Vacation coming to an end
SO and I have been on vacation for a week and it has been pretty great. Only a few hiccups in the beginning because he insisted SD pet sit and she was having some issues . Well yes because we need a professional who cares about the pets to watch them. But it didn't take up too much of our time and SO was upset with how SD was handling it but I told him there is nothing we can do at this point. But now we will be heading back to reality where I am sure he will start on me again about going to all of his kids things. Vacation doesn't change you , you are just removed from the everyday issues for a short time. I will be deciding if I need to move out or not. I want my SO the way it was with no kids or ex to pressure him and I know that will never be. And what is sad he has it in him to be the guy I want.
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This is some of the problem
This is some of the problem that I see with a lot of people.. they have qualities we like.. .we like that they will go out of their way for us.. BUT.. when they do "similar" for other people.. we are not so excited about it.
My DH can be a bit of a pushover.. for me.. great.. isn't it nice that I get my way? Isn't it nice that he spoils me and can put my needs ahead of his own? Yes.. sure.
BUT.... it means he also was, in my eyes, soft on his kids.. gave in to BM to keep the peace.. did more drives.. and we are talking 2-4 hour each way drives when the kids were kids.
The same things I liked about him treating me.. well.. meant other people could walk over him too..
You can't view him as "he could be the guy I want him to be".. because his kids and his baggage are not able to be fixed... or separated.. he will NEVER turn his back on his kids.. he just won't. So.. you have to make your decision knowing THAT.
I agree with ESMOD
The qualities I love in DH are also the qualities that cause issues: loyalty, kindness, generosity, family-oriented. What tipped the scales for me was that he showed (and lived) these qualities for my 2 bio kids, still does.
Now that BM is dead, that's one less person to mooch off him. We are down to one, SD, but he will never abandon her. That's who he is and I accept that now.
For you, the benefits
For you, the benefits outweighed the annoyances. Money leaves your household to support a geriatric SD, but not so much that you are lacking in anything you need. If you were, say, having to work multiple jobs to keep a roof over your head while SD lounged and complained, that would be something else.
How true
I wouldnt lift another finger for her.
Agreed
The helpfulness I get is also the helpfulness everyone else on the planet gets too.
I agree somewhat about the
I agree somewhat about the helpfulness thing but the way OP's partner spoils and caters to his kids is way more pronounced then just simply being there as a good parent for them and wanting to spend time with them etc .. It's completely overboard and berserk... Which is the problem. Not just a "bit" of spoiling here and there..
I can be loving and romantic and helpful to my spouse, and also kind and caring to my kids but also have boundaries and rules in place for my kids and I discipline them as required and have them to work around the house..
Yeah, it's when the partner
Yeah, it's when the partner "saves" their good qualities for their kids/ex, that problems occur. If they are "nice" to me and also "nice" to kids and ex, i at least want to benefit from the "niceness" as much as everyone else, if not more. An example is generosity with money. If they spend it all on kids and ex, there's none left. Time is the same way. There's only so much to go around.
Yes I want him to be nice to
Yes I want him to be nice to his kids and not cause arguments with his ex, but at what point does SO stop going overboard and do just what he needs to, until they learn to treat him with respect. I guess I might be rude but I think since I am the only person who cares for him maybe I should be getting better treatment from him then the kids get. They give zero back to him. No love , no kindness, nothing.
You should be getting better
You should be getting better treatment from him. You're right. He does all this stuff for them and they don't appreciate it or respect him.
This is a deep topic. I
This is a deep topic. I think that problems arrise when the person we choose who is kind, generally a solid partner, etc... often will have the confidence and spine to push back on us when they are ball-less, without testicular fortitude, and without spine with an X and with ill behaved prior relationship children of their own. They like the well behaved solidly parented kids that their new mate brings to the table and yet are seemingly blind to the shit they bring to the new relationship as toxic failed family baggage.
This is not an uncommon situation on STalk. There are multiple STalkers whose partner has a good relationship wth the STalker'd kids yet their own kids are shit spawn from hell and their X is a demon that the STalker's mate has no ability to keep away from infesting the new partnership.
Those that are good with their own step kids and new mate often is because their their mate holds their own children to behavioral and performance standards that make their kids a pleasure for the SParent mate while that mate lets their own X and spawn run amok. The quality mate also keeps any Xs that they may have in their place.
The coward mates have spine with the people they do not need to posture with, and sniff the asses of those they should be keeping in their place.
I mean we all understand that our SO had kids
It's cost money to raise kids. That we would be taking on paying for there kids somehow. We just hope to be a family. First mistake. Kids gave two parents you are not one of them. They do not need or want another parent telling them things.
'You must fit into the mix somehow. Every one is different. Adult vacation alone is a good first step.
Weekends get a ways are good. Like one every other month. Go some where on a Saturday have a nice dinner spend the night alone. You have to work on time alone. Normal intact family's don't need to do this.. but SF do. So it's different in many eyes Go to shows, concerts, fairs, joint a hiking club. That's cheep.
And what is sad he has it in
And what is sad he has it in him to be the guy I want.
But he doesn't know how to balance that with real life, the kids, and his ex. Or he just won't do it. That's the problem.
"And what is sad he has it in
"And what is sad he has it in him to be the guy I want."
I think that's a trap a lot of us fall into. You see this guy doting on his kids and think "Wow, what an amaaazing dad! I bet he will be that attentive to me if we get together, too!" Often that's not the case, though. It may be that they aren't such amazing dads, either. You saw what they wanted you to see.