I’ve dreamed of freeing myself of my stepsons for at least 8 years. 

My original plan was to wait until Ss18 finished high school. 11 years I waited until the younger of the 2 was 18 and I would no longer feel obligated to do for them. I hoped Ss18 would change, that he’d respect house rules and function like a family. This was the only way I would have accepted DH dumping him on me to go on the road. Ss knew it and so did DH. 

I purchased our house because DHs 2 bedroom apartment didn’t accommodate the 5 of us comfortably. But once ss23 moved out and ss18 on the way out as well, I didn’t feel that staying in a 5 bedroom home was a smart idea. I had become resentful that ss18 didn’t go to school as evidenced by the continued failing report cards that were the trademark of his academic life, and I was financing his life. Dh had retired early and was in the process of going into his second career so that left me footing the bills.  I was also afraid that ss18 would fail to launch because of his defiance.

He was too comfortable and I knew that he would struggle to find and keep work because of his attitude towards authority. He stayed up all night on social media and live-streaming and ate all of the food and snacks, and slept during the day on the weekend and made sure to avoid us all. He barely interacted with us, deliberately. He left late to school daily, and did the bare minimum to help around the house. His phone, it seemed, was glued to his palm. He had an uncanny ability to eat and watch TikTok, something I tried to prohibit but DH never enforced. Given the circumstances I knew ss18 was likely destined for failure. However I did want him to prove me wrong and I hoped he would at least change and be better than Ss23. So goes the first crossroad. 

That went out the window when Ss18 took a left and he was allowed to drop out 2 months shy of graduation.  At that point I stopped DH from leaving unless he took his son with him or put him in jobcorp. I  needed them both to be out for my next move. I suspected that I only had a short window between the time SS left and the time someone became tired of his caca and kicked him out of the program. 

In that short window I moved out and downsized. I knew that if I missed my opportunity, SS would likely show up crying and begging me to keep him, even if his father was gone, and my bleeding heart would accept him. But I would be miserable again. I needed to cut my ties to the house for the time being. 

I was finally approved for a teeny studio. 

Unfortunately for DH, he totals his truck within 1 week after I found my new place so he moved in. This was a snafu I hadn’t considered. 

As if on cue, jobcorp then asks SS18 to leave to reevaluate if he is right for their program. 

In my original plan, DH would have been gone trucking, and  I planned on disengaging from his children during that time. I figured it would have been much easier if he was gone because if DH was not physically with me, then no one would or could expect me to help. 

This meant that for the holidays, if DH was out trucking, what would the SSs have done? Would they have wanted to reach out to me for holidays seeing as their father wouldn’t be around? I was curious to see how disposable I was, or if they would reach out to seek guidance or for my company, or if they would reach out only for gifts. Turns out they only ever reach out to me to ask for stuff, never really to see how’s it going with me or Dd8. They don’t text her either. We were disposable after all. 

I don’t know that I plan on getting Christmas gifts for them, maybe basic and practical gifts like I usually do. They are after all, still Dd8’s brothers. At this point, it would be both SSs, Ss23’s gf and step grandson. Now that Ss18 doesn’t live with me, ss23 wouldn’t have come around with the intentions of asking for stuff but pretending he was visiting SS18. Obviously I let him keep coming around the few times he did because of Ss18 and DH. Now that Ss18 is gone, I can meet them somewhere. We don’t have to meet at my place. We can meet outside and have lunch or at a park. Not my apartment. This was how I figured we’d start figuring it out while DH was gone. Except DH is back earlier than I anticipated. 

I have mentioned this before, but DH grew up in poverty, and he’s not from this country, so he didn’t celebrate Thanksgiving growing up, and Christmas for him was never a big deal. He’s not the type to be hyped up about holidays and he’s not a gift giver (not even with me or dd8, or his family). He’s more of a work, pay the bills, let the woman do the emotional work and holidays type. He will often help his family (mom and siblings) who often need help with the basics. 

I’ve been the one to plan birthdays, holidays, etc. DH has never planned any of the kids birthdays or has taken the initiative to go Christmas shopping. 

He works, he works out, he comes home to cook and clean. Those are his strong points. 

When it comes to the work of parenting, like discipline, homework checking, asking your kid how school was, enrolling in classes, knowing everyone’s schedule, I’ve learned the hard way that is his weak point. 

These are the first holidays where I am not living with BOTH SSs. I feel so free. My apartment, while tiny for the 3 of us, is peaceful, clean. I can leave my cash and cards out and not have to worry about remembering to hide them.

I can have intimacy without a stepkid around. It’s been more than 5 years that BM took SS18 (she’s homeless now). Dd8 has lots of friends and I have a big family. Dd normally stays with my parents on weekends. Dh has no immediate family in the states, and though he has a few friends, they’re not close to where SS stays over. SS didn’t have close friends either so he didn’t do sleepovers, and once Ss23 left, he never invited SS18 to sleep over. 

I missed my privacy. This is the first time I feel I control of my own life and space since I’ve been with DH. I really hope DH can respect my boundaries of not letting them know where I live until I’m good and ready.