Time to come clean.
STalkers,
I have long shared how much of a Unicorn my SParent life, marriage, and my SKid are. Though foundationally nothing has changed, we have had some setbacks related to our son. My former SS-32 (approaching 33) who I have raised as my own since his mom and I married a week before he turned 2yo. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen.
Earlier this month he reached his 14th service anniversary in the military and is now less than 6yrs from qualifying for full retirement.
Over the past nearly year he has been increasingly struggling with some emotional and psychological illness issues. We started noticing some things about 3yrs ago and over that time he has grown increasingly isolated and communicated less and less.
I have touched on this briefly in a couple of discussion threads.
We do not know a lot, but we know there have been grooming and SA issues by two Sr leaders. Apparently he suppressed it all and had experienced increasing issues with depression, anxiety, and severe isolation other than with work. He is very diligent about maintaining his professional reputation though even that has taken some hits in the past several months.
Starting ~3yrs ago he sought professional help and the military healthcare team has been very supportive. It is during psychological and psychiatric sessions that he started recovering memory of the grooming and SA. As mandatory reporters the Docs had to report once the who perpetrated the grooming and SA became apparent. SS had made closed reports to the SA investigative unit. As I understand it this keeps things focused on identifying repeat issues with multiple victims without the one doing the reporting having to be named. Once the Docs figured out who was perpetrating the SA they were duty bound to take the information to the investigating team and it was mandatory that it be transitioned to an open investigation. One primary Dx is PTSD. All of the PTSD and trauma related stuff is on top of an adult Dx of ADHD when he was ~29. None of his Pediatricians growing up would even consider it though we did did bring it up based on observations that my dad had made.
This has put a ton of guilt on SS as he had no intention of destroying anyone's career. He did the closed reporting to try to protect others while not ending the careers of the perpetrators, and to avoid having to openly testify. The issue is that the perpetrators are very Sr and have perpetrated a number of crimes throughout all of this. Against SS and other victims. SS is a victim so apparently there is no risk of him facing charges. He succumbed only after multiple years of grooming by the perpetrators.
I have shared a number of times that my son is gay. He came out to his mom and I at 20yo. We assured him that he was our son, that we loved him, and his being gay changed nothing other than our relief that he would now be able to have what his mom and I have, his uncle and aunt have, and what my parents have. A wonderful partnership to build a life together within. My one request of him was to maintain diligence in his surroundings and the people he was with as life is challenging enough and not everyone would be accepting or supportive of him being gay. I did not consider that his epiphany would make him a target within the gay community. He is a strikingly handsome man. I am not just being a loving biased dad. He truly is strikingly attractive and very masculine.
Because he did not do much dating in his teens and what dating he did do was with very forward young women, he was behind the curve in healthy dating relationships when he came to his realization of being a gay man. After coming out he dated actively for 5+ years though none of those were appropriately equivalent partners for him. He is not a superficial person, he is incredibly intelligent (with multiple assessment tests to prove it), and he is historically a top performer professionally. While he was in Europe he started dating a wonderful young man who was also in the military. They were peers in rank but in different units and specialties. During that relationship he started insulating himself. That was during the peak of the grooming and SA experiences. He pushed his BF away and that relationship ended. We knew something was amiss. We supported, asked questions, but did not push.
So now we are at a point where his mom and I fear that completion of his career to full retirement is extremely unlikely. His mental and emotional illnesses make that exceptionally unlikely. With the investigations now being open and charges having been brought against very Sr staff it is a shit storm of monumental intensity that our son is facing and struggling with. He will have to testify if the criminals do not take a plea. He is very detail oriented and had a ton of documented evidence that he gave to the investigation team. Based on the evidence provided my our son, that team found other victims so an investigation that was supposed to have been completed in January is on going which amplifies our son's anxiety. He is not doing well. His mom and I are scared shit-less. He has not mentioned any suicidal inclinations. However, he is in such an isolated and sullen place internally that we are both concerned about that.
At this point I am hoping that he can get a full early medical retirement and full lifetime VA disability. His need for life time therapy and psychiatric treatment is IMHO extremely likely. I do not know if he will ever be able to function professionally, socially, and completely independently otherwise. He is in a very bad place internally. The military has reached its limit in working with him on attendance, etc.. and has started the performance monitoring, documentation, and reprimand process. Historically he is a top performer. Highly recognized and even decorated in his previous units. As people promote and transfer to new roles he has had a number of new leaders and a number of changes to his medical/psych treatment teams since he first sought therapy about 3yrs ago. The newest leaders are not tolerant or willing to work with him. Which as a long time Sr leader myself is not surprising to me. Though as parents it is infuriating to my bride and I.
His mom and I will of course have his back and would never put him on the streets. However, neither will we sacrifice our own wonderful life and financial security over this.
I have had some thoughts that my parenting style combined with the shit show perpetrated by the SpermClan may have some contribution to my son's challenges. He has shared in a very brief comment that he is struggling with anger towards family though he would not share who specifically. He and his therapist are working on that apparently.
So, that is what we are dealing with from the parenting of a struggling SKidult perspective. He launched at 18 and until fairly recently has had a great adult life and career. His mom and I truly are heartbroken over it.
Updates are and will likely remain rare as we are fortunate to get a call every 3mos of so. Those calls start very zombie like but do trend to improve as he engages, talks, and his brain wakes up. He spends his days either at work or holed up in his apartment with his apparently neurotic and very needy cat. He shared in a call late last week that he has been engaging his leaders with requests for performance feedback though from what he shared it seems to be in the form of simping to them and whining. Which is not a good thing in his profession or work environment. His speech has taken on significant characteristics of mental illness. One of my childhood BFFs was Dx'd with Schizophrenia in his mid 20s. SS's speech sounds a lot like how my friend speaks. For my friend these speech patterns started after his Dx and increased over time. Prior to his Dx, he was extremely intelligent, articulate, and well spoken. My son gets to the intelligent, articulate, and well spoken point after an hour or so of speaking with us. When his brain finally engages he is pretty much his historic self. Until then, it is some truly frightening shit for us to work through with him.
We leave in 2.5 weeks to spend a week with him before heading to the Caribbean for a week with friends. We have booked an extended stay suite less than a mile from his apartment so we can cook meals and visit together if his social anxiety overwhelms him. We have some activities planned with only moderate confidence he will engage.
We shall see.
- Rags's blog
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Comments
Hoping for the best outcome
I'm so sorry you and DW are dealing with this scary situation. It's so hard to watch our adult kids stumble when we want the best for them and would do all possible to help them. Hoping for your very best outcome.
Thank you JRI.
Aw, Rags, I'm so sorry to hear that your son is struggling! You and your wife have invested so much, nurturing the young man, encouraging him to succeed and thrive, that it must be devastating, knowing that he is suffering yet being powerless to ‘fix’ him.
My younger DD was diagnosed as bipolar some 20 years ago; I’ve always blamed myself for cursing my daughters with genes from a paternal family with rampant mental illnesses; psychopaths, narcissists and a sprinkling of various personality disorders. My DD’s bio dad was a stone psychopath and seeing some of his characteristics in my daughter and grandson sadden me deeply.
Having read your posts for over a decade, my friend, I always hoped that your son would escape the ‘shallow and polluted’ genetics from his bio father’s side of his makeup yet both the genetic material and the lifestyles of those degenerates was bound to have its negative influence.
All you can do is to continue being the loving and supportive dad that you’ve always been and keep hoping for the best.
Thank you grannyd.
As good as DW and I live and as much as we both enjoy our life together, family is our regular heartbreak. Particualary my IL clan. We are not heartbroken for the person our son is. Though we are hearbroken over what he is going through. DW is tending to blame the military for "breaking our kid". I am not on that mental path. I am pissed at the criminals who targeted, groomed, and sexuall assaulted him. These are leaders. I am hopeful that a very long stay in Leavenworth, loss of their commissions and all rank, and loss of retirement is in their futures. Then after all of that, a feet first live feeding session into a pen.full of very hungry large bone crunching porcines.
I do see your wife's point in
I do see your wife's point in that the military needs more safeguards. I'm no expert but i've seen it with a young woman. My friend's daughter ended up marrying one guy, getting pregnant by another, then ending up with yet another guy within a span of about a year. All military and they were working closely together. She took medical discharge due to the pregnancy and is out now, and hopefully will get her life together. She didn't have much experience with men prior to enlisting and as a pretty, straight girl, she was like chum in the water for these guys. She was raised in a southern small town, very involved in church, etc., before her military experience.
It's nice to be inclusive but there are realities when you have young people in their teens and early 20s in close quarters for long periods (or worse, predatory older people.) They need to do more to discourage this type of thing to protect not just young women but also now with inclusivity of sexual orientation, young men. The reality is that men, gay or straight, tend to be more sexually predatory than women. It's biology i guess. It doesn't seem like they have made adjustments for that.
Just my take as an outsider. Like i said, i'm not military so haven't lived it. But maybe his testimony will help bring needed change.
I grew up around military
I grew up around military bases.. being a brat.. so was a bit closer to being in the service.
I think that part of the reason why there is resistance to women being on the front line is the complexity of relationships that can have unintended consequences on the "unit". The military does a lot to transform indivicuals into parts of the the "machine"/unit.. they want soldiers to be a team.. and when you have romantic relationships.. that can and will interfere with the possible alliegences and roles. Women also are generally physically less able to perform on the front lines.. and the risks to their participation can be relatively worse than the "average" guy's. I can see the side that says that limit's a woman's ability to advance in the military.. but I also feel that there are a lot of pivotal roles women can fulfil from a safer distance.. even roles that might have impact on front lines (drone operators perhaps as an example).
But, yes.. you have young people in the prime of their "coupling up" life.. in tight quarters.. driven by their training to bond.. add in a dash of danger and stress and people seek comfort.. and I'm not sure that there is enough training or sticks to prevent it from being an issue to some extent.
Clearly predatory behavior should be dealt with...and I do believe they have rules on that.. but like in civilian life. it's sometimes tough for people to press charges and follow through.
That is such an awful
That is such an awful situation for all.
I would want to do very bad things indeed to anyone who hurt either of my daughters like that. Your poor son must feel so isolated right now. Even if he is isolated by choice, once you step into it, it's a very slippery slope and so hard to claw your way out of.
You and your DW must be beside yourselves. The frustration of wanting to help but not being able/allowed to must be overwhelming. I wish you all the best for your upcoming visit.
Thank hou Winterglow.
Yes, we are infuriated beyond measure at the criminals who targeted and destroyed our son. We are heartbroken that there is nothing we can do to help him.
We will have his back and welcome him home if it comes to that.
Damn, i'm so sorry. Your SS
Damn, i'm so sorry. Your SS is brave to speak out. His actions will protect so many future victims and hopefully lead to systemic change that will protect other young soldiers.
I can't imagine what it must be like as parents to feel so powerless. It's possible that your SS's isolation combined with side effects of meds is what is making him sound mentally ill. It really is rare for schizophrenia to show up in the 30s. Hopefully once he gets in a better place, his previous personality will re-emerge or a newer, happier, and self-accepting one will rise up.
When i was 18, i went to work for a major company as an intern and became involved with a 35-year-old senior professional. It took a long time for me to stop blaming myself and tbh, i still sort of do, even though i know he was the "adult". The guilt follows me to this day as crazy as it sounds because i wasn't physically "forced." I just didn't have the maturity to make better decisions.
One of my kids is transgender, and while i know it's not a "mental illness" per se, i believe that it's a hard life ahead compared to the "traditional" route. I ask myself a lot if i could have done anything to change things, not because i don't love my child but because i do. I want them to have the most peaceful and happy life possible. We all did the best we knew how at the time. Your SS has far surpassed his siblings as far as achievement and that is due to you and your wife's parenting. We can't protect them from everything and that is so hard.
Rags, so sorry to hear your
Rags, so sorry to hear your son has struggled. The past several years have been a struggle for many coming out of the "covid fog" and your son has additional stressors that he has had to endure.. as well as some probably inborn issues that make him more vulnerable.
The grooming and assault are horrific. The military setting must make it more challenging.. as well as his being gay piling on to the complexity. While the military has certainly become more accepting, I'm sure that there is still some large enough population of people that aren't as naturally "welcoming" to diversity.. despite all the training..
Your son also seems to have had some natural tendency to withdraw inwards.. I recall that you had issues with him as a younger guy with video games.. and he may be introverted and covid and his need to protect himself may have rekindled that kind of coping mechanism.. keeping himself "to himself"..
It's unfortunate that his current boss is not more understanding.. but I guess at a point.. they have a job to get done.. and in their eyes.. if your son is not capable of performing his role.. then it reflects on them.. and they see their job as making him perform.. so setting expectations.. and not letting him make excuses.
I guess your son also may need to also understand that while he should want feedback from his leadership, that at the end of the day, they are not "personally" concerned about the why's of his lack of performance.. they just want to see him perform.. to a standard that he has shown he was capable of in the past... they probably see through "sucking up/simping".. and they don't want whining (excuses).. they want to see him do his job.. and honestly.. probably want him to do it well, without them having to push.. (ie making them work harder). His therapist is a good place for the whining.. and it's ok to be upset by the unfairness of things.. but at the end of the day.. we have to take initiative to make our own way in life.. and lots of people have pasts that include trauma.. and difficult periods.. whether it be abuse.. poor parenting... just plain old bad cards dealt.
As far as anger at family.. well.. in the end.. your family had you for "18 years".. and it's up to you to live your life NOW. If your family is/was toxic.. learn how to not be toxic.. and move on and live your life better.. Holding on to that resentment.. when there is NOTHING anyone can do to go back and relive and redo the past.. is a bit pointless. I mean.. don't get me wrong.. it's good to understand root causes of disordered thinking and behaviors.. but being stuck in the past.. when that past can't be changed is not helpful. He is an adult now.. and he can live the life he wants.. despite the family he was "stuck with".
I am sure the prospects of going through the military process for the SA situation is stressful... and it sounds like his two great areas of focus with his therapist should be a two pronged approach.. how to deal and cope with that stress.. and focus on his job.. in a way that shows his management he is committed to improving.
I don't know if it might be helpful for him to force himself into some sort of more social obligation.. a class.. a sport.. a therapy group.. to keep him from "rotting away" in his apartment. Maybe even a volunteer type situation.. like at an animal shelter.. where it would be focused on animals and their needs.. with a bit of accessory human contact.
I also might suggest he think about taking up some sort of physical activity.. maybe something new to him.. like horseback riding.. I know it sounds stupid.. but when people connect with animals.. and become proficient at a new skill it can be empowering.. or maybe he has always wanted to sail? Or run a marathon.. something he can do that he can set some personal goals.. with some set time obligations to blast him out of his apt/funk.
Again.. I'm sorry he is going through all this.. and it's tough.. my mom always said.. If it was just somethign we could solve with money.. we would pay it.. but many times our struggles are those that can't be washed away with a few thousand dollars.. I know you and your wife wouldn't want to bankrupt yourself.. but clearly you are prepared to help in some way.. even if it's physical if he needs it.
My SD
Came out about being gay early in. About 13 or 14. That life is hard. All the gay young woman. Decided that wanted chrildren and found a man to marry and be a '''normal''' family.
'it's there life, thay have to live it. You can't tell them how to live there life as you don't want to be told, how to,live your life. Just don't hurt other. People
Prayers
Prayers and much love to your family as you and he struggle through all this.
I Feel Your Pain
And I'm so sorry for this painful walk you and your wife are on with your precious son.
I'm a mom of a combat Veteran. Three deployments. I won't go into details but we've have had our struggles. As you, we love this kid so much. You and your wife are doing everything you can. Keep talking to him, keep him in counseling, and letting him know how much you love him. I'll lift all of you up in my prayers.
My heart breaks for him, and
My heart breaks for him, and for you all. I also have faith that he may come out of this. He is not the only one; are there support groups he can engage in? How is therapy going for him? Is he on meds?
Thank you everyone. I appreciate you all.
My bride and I have each other. I have all of you and STalk. My DW is lamenting the lack of having close GF relationships since our return from overseas. She is not comfortable engaging in friendships through work. I am worried that her work stress, our son's situation, and now my SIL's self induced life collapse will cause major anxiety issues for my incredible bride.
STalk and all of you truly help, and have during my entire nearly 17yrs in this community. So yes, I will no go burn another stack of man cards.
I am confident that it will ultimately all work out. I just hope that it is in a form that allows my son to complete his military career with 20yrs of service. Not making it to that point will be incredibly damaging to him.
IMHO it is doubtful that will happen. He is also not one to just sit in a corner ticking days off of the calendar. He will not do well if they just keep him on duty to avoid legal liabilites. At this point I think the best outcome would be that he remain in the service until the criminals meet their just consequences and then they medically retire him hopefully with a pension and full lifetime medical benefits. The likely life long therapy bills will be staggering without that.
I am not a UCMJ expert and do not know what the likely outcome will be. He has spoken with a law firm that specialzes in legal action in military service situations. but does not want to go that route. I agree with him. Depending on how the military behaves towards him as all of this unfolds.
The perpetrators have lawyered up, both have entered into recent same sex marriages, one having been divorced from a wife that he has several children with. Apparently this is all part of a reasonably common defense strategy intended to spin the script towards the victims being the perpetrators. That SS's actions resulted in the identification of multiple other victims by the investigation team I am hoping is a good thing and will help keep some of the stress off of my mentally and emotionally fragile kid.
Thank you all again. I very much appreciate your support.
I'm so sorry that that
I'm so sorry that that happened to your son. He is very brave going forward. It's good that things have come to light and exposed those perpetrators because it takes their power away and takes away their ability to continue hurting people.
You and your bride are very brave and are awesome parents. I'm sorry that you are going through that. It's agony when your child is suffering.
Prayers and thoughts to you, your family and the other victims.
Thank you.
I'm so sorry....
I can't articulate the degree to which my heart hurts when I read this, Rags. I feel your SS's pain in the depth of my soul. Much love, prayers, and healing thoughts going out to the three of you.
TY Trudie.
DW and I are struggling with not being able to fix it or even help.
That…
...has to be so painful.