Difficult SD with us full time
I live with my husband (together five years, married one) and his 14yr old daughter, who is with us full time, no contact with her mum since she was 2. I also coparent my seven year old son 50/50.
My SD makes me miserable. She doesn't nothing to help around the house, her attitude is awful, and we have had constant issues with her lying, stealing from us, extremely inappropriate internet searches, over the past three years since she was 11. When in the house alone she has previously gone through my belongings with a fine tooth comb, stealing make up, sentimental jewellery, toiletries, alcohol etc. Everytime I find something I explain to her that her behaviour is upsetting, that I'm more than happy to buy her anything she needs, that it's not nice to live with someone I can't trust etc. She is always extremely earnest and swears she hasn't taken anything other than what I've found, which I always find out to be a lie. Even her dad was taken aback at her assuring him she hadn't or wouldn't taken anything else, when he knew she had lied so convincingly.
Her attitude towards me has slowly got worse. I recently found out she has told her friends some rather horrible lies about me, and when I found out she was pretty much non responsive, apart from to say, in front of her dad, that she did it because I clearly hate her. I have always done everything for her and treated her like my own. She has told her dad things like I won't say goodnight to her, when she actually sneaks past my room and very carefully closes the door so I don't know she's gone to bed. I am nervous she is going to try and lie about me to her dad more. I have explained to her I love her and wouldn't bother trying to parent her if I didn't, and that although I don't hate her, she has to understand that constantly stealing from me, lying to me, and often being very hostile towards me, will affect my relationship with her. I don't hate her but it's became clear she hates me. Her dad was 20 when she was born, and has been a much more laid back parent than me, and their relationship is more like mates somwtimes. I think she resents me making rules and being stricter than she is used to, although I'm not particularly a strict parent. Anyone I've spoken to about this (my mum, friends, a counsellor) just say "she's just a kid, teens are difficult" but it doesn't feel like she's a kid, it's like living with a sly, manipulative bully. Her dad says it's stressful trying to mediate between us.
Thank you if you read this far, I think I just feel very alone in my feelings!
Your DH should not be mediating between you, he should be
Your DH should not be mediating between you, he should be parenting his child. I think you already know what the problem is, he treats her like an equal rather than like a child. He needs to step up and start parenting her. In the meantime, you might consider "disengaging" - read around this site and you will find lots of info. Basically, you take a big step back and let DH do the parenting. You don't do anything for your SD that you don't want to do.
It also sounds like she could use some therapy. The dynamic you are describing is pretty common with kids who lose their Mother's, for whatever reason, at a young age.
I think you are right. She
I think you are right. She has never known her mother, as her mother chose not to be in her life from birth, this is SDs normal and she sees it no differently as her friends who don't have dads in their life.
I have already disengaged in some ways - we both work a lot for our own business but everything within the household and looking after the children is on me. I have stepped back and do less for SD - I find it uncomfortable to be around someone who has lied and stole from me, I dislike her attitude towards me and my son, and in truth, I don't like being around her. My husband says I hardly interact with her and need to be nice to her and show I love her more. I have explained I have been made to feel distant from her but he says I'm the adult and I need to fix things. I feel like I've been bought in to look after this difficult teenager, during a time life hasn't been easy for me, and despite how awful she's been, it's my fault for having the reaction to her behaviour that I don't feel comfortable around her. In a nutshell, I've disengaged for a reason, but am being told my disengaging due to her behaviour is the issue. I know my partner wants me to draw a line under everything she's done, but I find it difficult to switch off my feelings.
How dare he put the
How dare he put the responsibility on you to "be the adult and eat his $hitsandwich". That's a big nope. He made the child, HE needs to parent her into a likable human being. You are right to disengage and I recommend you back off everything to do with her. You can include her in any meals you make of course but if she complains about you food, HE handles it. You have a man problem. He needs to be reminded that he needs you more in this situation than you need him. Some therapy for SD is needed if not already in place. Parenting classes for DH wouldn't hurt either.
Go ask your dad is your new reply. Why you won't do anything for her deserves the truth. She's plenty old enough to know that her behaviors are causing her consequences. Stop rewarding bad behavior. It encourages more and takes you for granted and makes you into a doormat. The best lesson a stepmom can teach a skid is how to respect people. You don't do that chasing after them.
Disengage totally
of course DH wants you to prostitude to SD. it's easy for him. Easyer for you to do for SD. So he doesn't have to deal with her. Time to stop this it's his DD. Who has a BM and BF. You are not one of them. DH already show his lack of judgement on people ie BM
DH is putting SD on the same level with you. In that case SD can do her own, cooking, cleaning , figure out lunch, how she is getting from one place to another. Like an Adult. Put a lock on your bed room with a camber in it.[ you know about the camber so turn it off ] but it will show her turning it off. Do not give DH a key. Because he will give it to SD. THIS IS WAR
At that age of puberty onset, she is also getting into
Territorial mode vying for sole attention from dad so in order to eliminate the wife, she has to make lies to sabotage your marriage. Then comes the phase where she believes she is in a position of authority and power.
end of the day, her dad has to parent her and state the rules and hierarchy in the household family unit.
when i married my husband, his 2 daughters had disengaged and cut off contact a few yrs prior. By the time our 2nd child was 1, they had decided to reconnect with dad after 5.5 yrs no contact
the next few months were horrible and in desperate search to confirm that this steplife crap was real i came across steptalk. I got so much amazing advice. Sd's had believed i was beneath them and everyone, me and our kids were repeatedly referred to as the "new family" when to hubby and his family, we were family!!.
it took 1.5 yrs before my husband sat the eldest sd who was 23/24 at that point and made it clear she is his daughter not his wife or mother of our kids so she doesn't get to answer me back or dictate the upbringing and parenting of our kids. what i say goes and hubby 100% fully supports it. He also made it very clear i am his present and future and very happy with me and we are raising our 2 young kids together to shut down any fantasies of her breaking us up which she attempted the year prior by fake crying on the phone to hubby and giving him an ultimatum its them or us.
i forced my husband to be accountable for his kids that despite his ex being batshit crazy, he chose to marry her, remain married to her and have 3 kids with her and now doesn't get a free pass on things. He has a duty to protect our household and marriage and not allow toxic stepcrap into our household or influence the upbringing of our kids.
the end result is hubbys own family see a drastic difference between skids and our kids.
I agree that girls this age
I agree that girls this age often try to compete with the adult female in the home. In an intact family this behavior would be shut down by BOTH parents working together.
Don't accept your H's gaslighting. 14 yo girls are the worst, but it's his job to stay on top of her and parent those negative behaviors out of her.
It does feel like that. I
It does feel like that. I think because it's always been the two of them, and pretty much no other family, DH is absolutely determined to maintain her bond with him, and this results in him seeing her through rose coloured glasses. He doesn't notice, or refuses to believe/acknowledge a lot of her behaviour, which results in me feeling very lonely and kind of gaslit. I pointed out his love for her as a parent is unconditional, mine for a teenager I've know 4.5yrs, isn't, which he disagrees with. In his situation I would be mortified if my child was treating someone like that, who had came in and cared for them so much. I would be sitting down with my child and staying that if they didn't treat this person with more respect, that person would no longer be doing things for them. Oddly enough I have got more of an understanding and sympathetic response when I've spoken to his daughter than from him, but frustratingly she then seems to forget this, usually when I've had to tell her off for something. I have locks on my jewellery and personal items which I dont feel comfortable in removing, but DH believes this sends the wrong message and I should remove them.
Yes, you have a guilty disney
Yes, you have a guilty disney dad to work with.
You need to keep having calm and rational conversations with him. He's going to be defensive and argue with you. Your line should be that you want her to grow up and out of the house understanding how to respect someone and how to live with them. That does not include ignoring, meanness, and stealing. If she has a roommate, how will she know how to respect them? Does he disagree with this too?
And absolutely not, do not remove the locks! Has it solved your immediate issue? My DH thought my locks were overkill too, but it worked. My things stopped disappearing. The first time my makeup was taken he offered to pay me back to a tune of $80 - he was shocked - but I told him that it was quality, adult stuff, not for kids. Items removed from bathroom and installed in our bedroom after that.
And what "wrong" message does he think it sends? That you don't trust her? Well, buddy, no, she's proven to both of you she's not!
You're going to have a hard, hard time coming up if he doesn't get on top of this, and sadly, I don't see him doing so.
What came first? The Chicken or the egg? For answer see below.
"I've disengaged for a reason, but am being told my disengaging due to her behaviour is the issue."
You have said order and cause of the issue. Though what you have outlined and DH is in denial of is not wroing. It isn't the answer to the above core question.
In your chicken and egg problem, the answer of what came first is "The rooster". DH is the rooster, he did it with a stupid choice in breeding partner and is being an idiot parent. He thinks the issue with his toxic daughter's behaviors is your disengaging... due to her behaviors. Hmmmmm? Really? The issue with her stealing and lying, etc... if that you have disengaged?
Can anyone say... DUMBASS!
I completely agree with Survivingstephell above. "How dare he put the responsibility on you to "be the adult and eat his $hitsandwich". That's a big nope. He made the child, HE needs to parent her into a likable human being."
Absolutely what Survivingstephell said.
Do not reverse your disengagement, put a mirror in front of dipshitiot DH and scrub his nose in the stench of what he has bred. Point out that the issue is that he came with BM at all.