I feel broken
The fact is, I am a verbally abusive partner. The crap I have said to my DH is abhorrent. He has done the same back to me. Though is more quiet in his style of filleting me. I am proud of myself for being a fighter and standing up for myself, rather than sobbing in a corner. But as time goes on, I realize both fighting and sobbing each leave me feeling the same way--broken.
Being with my DH when we are both treating each with respect and love makes every moment of the day feel like a tropical vacation. Our kids skate around on our magic and blossom before my eyes. They are happier when we are in love. Our love shines when it shines.
Yet during the other times, when ss23 or sd16 have even the smallest space in our conversation or mental presence in our home, I feel I am being eaten alive by my dh's life. I feel swallowed whole by his already established social and economic life, and like I am slowly being digested in his detail's stomach acids. I used to be an incredible crocodile, fierce and beautiful with skin so tough nails couldn't hurt it. But I have been swallowed whole by an anaconda and my skin is now like putty after years of sitting in acid.
I don't even know who I am anymore. But I am absolutely ashamed of the things I have said in anger to my DH. My anger occurs weekly at worst and at best occurs every 10 days.
I grew up in a home of constant conflict. From older siblings fighting amongst eachother to my parents' screaming matches. Maybe my DH isn't to blame? Maybe I am broken on my own?
I don't keep my DH from his other kids. He visits them when he wants to visit. He often has a beer or two with his son and takes his daughter out to eat. I tell my ds5 that he is always welcome to visit his half-siblings, but that I don't want to. I explain to ds5 that they may be good to him, but they have not been good to me. I am embarrassed how much I have let my ds5 hear me bemoan my skids. He should never have to hear me upset about it. He deserves a more stable home.
But I am just in so much pain and so tired. I have taken on the responsibility of our kids to the point where I only work nights, so I am always available and "on duty." I am sleep deprived and I have real physical pain on a daily basis from interrupted sleep. My DH gets very annoyed if I don't keep the house tidy. His definition of "tidy" is:
1) everyone's laundry done and put away,
2) the kids' next day outfits laid out if I have to work that night
3) The kitchen island empty, the kitchen clean and wiped down. The dishes put away.
4) the week's groceries bought and put away
5) The floors swept and vacuumed, all the toys put away.
6) If I manage to get the living room and kitchen tidy, then he expects more: our bed made in the bedroom, our bathroom wiped down. Next, tidying the garage. It never ends.
Sometimes when he helps, he is cheerful about helping. Other times, he is brooding and has a frown. He claims that I am "distracting" him from work. I told him that I won't take on anymore overnight contracts, but that he is responsible for earning all the money. And that he can't make me feel guilty about sending our dd2 to part-time daycare, because I gave up my monthly "allowance" and my date nights to even out the budget.
Just last night after me getting angry with DH about how I crave definition from the skids, he flippantly told me, "You'll never be happy about anything," and then disappeared from 1PM til 9PM. He had the joy of hanging out with sd16 at lunch, then with mutual friends, then with one of his "father figures." He is literally surrounded by support. Not me. I did not get to go decompress from our life and fury. I cared for our children. It was natually assumed I would. And I did.
I am trying to be forgiving of myself, but I am beginning to feel that no matter how swallowed up I feel, how much pain I'm in, I won't be able to forgive myself in the future. If I can't magically reform that tough crocodile skin, in the acid of my current circumstances, I will break completely. I will get lost in a real deal, can't get out of bed depression. My sweet children deserve me even if my dh does not.
The moment I detect a "you chose this" or "they are your responsibility" or a "you just cant be happy" attitude from my dh, I feel an intense rage. I MUST figure out how to put that energy towards something useful that benefits myself and not just my dh's ideal version of myself or his home.
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I can related to so much of
I can related to so much of what you're saying. My DH and I have a wonderful relationship, until his kids or extended family are involved. We've gone full no contact witht the extended family because the more we distanced from them, the more we realized that they were the only true stressor on our marriage. It will be harder for you, though, because your SKs are younger (mine are 30 and 32). But please know that everything you're feeling is valid and you're not a bad person. What you said about how your feelings felt like it could have come from my own mouth, including the previously thick skin. I'm so sorry. Would your DH consider counseling? It's been bery helpful to us.
Sadielady, thank you for
Sadielady, thank you for saying I'm not a bad person. Sometimes, I do wonder what's become of me!
I'm happy to report that my DH and I, at his suggestion, are attending counseling once every two weeks. I really feel better since we have been in counseling. But just progress, not completely better or whole again.
So often things and people in
So often things and people in our life are a mixed bag. People will say I love my husband when x,y,z, skids aren't around, but when a,b,c happens, I am miserable. I'm sure your husband has both good and bad qualities (after all it would be much easier if he was 100% bad right?). You've mentioned he makes decent money, but he's cheap. You've said he's good with your kids, but wants you to do all the heavy lifting. He works hard but is always gone etc...
It's up to each of us to monitor our own situation and decide if the good outweighs the bad. DOES the good outweigh the bad for you? If not then you need to try to tip the scales in your favor. Will he agree to counseling? Can you have a discussion with him about the household work, the childcare burden, the amount of time he spends away from the home? Or is he not interested in hearing it? I truly believe no one will ever be 100% the person we need but there's a point you have to get to where it makes staying worth it. From how miserable you sound you aren't there.
Would your husband maybe be willing to change if divorce was put on the table? To be honest, any man who is willing to send his kids to Costa Rica doesn't seem like he really cares at all about them (and Im speaking from someone married to a man whom I believe also doesn't care all that much what happens to his kid). Wouldn't he miss them? Also the way he treats/speaks to you doesn't bode well for your relationship. I think based on those things alone, I'd be making my exit.
Yeah, i don't get how the
Yeah, i don't get how the Costa Rica thing will work. Would DH send OP and the kids there and pay for everything? If OP is getting job training for a trade, how will that work? Will she work in Costa Rica?
I also am wondering what kind
I also am wondering what kind of marriage you have if you take your children and move away from your husband??? he is onboard with OP leaving? or does she think he will go with her? (which he won't in all reality.. he will not want to move from the rest of his family).
Costa Rica, OK, so let me
Costa Rica, OK, so let me explain about Costa Rica. We have never had a vacation in the last 7 years of our life together. Or is it 8 years? Anyway..so we have decided to go to Costa Rica. I am trying to blend his retirement hopes with a goal of a unique family culture and life experience for my children. Mostly, I want my children who love being outdoors to experience the flora and fauna of a place declared as the "happiest" on earth. The plan is that my children will be in public school for the fall semester, and then we will travel as a family to CR in the winter after Christmas (when the rainy season is coming to an end in CR). My DH will come with us for two or three months, and allow his seasonal business to be slower rather than taking on extra work outside of his speciality. Then, after two or three months, DH will return to the US. The kids and I will head back to the US in May in time for the good weather where we live. DH will only be away from his other nearly grown children for 2 or 3 months. I feel this is fair as they are so much older.
I expect, though, that after we first visit, DH will want to stay longer and longer durations until he is down there with us for the entire 5 or 6 months. I hope he is open to us renting out our home while we are away. I think he is. He has mentioned that in the past.
Idk how much you work, but if
Idk how much you work, but if you work at all, your DH's expectations of your "home chores" are too much. It sounds like you alternate between feeling bad for either not working and being a "gold digger" (i think i saw that in your other posts) or for not doing enough around the house if you work. The thing is, a "gold digger" would never sign up to do all the home chores and all the childcare. An aspiring gold digger would ensure she had people for that so she could shop and exercise and have drinks with her friends all day.
If you stay, you have to learn to not give a shite about what the skids or DH's family or friends say about you. A true SAHM who does everything around the house and all the childcare is a damn hard worker. Trying to do everything and be everything will burn you out and drive you crazy. Trying to please or gain the respect of everyone will drive you crazy. There has to be a fair division of labor that both spouses agree on and fk everyone else. The skids and probably people from DH's old life will probably never like you no matter how much you work yourself to the bone and drive yourself crazy.
I agree. I do work, but
I agree. I do work, but contract-based. I work overnights where I get to sleep some as a private in-home caretaker. But my sleep is disrupted sometimes every hour or two at worst. I do get burnt out. I was always seen as someone who would accomplish so much. I have older siblings who did not have the priviledges I did of college, and they are pretty brutal towards me. They see me as someone who wasted "dad's" money, even though I earned most of my money for college through scholarships. But ever since graduating high school, I have wanted nothing more than to turn away from accomplishment and simply experience my life. I am a SAHM in the fullest sense of the term. My kids are ahead in school, are happy, well-adjusted. My house is tidy. I do all the laundry, the dishes, all organization, etc. DH makes breakfast in the morning and we both walk our son to school. So DH does help. He will put away dishes. But I often catch him being silently resentful as he does these things. He has a sourness to his face because he is doing "my job."
I am perfectly fine with doing all the housework and management if my DH will earn all the money. He has so many times made me feel guilty for not bringing in money. This is a big topic in counseling for us. I have told him over and over that I simply cannot do it. I cannot earn and manage the home. I need sleep.
If putting away dishes and
If putting away dishes and walking your son to school with you makes him resentful then he needs a damn good kick up his arse. Does he think you are his servant? That being involved with his family is demeaning? Who TF does he think he is? Does he want his children growing up not knowing who he is? That they think he is just that guy who gives mum a hard time?
Counselling ASAP!
It must be difficult for both
It must be difficult for both you and your DH.. you full realize you are participating in the toxicity.. your DH is also being toxic in many ways too.
It also must be hard for you to be in a relationship with a man who has family that you don't get along with.. that you dislike (and seems mutual).
It also sounds like your community is fairly small.. so you will not be able to totally avoid things when it comes to these kids.. people make comparisons.. etc..
The thing is.. that there are things you can change.. things you cannot. You also can try to understand that people probably don't have the intent to offend you by drawing a comparison in looks.. and like most meaningless small talk.. a "oh.. I hadn't noticed.. " and change the subject.. or thank you for the change.. or nice seeing you.. bye.
It's even ok to say things.. like "Oh.. we aren't super close.. they live their own lives".. when someone asks about the adult kids... etc...
But... it also sounds like your DH would benefit from some understanding of how much you do work.. and that he needs to have realistic expectations of what you can and cannot accomplish.
But.. if your goal is to leave him.. def work on your skills.
If your DH wants tidy house
If your DH wants tidy house 24/7, he could clean or hire a cleaning person. You are not a maid.
^^^^100%
^^^^100%
You are sleep deprived. You still need 8 or so hours of sleep,
You are sleep deprived. You still need 8 or so hours of sleep, even when you work all night. If you work at night, you need to sleep during the day, not clean house. It sounds like you both work full time, only you do it at night. Therefore, household responsibilites should be shared 50/50 - or hire someone to do them. Don't underestimate how a lack of sleep can effect your whole outlook on life. I worked shift work for years and the only way I successfully did it was by sleeping enough, even if it was during the day.
Exactly. I am wondering when
Exactly. I am wondering when I am going to start hallucinating. lol...but seriously, even though the money is good and I get to help others, I am done after this contract. I simply cannot handle it. I actually called in work for two nights because I was sick. Normally, I would go anyway. But I craved sleep. This particular contract has been very difficult with waking every 1 to 2 hours in a 10 hour shift, plus random family members of the person I care for waking in the middle of the night to grab snacks from the kitchen. Open concept house, lights on, you get the picture. It is horrifying as night approaches to know that my sleep will be interrupted by someone getting a bowl of cereal. No amount of money is worth that pain.I only have a few weeks left in this contract, and then I am closing my business or making it consultation only.
DH has suggested hiring his stepsister and her friend to clean. His stepsister is in poor health, and I really don't like the idea of family cleaning my home. Family gossips, even if it is well intentioned.
DH often gives me financial whiplash. He offers to pay for things one week, and then two weeks later he gives me a speech about how he understands finances better than me (because he is in financial distress and that is his attitude when he is burdened financially). My DH has a lot of property and a business that works. However, he has $500,000 in mortgage and business debt. Me? I have $4,000 in cc debt and $12,000 left in student loans. I have a 765 credit score. His is 800. I don't think it is useful or fair to say either one of us is poor with money. But if it is being judged by debt alone, he certainly wins the title of "most".
Household responsibilities will not be split 50/50. I can guarantee that. So that's why I am pulling back and allowing him to earn all the money. He wants the glory of being a traditional male provider, anyway. So I'll let him. My way of helping besides caring for the kids and home is to not ask for a lot. I drive an old used car. I wear used clothing. I cut my own hair. My biggest expense honestly is probably craft supplies, because I love to paint.
One of our huge problems has always been him threatening to kick me out of his house that he built. I had an epiphany the other day. I have spent more time in and on this house than he has. I have spent more time in and on this house than anyone in his "first" family has. I have made this house a home and I maintain it daily. This is MY home. I don't care if he gets it in the prenup agreement. So long as we are not divorced, this is MY home.
With regard to feeling
With regard to feeling "broken" - I can relate to that! You mention that you grew up in a home with a lot of conflict. One of the first things I learned in therapy is that people repeat the patterns that are familiar to them. Because to the brain, familiar = safe. Even if it's toxic or destructive, your brain identifies it as "safe" because it knows how to handle it, it's done it hundreds of times before. Breaking those patterns can be incredibly frightening because healthy relationship dynamics feel unfamiliar and therefore dangerous. So of course, if you grew up with yelling and screaming as a way to address conflict, you're going to default to that when you're most upset. It's not a good thing, but it is a very understandable thing! And the fact that you recognize this in yourself is such a great step in the right direction.
Are you in therapy? If not, I think that would be a good start. If you are, I think this would be a good time to discuss the possibility of EMDR with your therapist. The build-up of rage that is triggered when you perceive criticism from your DH is exactly the type of pattern that EMDR is meant to interrupt. I'm happy to share my experience with it further if you'd like, but from what you've said, I think it could benefit you a lot.
EMDR, I have not heard of
EMDR, I have not heard of that. I would love to hear more about your experience. I did buy a DBT stack of cards which I practice. I should practice with it daily, but I don't. Thank you for your supportive response. I seriously love steptalk! People just get me, here.
I feel you!
I feel you!
Many of these maladjusted men pretend not to understand the work it entails to manage the household with kids AND the husband then act dumbfounded when they don't get the intimacy they desire because they were under-earning and overworked their wives.
Housewife should never = houseslave but to many men who try to provide for the household .... this is the exact position they put their wives in whether they realize it or not.
Stop doing all that housework and make him do his half (or either pay to hire someone or increase your allowance) since you both work. That 'tidy up list' he gave you.....slide it right back to him and let him do it at least once so he FULLY understands the effort and time you contribute to the house.
If he doesn't want you working then HE absolutely MUST earn livable wages for to support entire family (and hire help). Sit down with him and do budget meetings to make sure he understands the costs for the kids, the household maintenance, and financial investment in you.
Don't ever give up your needs (financial security, emotional support, etc) while taking on more of his demands/needs (extra unpaid houselabor)
Also be careful telling too many details to your kiddos. It may bring unnecessary stress on them and theyre too young to even do anything about it or help you.
Is there an anchor tied to your DH's idiot ass?
With the list of home and family duty obligations he is expecting your to fulfill, the answer is obviosly yes to the anchor tied to his ass question.
Stop punishing yourself. He is as much if not more to blame for all of this than you are.
He is the failed family breeder, he is as abusive towards you and likely initiates it based on how defensive you come accross.
Time to rip his balls off and let him know that he is done and on the hook for a shit ton of CS for a decade+ if he does not man up, make his wife the priority in his life and his young child the top kid responsibility. Having beer and meals with his failed family SKidults is not even on the RADAR screen compared to the needs of his/your 5yo.
He is used to having his balls controlled by the Skidults, so take that power away from him and them, get back on a professional schedule, focus on your career and your child.
If idiot DH pulls his head out of his ass, great. If not... Buh-bye to him and his shallowed and polluted failed prior family gene pool. Protect yourself and your child from him and them.
Take care of you.