Disappointed in Venice Florida
I am married 10 years together 16 with my husband and we have 4 adult children together raging in age 37 - 32. My son, age 34, is marrying a woman who happens to be a cancer survivor that he's been with 10 years and his step brother & step sister have both been invited. We did not raise the children together but my son thought it respectful to me and to my husband that they be invited to the wedding. We recently learned that neither are attending citing "work" and that their Dad should understand because he missed much of their childhood citing work. Further to this they are hurt becuase they have asked for a sizable down payment on property and their father has declined that request & they have chosen this event to make their point. Needless to say I am livid & husband is embarrassed. My husband has reached out to both of his children but his daughter won't return his calls and his son has decided he will attend if he's in town & it's not an inconvenience to his wallet. I reallize that this is not my husbands fault but I am soooo hurt and disappointed in these two adults. Has anyone else had to deal with this? I won't let this ruin a beautiful day but honestly I don't know how they expect the relationship that I have with them to go forward the way it has so I guess that's what I am venting about. I've always been kind and welcoming and their behavior is just selfish and directed incorrectly at me and my children.
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Let That Go
You state you did not raise the kids together. Your son did this out of respect to you and your DH. The person to be upset would be your son so if there wasn't much of a relationship between your son and the SKs, his invite was strictly to honor you and your DH and nothing more. (If there is more to the story, please clarify). The question I have...is your son upset?
I did not attend DHs oldest son's wedding, even though I was invited. DHs kids were never invited to my kids' events/celebrations and if there are weddings on my side, DHs kids will not be invited. As you, our kids were not raised together. And DHs kids have been nothing but trouble since I've known them. So, we keep everything separate.
Trust me...this is nothing unusual in StepHell. The Passive Agressive moves by adult SKs, antics and just being down right ugly come with the territory. Personally, I'd be thrilled they turned down the invite...now you can enjoy the wedding without worrying if they will try to do more petty stuff.
Going forward, skip invites to DHs kids. Or if you do invite, expect a "no" so you won't be hurt. Distance yourself and if you do things for these people, then stop. Don't need to confront, just stop and make your relationship with them civil but superficial. Search "disengagement" on the site.
I agree with CajunMom. If
I agree with CajunMom. If your son only invited them as a courtesy, and you didn't raise your kids together, there isn't much of a relationship there, so no harm, no foul. You won't blend families with adult skids since there was no relationship formed during childhood. At this point, you are DH's wife and that's it.
If you are frustrated about the "tit for tat" relationship that skids seem to have with your DH, that is his issue to manage. He needs to set the expectation that skids won't just come around when it's convenient or they need something. It sounds like DH has come to expect this from skids and responds accordingly (like refusing to give $$ toward down payment).
Going forward, just focus on you and your bios. Don't worry about inviting skids to holidays or family events.
Its super hard to watch
Their mother probably did some Parental alienation activity, turning the skids against their own father. Its unfortunately very common.
They sound like immature entitled bratolas.
Using your innocent bios as the scape-goat/whipping post for their bad feelings towards their father.
Im sorry you are going through this.
As the song says LET IT Go.
As the song says LET IT Go. You can't change them.
On my son's big day, YSD and H declined the invitation and went to an air show instead.
(adding - no gift, not even a card)
It may hurt to discover your
It may hurt to discover your husband's kids don't value the connection the way you do, but they did give gifts: the Golden Ticket of knowing how they really feel, and being freed from having to try with them anymore. No more pretense, yay!!! IMO, that's far more valuable than anything on the wedding registry.
Your kids and skids are
Your kids and skids are people who have no real connection .. are at best distant relatives who aren't attending. Your son made the gracious gesture that did not exclude them.. but not every invitation can or will be accepted. They claim other obligations.. when pressed reminded your DH that he put work first many times when they were growing up.
They haven't (per your post).. been rude to your children and should have felt little obligation to attend.. especially if they had other obligations.. or financial constraints.
Declining an invitation, in itself, is not rude. There may have been some underlying reasons why they did't want to see your DH.. but I think he was wrong to pressure them.. and it was wrong to push them.
Not everyone is as excited about celebrating other people's special events.. even family. You should go.. enjoy the wedding.. and celebrate with those that are able to be there. TBH.. I think it's a bit self centered to make this all about you/your son.. people aren't obligated to attend every thing.. even if invited.. by family.. extended semi family in this case.
I'm sure that his kids have no ill will.. just that their resources.. whether it be time off.. whatever.. they prefer to use it differently.. this is their choice and doesn't mean they are rejecting or hate anyone.
If the skids aren't there,
If the skids aren't there, there is no chance for drama from them. I could see them pouting and confronting their father and making a scene. How embarrassing would that be?! Best thing is they declined. They think they are hurting you but truth is , this is a blessing.
I wouldn't give this a second
I wouldn't give this a second thought. It was a courtesy invitation - it sounds like your son doesn't care if they attend; he invited them out of respect for you and your marriage. These kids weren't raised with your son and and don't consider themselves family, so I don't think it's unreasonable if your husband's kids politely decline. I think work is a perfectly valid excuse. However, there's no need for them to use this occasion to point out to your DH that he wasn't there for their childhood because of work or to tie this event to the downpayments your DH refused to supply (if they did in fact use the invitation as a springboard to complain about that - unclear from your post). These are issues between them and your DH, not related to your son or his wedding. Does your son care? If not, I'd let it go as far as the wedding is concerned. It sounds like his kids are upset with your husband for a variety of reasons, and I'd let that be between them and him and stay out of it.
FWIW, my dad's mother divorced his father and remarried once the kids were over 18 and out of the house. Her new husband also had adult kids. My dad never even met her husband's kids - not once - notwithstanding that everyone lived within an hour's distance. I don't think anyone cared.
I agree with what everyone
I agree with what everyone has said above.
If this tantrum is all the toxic SKidults have to punish daddy
for declining to make the sizable down payment they are begging for... then good riddance to their absence at your DS's wedding.
Never lament when the toxic morons think that them being absent is a punishment.
You and your DH enjoy your DS's wedding. Be there for your son and for each other. SS and SD being gone, is a win.
Don't forget that.