custody of SD
The (still not so) short version? BM has no control over her children, never has, so when she does try and put her foot down they're tantruming. Recently SD has been hurting SS and her step siblings, lying, stealing and apparently(i say apparently because i don't know how true anything out of this woman's mouth is) hurting BM's new baby (stepping on her hands, throwing herself onto/into baby's direction when tantruming), breaking things...the list goes on.
the problem is primarily SD's behaviour, not SS, and both are incredible kids when not egged on by the others behaviour. The same is in our household (though behaviour not as extreme), when separated they cannot be faulted.
BM wants my partner to come round and intervene like he used to. He stopped because while it was working in the moment, the next day they were back to their usual ways and he was getting called to come round Again. It wasn’t helping. Even having chats with them here and telling them their good behaviour will be rewarded isn’t helping her. Nothing he does is enforcing anything in that house hold.
We’ve discussed separating SD and having her live with us full time and SD with BM (we are currently 50/50) and just doing weekends. But that means SD and SS only see each other at the weekend. BM said she wants to give SD until the end of the year to sort her act out—but nothing is changing.
I’m BM’s point of contact since my partner blocked her to save the daily arguments and pointless phone calls, and today has been a bombardment of videos and messages of SD’s behaviour. my partner is saying he’ll take her by the end of september if nothing has changed. I have no issues with it, I’m just wondering what other people’s actions would be in this type of situation? Are we right to take her? Do we give her until the end of the year? Or is it better to leave her there and force BM’s hand at gaining control?
If you were to take SD full
If you were to take SD full time, would it change any child support obligations?
Both of your SK's are very young.. and her actions as a 5 year old are not as out of the realm of expectation as they would be if she was 12.
That being said, hurting your siblings should be taught to be unacceptable.. and her mother should be better managing her access and proximity to her baby if she is going out of control.
You say you see some shades of this behavior at your home.. but not as bad.
If you want an honest opinion.. I think if your DH did get full custody now.. he might have a real chance at having more full control over her and perhaps he could nip and redirect her behavior.. before it gets ingrained (assuming you believe it's mom's house)
You say the two kids do better separated.. so perhaps not seeing each other full time wouldn't be the worst thing for them either.
There is no CO between them,
There is no CO between them, everything has been arranged themselves so i’m not sure how that would go… My partner currently pays CS for both. Though I have said my only condition with taking on SD full time is that we go through the courts and have everything (times, days, contact, money) on paper as BM has a knack for conveniently forgetting agreements when they don’t directly benefit her.
I agree, and 80% of the time BM is complaining over them just being kids (not listening, back chat and pushing boundaries). I once got spam called because SD was refusing to put her coat on before school…
I won’t say the kids behaviour is perfect when they’re with us—but they’re nothing like they are for BM. And if the parts about SD hurting the baby are true, she’s never once done anything to harm our 8 month old.
I had my DH's ex call and
I had my DH's ex call and want to talk to me once.. why did the girls behave so well with us.. when they were "horrible" with her..
Unfortunately, over the years.. it has become pretty clear that their mom is just a difficult person.. she can be yelling at them one minute.. then promising them a shoppign spree the next... even as adults.. she can be pretty difficult for them to deal with.
My YSD was an adult and on a little day trip with her dad and I.. her mom calls.. figures out she is with us and tells her "you must love them more than me." then blocked her phone. what kind of normal adult mother does that. now that my YSD is older.. her mom will call and basically "trauma dump" all the crap she has going on in her life.. I know that both her daughters have probably helped her from time to time.. but she has a chaotic personality and life.. to put it mildly.
We just didn't have problems with the girls because we were more consistent in our approach and expectations. I mean.. no kids aren't perfect.. but the number of what I would consider major problems were very few and far between.. Though I never could break them of the leaving half drunk drinks all over.. haha.
I agree with you on the getting things "in writing".. having an official order will be so much better for everyone. I might even suggest that if he has one child full time and she the other.. that ZERO child support would be needed.
Now.. kids that age siblings.. fussing and tussling..yep.. it happens.. my younger bro and I were only 18 mo apart.. and due to my dad being military.. we were often our only friends.. playmates and adversaries.. haha.
I'm sure that some of the nose out of joint is due to attention the new baby is getting.. and I am sure you can comiserate with BM over the pull of the older kids when you have a baby to care for.
But.. it might not be a bad thing to have more impact over the girl.. and her being raised in a calmer household could give her a better start and give her mom a break.
But.. you know how it will work.. will your DH step up and do more since his daughter is there FT? or will he push it all on you..
I can see advantages.. if you are able to have more influence.. you may get better results.. but it will certainly be more work.
If your husband is consistent
If your husband is consistent with discipline then certainly he could take her to live with you two and SD would improve, but if BM doesn't reinforce that then she will still have problems. It may not be as bad but if she's hoping for a magical cure it's not going to happen. BM here sent SS to live with us because she couldn't handle him. He wouldn't listen, he'd hit her, etc at eight years old. His behavior did improve greatly, but she still had issues with him. She called one night because he was acting up and had even thrown food. She wanted DH to straighten him out over the phone. I did ask her what she was doing when he did those things. She didn't do anything, she was afraid she'd hurt him or something, I don't know. He did talk to him and I think he told him to clean up the mess and behave. You can't be afraid to correct your kids. Discipline has to be consistent at both homes or it won't work. She'll behave at your home if your husband is disciplining but BM is going to have to step up and parent her kids.