Personally.. it's too much together with exes.. it's not necessary and I agree with your DH's perspective.

I see the couple trying to maximize their time but I would rather not spend multiple days with my EX or their new spouse!

I agree with your husband and the other posters on this one...too much Ex! I am thinking that if it were me, I would not like it one bit and would see it as an unnecessary stressor.

(I do not 'hate' the Ex; that said, she is not someone I would ever choose to spend time with even if she were not the Ex. One example, she has a history of wanting a payout, not a partner in life...our values are not in alignment.)

Is this what you want? Or do you agree with your DH that you would rather not spend so much time socializing with your ex? You aren't obligated. 

It depends on how well all parties get along and/or can tolerate each other is a nice way. 

My former husband and I get along great. While we did divorce, we made the decision to keep our anger with each other only, support our children as best we could and lessen as much of the impact on them that divorce does to kids. We did some unconventional things in our early divorce years and it worked for us. Today, we all get along great (me, DH, exDH, newWife) and have attended multiple "life event" kids' stuff over the years. We even sit together. And honestly, it's what I always wanted. I did NOT want my kids to have to pick and choose over who would attend their life events. 

Now DHs crew and ex??? Nah...I wouldn't attend any life event at this time in life, even with the BM deceased now. DHs adult kids were major players in her viciousness and have their own pots they stirred over the years, well knowing what they were doing. DH could attend alone if he wanted but I'd sit it out.

So...again...how well can the parties tolerate each other for the events....that's the bar I'd use. 

I'd go (as long as DH is invited). I would not let the ex drive me away. He can stay away if he wants.

This could be the first of things to come. There's a wedding on the horizon and then perhaps children. 

I'd put on my fake smile, dress well, and go.

I think this is a huge opportunity for you and H to be happy, there for each other, and for you to be rockingly radiant.

The  odds of a situation of a baby shower that the SpermClan will ever attend, or any other shower, or Skid celebration, is less than a 0% risk of ever happenening. They have never attended anything of note in SS's life. Not a birthday, not even a call, not HS graduation, not graduation from Basic Training, not a promotion order, never a visit, never a reach out, shit for nothing has been their level of engagement in SS's life. Oddly while they were paying a pittance in CS, they were toxicly manipulative and PASing as hell, even though they only had a limited long distance visitation  schedule if they bothered to take it, they were hell bent on toxic crap to try to guilt SS into separating from his mom and I though we are the only REAL family.  Paying seemed to give SpermGrandHag some need to control, interfere, and to try to demonize my DW who is an incredible woman and mother. Unlike that Hag from hell who created a serial statutory rapist and has destroye the lives of her GKs. Not SS, because he won the mom lottery. But Spermidiot spawn #2 is on the dole,  #3 is in priison, and #4 is not far behind the inmate.   

For me it is not about hating an X. Neither mine, nor the Spermidiot. Though I would not waste the hydration to piss on either of them if they were on fire.

I have not spoken with my X in 30 years.  Fortunately we do not have children and there is zero reason to ever see or speak with her again.  Though I would consider attending a memorial service for the X ILs.  Not sure why, but ... maybe, or more accurately an extremely remote consideration of attending.

As for anyone in the SpermClan, primarily the Spermidiot or the SpermGrandHag, I would not have anything to do with any of then other than to piss on their graves but I would not even do that because I would not want to offer any evaporative cooling while they burn in hell.

I do not hate them. My disdain for the Spermidiot and the SpermGrandHag is so much more deeply developed than simple hate.  It is a visceral revulsion that is highlighed by how great the lives that DW, SS, and I have together in spite of their shallow and polluted gene pool bull1shit family crap.

Minute with your ex.  When you divorce your ex and started a new relationship. You gave up the old happy family things.  Time with the ex has to be limited.

Perhaps you can come up with a way for your husband (and you?)  leave the dinner early if he doesn't want to be there. Or a way to step outside together for some fresh air to decompress for a few minutes before rejoining the group. 

I'm glad you'll be spending some more time with your son and are being included. 

While it is understandable that a minor COD would have some fantasy about mommy and daddy reconciling, a Kidult COD does not have that get out of jail free card and regardless of their wishes, I would stand my ground that I would not be in the presence of my X regardless of the wishes of my kid.

For some reason it is not infrequent for an X or their family (the XILs) to try to maintain some control or contact, even the appearance of closeness, with their former mate/Kid-IL.

My XMIL was one.  For a decade after the divorce that ended my marriage to their serially adulterous daughter, my XMIL would send me cards with cash in them for B-day, Xmas, and even anniversary cards for the date their daughter and I married.  After my DW and I moved to the city where I had met married, and was divorced from their daughter, we ran into my XILs on our way into a restaurant near our home for breakfast.  After that, my XMIL pushed for us to attend their family gatherings at their Ranch, or holiday gatherings at their home.  Of course there was not a snowball's chance in hell I would expose my bride and our family to that polluted gene pool.  My XMIL ended up federal convict. my XW at last update was on husband #3 with three all out or wedlock children. Her eldest and youngest conceived while cheating on a husband.

The SpermGrandHag was hell bent on total control of my DW and of SS.  That DW left SpermLand with SS on her hip after breaking up with the SpermIdiot sent the Hag into crazed apoplexy. She fought the Hag in an initial hearing shortly before SS turned 1yo. That hearing officially awarded sole physical and legal custody of SS to my DW, established paternity on the SpermIdiot, and set CS at $110/mo.  No visitation was set.  

A few months after HS graduation DW left to attend University out of state with SS then a few weeks past his 1st B-day.  No effort was made by SpermIdiot to see SS. He did send DW air itineraries which she took several busses to the airport with SS to meet flights that the SpermIdiot never got off of the plane from.  This was pre 911 so she was waiting at the gate.  Then she had to get herself and a baby back to her apartment on late night busses.  When SpermGrandHag heard that DW was dating at school, a 8mo custody battle was launched by the Hag.  When it finally got to court, full physical and legal was upheld for DW, visitation was set, and the Hag became a fixture in the next 16+ years of our life. She never stopped trying to hook and reel in DW, to manipulate SS with lies, manipulation, and PASing crap.  Even after SS aged out from under the CO at 18 she tried to tie him to them through manipulation and guilt.  Fortunately SS was serving in the military and was legally obligated to deliver on his commitment which kept him out of the harpy claws of the Hag.

Living well, tolerating none of their bullshit, and keeping the message clear to the individual with control issues that they no longer mean anything, have no say, and have no control.  That revenge is the most destructive revenge possible against these types of people.

One thing that my XMIL did that was mind boggling to me is that the wedding pics from my first marriage were formally framed and on their walls and display shelves 10yrs after the divorce.  I ran into my XILs at lunch and the invited me to their home for coffee. I accepted their invitation.  Their home that they remodeled as part of the facade of success and legitimacy, a large framed bride picture of my XW on the LR wall, a large portrait of she and I as bride and groom in the FR, and a few small pics of the two of us on the wedding day, and our engagement pic from the newspaper.  It was erie as it could be.  That was the last time I saw my XILS.  She did tell me that not long after my XW moved out of our home that my XBIL's young DD visited. She was about 5yo then.. The doorbell rang and she took off running to the door yelling "I know who that is! It's Uncle (Rags)."  According to XMIL she wilted when she opened the door and it was Grandpa Sugar/Baby daddy.  

These control freak types are dangerous.  Do not tolerate them or their crap.  Make sure they clearly know that they do not matter and they are history with no place in our lives. Apparently my XMIL thought that the pics captured my soul or something. Or helped her self delude that her eldest DD was something other than a cavern crotched serially adulterous skank whore.  Not that my not then yet arrested and convicted federal felon XMIL is any better than her characterless daughter. I detest them both. I also detest the SpermGrandHag.  I relish that it is me that is in control.  I realize somewhat in hind sight that I always was though at the time I might not have realized it.