Advice needed—shower or no shower.

Hey, all! It's been a while since I posted. Things remain where they were in that I'm pretty much disengaged with my adult SSs 30 and 29, and DH does all the gift-buying and coordinating gatherings, with dinner at a restaurant for birthdays (we pay for all) and Father's Day and Christmas Eve hosted at our lakehouse, where I try to do the minimum amount possible, realizing my own DSs are part of the mix and it's their holiday, too. This mainly applies to SS30, his wife, and 2 SGDs. We had not seen DH's other son SS29, since a year ago, last Christmas, even though we invited him numerous times throughout the year, including Easter, Father's Day, and DH's milestone birthday, where I threw him an amazing party with his family and closest friends.
Anyway, SS29 showed up for Christmas this year and brought his gf, who's pregnant and we met for the first time. They were dating when he came to Christmas last year but she didn't come with. She's painfully shy and we did our best to make her feel welcome, We also ignored the fact that, in the past year, SS29 abandoned the house that we gave him 25% down payment on and convinced our bank to finance even though SS did not have the credit rating; after abandoning it, he stopped making payments and "sold it" to BM, who recently divorced her DH #2 and has moved into it, yet again digging into DH's and my $$$. Anyway, we're not bitter about that, just glad we didn't co-sign.

The reason for my post is to ask your thoughts on whether to host a baby shower for SS29 and his gf. This will be DH's first grandson. With SS30, I hosted a shower for their second child, SGD10 (SS30 was still estranged from DH when his first child, SGD 12, was born.) This was back when I was delusional enough to think if I spent enough $ on them and treated them welll enough, they would like me. I know better now.) This most recent shower was totally my idea, NOT DH's. I thought it would be so nice to host something at our lakehouse where DH's mom and sisters (who have never met SS29's gf) could attend, and we could invite some of gf's family and meet them. Honestly, I started getting carried away planning it like it was MY grandchild, pinning inspiration pics on Pinterest with elaborate backdrops with balloon arches, custom signs and other decor, having it catered by the chef who does our client marketing events at the lake, etc. In the midst of all this wanting to host the perfect shower and have SS29 and her family like me, I realized I may be setting myself up to look like a fool and be taken advantage of again. (I sense some of you laughing! lol) No doubt, BM and her "clan" will host their own shower and be posted all over social media. Regardless of how elegant, well thought-out, or expensive my shower is, there will be no pics on social media. (Unless I post them, of course!) On the other hand, I know MIL and DH's sisters would love to meet SS29's gf and attend. (No chance of SS29 going to MIL's house, which is several hours from them. ) And if I'm hosting the shower, it's not in my nature to do it half-@ss. Soooo, Should I put my own concerns aside and go ahead and do the nice thing and host a shower or just forget to about it and send a nice gift (or cash) when the baby is born? I will note, I don't expect we will be any more involved in this baby's life than we are SGDs, as this baby will have both smothering BM's clan and SS29 gf's family vying for time, which leaves almost no time for us.

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No, I don't think you should host a shower.

No, I don't think you should host a shower. You will be taken advantage of again. SS29 has done nothing to show that his feelings towards you and DH have changed. If his girlfriend is a shy as they claim she is, she may not even want a large shower. I think you would be setting yourself up for disapointment.

Thanks for your thoughts. You

Thanks for your thoughts. You make a good point that the gf may not even want a shower. I was going to ask them before I started planning in earnest, but they may feel they can't say no even if they'd rather not. It would be a lot of time and work for people who may not even want a shower, at least not from me.

I Vote No

I'm jaded though. Every thing I did good for DHs kids has been for nothing. No thanks and even had a few events that were then used against me.

Your heart is in the right place and I feel sad for your DH and family but remember.......

No good deed goes unpunished in StepHell.

No good deed goes unpunished

No good deed goes unpunished in StepHell.

Oh, don't I know how true that is! Speaking of DH's family, I would not be surprised if mettling MIL suggests to me that I host them a shower. (After all, before Christmas, MIL told me that DH and I should get them a few outfits for the baby for Christmas, when I told her that had already been done!)

I wouldn't do it

You know things will backfire some way if you host a shower. If you're invited to another, go, take a nice gift and be pleasant tho BM will be queen bee. Otherwise, send the gift or cash when the baby is born.

A step shower story: SD63's daughter, M, was getting married and I was invited to the shower. I'm the grandma figure now that BM is dead. SD63 is divorced from M's dad after putting him thru hell with her infidelities and embezzlement. His mother and sisters were there, too. We were all seated together and the icy stares they gave SD63 would have frozen anybody else tho she seemed oblivious. It was apparent they hated her for what she put him thru. I tried making nice and did my best but it's not easy being part of SD63's camp. Lol.

Oh wow! That must have been

Oh wow! That must have been uncomfortable. These gatherings always shine a light on dysfunction. And while I'm sure BM will have a shower for them, I'm absolutely certain we will not be invited. She wouldn't want us there any more than we wouldn't want to be there, so I guess I'm thankful for that. lol.

Don't do it.

Probably so, so wise.

No, no, and no

This was back when I was delusional enough to think if I spent enough $ on them and treated them welll enough, they would like me. I know better now.) ???
This most recent shower was totally my idea, NOT DH's. I thought it would be so nice to host something at our lakehouse where DH's mom and sisters (who have never met SS29's gf) could attend, and we could invite some of gf's family and meet them. Honestly, I started getting carried away planning it like it was MY grandchild, *stop* pinning inspiration pics on Pinterest with elaborate backdrops with balloon arches, custom signs and other decor, having it catered by the chef who does our client marketing events at the lake, etc. In the midst of all this wanting to host the perfect shower and have SS29 and her family like me, I realized I may be setting myself up to look like a fool and be taken advantage of again.

This isn't your grandchild. You don't even know the bio-mom. And look at the history of your skid relations. As I was told in here in the kindest way possible when I was considering helping out a SGD (and I referred to this recently): You are suffering a moment of temporary insanity. lol. And you know it or you wouldn't have posted this in here. Pull yourself together! And remember: What you permit, you promote. . . and what you promote will bite you. After a while in these situations, we know we are setting ourselves up for more hurt.

When we start playing the game of, "I'll get them to like me," that's all it is: a game. It's like being around one of my brother's dogs, who is a biting bitch. When people approach her and try to pet her or even get near her, she snarls and snaps. So, I ignore the little ahole. Then guess what? She's like, "Damn, that person doesn't like me" and starts approaching me to be friends. This is a great tactic with questionable people as well. They will either approach you or they won't.

Remember: The force of toxic BMs and skids is strong. Take care of your kind heart and place your kindness on people who you already know DESERVE it.

You are so right. This is not

You are so right. This is not my grand child. I learned that the hard way with DH's 2 granddaughters. I know you're right that I'd be setting myself up for more hurt and rejection. I think I just needed the reminder.

Solid advice, Mia!

Also enjoyed your anecdote about the snappish dog; I've always suggested that one manage one's steps as if they were cats. Let them come to you as they will respect you more if you don't grovel.

I'm more a grasp them at the

I'm more a grasp them at the scruff of the neck, scrub their nose in the stench that they perpetrate, swat them on the rump ending with a scolding/learning message on getting their shit together and extricating their head from their own butt .

Lather, rinse, repeat .... kinda guy.

Damned straight don't grovel. Ever. Certainly recognize any mistakes that we make, but never grovel.

Of course this applies only to feral spawn. Not pets. And figuratively of course.

Don’t do it

Not to have BM run the show at your house. BM has a perfect new home to host a shower

Lol. BM definitely would not

Lol. BM definitely would not be there. I'm sure she will host something where she will be the queen bee, however. lol. From what I can tell from social media, SS29's gf seems close to her own mother (they moved closer to gf's mom when they abandoned SS29's house) so there will be enough competition between the "real" grandmothers without me entering the fray. lol.

Good one, Harry! HAHAHAHAHAHA

Good one, Harry! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

This is just a thought but ...

Have you considered that the gf (that you have now met twice) maybe isn't as painfully shy but has been drilled about you and your husband and doesn't know how to deal with the situation?

Now, give your head a wobble and ask yourself why you would host a shower for a couple that you have only seen twice in the last 13-14 months and who only turned up when there was something in it (gifts) for them. Do you think he'd choose someone entirely different from the user that he is?

Your theory is very possible.

Your theory is very possible. I did see that gf posted on social media once about Father's Day being triggering for her because her mom had to be both mother and father, so she may also be conditioned to think negatively about DH/me. And I've only met her the one time. I tried very hard to make her feel welcome but I realize as the SM I'm starting from less than square one.

One thing that is worse than blended family failed family

One thing that is worse than blended family failed family baggage is add on baggage with baggage.

SS's GF with daddy issues and mommy worship problems is far from a viable life partner for anyone. Unfortunatley your SS is her current chosen partner victim and he is too clueless to recognize it. Sadly, their kid is bringing two very questionable shallow and polluted gene pools together. GF's daddy issue mommy worshipping crap and BM's part of SS's gene pool. That kid is predestined to be FUBAR in all likelihood. With two parents with major failed family baggage that they embrace rather than resolve.

Don't know why you would even

Don't know why you would even entertain the idea.

I know!! I guess I'm a decent

I know!! I guess I'm a decent person who would like to do something nice for them and create an opportunity for DH's mom to meet the gf. But I realize how I'm setting myself up for disappointment.

Yes, you are a decent person

Yes, you are a decent person (more than decent, actually) but seriously, there is a limit. There is a line (called, insanity) that does not need to be crossed. You have bent over backwards, again and again for these people, only to get kicked in the face. Enough, already. It's time to stop.

I know you're right. I plan

I know you're right. I plan to stand down on this one!

If you want DH's Mom to meet the girlfriend,

If you want DH's Mom to meet the girlfriend, either have everyone over to dinner or take everyone out. There is no need to host a party in order for them to meet.

Not something that I subscribe to, but lower your expectation so

Not something that I subscribe to, but lower your expectation so you won't be disappointed is a consideration for some.

Not me. I am more aligned with maintain high expectations, clearly stipulate the standards of behavior and standards of performance, enforce those without exception or tolerance for any deviation from those standards.

Why we entertain these ideas

It seems like everyone is in agreement that you shouldn't host the shower. I think you and many of us entertain ideas like nice showers, carefully cooked dinners, darling baby clothes because they are so fun to do. In other words, it gives us pleasure to do this creative thing. Many of us could not afford to do these things in the past but now we can. Of course, our fantasy often collides with the reality that the recipient doesn't want or appreciate the event or object.

This insight came to me in a childrens' resale shop when I saw rack after rack of barely or unworn fancy preemie clothes. In reality, nobody is going to dress up a preemie and take it out, they're going to put the jamies on it and keep it warm. All those darling things were bought by doting relatives who hugely enjoyed picking them out.

You're just normal wanting to plan a pretty shower (and the Internet gives thousands of ideas) but you'd end up being disappointed.

"Fantasy collides with

"Fantasy collides with reality." Spoken like a true SM who understands! Yes, I enjoy hosting and decorating, and especially the planning. (It's a great stress relief from all the stress of my work.) And it seemed to me like it would be a nice thing for me to do for DH's family, who still keep reaching out to SS29 although he can't be bothered with them. (In fact, after SS29 married his ex, the ex's family hosted a wedding reception (they eloped) and DH and I were the only ones in DH's family invited, not his mother or any siblings, all of whom have been good to both SSs all their lives. Of course, BM and her parents were there.) It's just a sad reality that DH is not even considered real family.

Or is it escaping into more work?

Not an unusual thing for people who are immersed in the drama of blended family tension 24/7. Even when the SKids are with the opposition parent, even when the the opposition has been chased under their slime covered rock at the bottom of their shallow and polluted gene pool the stress is present and the next phase of drama is looming. When we were in phases of drama I worked insane hours just to stay away from it as much as possible and so I could focus on doing something I could control and have nearly full capability of resolving.

Something that is rare in the blended family world.

Take care of you. Let SS and his GF figure things out for themselves. Dad's don't host baby showers generally so IMHO StepMom's should not chase their SKids begging for some kind of gratitude. If the kids actually earn that level of relationship via reasonable respectful behavior towards the SParent, that is something entirely different than the SParent begging for some token of connection with a toxic SKid.

IMHO of course.

Very good point that dad's

Very good point that dad's don't normally host baby showers, and I'm an extension of dad, so I should forget about it and move on. It does look like I'm trying too hard.

Do it if you merely want a

Do it if you merely want a nice gathering and to be giving .... if you're expecting something in return (indefinite amounts of respect, obedience, accolades etc) then no don't do it you'll probably be disappointed

Thank you. The bar is

Thank you. The bar is already pretty low in regards to both SSs. I'm not sure I would be "expecting" anything in return, other than not being shunned on social media as though the event didn't happen. But the more I think about it, I see myself looking pretty darn silly for hosting a shower like I'm its "grandmother" who will be a part of their baby's life when, chances are, we'll only see him once a year, if that.

No.

This is just your old pattern of people pleasing kicking in.

A huge part of disengaging is working on ourselves - changing our thinking and controlling our impulses. You're kneejerking and trying to rationalize it. Change is a process and backsliding happens, but please recognize it and correct the impulse.

Thank you! You've been an

Thank you! You've been an integral part of my progress over the years, and I really appreciate your straight talk. I know you're right that this is a "knee jerk" of my very old pattern with this crew of people-pleasing only to be disrespected.I'm going to put it out of my mind and move on!

Echoing all the really good

Echoing all the really good answers of "no!"

Also, am i to understand that you guys gave this kid 25% of the value of a house, only for BM to buy it and live there? Where is SS living? Did he just pocket that money or did he sell it to BM at a reduced price and she basically pocketed it? I would say that if you want to get something for the baby or even the gf, do that, but don't throw a big to do. It won't go well. There will probably end up being some drama about the guest list or the food or something ridiculous that will end up being your fault.

Yes, we gave SS29 25% of the

Yes, we gave SS29 25% of the purchase price of the home. And we have no idea what the arrangement is with BM. We only learned about the "sale" to BM from SS30, who I don't think is aware we gave his brother that money. SS30 just told us that SS29 had moved out of that house and sold it to BM, who had been making the payments on it anyway, and she was moving in. Our best guess is that SS29 just let BM move in and take over the payments without a deed transfer. Unfortunately, that county's real estate transfers are not online, so we can't check without going to the courthouse there. And, funny as it sounds, we did not mention this to SS29 when we saw him over Christmas, even though in conversation he made reference to him and his gf living in another town (where gf's mom lives) over an hour away from that house. There was no mention of what happened to SS29's house. I'm sure DH didn't want any uncomfortable moments at Christmas. Fortunately, SS29 got a very good deal on that house and it was a true "starter" home, so DH just said that $ was a gift to SS29 that avoided us having to co-sign. This is just more evidence of all the dysfunction, as I can't imagine this happening with our bios and we just feign ignorance and ask no questions so as to avoid making them uncomfortable.

NO, no nonononono.

After the preface you wrote, absolutely this should NOT even cross your mind. You do nice things for people who treat you well and who involve you in their life (and vice versa). Like all the others: NO.

Thank you, Cover. Writing

Thank you, Cover. Writing this out helped me see how silly this sounds, and the responses have confirmed that.

Bad idea.

I'd say if there was no BM like she died when children were young, then maybe it would be ok. But if she's alive and well, I am not sure why you want to host showers? And this girl have a mother as well. So two moms might want to host it. You don't know the girl. Met once. It's all going to be awkward

Now most certainly it's appropriate for you buy them a nice gift etc but hosting showers? No

honestly in my family and overall culture baby showers aren't a thing, but if they were, I'd be taken aback if SM hosted separate shower for DD. It would be very strange and we get along and know each other for many years.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Thank you for your thoughts. And yes, BM is alive and is quite possessive and jealous of any small amount of time we spend with SKs or anything we do. I dropped rope and stopped trying to compete long ago and I realize this idea of the shower is just me backsliding and is not a good idea. I'm putting it out of my mind.

I agree with No.

With that said, my pity would be with the painfully shy GF that is now pregnant with the spawn of SS. If I wanted to do something kind, my focus would be on supporting her. Maybe give her a gift card for an activity she enjoys, a clothing store she likes, or door dash to deliver a couple of meals after the baby is born. Poor young lady is implanted with SS's kid and tied to him forever. My deepest condolences to her.