I'm in the middle of a new development (I think?), and wanted to get your thoughts. SS (19 yo) has been declining to stay with us on the weekends. I don't think he's stayed overnight with us in several weeks or maybe even a month. I think a few factors are involved, like SS being mad at DH for not getting his way about a few things. But mostly, I'm sensing a shift that is hard to define.

The blended family dynamics can be so complex. The shift I'm detecting is really subtle. SS lived with his parents in the home dh and I live in, and he was always very strongly territorial about it when dh and I first met. DH mostly catered to SS's wishes and demands, but DH started enforcing a more clearly delineated visitation schedule about 5-6 years into our relationship (perhaps 1 and 1/2 year ago) and stopped demanding me to accommodate extended and random stays beyond the CO. But at the same time, it was under the guise that SS was still driving the car. I was noticing  something that baffled me in the past 6 months. Despite not saying much to each other at all, SS always made sure to tell me visitation plans at drop off. Why did he always stop in his tracks and make time for this? When DH works late on a Friday, and I'm the one at home, SS will drop off the dog and go back to his mom's. SS ignores me for the most part, but never fails to tell me, 'Dad might have told you - I'm not staying, just dropping off the dog.' It dawned on me that SS wants to make it clear that his dad and he make the decisions, and he's dictating to me what THEY decided which is pretty much true.

Over the last several months, DH and I have been getting into it, and we also did about 2 months worth of therapy (until it got too expensive!). I've been more vocal about my resentment and anger over SS's attempts to displace me over the years (and DH's enabling that). It didn't have to be that way. I had so much hope and plans for us to bond as a blended family. Well, now that SS is 19 yo and getting ready to go away for college (he did finally get into some decent schools!), DH is much less motivated to fight me and shame me to give SS his way, though there has been hiccups. For example, at the start of the month, SS wanted to come early on a Friday morning to do loads of laundry. Dh had a day off and guilted me into allowing him to come over early (the schedule had always been for Friday evening). It was no big deal in the end, but I just had other plans for the day at home and it was a reminder that for DH, SS's needs and preferences are 100% valid and fixed, whereas mine is flexible and not necessarily worth satisfying. I told DH that I was becoming a lot less tolerant about these exceptions to an agreed schedule now that SS was 19. I asked DH if he would like to have my 21 yo son as a roommate and DH was like 'absolutely not!' I said that was understandable, and that it didn't make him a bad person for not wanting that. I feel that a light clicked on for dh. It seems that since then, DH has not been browbeating me about catering to SS's demands.

It's not that the visitation schedule has changed, but DH is starting to frame it differently. Up until recently, DH would present SS's transition here as driven completely by SS's choice and preference, even if he had to be redirected. But now DH is more clear that SS's visits will be based in part on our (and my) terms. I think that's too much for SS - he can no longer cling to the illusion that he's the boss over me, so that is why I think he's choosing not to stay here. But this has prompted me to feel guilty (others on here have expressed the same sentiment). The right thing prevailed - in no world should SS have thought that he should have more authority and control over our household than the responsible grown ups. But because SS set up this false choice (either him or me), dh who initially chose him, is now choosing me. That is not quite true - dh is just correcting himself, and not caving to SS's desire for supremacy, but that is being perceived by SS as "losing" to me. If only SS could have seen that it was to his benefit to just be the kid in the situation. But now it seems that SS is hurt and is staying away from his dad whom he loves a lot. I guess I came on here for reassurance that if my presence causes a rift between them. I'm not completely responsible. There was nothing I could have done to dissuade SS from inserting a set up that was bound to fail (obviously, SS was bound to move on and eventually start his own family).

But as often happens, I could be totally wrong, and SS will start to want to be here 24/7 again, maybe after he's done being mad at dad. I often feel like a guinea pig wondering what they're going to do next and whether it's going to be good or bad for me...