A year of blending.
I have an update. My husband was granted full custody of his two daughters ages 15 and 12 in May 2024 he was granted temporary custody starting September 2023 his daughters have not had any contact with their mother since September 2023 and for those of you who haven't read my previous blogs the bio mom is a narcissist with drug and alcohol addiction and is in complete denial that her behavior is causing harm to her children. She has spent the better part of 10 years alienating her children from me, (their stepmother) and their father. It's really been an ongoing struggle up until CWS started their investigation in 2023. In 2021 my husband was awarded 90% custody after learning that his kids were being sexually abused by their mother's boyfriend who is now serving time in prison. The biomom never stuck to that court order. She would keep the kids at her house and tell us that they didn't want to come back to our house, but then the kids would miss school on her days. She would say that they're sick. Well, we found out later during CWS's investigation in 2023 that mom was not home. She wasn't coming home until days later. Just leaving the kids by themselves with no food not attending school or anything and she would tell the kids to lie to us or to not tell us anything so we're finding out years later what actually happened and it is messed up. We found a text thread on the 12 year olds phone where the bio mom was fighting with the boyfriend that she lives with, and he left the house because she was drunk and punched him in the face breaking his nose, and she faked one of the children getting cut on the foot. She had been begging the boyfriend to come back home, but he wouldn't so she's stoop so low as to fake an injury she took pictures of fake blood all over the sons foot and was like "you need to come back home. He needs help. Please come back", it was all fake. Obviously, because of the drugs and alcohol and the kids missing school CWS had enough evidence to remove all the children from the house, including a nine-year-old son whose father is in prison. The half brother of my stepdaughters is currently staying with his paternal aunt and her and I get along really well. We've been supporting each other through this entire process and from time to time she'll tell me that the bio mom Failed a drug test missed a supervised visit with her son and he gets really upset, but overall the sons behaviors have improved with less time around his mom. He was having meltdowns in the classroom, hitting himself crying because he didn't know the answer. He's also expressed feeling responsible for the situation between him and his mom he's really been through a lot and is doing so much better now he is in a completely stable environment, he gets upset when his mom doesn't come to supervised visits as he should, but this last time it was during her birthday she didn't show she didn't let anyone know she wasn't gonna show and when CWS was looking for her she told them she had the flu so of course when she sees her son the next time she tells him that she's was really sick and she couldn't eat and she lost 10 pounds and now of course he's feeling so bad for her and he felt really really sad that she looked so thin, but her family isn't worried about her because they said they see her on Facebook hanging out with her friends of course the friends that use drugs so she's just out there doing drugs right now not worrying about getting her kids back and he'll most likely be permanently placed with his paternal aunt, which is great because bio mom really needs to get it together. We haven't heard anything from her since June. She took the opportunity to text my husband on his birthday in June something that was completely irrelevant to his birthday. She wanted to take the kids up to San Francisco for court during the summer and it's just real unclear what her motive was texting him but there is no way we're sending the kids up to San Francisco with her. She even told him she would do a drug test before seeing the daughters and offered to suck his d**k to see them. The judge approved visits with the daughters while in therapy but she hasn't reached out to schedule that (it's been 1 year). The relationship with my 15 year-old stepdaughter has been wonderful. We get along really well. We can humanely discuss issues together and come to solutions most of the time, the 12-year-old and I are still trying to figure it out. She's pretty bitter towards me still and that causes some hostility in the home but maybe we just have personality types that don't get along really well. I don't like her doing witchcraft trying to harm me, but that was instilled by her bio mom too so what can we really do? The only time she's nice is when she wants me to take her to the beach with my bio kids, but I'm also more welcoming during those times too. The good news is the kids are doing well. The sad news is their bio mom is in denial of her substance abuse. She's failed to get a job, failed to pay child support, failed to move out of the house she shares with an ex boyfriend, she's lost her drivers licenses, she's been arrested multiple times, she's missing out on a relationship with her kids because she's unstable and refuses to do what's required of her. That's where excuses get you.
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Unfortunately, his EX is
Unfortunately, his EX is probably past the point of "choosing" to do the wrong things.. that's where addiction gets you. You put your addiction before family, friends, jobs etc..
BUT, that does not necessarily mean that anyone should give her a break and allow her to access the kids when she proves to be a danger to them. So, it's good that your DH finally has gotten custody.. and hopefully with time, the younger girl will realize that the life she had with her mom was unhealthy and unfair to her. Given the abuse, I am hoping both the girls get regular therapy to deal with that and the stress of changing family dynamics.
It is sad for the girls because they want their mother.. and their mother has had years to instill her side of things to them.. and her cutting out and letting them down.. it is hurtful.. so again.. another reason therapy may be helpful.
I hope they eventuallly realize that you stepped up to help.. not necessarily replace their mom.. but open your home and your life to them.
Wow
You all have been through a lot! I agree with ESMOD, BM is probably too far gone. All those poor kids. Are the girls in therapy?
Hang in there, you're doing a good job. One day at a time...
Sucks their bio mom is more
Sucks their bio mom is more focused on her next fix then getting custody of her kids
I logically know that kids having their parents is important but I sometimes wonder if it's better for those kids to have the parent either in their lives (doing their job taking care of their kids) or out of their lives (if they can't or won't get their mental health / addiction treated).
You have to keep those kids away from BM
I would play every trick to keep the kids away.
White space. Please. The huge
White space. Please. The huge block of typed letter vomit limits your readers' ability to get through your post.
Use white space and you will likely get more feedback.
Though challenging, I did read it all.
The good news is that the SDs are in a much better place. As for SD-12 and her pollution by BM. She is old enough to choose to continue to perpetrate the crap her BM loaded her with. Parents set boundaries, standards of performance, and standards of behavior. Compliance to that and holding the kid accountable for compliance to those parentally established and enforced standards and boundaries has absolutely nothing to do with personality types. It has everything to do with behaviors. Do not let fee fees interfer in the enforcement of the boundaries and standards.
As for BM being gone. Good riddance. The extremely remote chance she will every pull her head out of her ass and qualify to have a significant relationship with these girls are at best at the odds of slim to none.
Good riddance to her not being in these kids lives or the lives of your family. That is the best possible outcome for everyone. Who gives a shit about BM in this. She is shit. You scrap shit off of your shoe. You do not mourn that you have scrapped it off of your shoe. Let BM rot in her choices and protect your family. Get the girls the help they need to process the facts, facts should be given to them in an age appropriate manner, and keep them fully abreast of reality regarding their idiot POS mother.
Lather...... rinse..... repeat.
We very effectively utilized this model to save my SS from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool and raised him to viable adulthood to be a man of honor, character and standing in his life, career, and community. His 3 younger BioDad spawned half sibs include spawn #2 who is on the dole, #3 who is in prison, and #4 who is not far behind the inmate. These girls are away from BM, keep it that way using every legal means necessary, raise them with standards, required reasonable behavior and performance from them, and focus on your family. You don't have much time. These girls are already fully polluted by their BM. Our SS was not overly exposed to the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. His Spermidiot is a pot head and serial statutory rapist (never charged or convicted but the calendar does not lie), His mom, my DW has sole physical and legal custody since birth. We married the week before SS turned 2yo. Even with that, it took diligent defense of the CO to protect my SS from them and it took the complute, total, and pure facts and truth provided to him in an age appropriate manner to protect him from their lies, manipulations, and PASing while on COd visitation.
Take care of the girls. Take care of your family. Take care of you.
Don't forget, white space!
You are unfortunately are in for a long struggle.
It's isn't the kids fault. They need proper mental health counseling and support. What could and most likely will go on for years. Plus you have the BM dysfunctional problem. Everyttume sgevfelks guilty she will try to contact the kids to make herself feel better.
'kids never abandon there bio mother, They were abused but will see you and there father as the villain, You [anybody ] can never erase what happened to them. All you can do is live them and try to give them a normal life.
'Try to keep BM contact with the kids minimum ... What is highly impossible to days with cell phones , and tablets. Once BM gets there phone number.
Best of luck, you will need it.