Big argument
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H confirms with me his daughter is coming day before his birthday and will stay 4 days. When I expressed being unhappy about it got told he was tired of me playing the victim card and I need to keep reaching out. His daughter told he she thought I sounded edgy at times in the background?? I let it alllllll out. My anger at her being told all my med info. He laughed and said I was again being the victim. I should stop putting up walls. We are not in a good place. I told him he never expresses any understanding. I told him I am tired of it alll. I really am. So his D will come. I cancelled the reservations. How crazy to want to celebrate someone's birthday who obviously doesn't give a crap. So I stuff it down.
You are an adult, SD is an
You are an adult, SD is an adult. You are under no obligation to "reach out." She could reach out, too.
Maybe tell him it's best he and his DD spend the time alone. Tell him they can have some special daddy/daughter time, and you and he can celebrate after the visit. Chances are, after 4 days he will have his fill. These guys think they want to be around their kids until they actually are.
Seriously, though. 2 adults (you and SD) do not need to force togetherness. That's the one good thing about skids being adults. You can stop pretending. When SO's daughter behaved horribly on a vacation several years back, afterward i couldn't be around her. I totally get it. Your DH is delusional. The one big happy family thing doesn't work if all parties aren't in agreement and trying. You tried for years. If she's not staying in a hotel, he needs to do all the physical and emotional labor that you used to do.
Yes
We are adults. His kids have never ever accepted me. H has never ever called them on it. He's too busy kissing their backsides. I reached a certain age where I'm tired of the pretending and making nice with strangers who waltz in every year or so. All I want is H to acknowledge it. But I get told how dare you stop. How dare I stop trying to get his kids to accept me? If he had stood up to them years ago we might have been in a diffferent place. We are speaking tonight. I cancelled reservations. H and her can make all the plans. I will be kind and civil as I always am but all the red carpet stuff is no more.
Gotta love this
So H is planning on taking them out to dinner the night they arrive. At some fancy place. I said that I am going to be going to be going to the pool that day and I will opt out. I said that his D and I are both adults and let them enjoy their visit with some alone time. I have not spoken with her in a year unlike his numerous daily missives with her. Why pretend anymore? So he says he is shocked I am NOT going because I complain that we never go anywhere. (OUCH. BIG OUCH.). Does he not get it? I spend so much time alone while he is workaholic. I guess he touched a nerve with me. He never plans anything for us to do together, and as I am rather frugal as is he, we stay home and I cook. Maybe I should go? This whole visit is gonna be so tough for me. I honestly am ok with just being in the background and letting them spend time together. In some ways he should be grateful.
Up to you, but i hope he
Up to you, but i hope he doesn't think that going out with SD checks the box of you guys going somewhere together.
You don't want to think that
You don't want to think that you only do fun things when SD comes to town. I would leave them to it. In fact he should plan something fun for the two of you after she leaves. Time for new rules between the two of you.
He betrayed your privacy. He
He betrayed your privacy. He puts her need (or his need) to know over your right to privacy. It's as if he has a mistress and is laughing at you, gaslighting you to keep eating the shit sandwich he keeps serving.
I honestly don't know how you've put up with it for so long. Nothing changes with your story. It doesn't evolve to get better. You can't change him but you can change what you do.
A lot of the "DH"s on this
A lot of the "DH"s on this site are the common denominator in their string of failed relationships.
A lot of the "DH"s on this
100%
Their delusions of grandeur are out of this world and unfortunately a common theme
Delusions of grandeur
"Their delusions of grandeur are out of this world and unfortunately a common theme."
Well said! My exF thought his two daugthers and my daughter would all be a happy Brady Bunch family regardless of the manipulative BM and documented mental illness/psych ward holds of his daughters. I grew to resent the daughters but now see that ultimately he was, and still is, the common denominator. Sure, his daughters are manipulative, as well and acting as BM's minions, but he still had all of the power to handle it. He actually told me once that it is easier to upset me than them or BM. Hmm.... (Not trying to hijack the thread, but wanted to agree with Lilly on the delusions of grandeur!)
You’re right.
I won't tell him anything about my health until he sees the insurance bills. Honestly I don't even like him at this point. But to break up things now. At my age? Im not going to do that. So I stuff it down. I did it with my first marriage until I couldn't take it. Now? I think I should have stayed. It would have been better for my kids.
But to break up things now.
You really over estimate men ....
Girl as long as you have a pulse .... these men are attracted
Youre never "too old" to attract good quality men. IMO
Sadly and embarrassingly, as
Sadly and embarrassingly, as a man, far too many of us are unworthy. Though there are enough of us of quality that you are so right. It is never too late nor is it rare to find a good qualty man. Living well is the path to a quality mate. We want a quality woman to make a life with no less than a quality woman wants to make a life with a quality man. The problem is sanding through any facade in place and finding the core to determine reality regarding the quality. A polished turd often can look as good as a truely pristine classic. This applies equally to both men and women.
Never discount one's self and settle for less than a true classic of quality. Even a young'un when of quality will be a classic. Finding the quality whether a newer modle or a classic is the challenge.
Take care of you and the one, of quality, will show up when least expected.
At least in my experience this has been the case. I am a retread husband. I learned from my marital mistake. Fortunately I did not sully my gene pool with my low quality XW, nor did I repeat that poor choice following the divorce. My DW learned and though she was a single teen mom, she never discounted herself to keep her youthful poor choice in her life, or to repeat that mistake with a further low quality person.
I am incredibly blessed to have found her and I work my tail bone off to be and remain a man and DH of quaity for her to make a life with.
Quality ultimately will find quality. If both sides can navigate the maze of polished turds that will invariably take a run at landing a mate of quality. I had a few to navigate past follwing my divorce and DW had a few to get past after she booted the cheating serial statutory rapist SpermDaddy to our son.
Take care of you,
Laughing at your legitimate
Laughing at your legitimate grievances and name calling (victim) is reprehensible behaviour on the part of your DH. I don't know how old you are, but I am 66 and nearly left my DH 2 yrs ago for similar behaviour. I stepped back because he finally went to therapy, recognised he was behaving like a knob and has stopped doing it. I would still leave him if it is warranted. Age is never going to stop me.
I disengage instead
I go into my own world. Do my own thing. I've been doing it all my life. I have my hobbies. Some friends. He works all the time. I plan all the vacations.
I've just made the mistakes of sharing my feelings about this visit. I need to not wear my heart on my sleeve so much. I need to keep him knowing only what he needs to know.
If you are content with that
If you are content with that sort of a relationship then fair enough. I lived like that with my first husband, and wouldn't want to do it again. To me, a partner is someone to share intimate feelings with. Maybe not all of them, but anything really important.
Yes!
I understand this! If I'm not 'all in', I'm nothing at all.
maybe start planning those
maybe start planning those vacations as weekend get aways for you and your friends.
“Stuffing it down”
Isn't healthy for you physically let alone mentally. This is an ongoing problem/ issue for you. Have you gone to see a counselor to help talk things through? This platform is a good place to vent but clearly nothing has improved. Good luck.
Agree here that is really
Agree here that is really horrible. He invaded your privacy and then laughed about it. I would be pretty mad and upset. My husband wanted to tell his bratty kids I have cancer and I told him no. He kept pressing and I said you better not tell them. He just couldn't understand why I didn't want them to know. It's gross. I would never invade someone's privacy in that way. And if someone told me that I would never betray that. Your husband shouldnt have told her. It wasn't his place
Btw even if you did sound
Btw even if you did sound edgy.. I wonder why that would be!! Maybe because how the lot of them treats you...
?
Was it the knowledge that you were prepared to leave that helped him see the light?
Well you are a victim... A
Well you are a victim... A victim of how awful he's treating you and allowing her to treat you. A victim of his gas lighting
looks like he'll have four
looks like he'll have four days full of Daddy/daughter time aand you'll have four days of giving them space by both heading out to fun things and hanging in your home with your things just chilling.
as for the spilling of medical things, perhaps no longer share anything with him. he can't keep his yap shut, he gets no info other than basics.
Yes he loses the privilege of
Yes he loses the privilege of that because of the invasion of privacy. If he wanted that privilege then he should have respected your feelings and wishes and been considerate.
I think you're doing the
I think you're doing the right thing by cancelling the plans. It's sucks but it setting a boundary that's needed and shows you won't put up with what he's doing
I can't imagine anyone I'm
I can't imagine anyone I'm living with making arrangements for guests--family or otherwise--coming to visit without consulting me (and vice versa). If you don't feel you can leave your marriage perhaps you can detach and just live separate lives. Not the ideal situation, but you have to figure out some way to enrich your own life and not be affected by his and his family's bs. "Stuffing it down" can make us sick. What outlets do you have or can you create? How can YOU enjoy life?
I’m already detached
Today is going like any other weekend. He works, putters around the house and I do my own thing. Bored. I canceled the res, he could care less. I was offered a choice, she was willing to come the next day. Lol. He never will see my side of things. Blood truly is thicker than water. At my age I'm not going through another divorce. He is a huge help in the house and grounds. But emotionally the wall is up. Daughter is top dog and I'm second fiddle. I knew this going in why did I not run in the other direction? It's hell on your self esteem living like this but I tell myself its only once a year that I have to deal with Ms phony. H I can manage. I think. I just dont understand why he does not go to her place to visit?
At my age I'm not going
Definitely understand your position
But also understand if these Disneyland dads know you ain't going nowhere/there is no consequence despite how horribly they and/or their kids act .... those shenanigans most likely will continue because what incentive do they have to change?
You may not want to divorce him when he acts like a butt but don't ever let him know this ... he needs to be on his toes with the thought in the forefront of his mind "if I ever do xyz highly egregious behavior to get on my wife's bad side she might leave me/take me out the will/refuse seggsual healing/refuse to hang around me/etc...."
Ugh...
what a horrible position to be in. I would strongly encourage you to think about YOU. I know you don't want another divorce "at your age" but friend, is this how you want to go into the Senior years??? I am 62....DH and I have had long discussions. I refused to grow old dealing with toxic behaviors. As much as I love my DH, I was willing to grow old alone and with friends rather than live the way we were. DH listened. We started therapy, set some boundaries and thankfully, life improved. Not that "toxic" still doesn't hit sometimes....it will always "hit" when dealing with toxic SKs...but we handle it together and make decisions that strengthen our marriage.
Maybe it's time for "that" discussion.....see how much your DH is really invested in yours/his marriage. At least you will know where you stand. If he choose SD and you still don't want to divorce, you can then manage the relationship as more of business (he helps on the property) contract, do your own thing and let your DH do his thing. SD comes to your home? ignore her. Let your DH entertain HIS guest.
Best to you.
I will ignore her
Honestly she is going to be here the first time in 2 years. And H is going to handle it all. He no longer chats with her when we are together. He has agreed to save it for his own time. I am not sharing my medical with him unless it's dire. Yes he will find out going through insurance but he deserves NOT to be told. And God willing I will be relatively healthy. Lol.
His daughter will notice a chill in the air. Now likely she won't care. H can make his own bday plans. Cake included.
Medical Records
While he will see your EOBs, those don't give diagnostics and detailed descriptions of results. It only lists the procedures and codes....not even what it's done for. If he sees them and ask you questions, DO NOT SHARE THE INFORMATION. If you cannot tell him outright to mind his own damn business, then lie about it. Don't give him ammunition to share with his Mini wife.
He no longer chats with her
Fyi the Disneyland dad I used to deal with did this crap
Anytime we dropped them off after their weekly weekend visitations then went on adults only dates (which his spawns and beastly breeder {by proxy} was aware of because he stupidly shared his location with them) they would blow his phone up with the most ridiculous questions like "hey dad just calling to see if you knew where my dress shoes would be" .... like how tf is he supposed to know where you put your clothes at your mothers house?!? .... really nonsensical questions every time we went out to the point I told him that unless his kids were experiencing a medical emergency then he can tell them to hold their calls until he is available. He kept making excuses "oh they're just kids" .... so i interrupted him multiple times on our dates to call and text my entire family and friends and hit him with the "oh it's just my family/ friends " .... maybe a bit petty but best believe he started getting a clue when it was done to him.
Not about to sit here on dates and be treated like a mistress to some clingy codependent mini-spouses / manipulative beeeder by proxy
Yes!
You had the guts to turn the table. And after months of being woken to H chatting at 7 am on weekends I spoke loudly to her father" where is her husband at 730 on a Sunday?" And she heard it.
And recently threw me under the bus to Daddy saying she felt I was "edgy" with her. But it's obviously not stopping her from waltzing in after 2 years.
In some ways I feel empowered to no longer have to pretend with ms phony. Maybe if she's THAT uncomfortable she'll stay away another 2 years. Lol. Why did I spend years kowtowing to her? As much as I don't want to get divorced I think her father also does not. So there will be a huge attic blast during her visit.
The Disneyland dad I dealt
The Disneyland dad I dealt with did this too....
His mobile b*tch beck n call hotline commenced at 6am where he would take calls in bed on speakerphone where I'd be abruptly awoken by kid clingy kids demanding money, last minute rides (during his ex wife's parenting time because she didn't feel like driving), and whatever other con jobs they could get him to tap dance for them at the drop of a dime.
Not only was i disgusted by the leverage they had to get him to come running at their beck and call for non emergencies during his ex wife's parenting times ... I was thoroughly pissed he thought I'd love being woken out of my sleep to jump at their demands
I dealt with that b*llsh*t for 2 years till I got sick and tired of being treated like an afterthought to these dom3stic terror!sts random whims
I realized I didn't have a mature man ready for marriage, I had a guilt riddled delusional Disneyland dad who needed a free sidekick/bang maid to help him cater to his dysfunction
THIS!!!
"I realized I didn't have a mature man ready for marriage, I had a guilt riddled delusional Disneyland dad who needed a free sidekick/bang maid to help him cater to his dysfunction"
Wow, Lilly! Your descriptions are spot on.
Oh and I also got accused of
Oh and I also got accused of being "on edge" and "uptight" when his no-home-training codependent spawns were around
well NO SH*T mfer!
Disneyland dads with loose boundaries can't parent their unruly spawns and bending over backwards to please their ex wives .... acting unhusbandly (refusing to put the marriage first in most reasonable instances) and unmanly (allowing chaos in the home) alst while demanding resources from us AND having the gall to demand seggs
Yes I'd definitely be on edge living with Disneyland dads and their spawns
I fear this is my future
My SD says she doesn't want me around and won't allow me at anything or to visit with DH. Just because she doesn't like that her dad married me and no longer caters to her pretend reality that mom and dad pretend to be together around her.
DH is currently visiting her and his grandchild (not mine because I am not allowed to know her) every month and thinks he can *fix* things with her, saying "she will need you down the road" because her own mother is in poor health and probably can't cater to her every whim forever.
But why why why would I accept being ignored and rejected for years for no reason but then all of a sudden do a ton of favors because now she "needs" me?!?! I don't think that is fair to ask of me.
Its either grow up now and let me be a part of things now and be respectful or don't ask for favors later. I am nice but I am not about to let someone who disrespected me and my marriage and my kids as well to take advantage of me down the line.
No thank you!
Oh boy. The denial is of
Oh boy. The denial is of industrial strength here. What on earth makes him think that being wanted by someone who rejects you to a point that she won't even let you meet her child once mommy dearest kicks the bucket (and it ain't gonna happen not now, not ever) is some kind of prize?! What TF is wrong with him?
He really thinks you are just waiting in the wings to be able to step in? And how effin' insulting for him to think that you want to step into the shoes of the woman he divorced... I swear there are times I despair for the human race - sooo many intelligent but totally clueless individuals living on a different planet...
Just say "No".
If and when this happens, just say "No". 'No' is all that is needed, no explanation unless you want to give one. In this case, I'm not sure an explanation would be understood; I say this because of your husband's stance on the issue. You are right, it is not fair to ask this of you. Relationships require give and take.
When I first married my husband, I tried to cultivate relationships with MIL, sister, and YSD. After 3-4 months, I just stopped because while they were not rude, they generally had minimal responses and were dismissive. I was upfront with DH about this. At first I was met with "Keep trying." My way to try is to be cordial and polite when I am around them, which is not often. I do not go out of my way. I do not believe the core family has any interest in 'outsiders' and I am pretty sure I will always be an 'outsider' to them. I can see this with how they relate to other 'outsiders' in the family. I certainly can not fix that, nor do I wish to try.
One example of the result of their behavior is me saying "No" when asked to babysit for YSD. I work full-time, why would I want to spend my valuable time off babysitting for someone who treats me as 'just her father's wife'? I don't. So I don't. I have told DH why. He gets it. What we permit we promote. I do favors for people who treat me with love and respect. And I do them with a loving heart.
I like your approach.
You get what you put into a relationship. And your H respects that. I live with s character who thinks you should constantly turn the other cheek for them to punch it. No more.
Thank you.
I used to 'turn the other cheek' too. Then I realized I was partially to blame for how I was treated, because I allowed it. Not anymore. Self-respect feels good.
My DH does respect how I feel NOW...but it was tough for him at first because of his nature to people please. Not people pleasing does not make one unkind, it just means you must put your needs first which is healthy. I think he is finally understanding this. Yay! He also puts our marriage first, so I am very fortunate.
It’s never going to change
Why should it? Your SD realizes she calls the shots. She has her father jumping thru HER hoops. No need for her to change.
i do have to give my ex credit. With all of his gfs and now wife, he never tolerated his kids to be rude to them or their kids. There was no opt out button. And I was not an alienator of him with the kids. Very important for creating an environment where kids knew their place in the pecking order. As it should be!! What universe is it that parent's spouses should be marginalized by the kids. Disrespect yo the parents.
So now I am reciprocating the step behavior. Total indifference toward them.
And H will no longer be in my loop of close information. Can you imagine him justifying telling his D about my skin cancer surgery because I could be preventing her from having one? How selfish of me not wanting to share that info with HER???
But again total indifference. Mirror their behavior back to them. Honestly when H is out with D I should be calling and texting him. Let her hear the dings all day long. Seriously.
His reasoning is so flawed
His reasoning is so flawed that I just can't...
I can't remember if you called him out for gossiping, but if you haven't, please do and please use the word "gossip/gossiping". It may hit home. Most men consider gossip to be something (old) women do and cannot imagine being accused of it. Yet, that is exactly what he is doing. I'd be tempted to feed him something really outrageous so he can make himself look really ridiculous.
Yes!
I love this approach! Let the texting begin!
He’s in a hot lather now
Worrying if I'm going to be rude to ms Phony. He doesn't get that having her come to my home is like throwing water on an oil fire. Now she coming for more days. lol. Does he really think that I will Continue the charade of me and her being besties while she is here??? Come on. I said if you are that worried visit her at her home.
He should be worried about SD
He should be worried about SD being rude to YOU! So f'd up.
your DH disrespect you
He is giving you no respect. This would mean war in my books. You will do nothing when SD is visiting. You will ask DH : is he cooking breakfast " ? Or shoukd you Uber it. Is he making lunch ? Or you are Uber it, WHERE is DH sleeping. Because it's not with you. Then maybe you should buy a new television for DD not to watch.
He’s been told.
The simplest thing would have been to say that my wife and her kids are taking me out for the day. Why don't we get together another time? But to basically let her know that my plans are pushed to the side because she has decided to show her face after two years of not being here?
H was informed that he is cruise director chef and chief housekeeper while they are here. I will not lift a finger. Cordial I will be but hey she doesn't like don't come anymore.
It is your home. No one
It is your home. No one enters your home without your approval. Equity live partners both have veto authority on who enters the martal home. There is no overriding the veto unless the one playing the veto retracts it.
So, no to his spawn entering your home without prior discussion and agreement. When he informs that she is coming, he needs to hear NO! Until he respects you enough to discuss with you, the answer must always be a resounding NO!
Do not tolerate this crap from your mate. Ever.
Agreed!
It is beyond me how your DH can just let your SD visit & stay without your approval. It is your home too, he doesn't just get to overrule you. Maybe you can just do the same next time - get one of your family/friends to come and stay and just let DH know and that he doesn't get a say. See how he likes it.
With all of this considered,
With all of this considered, what makes this guy tolerable in your life at all, much less as your life partner?
Things have improved
He no longer takes her calls or her texts when we are together. That is a huge improvement in my book. He still does not understand that she basically has rejected me and my kids over the years and seems entitled to just come in and out of OUR family when she wants. By her choice she is not a member of OUR family. We have been able to navigate the waters over the years but right now it is so uncomfortable, how is it not for her? How does she walk into my home after over a year of absolutely NO CONTACT with me and daily calls and texts with her dear old dad? And for his birthday no less. And this is for several days, not a dinner out? I guess am I the crazy one???? I have thought that, maybe I am not seeing this clearly.
There is nothing wrong with
There is nothing wrong with you and none of this is your fault. Do not doubt yourself and your quality of character.
So many in less than quality relationships discount themselves, blame themselves, doubt themselves while those who are at fault are so clueless and delusional that they can prance around like the y are the Emporer in the Emperor's new clothes fairy tale without a second thought. Though they are butt neked in quality, character, and worthiness.
As is evidenced by so many Skids in the STalker lexicon.
This got me thinking....
"Though they are butt neked in quality, character, and worthiness." I'm a voracious reader and the more I read on this site, the more I am convinced that it is not just the Skids...it often appears to be the BP too.
My question is: Why are people allowing it? Why are people putting up with nonsense? I understand there is bound to be a learning curve for most in a new marriage/partnership/living situation with stepkids. This learning curve is expected, as is figuring it out. Clarify the negotiables. Clarify the non-negotiables. Why is dishonest harmony so common? Why do people NOT love themselves enough to require/demand better?
These thoughts are not rooted in criticism; I love people. It hurts to see the struggles people go through. My wish is for all to actualize self-love and to live life to the fullest. I believe therapy is a great tool for making this happen.
(Also, I am smiling at the Emporer reference...I have a therapist friend who utilizes this concept frequently.)
You have to make DH pay for this
I am a petty person So I would make a reservation at the same restaurant he went with SD. for a adult night out. If he omplanes then a much fancier and expensive restaurant ording something you like. Then a weeken away with your family. To a resort.ot cruise. Disney. .. ..
'He must understand that nothing is free. Seeing his DD at your expense is not free he's going to have pay, and reminding him that a weekend away is cheaper then a divorce.
My adult kids
And I ourselves are going out to eat that very night. He won't know until he sees the credit card statements. Lol. For his birthday. Meh. Let princess handle it. I already put him on notice. I'm going food shopping. You want anything for the week? He didn't comment.
My ex husband had a stepdaughter but he broke up with the girl's mother years ago. Who came over my house as she is still close friends with my kids. She told me and H that she still texts my ex a happy Father's Day. Imagine that. I told her in front of my H. Wow. That is so nice!!! He said nothing.
But he's on notice.