I hated my ex's kids, but I would have never asked him or pushed him for less contact time--no matter how much I wanted it. Why would you move in with him knowing this was his schedule if you couldn't handle it?

You can ask for less time, but be ready for the shit storm that will come with that request. Sometimes you just have to dive in and I do agree with TheWoman this is something you should have thought of before.

Don't think I would have ever asked my DH to spend less time with his kids.....even when his daughter was living with us 100% full-time however is it possible for you to disengage somewhat?

I know you mentioned you're trying to balance fitting in and care about your relationships with them, but as you're struggling then maybe reward yourself with something nice (out with friends, family, trip to the spa, etc...) when they're there/it gets to be too much

Your DH only sees his kids 50% of the time as it is, asking him to reduce it doesn't seem fair to the kids or him (sorry!)

Hope it gets better for you

run!

Hi MaryKate!

I have a very similar situation - 50% of the time (one week/one week), stepdaughter is 13 (ugh) and stepson is 11.
Even worse though, the mother is constantly taking trips that last longer than a week - she's been away for 2.5 weeks now and I want to pull my hair out!!!! And of course, pretty much keeping it all bottled up, because I don't want to hurt the kids' feelings, nor my fiance's.

While I've never asked for less face-time, and I don't think I would (that would break my man's heart), I have developed a few ways to help deal with the difficulties I have during "kid weeks" :

Some things that I've done to cope:
1. GIRLS NIGHTS OUT! Let your partner know that you'll be taking Friday to go out with your girlfriends, and not to wait up! I even find myself sleeping over my friends' place to really drag out the time. Another plus of this method is that you spend time with the girls, you're out of the house, and you can vent!

2. The "Mary Kate ONLY Room" - A recent development in my house is that we have changed our small spare room into my own little "CAL Abode." It has a chaise lounge, scented candles, white lillies, and a small desk. It must be very clear that this room is to be used by YOU only. Husband is invitation-only and kids are not allowed. I don't know what your living situation is like, but if you can make this happen, it is VERY helpful! (A friend of mine doesn't have any stepkids, but has a biological son, and she spends several days a week at her own apartment! This is a little extreme, but I do envy her sometimes!)

3. "Dad Dinners." I don't know about you, but I do 95% of the cooking/kitchen cleaning in my house. By the end of the week I'm exhausted. I started scheduling "Dad Dinners" where my fiance has at least 1 night a week where HE figures out a meal for a family of 4, cooks it, and cleans up.

4. Noise-canceling headphones! Since I DO cook most nights, I removed the kitchen table and chairs, making it so that no one can sit in there while I'm preparing meals. I have a pair of noise-canceling headphones and a slew of great podcasts and good "Powerful Female" Spotify playlists (think Beyonce...) I throw on an apron and get lost in my own little world. The family has pretty much learned not to disturb me at these times. (Doesn't have to be reserved for cooking time... housework, dog-walking, you name it!)

... Sometimes these things make me feel a little guilty, but then I remind myself that I am doing them so that I don't turn into an ugly person that makes it harder for the kids' lives. And I try (though don't always do) sit down with them and talk every now and then, so they don't think I'm shutting them out all the time. They are good kids, great kids, but they are not MY (or YOUR) kids. So we just have to make it work.

.... Even with all of the methods, sometimes at the end of the day it just sucks. I totally understand. But make sure you let yourself feel that. Journaling, reading, breathing, therapy. If you love your partner - and I think you do - then I've no doubt you will figure it out. Good luck!

I recently moved in with my boyfriend and his kids (SD fulltime and SS's week on/week off). I felt things out for the first few weeks, but with SS10, I really needed time away, and I asked my significant other to let the kids know that our room was ours. They couldn't come in whenever they wanted, they need to knock, and that if I'm in there (with my office and computer!) I might just need time away.

It took a bit, and sometimes if SS10 is chasing the kitten he'll still come barreling in here, then quickly apologize...but it's worked. Knowing I have a spot I can go to in order to escape the chaos of the house and/or my mind and frustrations, it's a huge relief. You have a space to yourself that you can call yours, to the best you can, and it helps you feel a bit...safer for lack of better terms.

You definitely can't predict how the skid arrangements will affect you before you actually live it day in, day out, so don't feel bad!

When DH and I first got together, he only had SD a couple days a week so I thought I could deal. Then it became 50/50 every other day (dumbest thing ever), then 50/50 every other week, & now we have SD full time (BM takes her sometimes on Saturday.. when she feels like it).

Of course I knew things could happen, but I never imagined we would wind up with SD full time.

I have asked my DH for less skid time (this was actually back when we only had her 50/50.. ah if I had only knew how good I had it!) but of course he refused. He was angry and probably hurt and I knew he would be, but I was tired of putting my feelings LAST. Sometimes the truth just needs to be told.

I don't think it would be a horrible thing for you to ask your fiance for what you want, but just know it is highly unlikely he will ever agree to see less of his kids. My DH flat out told me that him and SD are a package and if I don't want her there, they will both leave.

In the meantime, I have disengaged and I highly recommend it. I also go to the gym a lot after work, visit my mom, go to happy hour with coworkers/friends, hell I will even work late to avoid going home. It's pretty shitty when I sit down and think about it, but I'd rather be pretty much anywhere then home with DH and SD. I just wish she would GO AWAY! I feel your pain on this one.

My DD8's dad has a GF with no kids. He has our DD during school breaks full time and I get her EOW. During school she is with me full time and dad EOW. I would hate it if his GF asked for less time but he would boot her out. He is one of those dad's who puts their kids first, no matter what. I couldn't blame her though, DD can be frustrating at times and if she drives her own mother up a wall I can imagine how his GF feels.
Tread lightly with this. Try some other things first so it doesn't turn into a huge fight.

dH negotiated less time and will not take skids during the week during school since the drive is too long, they come here late and have no quality time and have to get up at 5:15 am to make it to bus stop. Plus they get on my nerves. Personally I think kids that young should spend more time with their BM's anyways .

I guess I'm in the minority here because I certainly believe that when a couple lives together, they decide TOGETHER who will be in the house, when they will be there and for how long they will stay! It is not fair to either party for the other to just come out and tell the other when someone will be in the house without discussing it and coming to a compromise. It's no different than with other family members, friends, etc. visiting. It should be decided in advance and everyone should be on the same page about kid visitations. It only alienates the other party when 1 is making the decisions. Doesn't matter if it is a child or not, they don't live there so they are still considered visitors. If the dad wants more time than what is agreed upon by both parties, then they either discuss it and come to a compromise or the dad can take the kids out to dinner or do something with them out of the house together as to not burden the other adult member of the house.

I also told my BF when we were discussing living together that I would NOT shut myself in a room to get away from the kids in my own house! The kids do not get run of the house and I have to go hide to get away. I pay the bills and am the adult that has ownership in a house and if I want quiet time, THEY go to their rooms or occupy themselves elsewhere, not the other way around. If the SM WANTS to go be in a quiet place to take a bath, read, relax on her own, etc. thats one thing, but to be required to do so in order to just get peace and quiet would soooo not suffice with me.

OP, you can certainly broach the subject with your partner, but I wouldn't expect much. It's hard to change what was previously in place to suit your needs now, but you can certainly put your foot down with any new arrangements or additional time. I chose to continue to live on my own instead of moving in with my BF of 4 years now because of it and even tough we miss a lot of time together, I'm much happier not having to deal with SK issues.