Girl I feel you in every level

Once stuff started getting toxic with the Disneyland dude I used to deal with (ex him heavily prioritizing his exwife and kids whims to the detriment of our relationship) I realized I would have to deal with some other nutjob ex constantly using her kids (because she could no longer use her worn out dry p*ssy) as tools for control and manipulation 

Somenof these women are so bitter, jealous, and conniving that the thought of their ex being happy with someone else triggers a years long battle to disrupt everyone around. 

That dude would have been a great partner if he didn't have a messy coparenting dynamic. He still tries hard to get back with me (offering marriage, assets, etc) but I know I don't have the energy, patience, bandwidth to deal with his situation. 

I declined because My peace (which I absolutely refused to negotiate for any man) is more important and I like feeling like I have some semblance of control over my life (vs when his kids come around every weekend, them and their cun+¥ mother  are running the show)

I know you're married but I set a HARD boundary never to involve myself with men who have ex wife's that they're legally, financially, or emotionally involved with because most men will bow down and give in to their ex's demands to "keep the peace" (which really relegates them to doormat status) at the expense of the current marriage/relationship. 

If I was married I'd make it clear to my husband to get his baby mama drama in check FAST and if our household is negatively impacted by another woman's toxic behavior we will be in therapy to see what he is going to do turn it around or if he sticks his head in the sand --> divorce court 

Anyways you have to make the decisions you feel are best for you and your unique circumstances 

First,  I get that going to court and moving are probably off the table.  she could move again.. and you know that spending that money on a court case to get negligable if any financial help is probably a lost cause.

Second,  I do hope your finances are separate.. so that at least your earnings are not subsidizing SS.  

Third,  for the future unknowns that aren't covered in the CO... I would get your DH on the same page there.. that the answer is going to be NO.  Because he is already being bled dry from her over scheduling and hypochondria... that is enough.

I would also probably suggest that he at least try to push back on the psych costs if they are out of network.  He should tell her that he will only pay half of what is considered reasonable and customary as a copay from the insurance.  And.. even if the therapist is not in network... the costs CAN and SHOULD be submitted to the insurance company .. they may just pay at a lower rate... 

and.. yes.. he should have access to the records as the boy's parent.  

While it might stir things up in the short run.. has he thought about refusing to accomodate any sports on his own time.. just go get his son on his time?  despite whatever tournament is on?  Tell BM.. if she wants HIS cooperation.. then she  better cooperate on things like the therapy!

This is just me but if I had the time/resources to do so (idk your situation exactly) hypothetically speaking I'd petition for more physical custody to the point I'd eventually have full custody, sue the BM for child support, make unilateral financial decisions then demand she pay for it, and tell her her presence is stressing the child out

Treat her like the plague / walking ATM she tries to do to your DH 

*ik you said you prefer not to pay for court time so this is just in theory

This is so hard and I feel for you. Do you go to therapy? I really feel that because you have so few options for what you can DO in this situation, through no fault of your own, the only real course of action is to address how you deal with it emotionally/mentally. And your DH probably needs it too; I can't imagine being so powerless over decisions made for my own child.

Your BM might be one of the most nefarious on this site. She's evil and manipulative, but in such a sneaky way that it's incredibly effective. The fact that she's been able to achieve what she has through the courts is shocking to me - I don't think I've ever heard of a more one-sided custody arrangement.  I actually think it would be easier to deal with someone who everyone else can objectively see is a nightmare. I'm really sorry. 

I understand where you are coming from and it’s a shit place to be.  I remember once Spawn came to live with us it was almost like the end of my life.  I spent 7 years fighting against his toxic ex, his inability to stand up and be a parent much less a partner and wondering why I was putting my bio kids through this hell scape all because I chose poorly, again!

People telling me to just let it go, or to just have DH deal with is had no clue that you can’t do that, it doesn’t work that way.  Instead, I vented to anybody who would listen, and I didn’t care that I dragged Meth Mouths name through the mud and that it got back to her.  I vented to my family and friends about how horrible it was raising a kid who hated your guts and who every time you turned around was stabbing you in the back with her toxic mother.  It was the only way I could deal with it.

I could have divorced DH that was an option, but then I would be sharing BD19 with him and honestly the though of her having to live with him and Spawn alone royally pissed me off.  So, I stayed, and I vented my spleen to anybody who would listen.

When Spawn finally aged out, I really didn’t care anymore, all the anxiety and fear vanished.  I was finally free and when she would come screaming at DH to pay for something I didn’t care anymore.  This was now all his problem, and he would need to learn to deal with (or not) outside of our home.

As for the monetary issues I think the lawyer gave your DH excellent advice and should you go back to court to modify the CO, get it in writing about college, vehicles, etc. 

When we were in the thick of dealing with a toxic BM, my response was exactly like yours - it was both physcial and mental, and I couldn't find complete peace until the latest issue was resolved. I also had a real problem dealing with how unfair things were and how unreasonable she was. In my case, it resolved when SD completely pas'd out.

Looking back, if the situation had continued, I think I would have tried to figure out something to calm my immediate reaction, maybe some sort of meditation or deep breathing or something. I know myself well enough to know that I never could have completely disengaged, that would have caused me more stress. My guess is you might also need to stay somewhat engaged. It sounds like such a cliche, but is there something you can try to calm that immediate stress response?

This is easy for me say and hard for you to do, but try and not worry about the future. Yes, she will cause problems over driving and college, but this where your custody order might actually work in your favor since none of those issues are addressed - your DH can simply refuse to pay. Honestly, the way things are going, SS is probably going to be pas'd out by then, so BM won't be able to hold visitation or even the relationship over DH's head. In any case, try and stay in the present and only worry about what is happening right now. I also really struggle with this, so I know how hard it is to do.

On positive for you is that for the most part, you and your DH are on the same page and he is willing to stand up to BM when it will work in his favor. He is already looking at the possibility of "dropping the rope" in the future so he is aware that things may not ultimately work out.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had more advice.

I always feel our BMs are the same narc people! I'm going through this aswell, having a DD4 and DS1 I'm trying hard to protect them from BM drama that seeps into our home every time we get the skids. When I get upset I think of divorce, but now DH is getting treated exactly how I am getting treated by his daughter so I feel we both are in the same boat now. 

I don't really have a lot of advice as I am still navigating myself through the toxic mud, but all I can say is you are not alone with your feelings and it sucks so much when DH's have zero control over anything the skids are exposed to over there.. and then try and manage it here but get told absolutely nothing. 
I am sick to death of the lies that BM makes the skids tell us. I feel we don't get respected in our own home for it.. and when the truth is there infront of them.. SD especially, will continue to blame us and choose to lie. It's so sad and extremely frustrating. BM is so threatened by me and the family DH has moved on with, she will do anything to keep SD PAS'd. 

And a topic we've discussed often in my "freinds" SM group. 

This is hard to say/type but we've all agreed in that group....sometimes one kid gets sacrificed to protect another. When you have a child being impacted by PAS from TWO people (BM, GF) along with the other toxic behaviors coming from that home, it really is a no-win situation. You are looking at five more years of CS (or more depending on your state) and financial impacts by a certified crazy, nasty BM. She will NOT relent. Also, your SS will have an even more demanding schedule once he gets to high school. Your battles are going to be plenty.

And that is where you and your DH have to have a heart-to-heart discussion about the wellbeing of YOU, your child and your family unit. The BM is putting untold stress on you and your marriage. She is impacting your finances. When do you drop the rope?  Only you and your DH can answer that. 

My DH dropped the rope for one at age 15. She was toxic in our home and wreaked havoc every time she was here. DH decided to let her visit when she wanted and it brought some peace to our lives. She'd come for the afternoon but it eventually morphed into her and DH going out to dinner every few months.  She's in her mid 30's now, still mentally ill but somehow managing in life. Her and DH have a good relationship these days. I do NOT see her.

I'm sorry, Castle.  I hate your BM.

Do not preemptively explain anything to DD.  When she asks, answer with the truth and as she gets older, introduce her to the full facts in an age appropriate manner. 

At least you have a CO. If cars and college are not addressed in the CO, then there is zero need to pay BM a Cent on those things.  Once SS ages out from under the CO, I am assuming that occurs on either age 18 or HS graduation whichever is the later, then you have total control over any marital income and your and DH can choose how to apply that income for the best interests of your marriage and family.  You are likely about 6yrs away from freedom from the toxic Harpy pair bond and can then go full engagement with SS-12 about how he will participate as a member of your family.  I would start on the full facts with SS now if I were you and DH.  Start with caring expressions of sorrow over how his mom and the GF bury him in their control rather than letting him be a kid.

My SIL was one of these.  She had my niece and nephews in every possible activity to the point that they were exhausted constantly. They would visit with my parents and on more than one occasion would break down in sobs over being able to just relax and not have to constantly be in a sport or piano lessons or going on runs with their mother, or, or, or, or, or.  She did the same to my brother. She was a SAHM and never worked after she got pregnant with my niece when she and my brother were dating.  She went from being supported by her dad and SM and her mom and StepDad both couples who were very wealthy, to being supported by my brother.  He would come home from a 12+hr work day and she would hand him the kids, tell him he had to care for them and she would either go run or disappear into their bedroom for the duration of the day.

Once in the first half dozen years of our marriages, DW and I married 9mos after my brother and SIL married and 5mps after my niece was born. My brother asked how I did it. Working hellaciously long days, coming home and having to take care of the kid, cook, clean, and do it all while my wife did whatever she did every afternoon, evening, night.  I was flummoxed.  

I explained to him the concept of work time.  In our marriage work time was from when the working spouse left the house for work until the working spouse returned home.  At that time it became "our time" to care for the kid, the house, cook, clean, etc... However, work time for the SAHPartner included not only child care it included housework, laundry, household administration, etc....  My bride was a SAHM from the time we married until SS started school full time.  She was also a full time college student at night starting when SS was 3yo.  She would drop him off at a drop in day care on her way to class and I would pick him up on my way home from work 30-60mins later.  When SS and I got home it was dad/kid time, we played, I cooked dinner, we ate, I gave him his bath, and then it was time for school. I was in Grad school online so after bath time we would go into our home office/guest room where SS would study on the day bed while I was online for school.  SS had a pile of books that he "studied" intently.  I had a parrot on my shoulder, a toddler behind me and was clattering away on the computer writing papers, participating in discussion questions, etc......  By the time SS 8yo, he, the parrot, and I all had our MBA. DW completed her dual major BS the year before I finished grad school, then she went on to finish her MBA 3 years after I finished mine.  My brother and I had graduated from engineering school together and we finished our MBAs together.  

My brother was visibly emotional when I explained the Work Time/Our Time model that DW and I used.  

I am proud of him. He has kicked ass in his career. He has also raised three great kids who have all finished undergrad and have solid careers.  Only in the past 5-10 years has my brother found some level of peace in his life and marriage though even now he maintains that he has 4 children and not 3.  He considers my SIL more of a child than a full meal deal mate.

With your own children, IMHO you use SS and the BM/GF drama as a cautionary lesson while  you and your DH counter that toxicity and raise your kids in a family that does not tolerate the failures that have occurred with SS, et al.

I am not a step but I feel sick to my stomach every time you post. Your BM is pure evil.

All I can suggest is that your DH tell his son how much he loves him, how much he cares about him, how important he is to his little sister, and how much he wished that his sports took away less of his time with his dad. After that, depending on his reaction, gloves off.

'''''  DH drops rope and just lets BM do whatever she wants (since the CO allows her to anyway), ''''.  How do you come back from that ?   Maybe it s time to let SS Situation  just play out. And put your efforts into DD and your family.  SS is getting older He will have a say in what he does and how much here his DF 

'We all feel you you, you are in a no win situation.  And DH isnt helping.   Separate your money. BM will only have DH's income to go after.  You keep your money. Separate to give DD a good childhood.  Save for a family vacation to make memories.