like stealing my panties, my dd15s panties, and even my ds13 underwear. To add injury to insult he yells and screams at everyone everyday is here, is physically aggressive with the other kids in the home and constsntly places him at physical/ emotional risk. He has a history of drug use, marijuana cultivation, alcohol and tobacco use. He also has a history of plotting to kill my ds13. He's a dangerous kid. We've done years of therapy, meds, inpatient hospitalization. Nothing has ever worked or even slightly improved things.
His mother will not keep him in her home his maternal grandmother will not keep him because ... He's a dangerous, out of control kid and she too has other children and he has laid hands on maternal grandma in the past. It was either the Inlaws or a residential facility. Mys dh felt the Inlaws was a more humane option. Even though they are dysfunctional as all get out ss is actually already very similar to them. At least they have some sort of feeling toward the kid while a residential facility would not.
At least that's the way my dh posed it to me. Not my decision. I personally feel it is a moot point as he is beyond repair. Residential facility, Inlaws, our house, bm's- no matter where he is I believe he will crash and burn. I just don't intend to allow him to take my kiddos down with him.
It's a moot point Cheri. Dh
It's a moot point Cheri. Dh is willing and has stated a desire to see ss, have phone contact with ss, and be involved in parenting him much in the same way as a ncp would however mil is unwilling to involve him or give him any info. This was true of the first time he resided there as well before all this legal stuff with sil. It's just how mil wants things. Of course, legally dh can obtain any info he wants but since it is not possible for ss to be back incur home- dh has felt that he has needed to do things her way in order to maintain his home there,
He is financially responsible for him.
Dh and I have already talked- he's spent the whole day trying to make things up to me. Just his need to process things. Which I already know but it still stings at the time. I agree that he need to rescue has its own merit but he reacts from such an emotional place that I feel like laying out the facts helps bring him back to reality. As the evening wore on and his bil continued to try and guilt him for money while offering that he was conveniently located right next to the western union office I believe he began to see things on his own.