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Issues with my partner and son

Strebor's picture

Submitted by Strebor on Thu, 09/07/2023 - 7:02am

Forums: 
Blended Family Issues

I have been living as part of a blended family since January, had a few issues in the beginning but all ironed out now and things going well...until now.

I feel as if my partner has an issue with my son (12), I will admit that he can be pain, he is a lovely child but very messy, breaks things easily, doesnt seem to register with him about caring for things, hard to settle down of an evening etc (not sure if its worth noting he has been referred by his school for ADHD). These things annoy my partner and he will then and have a go at me in his annoyance as if its me who has done whatever has annoyed him, on the back of this I do tell my son off and try to make sure he tidy's up after himself and looks after his things as he needs to repect the house he lives in. The thing is all the kids can make a mess and break things (granted he is probably the worst one of them all!) but it always seems to be my son who he is annoyed by the most. 

My partner made a comment to me this week during an argument that i treat my son differently to everyone else, even my own daughter and i'm not sure where to go with this. I do treat them differently in the respect that they are very different and have different needs, my daughter is quite independant but she is at an age (14) where she is a very typical teenage girl, my son on the other hand has always been close to me espcially when i lived on my own he always comes to me for a hug hugs and still likes to come with me if i go anywhere, this can also annoy my partner if we just want to go for a drink in the local pub my son also wants to usually come. 

Can anyone offer any advice on what to do with this or how to manage it? Am i taking this personally? I do try to treat all the kids the same but at the same time, 4 of them aren't mine and although i will tell them off they dont get told off the same way i tell my own kids off, is this something i need to change and work on?

thanks for any advice

 

 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Thu, 09/07/2023 - 9:19am

But someone stealing time from him. If he has ADHD He has to be a handful..  after a day of work SO wants adult time with you. Wants to play with you.  Not deal with a 12 yo ADHD kid. Doing what ever.  Where is your DS father.  Why isn't he having DS stay with him on weekends..Holidays..the summer ..

Your SO didn't sign up for being the main parent to a difficult kid    Your SO not getting his adult time with you. What you own him. Makes him blame yoir DS. for your lack of support for SO 

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Thu, 09/07/2023 - 9:52am

Sounds like you leaned on your son for support when single and that's not healthy for either of you.  Partner had expectations for living with an adult/ partner, not a parent taking advantage of them.  You think you aren't but put yourself in their shoes.  Your son is an easy target when the real problem is you and your priorities.   The relationship should come first as a priority with kids your first responsibility.   Meditate on that concept.  

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Thu, 09/07/2023 - 12:24pm

Have you had your son evaluated for ADHD? It that truly is his problem, and he gets it under control, that will probably go a long way to helping things with your SO. And while it is fine for your son to accompany you places some of the time, you need to allow time for just you and your SO go out - especially to places like a pub.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Thu, 09/07/2023 - 7:19pm

I see both sides.  An SO who expects to be the priority for you.  A special needs kid.

IMHO, the solution is in the middle.  Hold your SS acountable, expect him to be 12.   A 12yo can be home for a few hours alone while you and SO have some couple time out of the home.  SO needs to partner with you in raising a special needs child. Not blame you and undermine you.

PB's picture

Submitted by PB on Sat, 09/09/2023 - 5:56am

Strebor, please...

Please dont do that to your partner. I am exactly the same position as your partner is. We need you and the time alone with you. We need to just be alone some days a week with our partner. We dont want to be with SD every day when we come back from work. Please understand him. He loves you, that doesnt mean  he should see your kids everyday. Please spend some time just with your partner, they deserve this...

Strebor's picture

Submitted by Strebor on Mon, 09/11/2023 - 5:21am

Thanks for all your replies and perspective. My partner has 4 children, 15, 13, 9 and  6 who are with us 50/50, my 2 are with us majority of the time and stay in their dads for 2 nights every 6 days so its not very often that their arent kids with us! I suppose my son gets jealous as I now spend a lot of time with the 6 year old and it could be possible he plays up for attention so i need to have a think about this and the best way to deal with it. I think i need to be a bit fimer with him from now on. He hasnt been diagnosed with ADHD but has been referred. 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 09/12/2023 - 10:57am

it is perfectly fine to tell the X that the kids will not be visiting, even when it is scheduled visitation time, upon occassion.

No is a complete communication and perfectly acceptable.

Make time for your DH and your marriage, or.... accept the consequences.

Take care of you.