Affair Stepparents
This is gonna be very controversial so I apologize in advance, but I'm a stepparent due to an affair. I'm a lesbian and there mom is as well. Though she was married to her boys' (17 and 14) dad for a bit but during the loveless marriage they had (She struggled with a lot of mental health issues. One of them being her sexuality). I don't want to get too into detail as of right now since it's a LOT of dark stuff to take in but I just want to know if I'm not alone in this. I've been with her for 11 years now. Just want to know if there's anyone else like me. Like you all, I love my fiancé but I hate being a stepparent.
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Obviously, cheating on a
Obviously, cheating on a partner... esp married is not ideal.. The orientation issues are a complexity here.. and may , for her sons.. be an additional issue they have to work through. Though, at their age, they likely have some knowledge of the LBT... community and probably even know peers that may have other orientations at their school. But, depending on their background.. it may be something they find difficult to accept.
It's possible that they may realize their mother was unhappy for many years and be relieved to not be in the middle of the stress.. but they also may be angry that she "broke up their family".. and all the stress and drama that comes with that.
And.. unfortunately for you.. you are a very easy target for their anger and resentment.. because you aren't their mother.. they can lay all the blame at your feet.. because it's emotionally easier than "hating their bio parent".
So.. I don't know what issues you think you are dealing with.. but I personally feel that a child that has parents cheat and the person they cheated with knew of the marriage.. I feel like they just may never get past that.. and it may get to a point where your partner may have to choose her kids or you...And.. I don't necessarily blame them for not wanting to "make nice" with someone they may consider was a part of their home life breaking apart.
No, kids don't get to dictate adult relationships.. but when you cheat on your spouse.. their father in this case.. there is ample reason for them to have resentment towards their mother.. AND you.. and you will be easiest to hate since there is no natural bond..
In the end.. your partner did not go about things in the proper order.. which would have been to leave her relationship.. then start one later with a new partner.. her price to pay for that may be one you share and that is a level of estrangement and resentment that no one gets past. These kids are old enough that they aren't likely to just "get used to it".
I get what you mean
Those boys don't live with us anymore. As tragic as it is to say, their father took his own life last year and both the boys found him that way. Like a week after the 17 year olds birthday. I love their mom, she's my best friend, soulmate, etc but if I could've met her in a different way, I would've.
Biodad's suicide is not on you. It is not even on your DF.
His choice was completely selfish and made all of the failed family drama even more destructive to those two young men.
A permanent solution to a temporary problem is never appropriate IMHO.
My university BFF found his dad when he was 12yo. My BFF is the only male in his paternal family in many generations who has not unalived himself. Hid dad, his uncles, his grandfather all killed themselves. His mom shared this with me on his wedding night and asked me to be aware and keep an eye on him.
Fortunately my BFF has engaged professionals to help him address his likely genetic mental health issues and is doing well.
I hope your SSs-17 get help and focus on living their best lives in spite of all of their failed family baggage.
"My BFF is the only male in
"My BFF is the only male in his paternal family in many generations who has not unalived himself."
My dad knew a guy like this. Financially successful, nice family, but the men did this in middle age. The guy's twin brother did it and people knew it was only a matter of time. My dad's friend held out anither year but it's like they were programmed to self-destruct.
It is sad and I am always on alert with my friend.
He did have a year or two of depression but seems to have received effective therapeutic and medical/pharmaceutical support.
In addition to his paternal predisposition to checking out there are other family dynamics in play. He is an affair baby between his dad who was married to my friends adoptive mom, and a married woman who had about a dozen kids that dumped him on daddy's doorstep as an infant because BioMom and her family could not afford another baby and BioMom's DH would not tolerate another mans child in his home/marriage/family. His mom is incredible. She and BioDad adopted my Uni-BFF. BFF does not know that he is the BK of his self checked out adoptive father.
I got all off this on his wedding night from his mom's family after he and his bride left for the honeymoon suite. They gang tackled me and burned my ear with all of it for hours as we put a major dent in the free wedding reception bar. I have not disclosed any of it to him. Though it pains me that he does not know his own origin story. As committed as I am to the facts, I do not have a clue how to bring him up to speed without causing major damage to him and his mom. All he knows is that he is adopted. For medical risk reasons I think that he should know.
He has no interest in finding or knowing his "BioParents". Though he was raised from birth to age 12 by his adoptive father who was his BioDad. His mom is an incredible person. One of my all time favorites.
It is sad and I am always on alert with my friend.
The world is a far better place with him in it.
He did have a year or two of depression but seems to have received effective therapeutic and medical/pharmaceutical support.
In addition to his paternal predisposition to checking out there are other family dynamics in play. He is an affair baby between his dad who was married to my friends adoptive mom, and a married woman who had about a dozen kids that dumped him on daddy's doorstep as an infant because BioMom and her family could not afford another baby and BioMom's DH would not tolerate another mans child in his home/marriage/family. His mom is incredible. She and BioDad adopted my Uni-BFF. BFF does not know that he is the BK of his self checked out adoptive father.
I got all off this on his wedding night from his mom's family after he and his bride left for the honeymoon suite. They gang tackled me and burned my ear with all of it for hours as we put a major dent in the free wedding reception bar. I have not disclosed any of it to him. Though it pains me that he does not know his own origin story. As committed as I am to the facts, I do not have a clue how to bring him up to speed without causing major damage to him and his mom. All he knows is that he is adopted. For medical risk reasons I think that he should know.
He has no interest in finding or knowing his "BioParents". Though he was raised from birth to age 12 by his adoptive father who was his BioDad. His mom is an incredible person. One of my all time favorites.
Both boys hate us. The 17 year old has said...
That he wants us to suffer. He doesn't like the idea of his dad being dead while me and his mom live happy. He's said it's not right.
I can't say that SS does not have a point and a reason for his
I can't say that SS does not have a point and a reason for his position and disdain.
Had either one of my parents been an adulterer, I can't see myself having anything to do with them or their cheat buddy or even any progeny they may have spawned with the cheat buddy. Kids are not asked if it is okay for mommy or daddy to cheat. I get that would be a rage generator for a kid to experience.
But, adultery is a major trigger for me due to my serially adulterous XW.
However, your SO's X's suicide is not your fault her hers. A permanent solution to a temporary problem is the most selfsh act a person can perpetrate against others. IMHO.
Hopefully this young man can find some peace as time progresses.
I don’t think anybody is happy being a step parent
No one can tell you what's its like, all the side issues are, Most people who get divorced are unhappy. Breaking up a family is a hard thing to do. The affair doesn't matter. In any break up there is usually an affair.of some type.
You have the lesbian part to deal with, the SK, have to deal with in someway. Not being an. ''. 'transitional '' family. The kids should see someone if needed.
Just hang in and vent with all of us.
Yeah try saying that to those boys
To them, it matters a lot
So the kids were 6 and 3 when
So the kids were 6 and 3 when y'all had an affair? In my opinion, they shouldn't even know there was an affair due to the fact that at those ages, they shouldn't even remember their parents' marriage. If they do, then one or both of their parents failed them in a major way. I say this as someone who has hidden my XH's affairs from my DD because I don't want to damage her relationship with him. This works because he also doesn't want her to know and has kept his affair partners away from her.
If they know it, then they can't un-know it, and that's something you have to deal with. I agree with ESMOD that an affair partner can't expect to be forgiven or fully integrated into the family. It happens in some cases, but not any that I've personally known of. It's too much to expect kids to get over, particularly if their other parent is in their ear about it. I think the best you can hope for and require is that the kids are respectful of you, in the way that they should be of any adult they encounter. But I wouldn't advise trying to take on a "parent" role in anyway. Think....mildly interested family friend who is present for important events. If you can manage that and keep things with the kids cordial and light, a relationship could grow from there as they enter adulthood. But ultimately I would tell you to focus on your relationship with your wife, and let her 100% handle anything to do with the kids separately from you.
I'm team the kids need the facts and the truth.Age appropriately
Secrets and lies are damaging to CODs.
If the kids don't know, their family perspectives are based on lies. Never a good idea.
IMHO.
Kids are smart. At some point they will ask and when they are told that their entire childhood family understanding was based on lies it will not go well for anyone in the mix.
The cheater will be exposed, the other parent is a liar and will also be exposed. As protective of the kids and their relationship with their cheat parent the intent may be, it is still lies. Kids deserve the truth.
My SS came home from a SpermLand visitation when he was in his later teens though before aging out from under the CO. "Mom, tell me what happened." We never kept it from him, but neither did we bad mouth his Spermidiot and the SpermClan. DW gave him the overview. SS knew it all. He had asked questions periodically throughout his childhood. We answered with the facts and the truth. What stood out to him was how much the SpermClan lied, changed the stories when he called them on their lies, and how what he personally witnessed and experienced with them differed from their words. As he grew older progressing toward aging out from under the CO he would go through the Custody/Visitation/Support drawers in our study filing cabinets. When something he witnessed or heard in SpermLand did not pass the smell test, he did his own research and would then ask us questions.
After DW gave him the overview SS asked her "Mom, what were you thinking?".
Lying to the kids is not much different than sustaining a toxic marriage "for the kids". Neither is a good idea. Neither is in the best interests of the kids. Or anyone else for that matter.
IMHO, be decent, be reasonable, and if you are of the mind to cheat, do it after you leave. The microbial risks of what a cheater could bring back is a frightening thing to consider.
IMHO of course.
A hard thing for any child to
A hard thing for any child to grasp about their parent is that they are human, that they are fallible and that they do not have all the answers. Also, these are teenagers, they are on the cusp of adulthood and are going through all their own shit and trying to figure out who they are going to be in their lives. This makes it doubly hard when their parent does something outside of what they have been told is the “norm” for society. I hope your SO is having hard honest conversations with her kids, if they are even willing to listen.
This is true... people are
This is true... people are not perfect.. normal is not even normal really.... just a range of normalcy.. but we all have some dysfunction I think.. and most families have their fair share of it too.
I think an important message for the boys is that their parents ARE human.. they will make mistakes.. they may have their own baggage and struggles.. and sometimes people are just doing the best that they can.. even when the kids might not see it as good enough.. it may be all that they can do.
Also, parents may act in spite of their family.. they may have an affair.. they may exit life.. and those things are about them.. and their own issues.. and aren't dependent on their kids.. really.
I have told both my SD's that while they were not always perfect.. both their parents did the best they could with what they had.. it may not have allowed for the north face jackets the older one thought she should have.. or new cars at 16.. and shuttling back and forth to homes.. but they had homes.. they were fed and their parents cared.
Their mom has some issues with her mental health we are fairly certain... probably bi-polar.. she used to have big grandiose promises .. only to dissapoint her kids.. it was hard to watch.. but even with all the crap BM gave us.. I still feel she probably was doing her best.. and it wasn't my place to point out her faults to her kids.. they could see them clear enough from where they were sitting.
Now that they are both adults.. I think they have a better idea of how difficult relationships and life can be.. and perhaps their expecations were a bit high as kids..and in hindsight.. their parents were doing what they could.
I agree that people do their
I agree that people do their best. It sucks when you are on the receiving end of their worst, but i even have empathy for BM2 here. Now, my resentment and disgust often outweighs it because i think she and i were pretty much pitted against each other from the start. But i do get where she's coming from.
They don't care to listen
Specifically the 17 year old doesn't care to listen the most. He said: "Fuck you and your wack ass reasons or whatever lame ass excuse you wanna make you couldn't keep your legs closed and you thought it was cool to fuck around when your hoe ass was married. Fuck your dogshit excuses. Fuck your relationship. Fuck that noodle headed piece of shit girlfriend of yours. You fucked my life over just to make yours better and act like it's good for me to? Fuck you I hope your fucking piece of shit gf dies so you can see how I feel you lesbian bitch".
Y don't the boys live with
Y don't the boys live with you anymore?
The boys have been put through the wringer. However they decided to treat you, you clearly treated them worse from before even meeting them.Then their father committed suicide and their mother is not raising them. They are justified in not wanting anything to.do with either you or their cheating mother. You don't get to do whatever you want in life and then expect others to just forgive and forget.