New here and I'm going to try to vent.....ugh
So, I'm married, been so for 5 years now, wife has 2 sons, both of have their own lives, or shouls I say are old enough to have their own lives. The youngest got married and now has a son. The oldest turned to drugs, and you guessed it, WE get to feel the pain and anguish of his habit. he has been in and out of rehab 3 times, the other side will have nothing to do with him, yet THEY are the ones with the money to help him completely.
He often get's his own place and then screws it up and moves back in with us. He has stolen all kinds of things from us over the years, and just this past month has really struck a nerve with his mom as he took the one precious thing in her life (material wise) we did get it back, but it did show that there is nothing sacred in the house anymore.
When he is in the house, my life changes, because I find him disgustingly dirty I refuse to have any leftovers or whatever after I have seen him touch it. My shower routine changes...pretty much life changes when he is back in the house. He constantly eats whatever and as much as he wants. I don't begrudge anyone having something to eat, but geez, there are other people in the house that may want some too.
Christmas is coming, and he still has no place on his own,(he is out to work right now) our last discussion we agreed to sit him down and tell him he MUST get his own place. but you know, we have done this before, and she does say she will try very hard for this, but when push comes to shove, she has said she can't throw him on the street with no place to go.
So my fear is that he screws up again, comes knocking on the door, and goes back to doing drugs in the house, eating us out of house and home, using HIS money for his fun and asking us for money for cigarettes and medication etc. oh probably will steal again....
ugh
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I am not sure how old this
I am not sure how old this son is but time for him to get out and some tough love. He has learnt that no matter how many times he falls down someone will pick him up. I can understand this will be very difficult for your wife but son will never get anywhere if he keeps getting hand outs. He can live in a shelter if need be.
he is in his early 30's, and
he is in his early 30's, and I agree about the tough love, and I understand her thought process to a certain degree, the thought of him dead somewhere is not a pleasant one.
yes she is enabling him, and yes I have explained to her that I am afraid that he will eat our finances and ruin us with no retirement. That is my biggest fear.
might be an option in most
might be an option in most places, but not where we live, pretty much all "help" around here becomes town gossip. I even had to go out of town for my counsel session! but I agree, I have thought that maybe Al-anon would help her get the thought process over to she has been a good parent and now needs to live her life.
You have described my brother
You have described my brother to a tee. My family has been dealing with his addictions for 15 years. He is 35, and worse than ever. My parents have been divorced for years. My dad did the tough love for a long time, then allowed my brother to move in, and then arranged for private therapy (which would have been very hard on my dad financially). This was less than a year ago. In less than a month, my brother stole from my dad and stepmom (the third time he has done so). My dad is DONE. There is much more, that my brother has done. My mother, however, will go to her grave defending and supporting my brother. She lives in poverty, and allows him to destroy a little more of her each day. We are now not speaking, because I cannot do this anymore.
In my mom's eyes, we are all evil for "abandoning" my brother. She refuses to acknowledge everything he has done. Instead, she allows him to manipulate her, while alienating the rest of us.
Your wife definitely needs to work through her feelings. I hope she can gather the strength to make her son leave. He MUST hit his bottom, and he won't do it living with you. However, she may never be able to do this, and that is not your fault or your burden to bear. My mom has lost out on her life because of my brother. She has nothing. Your wife needs to realize that by enabling her son, she could wind up destroying him. She is also destroying her other relationships. Only she will be able to make her decision. You can be there, and by all means, tell her how you feel. No matter what, she will have a lot of sadness and guilt, but if she does not stop helping him, it could get worse. My dad does not want to be the one to give my brother the $10 that gets him a bad form of drug that kills him.
Feel free to PM me. My heart goes out to you. No one can truly understand this until they live it.
"My dad does not want to be
"My dad does not want to be the one to give my brother the $10 that gets him a bad form of drug that kills him."
This is the part that parents forget when they are enabling their kids. Well said "dontcallmestepmom"!
Thanks. This has been hell.
Thanks. This has been hell. I don't have any other siblings. Watching my brother being addicted has been the worst thing ever, but now that I am sure he does not want to get better, I am done. My mom does forget. She will be handing him the little cash she has for the rest of her life, and eventually, it will catch up with him. He goes to really bad areas to get his drugs, and it is a matter of time before he crosses paths with the wrong person(s). I know that if he gets really hurt or worse, she will dies from the guilt. Because no one else is giving him anything, so it literally will be her $10 that does him in. It is so sad, but we have to live our lives. He does not want to get better, and we cannot spend the rest of our days waiting for him to change his mind. My mom thinks he is going to get better, but she cannot see the true him. I hope the OP's wife thinks differently. It is very hard to tell a mom to use tough love, but you have to take the net away and let them fall.
I am a criminal defense
I am a criminal defense attorney. I see this stuff constantly in my work. I had one client's mother though who's second husband refused to let her addict son live in their house. It created too much of a toxic environment and was a real threat to their marriage. I always admired her for choosing her marriage over being an enabler. Maybe if push comes to shove, your wife will do the same. My SD is only 10, so we don't have these issues, but I can tell you that if we did (or ever do) with DH's daughter or any bio kids I may have down the road, I will not sacrifice the rest of the family to help someone who refuses continuously to help him/herself
No al anon because it might
No al anon because it might cause town gossip? Like do you not understand that everyone knows what is going on NOW and talks about what fools you are for enabling him?
that may be the case, but
that may be the case, but they don't KNOW the details and that is the key. no matter if there are problems or not, town people will always talk, nothing you can do about that, but until they have the actual facts, it's all just "talk"