Low contact is a two-fold blessing!
I haven't had anything to do with my skids for 7 weeks and it turns out that if I don't make any effort then nothing happens! I think my DH has text his son a couple of times, not sure if he replied... I am loving the peace and quiet. I'm also not feeling one bit guilty - and that's what I've come to tell you lovely people as I think in the outside world this would induce a horrified gasp!
I no longer feel any compunction to suggest he invites his adult 'children' over - I certainly wouldn't stop him (but I would probably be busy!) So the other blessing is that we aren't sat with sullen, rude people that show no interest in us at all. We've both seen my girls and had a great time cheering on our hockey player during a match...and having conversations where we are actually asked how we're doing.
I would say the only down side is that my DH is left out in the cold by his kids but I can no longer assume any feelings for that - they are his and his alone. If he wants to talk about his kids then I will listen, I'm still his partner, but I don't instigate any discussion and I don't put myself in the line of fire x
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Key words: *his* adult
Key words: *his* adult children. Not your responsibility! No point in trying to force their relationship. Good plan.
ETA i just looked at your old blog and this is the adult daughter who lives with BM down the street but was coming over to your house while you were at work "to bake", and secretly having BM over to your house. Yeah, fk all that.
Thank you
It was the responses to my other post that gave me the fortitude to do this, you can only be responsible for yourself is something I have said to my kids over again, it's time I lived by it!
You can not be the social queen .
Don't feel guilty that DH kids show no interest in you, and him. That's up to him to develop that relationship over the past years. You don't have to be the one to set up visits m cook clean so they come over for a free meal. and some ATMing. Enjoy your kids and GK.
Absolutely, good for you. You
Absolutely, good for you. You are not responsible for their relationship, or lack thereof.
That realization gave me great peace.
Little to NO contact has
Little to NO contact has definitely turned out to be viewed as a blessing for me. Not one in disguise to be exact
It had taken some time to get to this stage when you feel less guilty over feeling like you as the SM has to be the glue that holds the relationship between DH and SD together. Not my job anymore especially since she is almost 30 ! I got to tell you that it feels so Freeing when you stop taking on the emotions and responsibilities of others in this whole situation Like with most Sparents, .I felt Obliged to do that for way much longer than I should have. Felt like I was just spinning my wheels going nowhere except to a less than stellar place mentally and emotionally. It became way too draining to keep trying to Force something that was beyond my control all along and a waste of time. I refuse to go back to that place, since I feel like I have come too far to regain my peace.
I always felt this way too as
I always felt this way too as if I was somehow forced into some role to hold all these high conflict people together somehow and the realization that I don't need to solve their problems or be some glue holding them all together to fix them is a good one. They can manage their own relationship on their terms.
I went no contact with my SS
I went no contact with my SS and his wife and talk about peaceful! It has been so much more peaceful not dealing with the two liars.
Yes!
This makes good sense! I am happy for you that you have arrived at this conclusion.
I do not suggest anything with SKIDS; if I have to be in YSD's presence, I will be cordial and polite. That is it. I do not care for their presence in my life; this is 100% due to their actions. As another posted, I am not going to force anything...even for my DH whom I love very much.
Exactly right. AT this point,
Exactly right. AT this point, its not about not caring about Dh;s feelings. I care alot, which is why I felt like I had to be a trooper for so long with his SD and be so tolerant no matter what. But I cant even take on that anymore. I am tapped out. The most I can ( barely) do is to be polite and civil when I cant avoid being around SD29, but its the most that can be expected at the barest minimum.
Lets face it. I have been at this point in my life when its time I just unapologetically need to do whats best for Me without owing some people ( namely in StepWorld) an explanation. Im sure in your case too, that whenever the tables are turned, these same people we have been worrying about appeasing, always just do what is best for THEM anyway since they are just out for themselves first. .You get sick and tired of having to feel Guilty or ashamed because I am choosing to live my best life over SD , exactly like SD has chosen to do herself over Me. Even so, the irony is that now she is the one who is all offended about me doing so. Acting all pouty and indignant about it failing to understand. But I have also been at the point where I dont care who understands or not,ike I used to worry about so much. . Its just of no use. .
Adult step kids Bah humbug.
You just get to a point where you don't even care if they have a relationship with you. My stepson lives out of state, but has come to our state to hunt for the last four years and doesn't even come down to see His dad. He called him three days ago and said that he will let him know when he's at the airport and my husband can come see him before the plane takes off. I hope my husband sticks with what he said he was going to say, which is I'll visit with you when I'm important enough to come down to my house.
Bah humbug! Definitely
Bah humbug! Definitely applies and its my attitude too. Since I have been so indifferent about whether or not I have a relationship with SD, no matter how much she tries to play nice like she was never the one who had been that way towards me for most of the past 17 years that I have known here. Sure, there were some good times, but the fact is that those are far out numbered by the negative, stressful times. There been too much hot and cold signals coming from her which is too confusing for me to figure out so I bowed out of trying. Now she actually acts shocked to know that I feel about her the way that I do. Its like its never occurs to these adult skids that they can wear out their welcome with Stepparents because they expect SM will always be around to pick up ,even though SM has been treated like shit. Just expected to sweep the pieces under the rug just on the merit that we are with their dad. They just cant accept that you cant have it both ways!
Indifference reflected back on them...
it's like having a protective mirror!
My "helping" was really interference.
I knew when I stopped being the cruise director for my DH that his relationships with skids and in-laws might fall apart. Hell, probably would. Still, removing myself from the equation created space for him and his people to recalibrate. That they chose not to is on them, not me.
I realized I had to do what was best for me because nobody else would. The pretending, inauthenticity, and ignoring bad behavior was soul sapping BEFORE I woke up, and it was morally wrong to continue participating in it after. Most of the poo was due to toxic culture and generational trauma - old, deep, and not mine.
Letting go of what I thought I had was scary but ultimately freeing and empowering. As for DH and his relations, everyone is an adult, free to reach out and work on improving their relationships. Not my business.
Damn right its not our
Damn right its not our business! Its astounding how these people expect us as outsiders to be able to just magicallly erase all this dysfunction that has been passed on from one generation to the next. It continues because these folks cant stop using those generational curses as perpetual excuses, which I am not longer entertaining. NO way am I making that my problem. We are dealing with people who never have known of anything much else, wouldnt know any sense of decency or normalcy if it slapped them in the head. Yet they get offended when an outsider, the SM, cant make that all go away. Its an impossible task. I am also sick of SD and any players involved who might be walking around with their faces hanging down because I also had the same epiphany as you did that trying to be helpful was doing more harm than good. These are all grown ass people too so they can work it out or not, These are people who have disprected us so much, yet act so shocked when you decide you dont want to Eff with them anymore. They just play dumb, yet I know they are aware of what they have done and are still doing.
Yes!
You are right, we have to do the best thing for ourselves. And our relationships. Aside from DH, I honestly feel that nobody in his family is concerned with how I feel about anything. They want to criticize me for setting boundaries, but are they the recipients of abuse and disrespect like I am? No, they are not. So how can they possibly understand what we are going through as a couple? I get that they don't care about me, but I wonder if they realize their stance indicates lack of care for their own 'family'?
Why do you care a whit about what they think or care about?
I get that ladies tend to see things far differently that men tend to. However, not giving a flying rat's ass about toxic people makes things far less emotionially difficult than caring one whit. I care, I just have the ability to write off toxic people because they are toxic, regardless of who they may be otherwise. A self preservation technique honed over my life and experiences.
Your personal journey and challenges are part of what make you, you. The you that your DH has chosen to make a life with. Just as his journey and challenges are what make him, him. The him that you chose to make a life with.
Do not give them any power even of opinion, or space in your head while you cogitate on what they don't know, or choose to not recognize. Their demonizing you for setting and enforcing boundaries proves tha they have earned feeling the consequences if they violate those boundaries.
They do not know about what you and your SO are to each other or care. They also do not care that either of you are family. Which again highlights that they are a write off and should not be considered or tolerated other than to tolerate their presence when they are behaving appropriately and respectfully. When they are not, smack them with the consequences for violating your boundaries and for violating basic and universal standards of reasonable behavior.
Take care of you.
Oh goodness!
This is all true! I truly want to be unbothered and am getting closer to that destination. I honestly do not know why it is so hard for me to get there because all you say is true and I KNOW IT! I am going to change those words....I do know...I do it for my husband. It is important to him. I can honestly say I have tried...I tried hard. They are not my people, it is not them I try for. I try for DH. That said, I can only try so much. I need to let their opinions not matter. In my head they do not. In my heart they do. Though, like I said, I am moving closer towards unbothered. It's a process.
Also, I know they are missing out. I am kind, loyal, and loving. I am generally good on discerning who is worthy of expending my energy on (those who choose me too) but felt the need to go the extra mile in this case.
Thank you for your words of truth, Rags...I needed that.
Your DH tolerates this from his family?
I would kick it up a notch. Not just ignore their opinions, but when they overstep have a script of trite comments to immediately roll out.
You know what they say about opinions.
You have the right to your opinion but there is no right for anyone to listen or care.
Thanks for your input. Just don't expect it to be valued or considered.
Hmm, more useless unsolicited advice.
Sounds like you learned from experience. Tell me about that.
Sorry, I wasn't listening.
You aren’t as bossy and people say you are. You’re just, aggressively helpful.
Thank you so much for that advice. (Appropriately drippy sweet voice)
Etc .....
And the ever meaningful...... Bless your heart!
Yes!
I absolutely love "Bless your heart!"