You are here

I called it!

SMto3's picture

Submitted by SMto3 on Fri, 10/27/2023 - 7:17am

It took 4 months, but SS18 was asked to leave jobcorp so they can “reevaluate” if he is a good fit. DH picked me up from work yesterday and I could see something was off. He told me the counselor called and told him that SS18 isn’t necessarily “bad”, he just does things they are afraid other students may want to copy. They need to run the program a certain way and he can’t follow the rules. Exactly the issue I had with him, and the issues that will continue to happen to him. He thinks he is above following rules. He doesn’t want to work a regular job, he told me last year that he doesn’t have to be liked or follow rules, like I do. Well…joke’s on you now, kid! Let’s see how many friends he made, that will actually take him in.

I have to admit, I did give it some thought. Felt sorry for him last night, wondering where he would sleep. DH told me that he’s refusing to help him at all, he’s not planning on giving him anything and he said he spoke to ss23 to warn him against allowing ss18 to think he can stay with them. He said that he told Ss18 not to call me, or try to go back to the house, as there are tenants there now. He asked Ss if he wanted to go back to jobcorp and he said he did. So I’m guessing ss18 will stay with ss23 for now, until jobcorp decides what they want to do. 

This morning I got up to write about it and I began read posts. They reminded me of why I hated living with SSs. Especially the poster who is struggling with a thieving stepson, it just triggered me. 

I also realized that I won’t allow my guilt or kindness to make me act on anything. 

I told SS18 for years this was where he was headed. I knew this would happen, and this was part of why I downsized the way I did. 

Next up, SS23 to get tired of having SS18 living with him. Ss18 is going to dislike having to live with a new born crying baby, but he’ll do it as he would have nowhere else to go. When ss23 returns to work after his parental leave, that’s when things will hit the fan. His gf will hate having Ss18 there, and maybe SS23 will hate the idea of leaving his brother there with his gf and baby. Or who knows? Maybe it’ll work out for them, but I highly doubt it. I’m just glad he doesn’t know where I live, he would have showed up at my doorstep like I knew he would. 

Comments

Lillywy00's picture

Submitted by Lillywy00 on Fri, 10/27/2023 - 7:50am

Skids not following rules ....

Bioparents delusional about their "perfect angels" then acting dumbfounded when reality hits....

Sounds typical to me

SMto3's picture

Submitted by SMto3 on Fri, 10/27/2023 - 8:43am

I think he finally realized he can't help his son out much more. I suspect that he knows how crappy SS18 is, otherwise, he would not have warned SS23 not to take him in. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Fri, 10/27/2023 - 9:36am

At this point.. maybe your So could find out what SS18 might be able to do to return to Job Corp.. would a heartfelt apology letter be enough?  would he need to get counseling for his oppositional disorder?

Otherwise.. I might point SS18 at a military recruiter's office and tell him that is probably his last opportunity.. and he will need to figure out how to follow the rules in that environment!

SMto3's picture

Submitted by SMto3 on Fri, 10/27/2023 - 11:19am

I asked SO to ask SS to communicate with them, maybe ask for another shot. I at least hoped he would get his GED in jobcorp, but he doesn't have that so he can't even go to the military!

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Fri, 10/27/2023 - 12:16pm

Is not a good sign as they take anyone.  That's like failing preschool.   Massive failure to launch. 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Fri, 10/27/2023 - 9:27pm

SS Did this to himself.  He doesn't want to follow rules like everyone else have to, Wants to live life the way he wants..So let him.  He not moving in with you. DH has to stop give him by the rules  money he made.  SS can get a tent and live in the woods. 'Not your fault..Not your guilt. 

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Sat, 10/28/2023 - 4:03am

Sorry to offend but they have a name for people who don't want to follow any rules or live in a civilized society and are usually plagued by substance abuse.   And its usually "homeless."  We used to call them vagabonds, drifters, hobos or bums.  Today that are called "homeless, indigents and transients."  SS is speeding toward this "career path."

SMto3's picture

Submitted by SMto3 on Sat, 10/28/2023 - 5:46am

Said he told SS to start getting advice from his mom, since she's been homeless (though due to mental illnesss and not substance abuse). He said he told him to ask her which shelters are best to live in, since he is headed that way. 
All I can think is thank goodness I found tenants and am MIA for my husband's kids. They would have kept living off of me until forever and a day. 
DH never made much money, he would never have been able to afford a big house on his own. The boys each had their own spaces and misused it. 
The first SS would throw parties when I was asleep, and practically had a girl living with us. I knew he would get someone pregnant, though I didn't think it would take this long. He still struggles with not spending all of his money on weed, so let's see how long gf will take to get tired of it. Then again, she smokes too, so it might work. Then again, they do have a baby maintain now, so they can't smoke all their earnings away. 
ss18 always did bad in school, and I suspect he has Asperger's and/or ODD. He's going to struggle to find and maintain work because he's just a defiant person. 
The amount of times they stole/lied/disrespected my house rules ensured that I will never take either of them on again. 
I needed to leave my house for a bit and go into hiding so to speak because I know how tough life can get, and I don't want them to think living with me will ever be an option for either of them again. I need at least a year or 2 to get them used to the new norm, before I decide on my next steps. So relieved this didn't happen before I rented the house, I would have been stuck with ss18 again. 

grannyd's picture

Submitted by grannyd on Sat, 10/28/2023 - 4:47pm

Hey, SMto3,

I've followed your posts for years and, on numerous occasions, have suffered blood pressure spikes on your behalf. It infuriates me, Hon, that your husband happily used you and your resources until the time came (that he’d agreed upon!) where you refused to raise his adult losers any longer. 

When the work and stress of raising difficult stepsons threatened to affect your husband’s existence, he washed his hands of them to the point of relegating his younger son to life under a bridge. How nice for your husband, able to shirk his parental responsibilities ad infinitum! 

Oh, how I’d love to deliver one of Aniki's Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punches! In fact, I’ll bet the farm that I could sell many tickets to the event here on StepTalk.

 

SMto3's picture

Submitted by SMto3 on Sun, 10/29/2023 - 4:14pm

There is a part of me that is confused when it comes to DH. As evidenced by the 11 years of blogging, I communicated all of SS18's issues to DH but he was just never consistent with doing the work of parenting. As it stands, I do most of the heavy parenting work with DD8, and he follows what I ask him to do with her. For his first 2 kids, a big part of why they are where they are was definitely DH not following through with consequences, or even noticing the things they did (even though I made him aware every single time).I'm not sure why he didn't discipline, maybe it was too much "work" for him, or maybe it's because he never really had a father figure, and growing up, his mother did not discipline them. He's not from this country and I felt that he set the bar too low for his kids. One of his favorite things to say was that not everyone was cut out for college. I asked him not to say that around our daughter. 

 I made a vow to him I would help until the younger of the 2 was 18, but DH went and had his midlife crisis and I highly suspect it was also to get away from his life, more specifically SS18. I think it was the first time he saw a life of possibility for himself, and yes, it seems he was happy to get on that road. 

I will not tell him how to parent, though I did encourage him to speak to SS18 about going back to jobcorp as it seems shelter is his other option.  The way I am seeing it now, I'm about to see the all of the consequences of all of their lack of discipline. I'm thinking both boys will now come to the conclusion DH is refusing to help and maybe stop talking to him. I hope not, but it's possible. Though I don't think SS23 will have backbone to follow through since he can't save, and DH is probably the only adult who will help him. As it stands the gravy train has ended here with me for his boys. Until they change.

SMto3's picture

Submitted by SMto3 on Mon, 10/30/2023 - 11:10am

I highly doubt they will change, not with the how the wiring and environment was initially set up. I wasn't able to undo any of it, and DH was not always good with consequences for the disrespect towards my space and privacy. 
I hope they do change, but I won't hold my breath. I don't mind doing the heavy work for DD8, I don't let her get away with much, maybe because I fear that she may turn out like her brothers. I am a firm believer in instilling hard work (she's in after school), no devices on weekdays, respecting authority, and early sleeping. She would sometimes ask why SS18 was allowed to do certain things she wasn't and my response was always that that I'm not his mom. Now, it's just us.  Life has been a lot easier since I downsized.