Biting my tongue about the damn double standard
BD9's school offers shopping to buy presents for people for Christmas. She was very frugal and had a long list of people for whom she would buy $3 presents. Total was less than $20. As she has little opportunity to earn money beyond chores, I am still financing her Christmas present giving. Usually she makes presents for people and I buy the materials, which costs a minimal amount (less than $20).
Well, DH found out I was "giving" BD9 (our BD together by the way) the $20 and he started lecturing her about how if she's going to give people Christmas presents, she needs to use her own money and we shouldn't be financing it. I do agree in a way, in that I think when she is 10 we will tell her in advance and let her earn the money. But DH gave her no opportunity to do that, nor ever told her it was expected.
For context, DH was still giving SD19 money to buy presents for people when she was 17! He NEVER, not once, expected her to use her own money (he gave her an exorbitant amount every week for "chores" she never performed), even though at any given time she had at a minimum $100 in spending money.
Just biting my tongue trying not to compare the two to his face. Why should BD be held to standards she doesn't even know about while SD19 is not held to any standards at all?
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Comments
Do what you want with your
Do what you want with your kid. I make my BS17 just this last year since he got a job, buy a small Mothers Day gift for me and a small Birthday gift for my DH and me. That is it...Christmas I pay for gifts for the people that buy for him. They can't afford it...DH makes SS go with him to buy me a gift and I do the same for him for Christmas. Same with BS. As for the aunts and Uncles, that is too much for them...
I think you do what you want with your kid....Tell him, he parents his and you will parent yours.
JSmom, BD9 is ours together,
JSmom, BD9 is ours together, but he holds her to these high standards and never even tells her about them. I know in part it is a reaction to how SD19 turned out, but it's still not fair to BD9. I want her to become a productive member of society, I just want her to be treated fairly and reasonably in the process.
I think my DH tends to do
I think my DH tends to do this with our BS almost 3. Both skids have turned out to be such losers that I think it makes DH hell bent on BS turning our different He likes being able to actually have input/say with BS but dang skids are 13.5 and 14.5 and I swear 98% of the time, DH expects more out of our BS than he does out of skids.
Of course he always blames BMs for skids crappy behavior... it's all their fault, skids don't know any better because they grew up with losers for mothers, blah frickety blah, boo frickety hoo...
same excuse fdh has. it's all
same excuse fdh has. it's all bm's fault. well i'm sure a good portion of it is her fault. however, he never tried to turn anything around on his time with her, either. he just let her get away with everything. he is NOT blame free.
I agree that A LOT of it has
I agree that A LOT of it has to do with skids growing up under BM roofs... they are both worthless, very poor role models, and just sucky human beings... but with that being said, there comes a point when one can CHOOSE to break the cycle. Both skids have had that chance. DH has offered MANY times for them to come live with us, and while we're not perfect, we DO have a stable, loving home. But skids CHOOSE BM chaos. I think they like it. They can have it...
When SD lived with us for about 3 months over the summer, and then had her snit fit and ran back to BM that was one of the things she told DH... that she "was bored at our house" Yep, no drama, no chaos for her to revel in.
you're right, they do have a
you're right, they do have a choice. i hate that so many people act like a person is doomed forever because of their shitty parents. sure, my life would be better and different if i had been blessed with decent parents, but i wasn't. there are things that carry over into adulthood because of it. however, i chose to not live like that, not behave like that, and not raise my kids like that. my life has been a bit of a struggle, but i did all i could to change things for myself, and my kids have a way better life than i did because of it.
if these brats choose to be like their crap parent, that's on them.
Vickmeister, I think you
Vickmeister, I think you would be proud of me as I didn't say a word to either DH or BD9 during the entire exchange. I just quietly placed $20 in an envelope and put it in BD9's school binder and walked away.
Geezus! The kid is nine! What
Geezus! The kid is nine! What the hell is wrong with your dh thinking a nine year old is rolling in dough to buy Christmas presents? Smh
He is SO hard on BD9. He and
He is SO hard on BD9. He and I have been together since SD was 5, so I totally remember how she was at this age. She couldn't do ANYTHING on her own without daddy's help. I just added the chore of cleaning out the two litter boxes once a week to BD9's list. I took her around the first time and explained to her how to do it. The very next week when I told her it was time, she just got the materials and went and did it. I checked afterwards, and she'd done it as well as I could (and better than DH did). I one time suggested SD clean out the litterboxes (I think she was about 13 at the time) and both DH and SD blew a gasket. You'd have thought I told her to cut off a limb! But he's absolutely on board with BD9 doing this chore and MANY more than SD never had to do. I really do not know WHY he is so much harder on BD9.
I definitely think he is
I definitely think he is harder on BD because he is trying to "fix" what he thinks he did wrong with his older daughter.
The problem is, she is a completely different kid, born to YOU and him.
All he sees is that he made mistakes with your SD. What he does not see is that he is going to ruin his relationship with BD. I am 39 and I love my dad, but he is SUPER critical of me, and got worse when my stepmother came into the picture (I was 24). NOTHING I ever do is good enough for him. My brother is an addict, has been for 15 years, and although my dad cut him off 6 months ago after a big mess, he has never been as hard on my brother. And I am older. All I know is that it is very hard, and my dad is actually getting worse, to the point I cannot stand being around him. He can be cruel. It was not always this bad, but instead of mellowing with age, he is getting to be one nasty person.
Your DH needs to see that he is only hurting your daughter, when he thinks he is helping her. He has to separate the relationship with his older daughter and not compare it to the one he has with your daughter. And he has to remember you are NOT BM. All easier said than done, I know.
My DH is harder on BS4 than
My DH is harder on BS4 than he is on SS10 always. I get on to him about it all the time. He usually adjusts pretty quickly.
I'm all for chores but I wouldn't let my child clean the litterbox. There's a risk of them contracting toxoplasmosis if they ever came in contact with the cat feces.
why are you biting your
why are you biting your tongue? he needs to hear what a hypocritical ass he's being.
bi, that was how I used to
bi, that was how I used to handle it and believe me, after 11 years, nothing has changed. He absolutely refuses to believe he's being a hypocritical ass. He just argues and disagrees and we get in this giant circular argument where nothing gets resolved. He will never see it, and he will never change. He can do no wrong, and his decisions are his to make. It's a colossal exercise in futility, and frankly I've lost the will to pursue it.
i understand how that can be.
i understand how that can be. he's going to have some serious explaining to do to bd someday. she isn't going to forget how he favored her older sister. kids don't forget anything like that. it's going to come back to bite him in the ass. like when sd is too wrapped up in herself to help him out when he's old and feeble, and bd just doesn't give a shit because of the unfairness all her life.
Ahhhh, the good old double
Ahhhh, the good old double standards, I remember them well !!!
Definately, get the circular arguement thing too, used to drive me MAD !!!
Apparently, there are no rules in the rose blinkered Guilty Dad World of raising skids !!!
First off, stop biting your
First off, stop biting your tongue! SAY something to him! If you don't, he'll continue thinking it's ok and continue doing it!
Thanks GivingTree. Very
Thanks GivingTree. Very thoughful response. I express myself MUCH better in writing (can remove the emotion and focus on logic), so I used to do this. DH pretty much refuses to read or respond because he thinks if I have a "problem" we should discuss it face to face. So I have tried that avenue with no luck.