New here. Need advice about adult SD
Hi everyone. I'm new here so this is my first post. I'm hoping someone in a similar position can give some advice or at least relate to my SD problems.
My partner and I have been together for 10 years. We've always had a great relationship generally. When we met, I wasn't put off by the fact that he had two kids (living two hours away with their BM at the time) because although I like kids, I've never wanted any of my own. So it was a bonus that he had already had kids and wasn't fussed about having any more.
About three years into our relationship, SD was dropped off on our doorstep at the age of 13. We had an hour's notice from her mum that she was coming to live with us permanently. I had absolutely no say in the matter, but I also completely understood, because I have always said that my partner's kids come first. I've made my peace with that. Her mum couldn't deal with her any more, because at 13, SD was not coming home at night, smoking, drinking, smoking weed, sleeping around, etc.
As soon as I knew SD was on her way, I started cleaning the crap out of the spare room to make sure she had somewhere nice to stay. The day after she arrived, I took her shopping because her mum had brought hardly any of her belongings with her, and she had no spare clothes or anything. I took her to get pads and tampons, because I knew my partner wouldn't know what to do.
Over the years, I looked after her more than anyone else. Her mum checked out and never even called. My partner had serious guilt because he hadn't seen SD as much as he should have over the previous few years, so he never disciplined her consistently. I tried not to be the disciplinarian, but was often left with no choice.
I fought for SD tooth and nail. I bought her anything she needed, often with my money. I took her to her first gig. I always had her back. But she never, ever thanked me. She never, ever helped out round the house. I would have to ask ten times for her to clean her room (and it was really grim) and she never would. And so on.
Nothing we ever got her was good enough, like phones etc. And we never had much money. We did our best. But she hated everything. Then eventually, she turned to much worse things. Once I found dozens of bags of ketamine in her room. I wasn't snooping, they were just there on her bed when I was putting her washing away. I confronted her and told my partner. I did it all calmly and managed to keep my partner calm. We set some rules. No more drugs. Home by a certain time. No more phone in her room when she was supposed to be asleep, because she was up all night, sleeping all day and missing school and her part time job. It turned out she kept asking me for more and more lunch money, and it was all going on ketamine. (I twigged when I realised I was giving her fifty quid a week just for lunch and then refused to give her more and told her she would have to make lunch at home because it was too expensive. She had a massive meltdown because she owed people money for the ketamine.)
We also found out just how often she was lying about where she was (literally all the time) when she admitted she needed the morning after pill at 15 because she had slept with a 26-year-old without protection. She refused to do the STI check home kit that I got her, even though it was purely for her safety. She also blackmailed me when I said I couldn't keep this morning after pill stuff to myself, because I'm just the step parent. I didn't think it was fair for that to be my burden, and my partner had a right to know as her father. She said she'd never tell me anything or do anything for me ever again if I told him. I still told him of course, but her cold, callous way of saying that to me cut me deep. After everything I'd done for her.
There are a thousand awful things she has said and done to me over the years, including stuff with my own family. I won't bore you all with all of them, but suffice it to say, it's been harrowing.
She moved out at 18. My partner and I were glad of it. We couldn't deal with her crap anymore. It was too upsetting. I've honestly never met ANYONE who is as cold, lazy and uncaring as her. It's awful to say, but it's true. She never cared about anyone but herself.
SD is now 20. She's been kicked out of the house she was living in with her friend because they had a falling out. Turns out she has no leg to stand on because she never signed a tenancy agreement because the house belonged to her friend's mum.
So SD is back with us. She's on lots of prescription pills for anxiety/depression. She's also been buying extra prescription pills online (pregabalin) that are illegal without prescription. They're basically really strong opioids. She cried and asked for my help getting off them. Which we have successfully done in the last few weeks. But when she moved back in, I made it explicitly clear that she is to get clean, get a job, and contribute to the household by helping with cleaning, dog walking, etc. I am NOT her maid. And she mustn't sleep all day. I told her that her anxiety will not improve unless she gets up and gets some occasional exercise. (I know – I've had anxiety since I was a bloody toddler.) She agreed.
But here we are, a couple weeks later. She's sleeping till four in the afternoon, for 14–16 hours at a time unless I go in and wake her up. She's not doing the three TINY daily jobs I asked her to do every day (washing up, short dog walk, and her own laundry). She has an excuse for everything. I understand personally how hard anxiety is, but I don't believe she's really got it. She has no issues going out with her friends, staying out overnight, going on dates with strangers, going to festivals, etc. But her anxiety is 'too bad' to go to a job centre meeting for 20 mins. It only acts up when it interferes with something she doesn't want to do. If you have anxiety, it affects your whole life, not just going to work! She got sacked from her last job because when she got sent home sick for having a 'panic attack', she was seen 20 mins later having a pint outside the pub she bloody worked at with her mates!
I'm at my wit's end. Its causing me so much stress, just like before. I've been in agony for the last week with an old shoulder injury, and she knows how much pain I'm in, and STILL won't help me with the dog walking or housework. My partner is working long hours, so does what he can, although he could do more. But SD is doing nothing, paying nothing, and I can't stand it. She's 20. She's an adult. There is no excuse!
I don't know what to do. I have no one to rant to, because my partner just gets angry and wants to kick her out, but she has nowhere to go. I can't keep going like this. I shouldn't have to keep asking her to do what she KNOWS she's meant to do. I shouldn't have to wake her up in the morning like she's a child. When is she going to start acting like an adult? Is this just my life from now on??
Has anyone here been in a similar situation? What would you do?
I'm sorry this post is so long.
I'm desperate.
Kick her ass out. End of problem.
Welcome by the way. I hope you find this a good place to vent, contribute, and to pick up some useful perspective from others who are living the blended family dream.
I would go ahead and kick her
I would go ahead and kick her out. I mean, that's what happens when you are an adult and don't pay rent, you get evicted.
As long as you give her a place to land, she will not grow up and act like an adult.
If you don't feel right about kicking her out right now, give her a timeline, time to ge another job, save money, etc. But, with her excuses and irresponsibility, I feel that she won't take you seriously and will just keep pushing that timeline (and pushing and using you).
Thanks so much for taking the
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and reply. I think you're probably right. I'll have to at least give her a timeline. At the end of the day, she's not my responsibility, and she is an adult!
You’ve Already Done All You Can
Based on your post I don't know how you could do any more. You've bent over backwards for this girl for years & she's kicked you in the face repeatedly as a thank you.
If you are set on a final chance for her it has a hard deadline, very specific & measurable check points and no room for error. Make sure she is aware this is her final opportunity and if it doesn't work out, the bridge is forever burned.
You have a big heart and have put up with a lot but without these key points above you are not helping her you are enabling her and she will never right her ship. Good luck!
Thanks so much for taking the
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and reply. Thank you for your kind words too. People do often say I'm too soft. Pretty much everyone has the same advice about giving her a deadline, so I think that's what I'll have to do. We're the only bridge she hasn't burned as well, so this really is her last chance and only option!
I could have written your blog
I'm 78 and SD is 62 but I could have written your blog with a few different details. My SD was dumped here, too, with no input from me, at age 15 when BM couldn't handle her. Like you, I did everything possible. After a few runaways and moving back and forth to BM whenever we tried to discipline her, she married for the first time at 21. She was back a few years later with her daughter when she and #1 split (her infidelity.and drugs). She moved out again when she and #2 married We had 15 years of peace til she and #2 split (her infidelity and drugs). Then came 3 years of DH propping her up financially til her house was sold. That was followed by 2 years of apartment living where she was evicted from each. Then, she moved in again, a nightmare of drugs and craziness. After a year, my health was suffering. I helped her find different housing which we subsidize.
Like your SD, mine suffers from anxiety, panic attacks, triggers, insomnia or whatever she hears about. I admit she does have some real health issues and is on disability. Her ailments are made worse by her neglect of followups, not taking prescriptions as advised, using illegal drugs and waiting too long when an ailment flares up.
I don't have any advice, just commiserating with another long suffering stepmom. My SD is currently mad at me for suggesting that her latest arrest was for shoplifting. I wish it were shoplifting rather felony theft. Hang in there, StepSusie, but just know this could be a lifelong situation.
Thank you so much for taking
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply! I'm so sorry to hear what you've had to go through too. As much as I don't wish it on anyone, it's nice to hear I'm not alone! That's a good point about it probably being a lifelong situation. If I don't do something to make things change, no one else will and I'll feel this stressed for the rest of my life. I hope things improve for you soon.
Hey, Susie,
Hey, Susie,
Welcome to StepTalk! I suggest that you look up Robert Hare’s psychopathy checklist. You’ll discover that your SD has many, if not most of the traits presented. It’s clear that the girl has a personality disorder and will not change. Until you finally insist that she leave, your SD will continue to make your home life a living hell.
Hon, the girl is not your responsibility nor has she ever been. Also, keep in mind your considerable efforts to date have been neither appreciated nor made a dent in your SD’s unacceptable behaviour.
To quote our friend Rags (and Albert Einstein), “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results”. Now that this bleak situation is beginning to affect your health and the girl’s own father wants her out, it’s past time to send her on her way. Users like your SD will always find a place to land; she’ll find another softie, like you, to exploit.
It will do you good to have a session with a therapist in order to alleviate the inappropriate guilt that you’re suffering. Obviously, you’re a good person, trying to do your best in an impossible situation but Hon, as is often said by our members, “Not your circus, not your monkey!”
Thank you so much for reading
Thank you so much for reading and replying! It's validating to have to many people back me up here and voice the things I often struggle to say around other people. I never really saw what I'm feeling as inappropriate guilt before, but in hearing it, it makes so much sense!
I have often thought that she has many psychopathic qualities before. I often swing between wondering whether she's clinically mentally ill or whether she's just a horrible person.
Thank you for being so kind.
Her behavior is what matters. The why of what she does is of no
matter.
Make her live the consequences of her chosen actions. I am team no timeline by the way. I am firmly team GTF OUT NOW!
Buh-bye to the toxic Skidult.
I'm so sorry you've done so
I'm so sorry you've done so much for her and she doesn't appreciate any of it. It's fairly typical in step parent land. Stop doing anything for her immediately. Her father is the one who should be dealing with her. He needs to figure it out and get her out of your home.
Thanks so much for taking the
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and reply!
I have stopped doing a lot for her. I'm not cooking for her or cleaning up after her, and I refuse to drive her anywhere (unsurprisingly, she still doesn't drive).
It's so difficult to talk to my partner about her. He totally agrees that she's a waste of space most of the time, but won't step up and deal with a awkward situation. It causes such friction in our relationship because he just gets angry and can't deal with the emotions. Bloody useless bloke.
I'll just have to keep on at him until he does something. Or threaten to move out myself until he sorts her out!
Look at my posts
Though SS18 did not leave willingly, he just left to a live in trade program 4 months ago or so. He has a very similar history to your SD, and his mom also has not taken him for overnight visits since he was about 13 years old. Has no friends, stayed in room all day, drugs in room, thinks he will become a millionaire overnight, dropped out of HS. To his defense, I do think DH could have done more in the discipline arena, but he didn't. I expect that he will have a similar future to your SD and in anticipation of that, and to protect my DD8 of my DH's first failed family, I am sort of in hiding and waiting to see what happens to his kids. I know for sure I will not take him back. Not even when he gets kicked out of whereever he is. If DH wants to finanncially support him, I'm okay with that. I just never want my peace interrupted, and I know his kids just can't help it.
Kick her out. Drive her to the nearest shelter. See if you can move for a year or so, to get her used to living out consequences of her own poor decisions.
Any support DH gives to this kid comes out of your marital
resources.
As the news says constantly every day, money is fungible. One Cent given frees up that amount for an idiot kid to waste elsewhere. So, no money. If daddy is so hell bent on "helping", he can drop a bag of $1 hamburgers and warm pair of socks to the homeless camp under the local highway overpass once a week.
Though we never had to do it, the eyeopener for SS was when he spent a couple of hours with the amazing people at the homeless camp under the elveated highway in Philly after he failed the only class he needed from the first semester of his Sr. year of HS. SS had been comatose in class for weeks after the Spermidiot had worked with SS to hack the school firewall and they would stay up all night nearly every night playing WoW. Rather than pay another year and a half of boarding school tuition we brought him home at winter break, DW enrolled him in our local HS where he knew no one since we had moved a couple of weeks after he started at Military School. The message was that we either went to HS graduation on day he should graduate or we would be dropping him off at the homeless camp. A few days after that tear filled lecture fest I took him to meet his new neighbors and have a couple of hour test at the homeless camp. Those amazing people welcomed him, fed him, and scared the complete and total shit out of him then firly ripped his head out of his own ass with tag team lectures on how he needed to pull his head out and graduate. They also pointed out how his mom and dad obviously loved him.
That kid busted his ass and graduated on time and with honors. If he had passed the class he needed from the first semester he would have only needed one class the second semester. Because HS graduation requirements were different in or home state he needed both of the classes he woudl have needed at Mil School, plus an extra math class, plus 3 career track classes and to fully complete a comprehensive Sr. project. The project was usually assigned at the beginning of second semester of Jr. year and was due in mid Feb of Sr. year. He had 5wks to get a 14mo project completed.
We attended graduation instead of dropping SS off at the homeless camp.
11mos later, he reported for USAF basic training. He has been in more than 13yrs and is less than 7 years from full military retirement. To motivate him to launch, we worked his butt off as our live in beck-&-call boy/chore bitch. That did did it all, cleaned, dusted, washed, folded, polished, painted, trimmed, weeded, emptied, filled, sliced, diced, chopped, cut, cooked, served, cleanet it all up, and did it all again the next day. If he got it all done by bed time, he got to do it again the next day> If he did not get it done, he was on the curb when we left for work the next AM and then had to do what he did not get done the day before, plus that day's list or... back on the curb. After 4mos of laboring for room and board, he met with the military recruiters.
His mom and I are very proud of him. But.. it was a closely run thing as to which of us would strangle him on any given day. He survived because when one of us was ready to do him in, the other wanted to give him just one more day.
Stand your ground, guard your family check book, and... force this kid to either figure it out or crash and burn.
All of that took effort on
All of that took effort on your and your DW's part. Bless the people living in the encampment under the bridge who cared and wanted to help scare your SS straight!
A lot of these bio parents are just too lazy to do what you and your wife did. The thought of my son not being a capable, independent, contributing member of society terrified me. The alternative was simply not acceptable. It wasn't an option, period.
DW and I were in the same place with our son.
As hard as it is for a loving parent to do the difficult work of prepating their child for life, it has to happen. It is far easier to protect them from life. Which is absolutely parental failure.
Sometimes the most valuable thing that a parent can do for their kid, is let the kid hurt and learn from their choices.
She has to find a place to live
You have social services in your community. Tell them SD has to go.. You can't keep a someone on drugs in your home .She need a resident type place. Where she can get professional help. 1/2 way house. Type place. Where she has to clean, cook, do other household duty's and get mental help at the same time.
I agree. Dealing with a drug
I agree. Dealing with a drug addict isn't something just anyone can do. They lie and manipulate and play everyone. They need to be in an environment where people are trained in how to deal with them.
The fact that she has nowhere
The fact that she has nowhere else to go is not an excuse for her to stay with you. Addicts will use whatever resources they can get their hands on, and anything you provide to her is enabling her addiction. Why should she change? She has a nice place to live and money to buy drugs.
Try Al-Anon, a therapist specializing in addiction, or tap into the recovery community. That really helped us when SS was in active addiction. My DH really fought cutting off all financial support, but once he did, SS sought treatment and has been in recovery now for about 10 years. Had DH continued sending money, it's almost certain that SS would have continued with the drugs and be either dead or in prison now. SS works hard at sobriety. DH works hard at battling codependency.
Her mum failed her, her dad won’t enforce the
Rules and its not fair you be expected to live with a druggie mooching off of you. So many biomums alienated their kids then dump them on daddys door step because they're unruly and rowdy etc.
since your husband is incapable of enforcing basic rules with repercussions, she is out. The fact she has burnt all bridges and has nowhere to stay is her fault only
I'd kick them both out.
I'd kick them both out.
She sounds mentally unstable
Please, I'm not judging when I ask this but why did you allow her back in your home. It's always easier to keep someone out, initially, than to get rid of them after they live in your home. I'm sure you and your husband wanted to do the right thing which she obviously doesn't appreciate. Please be safe as she sounds rather unstable.
Your partner wants to kick
Your partner wants to kick his daughter out? that's brilliant! Kick her out, some children never grow up without hitting rock bottom, she sounds like one of them. If you continue to help her she will slowly morph into being completely incapable of ever surviving on her own, she's lost the plot. I'm sure she can couch jump until she gets a steady job and find a room to let.
For all that you have done for her to have no respect for you, it's not mentally healthy for you to keep feeding this beast. You've done way more than you should have. If you must feel bad, just tell her "I'm really sorry but the way you are going you won't stand a chance as an adult, you have to leave so you can learn how to make it on your own. Parents die and you want to be able to rely on yourself. Stay at people's houses while applying for jobs and looking for a room to let. Work your way up from there through hard work and saving up money."
If you kick her out know you are saving her life. Now her life probably won't turn out to be a success story but everyone needs to experience consequences, better now at 20 than 40. Trust me I see so many bm's who hit rock bottom later in life cause family held it up for em, it's sooooo bad. You'll literally be her guardian angel kicking her out. And if she chooses a life of drugs, don't blame yourself, she could have gotten it together easy.
Someone else said it best above. SD is an addict, make it easy for an addict they won't change their ways. If you go to al-anon or AA you hear the same thing over and over again. Dh is on and off alcoholic and I've created a narcisistic monster by helping him with his life, he's useless without me but thinks he's Mr. Responsible, got in an accident two weeks ago still hasn't reported it to his insurance because the wait was too long when he called, call again during lunch break nope. Before me he'd finally pay the utility bill when the notice to shut it off went on the door knob. Consequences are so important, big ones for addicts.
You cannot care more than the
You cannot care more than the parents do. Her own father is ok with the prospect of making her leave. Her own mother dumped her when she let her get so out of control and into addictive and destructive behavior.
I would probably suggest you go to Alanon (or some support group for family and friend's of addicts).
At this point, there really is not much you can do to fix this for her.. she is an adult. I think you and your DH need to present her with a list of demands if she is to stay.. first.. attending ongoing addiction counseling. Second, complete the chores within the home. Third, she will spend X hours a day seeking employment.. applying for jobs.. going to the career office.
You might consider making her get up and leave the house by 9 am.. and not allow her back until 5.. with the directive she is to be seeking employement.
If she fails to adhere.. the consequence may be she has to leave.. even with no where to go.. she is an adult.. maybe hitting rock bottom is what she needs to start fixing this for herself.
You have done a lot.. and to an extent.. I get kids don't "thank"their parents for seeing to their needs as minors.. and some of her actions are due to her mental/addiction issues.. and not necessarily personal.. but in the end.. continuing to enable her isn't working for anyone either.
Welcome to Steptalk!
Everyone here has posted excellent advice. And all of it is VERY solid. The guilty parenting, the failure bio parenting/lack of parenting. We have all seen this. The BLOG section is full of examples of how it starts and where it will eventually go.
I will share my story (this part of it anyway I still have a ways to go..)
With husband 10 years, married 5. 2 Skids. Now Sd17.5 Powersulk and SD24 Feral Forger.
When I first met Husband et al, he was married not divorced. When I first started a relationship with Husband, BM Toxic troll was all about "we are just married on paper, it means nothing we just share children and co parent". She was actively shacking up with anyone that would have her, and was in a new relationship with Tweedle Dum at the time. Well over time, SD24 Feral Forger started stealing and lies came out of her mouth pretty much whenever she spoke.
At 18 and graduate high school - she was given a choice. She can live with us (meaning me who she treated really badly and shunned and made things up about) and live by our rules or find another alternative. She got a job a few towns over, and started staying at her friends mothers house. She never got her drivers license and hence doesnt have a car ever (despite her father being an ace mechanic and can get good cars really cheaply and was expecting to get her one) and she never discussed with us what the deal was - she just left her sh!t in her digusting room in a home I was expected and did help pay for. She basicall ghosted us.
A while later, while not ever hearing from her, I decided to clean that room completely out. Got the queen bed out (bloodstains and other weird things) the electric bed base, 5 bags of trash, 3 bins to store, 4-5 bags donate, 2 dressers, a vanity with mirror and a chair. I use it as my dressing room and have my bookshelves of purses and boots, the closet has my vintage clothing scored at thrift shops, I have bubbling fish tank, and a big woden writing desk. I see sunsets there, its got the best light in the entire house and she had previously trashed it like she trashes everything.
I know shes got some mental issues, but shes mean. And makes accusations and is filthy. She lives like a homeless person with trash everywhere.
Shes of course mad at me because last Christmas when she asked (actually demanded because its her FATHERS house and shes an entitled brat) to "have her old room back" I responded with "well you hate me and youve said horrible things to me and called me horrible names, youve never apologised and wont apologise, I just dont see how that would work and oh by the way this is my house too which I pay half of everything...."
Click went that phone call...
SO, stop enabling the bish and do the tough love approach as described...
Addendum...
periodically through the years shes been in and out of Toxic Troll BM's apartments and trashed them each time and they constantly get into fights and there is all kinds of drama. Powersulk really doesnt like her sister at all and I get to hear about all the mean girl drama...Powersullk isnt really all that bad - shes generally kind and respectful and I am fully disengaged, so that works out well as she will be 18 soon and will more than likely go live with her mother full time since its in beach town...
Take her to a homeless
Take her to a homeless shelter if she doesn't have anywhere else you can graciously take her to. It sounds like you love your SD, so it would hurt...YOU, but tough love is what's required here. Take care of you.
Sounds like she needs residential drug rehab...
her addiction and the mental illness(es) she seems to struggle with likely need a level of care beyond what a parent can do for this girl. Maybe you can find a residential drug treatment center with a program at least 90 days with NO outside freedom for the patients. Addicts in the home wreak havoc and these behaviors you describe won't get better on their own. Of course she won't want to go to treatment but you need your home back and to step away from this girl to keep your sanity!
I specialized in trauma informed therapy and addictions counseling when I worked in residential drug treatment facilities for a few years during internship. Make sure there are no men in the program too, only women...the guys are a distraction especially with this girl behaving like a cat in heat. Some places are one step away from a jail environment with the structure, food and facilities. No country club for this girl. Drop off everything she has at your house to her moms place on the porch or pack it for her to take to rehab. Then she'll have not one reason to return to your home.
Law enforcement can help you get an eviction for her, some places do it, and the police usually have resources for these exact situations. Or drop her off at an emergency room attached to a hospital that also houses an inpatient psych unit. She's very comfortable mooching off both of you and has zero reason to change her lifestyle.
Things will get better for you, thank you for sharing, we have some wonderful folks in this group!
Seems like in the step-world,
Seems like in the step-world, no good deed goes unpunished. Our good intentions are often stomped upon--it's apparently in the manual. I agree with CLove (especially) above (plus I love her nicknames): Poopsie is not your problem. Get her out (if you set a timeline, make it a short one) and try to cleanse her from your system. You've definitely gone "beyond the call of duty" with this girl. Sorry.
Hope You are Feeling Some Relief
Hi - I'm a newbie here too. I feel for you. Being a SM is hard work especially when the SD treats you like shite. My name was stepmonster. Hopefully, it's been a month since you posted and maybe some changes happened. If not, here's a possible plan: Pack up her clothes and stuff in some garbage bags, put them on the porch. Take out the bed and have the room cleaned. Change the locks and tell her as an adult that "we are done" - time to grow up. Give her an envelope with some drug rehab programs and a $100 credit card - drug dealers don't take credit - time to get help. She is no longer welcome in YOUR home. This needs to happen with her dad next to you with arms crossed over his chest and needs to come from him! Take back your power and let this user go.....she made her choices! Wishing you a happy holiday season!