Guilty Father Syndrome - Part 2 (Divorced but still stuck)

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Hi all! I was told to post a "part 2" here cause sadly I'm still in a mess after divorce and a severe trauma bond. Still wondering if it can work.

Here is the original post https://www.steptalk.org/forum/general-discussion/mini-wife-guilty-fathe...

And here's where I am today and my plea for support:

His youngest daughter (18) is now off doing her own thing. She's doing good. Still lives in another city but graduated and actually turning into a well rounded young lady. I'm really proud of her! She's sweet, positive, bubbly.

The older one (21) is still dramatic, depressed, not working, in a toxic relationship, and now apparently living in a barn with her equally lazy boyfriend. I think she’s there full-time now, but I’m not sure—because my ex-husband is currently living from hotel to hotel.

He had to leave the house he was renting because he couldn’t afford it anymore. Yes! What I claimed would happen.

And I hate to say it, but I warned him this would happen. I told him years ago that continuing to enable his daughters, avoid responsibility, and ignore what was right in front of him would land him exactly here. We could have had a very different life, but he didn’t listen.

Now he’s saying he wants to get a 2-bedroom apartment with me where I currently live. I told him it’s really convenient of him to want that now. I told him it feels like he’s trying to use me. He insists that’s not true. He says he never wanted me to leave, that things would be different now because the daughters are “not around,” and that he’s “older” and “wiser" so it'll be different.

He has made surface-level comments—like saying he knows he should have done better—but nothing deep, sincere, or specific. No real ownership. No accountability for the emotional and at times physical abuse, the drinking, or the way he let his daughters run the household and wreck our marriage.

And yet he’s still enabling the 21-year-old—paying her phone bill, taking her out to eat, all while she does nothing to better herself. If he still had that house, I’m sure she’d still be mooching off him.

So has anything really changed?

The truth is, I still feel sad for him. Seeing someone I once loved struggle like this hurts. And yes—part of me still loves him, which makes this even harder. I know in my gut I shouldn’t move back in. But I keep wondering: What if this time would be different now that the daughters are mostly out of the picture? Am I being naive? Is this another setup? Or could he have actually come to his senses?

I feel like my hands aren't clean as I'm perfectionist and expected a lot too when we lived together but I'm doing the work. I'm in thearpy, listening to podcasts on a sober journey although I'm not fully there yet. Not sure if that's why I'm still involved.

He was living at a friends and staying at hotels when I met him! Full circle.

Thanks for reading. I’m here to stay grounded and get support, because I really need it right now.

IMHO.. you are divorced...

IMHO.. you are divorced... you need to cut the cord for your own sanity. He can no longer be a source of emotional currency for you. period.. for both of your sakes.. you need to just cut off all communication.period.

I get that you feel sorry for him.. that you wish what could have would have should have been better.. that his "sowwy..I was wrong" musings... are some glimmer of hope that he gets it. But.. he hasn't... he is telling you what you want to hear.. he is playing on your emotions.. and dumping his trauma onto you.. so that you carry some of HIS load.

So, what you need to do.. really need to do is tell him this.

EX (remember ex for a reason)... I need time and space to recover from our relationship ending and to work on myself. I can no longer be in communication with you because it is preventing me from moving forward with my life. I wish you and your daughters the best, but at least for the forseeable future, please do not contact me as well. In the end, this will be the best for both of us to move forward as separate people who are no longer together as a couple.

this is it.. this is the only thing..and the longer you pick and peel at the bandaid of this relationship the more infections and pain you will suffer.. this is not a situation where you get to wean yourself off.. it's a cold turkey thing.. so do it.. and get your life back.

His life is due to his own choices.. perhaps without you it's harder because you were propping him up.. but again that is a HIM problem.. he should have been able to stand on his own two feet.. not your monkey or circus any more.. walk away firmly and permanently.

So while you have started to

So while you have started to pull yourself out of the pits of despair and get your life in order, he is still the same loser bum that you met and married years ago? Why would you want to entertain taking this back? I would let your therapist know stat about all of this and work on understanding why now that you are finding your own happiness you feel the need to self-sabotage and go back into a situation you know is bad for you.

Thank you both so much. I

Thank you both so much. I truly do know all of this—it’s just really hard sometimes. He’s been one of the only constants in my life since 2009, aside from my biological daughter. That’s a long time to be connected to someone.

When I’m lonely, he’s there. When I want to do something fun, he’s there. In some ways, he’s been like a friend too. Without him, I feel like I don’t have much of a life—especially since I don’t have friends who are on the same path right now (sobriety, healing, etc.).

I’m 50, and starting over at this age is terrifying.

Part of me wonders—do I tell him not to contact me unless he shows real change? Like actually starting therapy or a program for abusers? I worry he’ll just think I’m completely unstable with how much I’ve gone back and forth—blocking him, then spending time together again.

Now he’s even using things I love to pull me back in. He invited me to the orchestra this weekend, knowing I’ll be alone and that it’s something I really enjoy.

He also asked me if I want to get a dog. I said oh now you want to get a dog. He said, well you've always wanted one. I can help you take care of it. Major tugging at my heart cause I have always wanted one.

He also made a joke about how I told him I’ve noticed I get impulsive every 28 days or so—something my doctor explained might be linked to hormone fluctuations. I joked that maybe that’s the only time I let us spend time together lately. His text was, “Want to see the orchestra with me? Even if it breaks your 28-day rule?”

The problem is… he doesn’t take me seriously. I told him (via text) on Sunday that I was feeling emotional and confused, and that I was ready for him to leave. His response? “I just took a gummy and my contacts out, but let me know when you’re on your way back.” It felt so dismissive.

I hear you all, I really do. I guess I just need strength. Reassurance that it’s not just me. That because the girls are grown and on different paths, it won't be different for us with help.

I know I’ve contributed to the chaos too—but I also know it’s not all mine to carry.

P.S. On the loser bum, he has a really good job making great money for many years.

If you love the orchestra

If you love the orchestra then go, why are you relying on him for your happiness? Sure, doing stuff alone can be scary and intimidating, but that’s part or healing, it’s learning to rely on yourself. Going back to the same toxic you are used to just feels safe because you are used to it. Part of healing and getting sober and all those things are breaking familiar patterns that are bad for you.

I don’t care how great a job a person has or how much money they make, they can still be a loser bum.

Please

Don't contact him. You don't need him. Don't try to tell him what you need - he really doesn't care. He only cares about himself. You need to be free of this user. As long as you sit and pine for him you are never going to be able to have a life of your own. Soooo, start going to the library, the swimming pool,the local hiking club, a reading club, it doesn't matter what it is that you choose but you HAVE find other things to do in your life. Until you give other people the opportunity to meet you and get to know you, you will be eternally bound to this loser and manipulator. We only get one shot at life so why hitch yourself to this abuser?

The reality is that even when

The reality is that even when kids age out of the home... a lot of the dysfunction that they brought can still be very present in their parent's and step parent's lives. There are multiple posters on here who have skids in their 40's, 50's.. 60's.. etc.. and they STILL are dealing with the dysfunction of the kids and often the EX.. even years after a split.

So... this guy may be saying a few things that offer your susceptible mind some hope.. but it's very likely a false hope.. I would say that there is no man more committed to looking like a good option for you than one that needs a place to live.. hobosexual.. a guy who needs a home.. so they make themselves attractive to someone who might be able to help them accomplish that.

So.. he knows you... you were together for a while.. he knows what your weaknesses are.. and he is using those things as a hook to keep you "addicted" to him.. to keep you from moving on and away from you..

Loneliness is not a good reason to be with someone.. neither is access to "fun" things.. like orchestra tix. I think you know that.. but without alternatives.. I'm sure it seems awfully tempting to take the easy low hanging fruit.. even if that fruit is making you a little sick.

What you probably really need to try is to find your substitute fix.. find things you can try to enjoy that don't involve picking up the phone to talk to him.. or going to see him.

I get it.. feeling like 50 is "too old" to try new things.. but it isn't.. and you CAN. There are so many ways you can be involved in new things.. you just have to want to try to do them.. even things like figuring out how to get on the volunteer list for that orchestra venue.. so that you can work.. meet new people and perhaps see a few free events! Or volunteer to walk animals at a rescue or shelter.. or volunteer at a nursing home to provide company to someone even older and lonlier than you .

I truly feel that you took that big step to divorce.. but you haven't fully completed that process because you are still involved.. in fact pretty much dating this guy.. it didn't work then.. and despite what your heart wants to hear him say... it won't change for your future.. he is a dead end for you...

and yeah.. I get you may feel comfortable venting about life with this guy and can't contemplate doing that with another new friend.. but honestly.. do that with your therapist.. vent away.. if you need more sessions.. do it.. if you want to come on here and do some off topic post to get input on things.. do it.. but get yourself a new village so you don't keep yourself stuck in your unproductive past.

"P.S. On the loser bum, he

"P.S. On the loser bum, he has a really good job making great money for many years."

That cements how self-destructive he is IMO. With all that money, he still lost his home.

Don't tell him shit. Block him. Never speak to him again.

Bless yourself with that gift.

Stop punishing yourself, stop sticking your emotional tender bits in that meat grinder. He is a waste of your time and effort.

There is nothing sexier and more desirable than a confident 50yr old woman in the prime of life and living their best life. Trust me. Mine will be 50 next month and there is no woman on the planet more desirable and sexy. Be tha tfor yourself and quality men will swarm. Be picky, never settle, never give up, never give in.

Be kind to yourself.

I know it’s hard

...but unless he has done a massive amount of therapy, got help for his drinking and very obviously changed his ways and has sustainable proof, it will be the same song and dance. And I'm going to guess he has done none of those things. He's saying the right things so he can put his feet up on your coffee table, in an apartment you will pay for/take care of, and once he's good and in there, he'll be just the same.
Of course he wants to do fun things with you, who wouldn't? Fun is fun! Of course he's going to say the things you want to hear, he wants a place to stay.
I'm sorry you are having a hard time, but mourning a relationship, whether it was good or bad, is very normal. You long for what could have been as well as what was. He just is another person who manipulates and pulls heartstrings to get his boots under someone's bed, so he doesn't have to adult. Please do not let him back in your life, please block him everywhere and move on. I'm begging you, these ppl are just time sucks.

Thank you! Just as an FYI, he

Thank you! Just as an FYI, he has lived on his own since 2019 when we separated and still wanted to see me and spend time and do fun things. He would always pay half and that’s his intent if he ever lived here. He’s never not paid for half of everything.

This is why it’s confusing to me maybe that it’s not just him needing a place to stay if that makes sense.

No, he hasn’t gotten help or therapy or hasn’t stopped drinking. He hasn’t stopped with me or without me. I’m the only one who has actively TRIED to stop drinking and who has taken medications to deal with my stuff and actively sought therapy.

I want to block but I also want to let him know why I’m blocking. I also want to remind him why we’re here today and remind him of all of the horrible things he’s done to me. Cause I live with the PTSD and trauma almost daily why shouldn’t he be reminded one last time of the shitty person he was to me and what he allowed and how horrible it was?

Engaging is feeding his narcissism and your PTSD.

Blocking and moving on to live your best life is the best treatment for your and your PTSD. This POS does not give a shit about you or your suffering at his hands.

So, live well. It is both the best therapy, and the best revenge. You want him to experience pain, then live well and leave his ass twitching in your past without any access to your now or your future in any form or under any circumstamnces.

Take care of you.

I know you want to take some

I know you want to take some responsibility and blame for things that have happened in your relationship with him.. but just because you weren't always the best partner doesn't mean that what he is dealing with now is your FAULT.... NOR is it your responsibility to hold his hand through this and help him fix it.

No.. you absolutely should not live together.. so many problems.. his kids.. his drinking.. the fact that you are divorced.. finances.. there are NO good reasons to do this. don't.

In fact, you shouldn't even be talking any longer.. no shared kids.. no reason to stay connected.

I don't care if you feel trauma bonded.. you need to find a new place to assuage your lonliness.. join a club.. be a mentor to a young person.. take up a hobby.. go take riding lessons.. learn to fish.. learn to kayak.. do something.. anything but pick up the phone to talk to him... he isn't your husband.. and I get it.. it's tough not talking someone that has been a presence in your life for a long time.. but the quickest way to get past it is to stop relying on him to fill some emotional need.

I hope that you know in your

I hope that you know in your heart that you ARE doing the right thing by cutting this man off, so you can really live your best life. I think you struggle with feelings of not doing the right thing, but please know it is the right thing to protect yourself, be good to yourself, do right by yourself. He can man up and figure his life out. He's capable. And it's not your problem to worry over. He can figure his life out just like anyone else. The onus isn't on you to figure out things for him any longer. When you realize this you will achieve happiness and freedom that comes with it. Freedom to live your life as you see fit in your own way and on your own terms.

Thank you all. I hear you. I

Thank you all. I hear you. I just don't know how to begin again.

Do I tell him to not contact me unless he gets help?

Just tell him not to contact

Just tell him not to contact you.

No. Tell him nothing because

No. Tell him nothing because he will just take it as a challenge. Just stop all contact - no explanation needed.

Block him in every way you can, phone, email, text, WhatsApp, everywhere, and start looking for new things to do in the next chapter your life.

Exactly!

No contact! End of story!

As long as you let him get a

As long as you let him get a toe in the door he will assume that he's still got an in with you. Yes, starting over at 50 is not anyone's life path plan but neither is (I hope) dragging someone who doesn't value you along on your way.

Challenge yourself. Join a club, volunteer, go to a new church, call a friend and make some plans to walk/visit/see a show or a movie. Take a class through your continuing ed., join a gym, learn to bake/cook/knit/pretty much anything new. Tell Mr Same old Same old that he needs to leave you alone, fix himself. You deserve better from him but mostly from yourself.

So what have you always wanted to do? take up hiking? be in a book club, learn to paint/bake/cook exciting meals? garden, bird watch, travel???

I'm chock full of ideas, what are your interests?

Again, don't tell him anything. Just block him.

Have zero contact with him in either direction.

He is not your problem. Focus on your do-over and moving into your new life adventure. This is not starting over, this is commiting to living your best life. He is shit. You know it because you have lived it.

He will not improve. He is what is what he is.

Go be your best for you.

Zero contact. None. Period. Dot.

Personally I would not use

Personally I would not use "unless". I would just say to not contact you. I think you're prolonging the agony if you keep the door open. IMHO. Best wishes.

Do I tell him why though? We

Do I tell him why though? We were just together all weekend and all of that. I just don't know how to approach it now. This is really hard.

No. You don't need to

No. You don't need to "approach" this at all. Just cut off all contact. He's a big boy, he can work it out.

NO! Tell him absolutely nothing.

`*dash1*

That pain you feel is you smashing your head against the same brick wall expecting something other than a headache.

STOP THAT!

You say "And here's where I

You say "And here's where I am today and my plea for support:"

But then the next hundred or so words are all about HIM. What about you?! You get to that part at the end...therapy, sober journey...all great! And you have your own place! Grow THAT part of the post until it's longer than the parts where you detail what's going on with him, what he needs, how you weren't perfect to him, etc. What makes YOU happy? I like gardening and cats. What hobbies do you like? If none, maybe try a few things and see what you could get into. Also, i mentioned in the other post, maybe think about a pet? If you could take care of that hot mess of a man-baby, you can take care of a dog or cat.

Focus on how you can be better in your relationship with the one person you are with for life - you! All i'm hearing about the guy is what you didn't do for him or what you can do for him. Put that energy into you!

You're right. THANK YOU! For

You're right. THANK YOU! For pointing that out!

One question I have is what happens when his daughters reach out to me? i.e. the younger one was in town last week and she wanted to hang out at my pool. We didn't do that but I did meet her for a burger (with him).

Do I ignore them? I feel terrible doing that considering I was a step mom for almost 17 years since they were babies.

Trying to gauge how to deal with that.

Question

Would you have heard from her if you didn't have something she wanted, like a pool? If not, you're just being used. Haven't you had enough of that?

Only once in a while. The

Only once in a while. The older one never texts. So yes, I thought of that and saying nope you're not going to use me. I did text him and said it's always been on there time and I'm not interested anymore. If she would have texted before, etc. But, yes, I figured it was to use me for my pool and yes, I'm tired of it but then again super damn lonely so sometimes I'll take what I can get. It's sad but it's my truth.

Ok, so you're putting up with

Ok, so you're putting up with this nonsense because you're lonely - so find things to do that will take you out among others.

Check at your local tourist information place and also the local library to see what's on. Organised trips to visit other towns, historic places, beauty spots maybe?

Join a water aerobics class at the community pool.

Join a hiking club - it's impossible to go hiking for a few hours and not speak to people.

Is there anything you've always wanted to learn to do, pottery, tennis, a specific type of cuisine? Maybe there are classes? In my case, I'd always wanted to learn to draw so I signed up for an art class. What surprised me was the feeling of community in the group.

So go out there and find something that will get you out among folks and change your life!

You CAN do this!

Oops

That's a good question.. and

That's a good question.. and I can give you some good advice here.. I have had to deal with situations like this. My abusive EX BF had a super lovely sister who cut my hair.. fantastic person and great stylist. it was like.. how were they from the same family!

But.. she contacted me about a month after I finally got him out of my house and away from me.. and said.. she would still be there for me.. etc...

I told her 'I have enjoyed knowing you.. you are a great person and this is NOTHING against you, but my time with your brother was very difficult for me.. and I am doing the best I can to put it behind me and am breaking ties with everything and everyone to make that happen so that I can heal. I hope you understand.. this is not about you.. it's what I need"

So, some version of that.. "not you.. it's me.. breaking ties.. sometimes means losing contact with some good things too.. sorry.. but no pool time.

Yes, you ignore them too.

Yes, you ignore them too. Block them. They are their father's flying monkeys and people like them use people and see them as resources. Do not offer yourself up as a resource.

Oh, and no explanation. Just

Oh, and no explanation. Just block and ignore. Those girls are not innocent. Anything you say will be used against you.

Divorce ends it. Why are you even in contact with him?

Stop sticking your tounge in the light socket. Proverbially anyway.

He has not changed. Even if you have. He is in exactly the same place he was in over 2decades ago and is trying to convince you that he is mature, etc... No, he is not.

Do not let him play your heartstrings to be his rescuer. As for rescue projects, they never, ever, work out. Ever. I have had a few in my life and invariably they never are worthy of the effort that is put into them.

Ever.

What happens then is a lot of work to repair ourselves after investing in them as failures. The recovery is not easy and it takes a lot of time and effort.

He is not your problem. You are rescuing yourself. Keep investing in you and doing the great work you are doing. As for feeling guilty. Make a better choice.

Take care of you.

"Reassurance that it’s not

"Reassurance that it’s not just me"

I took this from one of your comments above. I totally get it more than you know. I was raised by two insane narcissists. As such, I was literally programmed to believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that the reason why people/narcissists treat me the way they do is because of some deficiency within me. I really really really really really NEEDED to know that when I went through hell with someone that it wasn't me. At least I thought I needed that. Or maybe I did, but rather than give an epic-length comment, I'll make it short and say that I ultimately gave that reassurance to myself.

I think that you have the need to have it affirmed for you that it's not you. You might logically know it but your "programming" hasn't caught up with knowing 100000% without a shadow of a doubt that it wasn't you. You will NEVER get that reassurance from your ex. You can never get healing from the very person who abused you and hurt you.

Oh, and don't give your ex an explanation for why you want to go NC. He'll only use it against you. He's not a normal or reasonable person. Normal and reasonable people would understand if you gave a reason such as wanting to heal yourself, but your ex has proven that he knows exactly what wounds to pick at and hurt you over and over and over and over and over again. Do not share a damn thing. Just block him. No need to give a reason as doing so just hands him the knife to stick it to you again.

I agree with going no contact

I agree with going no contact and not necessarily giving him or his girls any real explanation.

You can't say I can't talk to you while.... or until you...

The reality is you don't need to talk to your EXHUSBAND ever. ever.. ever. You have split. The relationship needs to be finished.. you have no joint kids to keep up with. it's time to cut the cord.

BUT.. if you think he or his girls will try to do something like show up.. you may want to make an announcement of your blocking.. to avoid them showing up on your doorstep and making you overly awkward.

If you do send the note/text.. it's short and to the point.

"Im not interested in being in contact now that we are divorced." .... then block him. Block his kids.. lock down your social media so they can't stalk you that way.

No "unless you work on yourself".. no "your kids can use my pool".. none of that.. no long drawn out rehash of where your relationship went wrong.. no apologies for your part in the dysfunction. .just a brief exit text to give him notice of your intent.. then follow through.

No real ownership. No

No real ownership. No accountability for the emotional and at times physical abuse, the drinking, or the way he let his daughters run the household and wreck our marriage.

This, to me, says it all. Emotional AND physical abuse? Oh hell no!
Time to stop the hand wringing and go ahead and rip the bandaid off. You don't want to be 55 and still in this place. Create a new life for you. You deserve it.

I would point out that you

I would point out that you are NOT dealing with normal people. If you were you would have never needed this site. Crazy acting people need to be left in the past. Period. If you want to wallow with the pigs keep jumping back into the mud with them.

Get into therapy and fix yourself. You don't need them to feel whole. You can do that for yourself.

"Friendly divorce"

I wonder if you, like I, had that fantasy of a friendly divorce. I thought my ex and I could still be friends, be loving parents and yada yada yada. I think it's part of our society's programming where women are encouraged to always make nice. Maybe some people can do this if both are very mature people.

But you, like I was, are dealing with a manipulator who needs a home. It was hard for me to realize that the only safe route for me and the kids was to go no contact with him. He tried to worm his way back in every way possible ("Can I just store some of my stuff here for awhile?"). It was safest and ultimately best for him, also, for me to cut all contact.

The poster who mentioned her hairdresser SIL reminded me of how close I was with my exSIL. I naively thought we could maintain our relationship but that's the reality of divorce. I had to accept that tough reality and it was hard to let go of the thought that I wasn't being "nice".

I would do a small and easy

I would do a small and easy test. Offer him to get back together but live separately permanently and see what he says. If he refuses, then that means he was only looking for a place to stay and someone to pay bills.

You are an easy target for him. The two bedroom is so that his daughter who lives in the barn can move in with her bf and live with you guys like a "big happy family" and he will drink harder and make you regret the day you let him sign a lease with you trust me

I have and he said no problem

I have and he said no problem to that. We were separate but together since 2019 so he has no problem with that.

Then just use him as a filler

Then just use him as a filler for those activities you like to do or whenever you want some attention/chat and send him on his way when you can't be bothered

Don't move him in no matter what

Is that safe? That's not

Is that safe? That's not breaking the trauma bond. Would you spend time with someone who has physically abused you in the past? Serious question. Cause now this post has made me feel like I can just hang out with him.

No and no. Can a heroin

No and no. Can a heroin addict just take one dose and leave it at that? No. He will worm his way in. Like he's trying to do now. Texting your kids? He has no shame. You DIVORCED his a$$. A normal person would walk away. He isn't normal. None of this is.

I know. He just texted he's

I know. He just texted he's at our favorite place and the restaurant we first went to. He said he was thinking of me and for me to send him our first pic there. He wants to show his daughter.

I know this isn't normal but he probably does it cause we have still spent time.

So Is it still wrong of him?

it's making me mad though. Like WHY is he taking her out when she's doing nothing with her life?! Only spends time when she wants to!

This is why I get mad but also question myself if it's wrong to get mad at that?

Like why do I get mad? This has been the problem. Like I get so mad. Like she's in my place now. And being treated for doing nothing!

Absolutely not.

Stop sniffing around this moron. Give yourself a new beginning.

He abused you. If he shows his face again, shoot him. Not joking. His history of violence towards you is more than enough justification to put him out of your misery. If not that, adopt a big hungry dog who will rip his throat out. Dogs smell shit. He is shit. The dog will do what you struggle to do.

Take care of you.

I’m going to ask the

question you're not supposed to ask. But it's important, so here goes:

Are you still having sex with this guy? If so, STOP!!! You will never be free of him until you do because of course he's not going to stop coming around if you are. If you're not, kudos to you!

I completely agree

and, if you are, please see your doctor ASAP for a full battery of STD tests. Better safe than sorry.

Hi all! Trying to respond but

Hi all! Trying to respond but it won't let me post?

This comment posted. Are you

This comment posted. Are you trying to insert emojis that are not one of the emojis in the list above your comment? Try posting text only.

That was it! THANK YOU!

Thank you all! Yes, as @Rags

Thank you all! Yes, as @Rags said, I’m still sticking my tongue in the socket.

@evil4 thank you, because YES to everything you said. I was raised in a family of narcissists and blamed for so much from a young age. So naturally I internalized the idea that everything was my fault. I still do till this day with them. Being in an abusive relationship only amplified that by a million. I held on because I never felt that accepted by anyone before.

It felt like I finally had the “family” I always wanted. Because of course, it wasn’t always bad.

But when it was bad? Suddenly it was my fault. I was too much, too nitpicky, wrong for having a voice and not wanting to walk on eggshells in the home I paid HALF for. It was a complete mind screw.

I keep trying to remind myself that it’s not all me. I watch YouTube videos, listen to podcasts which sometimes help but don’t cause it makes me question if I’m the narcissist cause yes, I was nitpicky, I was annoyed with them, I did want him to myself sometimes cause it was more peaceful when they weren’t around. Yes, I was overbearing when he didn’t want to talk and yes, I pushed and pushed.

I try to go no contact but I give in every so often cause the loneliness is too much. It’s so hard. He was my constant (still will be if I let him). The one always down to do whatever I wanted. The pool, a concert, dinner, a walk. Now I’m having to learn to live without that along with no real friends.

Letting go of the only “love” I’ve known. Espeically one where we had so many good things in common is gut wrenching. Now the holiday weekend is here and I have no plans. No cookouts and of course he invited me to see the orchestra. Do you know how tempting that is? Just to not feel sad, alone, and pathetic during a holiday weekend. On top of mourning my relationship and family I wanted so badly. I’ll probably just be inside or in my hammock napping, maybe visiting my grandparents and see my daughter for a bit.

SO for those who say “just don’t talk to him again” I hear you, I do. But there are reasons I still do. Even if I know they’re not healthy.

@morningmia, I don’t want to be this at 55 either. I pray I’m a better place by then.

@survivingstephell — what you said about “you’re not dealing with normal people here” really hit me. His family seems so normal, especially compared to mine. That’s part of what kept me hooked—that sense of belonging to a normal, functional family. But now I see they’ve got their own dysfunction too.

Yes, we have been intimate. When we hang out it’s not just as friends. It’s like we’re together. Not a lot though. Do I still need tested?

@JRI yes on the friendly divorce! That’s a way to put it. I asked him if we could just be friends and he said that’s not possible. He could never be around me and not want me. You see so many families that still hang out, are cordial, etc. nowadays so yes, I think why can’t we?

Or why can’t we be friends and I stick to that boundary?

On a brighter note—I started therapy again and met a new therapist today who I absolutely love. We clicked right away, and I’m actually looking forward to our weekly sessions. We’ll be starting EMDR eventually for trauma work.

So thank you all for being here. I’ve cried a lot today, but I’ll keep coming back and leaning on this space for strength.

It's like you are addicted to

It's like you are addicted to him.. the "him that could be"... but it's like an addiction to something like heroin.. sure.. good time feelings.. but the bad.. yeah.. that bad can kill you.

So, you were distressed enough with the relationship to divorce him... but you have really not broken up.. that is keeping you and your heart in some limbo... getting just enough "heroin".. to feel bits and pieces of relief.. but you are only postponing the inevitable right?

And.. you really have to work on this part with your therapist. Why are you self sabotaging yourself by not moving on? You don't say you are doing any of the many things that people have suggested to get out and meet new people and do new things. You don't have plans for the 4th.. but you could if you wanted to. You could go watch fireworks.. you could look for a local festival in your area.. you could have planned to go to the Orchestra on your own. but you didn't.. you left yourself completely at loose ends.. and primed for him (perhaps waiting for him).. to swoop in and connect.

I mean.. I get it, I struggle a bit to make connections.. but I also have done things on my own.. vacationed... pursued hobbies where I met others and had some social aspect of it. I used to show horses and I had a community there. I also used to belong to a gym.. took group classes.. again.. doing things around others. Will every attempt net you a "friend" or "lover".. no.. but over time, you are very likely to meet people you enjoy.

There is a poster on here who is a member of a group of older women who hike/camp.. and they have meetups and she stays very active hiking and biking with various groups.

Please don't forget that you can live a vibrant life without always being part of a couple. I get it's hard when you are used to spending time with a singular person.. but unless you make active efforts to break free of the cycle.. you will get sucked back in.

And.. it sounds like that would not be healthy for you.

OK

So what about finding other interests, about building a life without him, about being your own woman? Or do you want to wallow forever in this self-pitying crap? While you choose to "suffer" when there are other solutions, you are taking the easy way out. Get on your feet, decide to take back your life, and do it!

I'm sorry for being harsh but I find it hard to watch someone who knows exactly where her troubles stem from and STILL goes down the same path. So what do you want? Help to break the cycle? Or people who just say "poor you" ad infinitum. Do you want help or do you want to whine? We can't do anything for you until you decide to help yourself. You are choosing to be a victim ...

Of course

You should still get tested! You have no idea who he's screwing the rest of the time when he's not with you. Please be safe!

Look, he cheated on you when you were married, do you really think he's going to be exclusive with you now that you're divorced? Get those tests set up today if you can.

I hear you. I've thought of

I hear you. I've thought of that and I'm honestly terrified. I unfortunately saw my very young uncle pass away from AIDS when I was in 8th great and I'm so terrified of testing for HIV and having that. But, I will. I'll get it done.

Thank you. No, I don't want

Thank you. No, I don't want to feel this way forever. I just want to be happy. Secure. To have friends that are on the same page that like to do normal alcohol free things like travel, get coffee. Confident.

To love myself and stop thinking that this is what I deserve because of how I emotionally abused him in a very controlling way. Again, my hands aren't clean and I'm not perfect so I feel like I deserve this.

Like it was mutual if that makes sense.

I know it's not right and I'm working on this so hard but it's SO hard.

Ok

I expect your next post to inform us of the steps you have taken to get back into the outside world. You have to start somewhere.

Are you seeing a therapist to help you deal with the guilt you're feeling? If not, please make an appointment today. If you're already seeing one, it may be time to try a new one because they don't seem to be helping you much.

IT is only hard because you keep doing the same shit repeatedly

expecting some miraculous different result, him to have some life changing epiphany, and for your to find comfort and a future in the cesspool that swirls around this POS.

Only you can solve it. The solution is simple. Zero contact and move on to your new life adventure.

Hi! I hear you all and I'm

Hi! I hear you all and I'm trying to not keep this going but this is my "now" and needing support but I promise I'm working. Today I'm so confused and angry and I hope my last SUPER LONG post but these are some things I haven't shared.

Even though we hung out last weekend, I’ve been feeling like I shouldn’t have. I had told him I was emotional and needed space, and instead of being understanding or supportive, he replied with, “I just took my contacts out and ate a weed gummy, but let me know when you're on the way.” That felt so dismissive. Like… how are you supposed to respond to that when you’re trying to be emotionally open?

Then he texts asking if I want to go to the orchestra with him this weekend. I haven’t responded—because I know I shouldn’t go. And then today, he texts a group message to me, my daughter, and my daughter-in-law saying: “Hi, what are you guys doing today? Me and [insert lazy, only-contacts-me-when-she-needs-something daughter] are beaching it and not sure where to go for fireworks.” Again, I didn’t respond.

A few hours later he sends: “WHY? ok.”

I know exactly what that’s supposed to mean—like “Why are you like this?” or “What’s your problem now?” And I’m so irritated. I won’t say it, but a part of me wants to scream: “Yeah, have fun with your jackass spawn who only uses you and couldn’t care less unless she needs something.” It’s ugly, but it’s honest.

And yet… I feel guilty for even thinking that. Of course he’s allowed to spend time with his daughter. But this deep anger and jealousy isn’t random—it’s coming from years of being in a relationship where I was treated like a third wheel. Where I never came first. Where I was expected to just “understand” everything because he was a father.

There’s this one memory I can’t shake today, especially since he mentioned the beach again. He always used to walk with them in front of me. I was always behind. There was one beach trip where it was super hot—scorching—and I was so overheated and fatigued, I couldn’t breathe or keep up. By the time I finally caught up with them at the car, I collapsed in the grass and basically blacked out. I was panting and couldn’t breathe. Later, my doctor said I’d had a heat stroke of sorts. And yet, they never noticed. No one was looking back for me. That moment haunts me. Like what if no one else had been there and I’d passed out and died? I know that sounds extreme, but it’s the truth. And the worst part is—I had packed that trip. I made the food. I brought the fun. I gave them the whole day… and I was left behind. That’s the metaphor, honestly. Always behind. Always the afterthought.

I also feel bad because I’ve been so back and forth with him too—but I’ve been transparent about why. He knows what I’ve been feeling and struggling with.

And there’s something else I keep questioning, something that haunts me:
Did I cause the emotional and physical abuse at times because I was always nitpicking? Because I started arguments—about the kids, the drinking, the cheating? I know I was insecure. I didn’t trust him. I questioned everything. Was that my fault? Did I push too much? Was I too much?

I feel like I’m coming across as this sad, bitter, jealous woman—but at the same time, his daughters really did drive a wedge in our relationship. Maybe not intentionally, though when they were older teens, I think they knew what they were doing.

What I see clearly now is that I was in a relationship not just with him, but with him and his daughters—and I was always last. Maybe it’s not jealousy. Maybe I was just neglected. I’m being raw here. I’m pissed.

And now that I’m finally trying to create space for myself, he’s guilt-tripping me. So here I am, once again wondering:

Am I the problem?
Am I just not “chill” enough to handle a man with daughters?
Should I be able to brush it off and just move on?

But deep down, I know the answer is no.

The dynamic was never healthy. I felt invisible. And now that I’m finally trying to take care of myself, he’s still acting like I owe him something. I know stepping back is the right thing—but moments like this really mess with my head.

@winterglow I’ll start sharing what I’m doing like you encouraged:

This morning I worked out and took a long, hot shower.

I might visit my grandparents today, which is always a mixed bag. My uncle (who lives there) and my mom can be toxic in their own ways, and being around them sometimes triggers my urge to drink. There’s love there, but also a lot of negativity and drama. Still, I want to go so I can see my daughter and daughter-in-law—they are everything to me.

I also started therapy last Monday and I loved my new therapist. We clicked right away. She really got me. We’re starting trauma EMDR soon, and I’ll be seeing her weekly on Mondays. I’m genuinely looking forward to it.

Thanks for reading. I’m just trying to stay grounded and not fall back into something I know is bad for me, even when my heart gets confused.

P.S. He just texted he's at our favorite place and the restaurant we first went to. He said he was thinking of me and for me to send him our first pic there. He wants to show his daughter.
I know this isn't normal but he probably does it cause we have still spent time.
So Is it still wrong of him?

it's making me mad though. Like WHY is he taking her out when she's doing nothing with her life?! Only spends time when she wants to! So I feel like this is a huge trigger or this is a problem of mine.
This is why I get mad but also question myself if it's wrong to get mad at that?

"

"Did I cause the emotional and physical abuse at times because I was always nitpicking? Because I started arguments—about the kids, the drinking, the cheating? I know I was insecure. I didn’t trust him. I questioned everything. Was that my fault? Did I push too much? Was I too much?"

Lol what?! You bitched about his drinking problem, his miniwife daughters, and....CHEATING. YOU MONSTER.

Ok, seriously. Your choices there were a) bitch about it and try to control it, b) suck it up and drink to numb the pain (or insert whatever other coping mechanism), or c) leave.

You finally left!! Today, if things with your family get to be too much, just leave early. Take a walk if not too hot out, or just go home and chill. Maybe read a book or watch a show. I promise, you can do this.

Came back to add, i think

Came back to add, i think when you are used to hanging around a drinking/partying crowd, doing "normal middle aged things" seems boring. I'm mid-40s. Last night i stayed home and baked cookies after gardening in the evening. Today i went to the gym and plan to work on socializing my timid new cat with my anxious existing one. Tomorrow i'm meeting friends for a "5th of July" thing. But, idk. A lot of people don't "go go go" all the time and that's ok.

The more you accept

The more you accept communication from him and get stirred up all over again, over and over, the longer you are putting off TRUE HEALING. In my view, it will take that break, that cut, that door slamming and lock locking before you can process (and then let go of) the awful memories (and emotions associated with them) of him walking in front of you with his daughters, of you being and feeling invisible, and so on.

While it is normal to have the feelings you have about his daughters, the ultimate responsibility/blame is on him, as his daughters behaved as he allowed (or even encouraged) them to behave. But as long as he is contacting you and mentioning them, the longer you stay in the "triggered" mode rather than moving forward.

The longer this communication keeps going, keeping you in some limbo torture chamber, the longer it will take to fully heal and move on to your better life.

Also, if you are working to get away from a toxic situation, do not place yourself in another toxic situation (toxic family), even if the toxicity isn't as strong. There are plenty of singles Meet Up groups (which don't necessary focus on finding a date/partner), regular Meet Up groups with a mix of singles and couples, even local Facebook groups for people newly divorced or new to an area, etc. THERE ARE OTHERS in your (or a similar) situation.

The day I blocked my skids from EVERYTHING allowed me room for so much more lightness. I chose to no longer see on social media their BS that would piss me off. There were 100 reasons for me NOT to do that (politeness, blah blah blah), but I chose the reason of "peace." It's nice to get to a place of I don't GAF.

I know. He just texted he's

DELETED

Ideas and emotion are addicting. With shit like this guy

the hope-ium pipe is extremely addicting.

No need to go to the orchestra with him. Join the symphony yourself and go. Go to the cocktail events before the performance. Start circulating. There are a number of singles and Srs groups you can join. MC clubs who are happy to have a passenger join them. Join a non profit service organization. Etc...

Find groups that do things you like to do. Do those things with the group.

After my divorce I dated actively. Never women who were partner material. I went back to school to finish my degree when I was 26. I met my bride when I was 29 on campus. We married 8mos later. She was in school, so was I. both there to finish our BS degree. Not there to party, to find an Mr or Mrs degree.

Be kind to yourself. Being accomodating of him, is not being kind to yourself.

Take care of you.

Thank you @rags! Did you read

Thank you @rags! Did you read my long post today from 8:32 pm? I would REALLY love to hear your thoughts on that. I know it's long but I beleive will be the last long post for a bit. Cause I've said most all that;s happened.

I have not seen it. What Forum did you post it in?

I did not see a blog for that time.

Here it is:

A few hours later he sends: “WHY? ok.”

There’s this one memory I can’t shake today, especially since he mentioned the beach again. He always used to walk with them in front of me. I was always behind. There was one beach trip where it was super hot—scorching—and I was so overheated and fatigued, I couldn’t breathe or keep up. By the time I finally caught up with them at the car, I collapsed in the grass and basically blacked out. I was panting and couldn’t breathe. Later, my doctor said I’d had a heat stroke of sorts. And yet, they never noticed. No one was looking back for me. That moment haunts me. Like what if no one else had been there and I’d passed out and died? I know that sounds extreme, but it’s the truth. And the worst part is—I had packed that trip. I made the food. I brought the fun. I gave them the whole day… and I was left behind. That’s the metaphor, honestly. Always behind. Always the afterthought.

I also feel bad because I’ve been so back and forth with him too—but I’ve been transparent about why. He knows what I’ve been feeling and struggling with.

And now that I’m finally trying to create space for myself, he’s guilt-tripping me. So here I am, once again wondering:

Am I the problem?

Am I just not “chill” enough to handle a man with daughters?

Should I be able to brush it off and just move on?

But deep down, I know the answer is no.

@winterglow I’ll start sharing what I’m doing like you encouraged:

This morning I worked out and took a long, hot shower.

Thanks for reading. I’m just trying to stay grounded and not fall back into something I know is bad for me, even when my heart gets confused.

Reread this from the perspective of someone asking you for

advice. Then answer your own questions from that perspective. If you were asked these questions, the answers would be obvious.

You broke up with this POS, why would give a flying rat's ass why he is buying his spawn lunch. Not your rotten crotch junk, not your problem. Blessedly, it is entirely his problem.

Time to take the 15 second rule into consideration any and every time his stench shows up in nose distance of you whether in person or digitally. Do not think about anything other than purging him from your presence. Just walk away, block him, when he shows up where you are, wrinkle your nose at his noxious stench, smirk, and walk away. Or... ignore him.

My XW had it in her mind that we would be lovers after our divorce. I would not have touched her with someone else's dick. Not a chance. She had been servicing every swinging Johnson she could get any of her orifices around for our entire marriage, engagement, and while dating. She left her diaries when she and my XFIL drove off with all of her crap loaded in his truck and trailer. Diaries detailing every dalliance, by name, date, location and with some spicy notes on the dalliance menu of the date.

By the time the divorce was final, I knew her. Exactly what she was.

Just as you know who this guy is. You know. Do not take on guilt for what he is. He cheated, he abused, he victimized you to foster his mini-wife coddling bullshit.

You divorced him. Stop going back to find out what his cheat partners and stable of breeding partners taste like.

Go forward, find your bliss. Step confidently into your new life adventure. Do not be one of his likely many side pieces. You deserve better from someone of character. He has no character. He... is a POS. Period. Dot.

You, are a prize. You will find someone who values you for who and what your are.

He... will continue to splash around in the shit filled cesspool of his noxious life. Your future is avoiding that like the effluent filled plague that it and he is.

And that, is what I think about ... that.

Take care of you.

I'm glad to see

You've started on your journey to a better life. Baby steps are the way to go, just keep moving forward. Might I suggest you sign up to AA? Your therapist may not be enough to help you with your desire to drink? Besides, there are other things that the therapist will be working on with you.

I'm responding to all of the

I'm responding to all of the comments today. I don't see how I can @ anyone here and didn't realize so I'll just type names here.

For all who have responded today. Thanks, and:

MorningMia – I wish it were easier not to be reminded, but because of my PTSD and OCD rumination, the thoughts never really go away. It’s like it doesn’t matter if I try to ignore them—it’s such a mental struggle.

Then I start thinking about him meeting someone new. Maybe someone who doesn’t have to deal with all the baggage I carried, especially from those early years with the kids. She probably won’t face the same drama or blended family challenges I did—maybe even a better version of that family. And that makes me so angry, like I got the worst end of the deal.

I’ve actually deleted his spawn from my social media so we don’t follow each other anymore.

Rags, I know if this were anyone else, I’d be shouting “NOPE! Don’t engage, just walk away!” in the kindest way possible.

Thanks for calling me a prize—I honestly don’t feel that way right now.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm currently a side piece. There’s no way he’s not talking to other women.

Believe it or not, I’ve been going to AA for about a month now, and I absolutely love it!

I want to block him, but I also feel like I need to send one last message explaining WHY. I know not everyone will agree with that, and I’m not sure if I even need to block him afterward. I have so much PTSD from everything, and I’m the one living with the intrusive thoughts and reminders of when he was physical.

Why shouldn’t he get one last reminder of how horrible he was to me and why he’s no longer part of my life?

Then why is irrelevant. The what matters.

The what is that is is what he is and has done what he has done. Why is a waste of time in relation to him. He does not give a shi about you or that he is shit. You should not give a shit about him either. No one cares about shit. They scrape off of their shoe and

Focus on your own what, and your own why. He will never recognize that he is the shit that he is. The why of that is, he invests in being shit.

You need to stop investing in the shit that he is. By investing in his shit, you are becoming that yourself.

So, stop that.

Take care of you. You know what you must do. So do it. Until you wash yourself permanently of his shit you will carry his stench and you cannot be the true catch that you are nor can you ever be happy. His epiphany if he ever has one will only happ when you are long gone, beyond his reach, and living your best life.

I hear you

...and it sucks, I get it. I wouldn't bother with a long explanation, even though it feels cathartic. Write it in a journal for you and your therapist. And this isn't just about his treatment of you, this is (I'm guessing) also coming from maybe the way you were raised, and I'd dive into that with your therapist.
Block and delete him and his daughters. They will just continue the cycle of being users, and make you miserable. You are concerned about your age and being alone, and frankly many women have found great joy in new friendships and experiences unhampered by giant babies masquerading as adults. Would you rather spend the rest of your life discovering new things and enjoying it, or have them hanging around and ruining it?
Block and delete. You have spent enough precious time on them and their shenanigans. He's an abusive asshat, not worth it. Talk to your therapist, keep going to AA, journal if you want to pour your thoughts out. Also you can come on here for venting and encouragement, because what sometimes seems like "sour grapes" or "unkindness" to those not on this website, is in fact people just completely sick and tired of crappy families using new partners and step parents as emotional toilet paper.
You are worth the time and effort, and please pour it into yourself. He's not worth any more of your time. Good luck!!!!

I'm sorry, I missed something

I'm sorry, I missed something - are you childfree, OP? If so a woman of your age with no dependent children is quite a catch! Don't waste any more time on your ex. Go out there and have fun!

I have a beautiful 31 year

I have a beautiful 31 year old daughter who is my whole heart! Not his daughter though. I had her when I was 19.

She lives on her own so yes and no.

This site does not have any "

This site does not have an "@everyone" feature.

Have you looked up the games

Have you looked up the games that the Cluster B bunch play? That would include Narcs, Boarderline, Histronic, sociapaths and psychopaths. Him calling you and reminding you of a "special restaurant " is called Hoovering. He is trying to suck you back in. But on HIS terms. F that! You are his "supply" and he has others. That means he reaches out to get that narc validation and each and every time you respond he wins that game. Do a deep dive on Narcissist games. It's all over the internet so you can find the info. Time to self educate yourself on dysfunctional patterns and how to respond , by NOT responding. You can never win with this type. They makes rules, change the rules mid game and basically don't play fair. Why would you want to continue this ?

Thanks all.

I definitely don’t want to feel like shit anymore. I’m a smart, accomplished woman. I’m still attractive, have a solid career as an Accountant, I’m a great mom, I keep a clean and comfy home, and I’m an amazing cook—so yeah, I don’t want to be associated with the chaos and dysfunction anymore.

I’ve watched tons of videos on narcissism and toxic dynamics, and I know all the red flags and manipulation tactics now. But sometimes those videos make me second-guess myself too—like maybe I was the problem for becoming so controlling or resenting his daughters. Truth is, I still feel that way sometimes, and it’s hard to fully shake. I got to the point I didn't want them around me or him at all. That's very controlling and mean step-mom'ish

One thing I realized is that when we were together—even recently when we’ve hung out—my default has been drinking. I think it’s partly habit, and partly trying to make something feel fun that deep down I know isn’t right for me. In the beginning it was fun for us. We had a great time.

BUT, I’m really reflecting now on whether I need AA or if I can learn to moderate. I don’t remember drinking this heavily before him, and now I wonder—was the binge drinking really tied to him?

As for closure… I keep going back and forth. Part of me still wants to send a final “eff you” message to remind him of all the damage he caused. But will he even hear it? Or just twist it and feel justified again? I’ve blocked and unblocked so many times, and he knows it. Sometimes he just shows up. So yeah, I’m stuck in this weird place—but I am hearing all of your advice, and it’s honestly helping me feel stronger. One day at a time.

Don't wonder whether or not

Don't wonder whether or not you need AA, just go. Stop looking for excuses to continue to remain in limbo. If you don't need AA, you'll know soon enough. However, why miss the chance of getting non-judgemental help when it costs nothing?

Of course you are an accountant.

My incredible bride is one. I know the type.

Keep up the great work and focusing on you.

Use your wonderful bean counter brain (I tease mine with that upon occassion) and apply it to your healing and living your new life. You own this guy. Stop letting him own your life.

You owe it to yourself, you owe it to your kids.

Erasing him is the biggest eff you possible. So, erase him from your life and get on with YOUR life.

To put it bluntly.. the

To put it bluntly.. the divorce should have been all the closure message he needed. You divorced him.. and have continued to date him.. that is not sustainable.. and not healthy for you.

And.. you are trying to do everything in your power to justify some small part that you were to blame here.. and that if only he would XYZ.. you could work it out. That is fantasy island stuff though. He is what he is.. he is what you lived and suffered through.. including PHYSICAL VIOLENCE.. and he is what he is now.. a weasel trying to keep you on his hook.

Whether you may be able to return to a more healthy relatinship with drinking at some point in your life.. well.. it's possible.. but for now, you are getting some people to people contact.. a place to vent and be heard.. a support group. Whether you end up making your decision to be sober a permanent thing in your life.. well. for now.. you probably are best off being the most clear headed you can be.. become a better and healthier version of you. So I vote stick with it for a while longer.

Regarding your desire and "need" to give him a reason "why" you are walking away.. I'm sorry.. I am quite sure you have told him over the past 6 years or so of things that were problems for you.. and showed him.. and he willfully ignored your needs.. so at this point.. what would it serve?

It's not like he is likely to hear what you have to say and respond... "you know.. you are right.. I was a terrible partner.. I have had an epiphany.. I am a changed man.. come run away to tahiti with me my love.. I have figured out how to earn lots of money to support you in the style I want to cherish you in".. (hogwash.. none of that will happen.. not one bit of it)

I mean.. he might weasel and worm around and tell you things he thinks you want to hear.. but actions.. reality.. nope.. he is not the man you want.. never was. Was he a good time charlie? sure.. bet he was able to have fun with the best of them.. people who take little to no responsiblity in their lives tend to be enticingly fun and carefree don't they.. because someone else is carrying their emotional and financial baggage for them!

You want to be happy? you want a nice life. STOP TALKING TO HIM. BLOCK HIM. BLOCK HIS FAMILY. PERIOD.DOT.

The longer you try to keep your hand on the short rope of this relationship.. the lower your chances are of meeting decent people.. of building new friendships.. of living a life of peace and contentment.

I can't believe your therapist supports you keeping in touch with this abusive dbag...

You divorced him.. leave him alone. When he asks about the orchestra.. say NO.

Block him.. you wont' see those "why are you like this texts. the answer is.. because of you .. you idiot.. but dont' tell him that ... it just keeps you inserted in the drama.. step out of it.. step away.. BE lonely for a while.. but don't go back to a toxic situation just because you are bored or lonely.. really bad reasons.

Winterglow - I will continue

Winterglow - I will continue to go although I did have a few drinks myself last night. I didn't overdo it though.

Rags - Yes, that's me! Mrs. super analytical and LOVE to figure out and FIX THINGS that DON'T make sense! lol

I'm erasing him. Do I just block now?

I actually had a friend over yesterday. He's the first guy I've spent time with other than my ex/not-ex since forever so I felt guilty in a way. I can't explain it.

BUT I enjoyed myself and my time with him. We had a great time at my pool with just a few cocktails and chatted and connected.

He has a very calm energy about him and it was just nice although I feel like I did something or I'm doing something wrong.

Of course the older daughter texted me while I was there with him asking for a pool day with me. I didn't respond and deleted the message.

So, I'm doing things out of my comfort zone but still feeling like I did something wrong.

I think it's amazing that you

I think it's amazing that you did something out of your comfort zone. I think this is something to be celebrated. I heard a quote lately that is "your life begins at the edge of your comfort zone"

(taken from the Internet, but I feel it applies.) :

The quote suggests that significant personal growth and new experiences often occur when you step outside of what feels familiar and safe. It implies that challenging yourself and embracing the unfamiliar can lead to exciting and fulfilling opportunities. While staying within your comfort zone might feel safe, it can also lead to stagnation and missed chances for development"

I think this is particularly true! When my ex husband left I felt so strange, at the end of my own comfort zone but that is truly when life opened up for me!! It's hard to see when you are in the moment and it's hard to describe.

It's as if... You don't know what you are missing! Until this new world opens up. Please whatever you do don't feel bad. This is personal growth on your part.

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Guilty Father Syndrome - Part 2 (Divorced but still stuck)