Stepkid free, but DH looks like he wants to start sgrandkid mess
I finally got an apartment. Very tiny studio, perfect for myself and my daughter. SS23 had his baby last month, and true to form, has already asked to borrow money. I loaned him some, and I did it because if I know him as well as I do, he will avoid calling so as to avoid paying it. Buys me some time from his presence. Not sure why he still can't save, though he is on a leave, and should be getting FMLA, but according to him, they "spent it all" in the past month.
As for SS18, DH got a call from Jobcorp this week, stating that SS18 is lagging. DH was so fed up, he pretty much just said he can't stop what he's got going on to do anything for him. As per him, kid will be homeless if he keeps at it this way.
What I did ask DH was to not share my new address with his kids. I don't want them popping up unannounced, with the drama I can tell is already inevitable. The character traits that were issues as boys, are still things they are struggling with as young adults. SS23 still can't save and no one knows what he does with his money (except now he's someone's dad and is living with his baby mama). I give it a max of 2 years before that deteriorates. And SS18 still struggles with authority figure. I had that hiccup after SS18 left, but the truth is, I like being alone with DD8. The parenting experience seems so much easier.
As for DH, his truck is currently out of commission so he is staying with us (which is challenging since it's such a tiny space and I thought he would have been gone for longer, which is part of why I downsized), and it's been about a week now. Today he says "I need to spend some time with the grandson". I told him, you can, but you'd have to do it in their place. And further, I notified him that on the days he saw his grandkid, I'd be visiting some of my family (just so I don't get stuck babysitting).
I already helped with his first 2 kids, and it was pretty joyless, though we did have some good times and I do care about them. But I refuse to continue this saga. He can spend time with his grandson all he wants, but I want no parts of it.
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I don’t get it
You moved to your own apartment, to get away from all the drama or SKs . And you allowed DH to move in bringing all the drama with him.
I moved
Because I knew that if DH went on the road trucking, and left behind SS18, SS18 would try to come back and live with us once he gets kicked out of/drops out of job Corp. I also don't think ss23 will last with his baby mama (who he moved out to live with last year), and I foresaw that once he gets kicked out of gfs house, he will have tried to move back in. To avoid either one trying to move back in, and because DH was projected to be on the road most of the time, I downsized.
Don't let him SLIDE into your
Don't let him SLIDE into your peaceful home. If you let him stay too long, you'll have to evict him. Trust me. Drop him off at his house and let him figure it out like a big boy.
Why are you doing this?
Why are you doing this?
*your not married to him, correct?*
to clarify
DH and I are married, I decided to rent out my home because he retired from his first job and decided to go on the road trucking until he felt he had enough experience to work locally. In the meantime, I didn't want to stay with SS18 while he was out trucking, especially after he dropped out. My ultimatum to DH was to take SS18 on the road, because I no longer wanted to live with SS18, ESPECIALLY if DH wouldn't be home.
DH forced SS18 into jobcorp (because he obviously wasn't able to take him over the road). I found tenants for my house, and downsized to a studio (until I can find something else I'd like to buy that would accomodate myself and my daughter more comfortably). I don't plan on divorcing DH, I just don't want to deal with his kids anymore. He can choose to do so, I'm okay with that, but I don't want them in my home. At least not right now. I need some healing time after the past 11 years.
So it was always the plan for
So it was always the plan for him to stay there when he's not on the road? Good for you for taking control of YOUR house and renting it out. I hope you're bringing in more that your rent, and I hope he doesn't pull any shenanigans with trying to bring his kids there.
Yes and no
I was very clear with DH that I would help him with his kids, but not past the age of 18. I don't want to say DH had a midlife crisis, but he retired, and he did, and decided he wanted to be a trucker. I was supportive of it, until he told me he needed to go over the road to get the experience he wanted.
At that point, I told him that unless he takes SS18, I didn't see how it was fair for me to stay back with a kid that has issues with authority figures. I told him that he needed to wait until SS18 graduated from HS, but he dropped out in about April, 2 months shy of graduation (and DH was furiuos, but IMO he could also have done the hard work of parenting and prevented it). Once he quit school, I told DH he'd have to take him on the road because there was no way I saw myself staying with SS18. DH (with my suggestion), decided to put him in a trade school (jobcorp). However, knowing his kids these past 11 years, I figured that if I stayed in my house, they'd show up crying on my doorstep, and I didn't want that. Plus I figured DD8 and I don't need a huge space, more rooms just makes it more likely they will try to force their way back in.
DH knew this was my plan. I told him, I don't mind supporting him, but I refuse to support SS18 past HS, especially with the attitude/laziness/doing drugs in the room. If HE wanted to do it, I'm fine with it, but I couldn't wait until I was free of his kids.
Except now SS23 just had a baby last month....and DH already tried putting it out that he "needs to spend time with grandson". I told him, I'm fine with it....as long as it's not in my home. I can already foresee SS23 getting comfortable with that, and then trying to use us as babysitters. Not having it. Once I told DH he can go and spend time with his grandson, I'd go and spend some time with some of my family during that time...he said he was just speaking out loud, as he said there's not "much he can do" right now. I'm not sure if maybe he hoped I would tag along, and help him take care of his grandson, but I already did that with his first 2 kids, and it wasn't fun.
So yes, we weren't planning on divorce, and he was aware I wanted to downsize (I was the only one working this past year and a half), and the plan was always that he would come stay with us during his off times, until he could find local work that paid at a rate he was satisfied with. I just didn't think he'd ruin his truck so quickly and have to come stay with us full time.
Thanks for answering.
Thanks for answering.
Welcome
It's definitely a lot of backstory
Ugh. Why do these idiot
Ugh. Why do these idiot skids always reproduce. Please be vigilant about your boundaries. When my S.O.'s daughter had her baby it was a sh*t show of people literally jumping over everyone to do for her, give her $$ and tell her how wonderful she was for starving herself her entire pregnancy (looked like drug use to me but what do I know) and having a severely underweight infant (the entire family is delusional when it comes to Princess). My S.O.'s head was literally spinning and his eyes were rolling and he couldn't write her checks fast enough.
In my stepson’s case
It looks like the girl isn't close to her family, but at least her dad allowed her his apartment in the projects so she doesn't have to pay much rent or light, but I do think she was very naive to have a child with Ss23. I'm sure they might even have baby number 2 before they call it quits. Ss23 couldn't hack it living with us, and I thought he had it pretty good. Parenthood is a whole new ballgame.
I helped with the gender reveal because I know he doesn't have the mom that will help, but that was the extent of it for me. I'm not the babysitting type as was proven during mine and DHs entire relationship.
Agreed- I have ZERO interest
Agreed- I have ZERO interest in babysitting SKIDs' future kids- literally no appetite. I think that could easily be one of their angles for having future power struggles - NOPE. I'll just watch from the sidelines. Not changing diapers, not watching for certain days of the week, nothing. DH can suggest gifts or presents for future grandkids, I am sitting that one out too.
Definitely would not want
To be in a house with SS.. When DH was away.[it's hard enough to live with someone. Much harder with two] I can understand what you are doing. But if DH isn't making money doing over the road trucking. There something wrong. I hear this true of work. Away from home. Are looking for drivers all the time.
When I said DH’s truck
Is out of commission....he flipped it. I'm always wary of posting too many details but here goes. In my opinion, DH did things ass backwards. He retired June 2022. He had first taken a leave to try trucking, and he liked it, so he made a decision to retire. I was okay with that.
Where I disagreed with him is that he took his 401k and bought a tractor without any real experience. He had only had about 3 months experience tops when he bought it. Obviously he had trouble finding work, because he lacked the obligatory 1-2 years of experience. So there went our original plan of him working locally (though sometimes I wonder if in his head, he wanted to go on the road all along).
He decided that over the road would be easier, and more money, but I was firm in that he wasn't going away and leaving me SS18. So he got him in the trade school in June and found work August.
2 months later (last week), he gets loaded wrong and his truck flipped. Insurance is calling it a total loss, so he's lucky that he's essentially getting back the money he put into buying the truck. So yea, even though we planned he would be staying with me, it wasn't expected he was to be home often with us because he was expected to be over the road (thus a tiny studio).
But I should have figured this would happen. He only had about 5 months total experience when he started working this job. Hopefully now he will consider company work, instead of trying to rush the process.
I like how you set those
I like how you set those boundaries (boundaries that typical Disneyland parents act like they're incapable of putting in place).
Good for you on downsizing so adult skids can't take over indefinitely.
I have not been
This happy since I met DH. I realize that having a peaceful home is my new definition of success. Where you sleep and live should be a place of solace and love. Maybe eventually I'll move back into my house, or maybe I'll sell it eventually (though I just want to keep it for my daughter). For now, my new goal is to maintain a peaceful home for me and DD8. That was never possible with DH's kids. Their mom screwed them up so much, they never really got to trust me or be loving towards me. I don't doubt that they care for me, but I came to understand that it's not on me to save/change them. I really did try my best these past 11 years but looking back, I don't know that it was ever worth my peace. I tolerated them because I love DH, but his lack of parenting really shows with them. After being on steptalk, I realized how much of my dislike for the kids and the issues we had were really DH's fault, for not parenting. I refuse to go the same route with DD8. Being in a smaller space isn't a big deal to me now. I had to tell DD8 that it's not the size of the home but how much love you have in it that matters. In my home, I am trying to teach love, honestly, integrity, consideration of each other, cleanliness and peace. All things that didn't stick with DHs kids. I hope I can get it right this time around.
Something that worries me
Please change the locks on your house if you haven't already done so. You were with your DH for long enough for your skids to have a key. You really don't want them to claim squatters rights ...
I don’t know much
About squatters rights, but SS23 moved out April of 2022 to live with his girlfriend. Ss18 is in a residential program in jobcorp since June. They are both aware that we left the house, and that there are new tenants there (who have most likely changed the locks). I told them for years that I was waiting for the younger SS to age out to downsize because I never thought it was fair to me to foot a bill for boys who want to engage in grown up things without grow up responsibilities. Dh was working odd hours so they got away with a lot. I kept saying I would downsize but I don't know how much any of them believed me. They knew every step of the process, and SS18 was still living with us when I was showing the house to possible tenants.
The new tenants have moved in since August. I don't think either SS is smart to even know about squatter's rights, let alone go through the process of retaining a lawyer for said purpose. House is under my name, not DH. DH does own an apartment though, occupied. They don't know my new address, and they won't know until I give DH the go ahead. I don't want them popping up unannounced, and I'm even considering leaving the state.