Thank you, I am very disengaged and it does cause a lot of hardships with everyone because it comes off as cold. Ie: I take the Skids to school and get them ready in the morning but I quit all other forms of babysitting. At the end of this school year I made goodies for my bio kids but not my Skids, and everyone says I treat them unfairly. My response is "when they can be respectful to me and my kids ("you", when it's a bio kid asking) then I'll naturally be more considerate but it's nothing intentional. 

Thank you for the input. We have had a camera up, at first it was looking outside to see if the ex was driving by when my husband was granted 90% custody (we were afraid of the ex because she had stated in the police report that she held the Sdad at gunpoint when discovering that the kids were being molested and the weapon was never recovered, he was and still is a felon and she has been admitted for MH reasons in the past, so no one in that house should have had access to a gun plus she was pissed off at my husband for allowing the judge to make that decision). Once the Skids were with us full time things started "disappearing" from my and my kids rooms, so we bounced the camera around from room to room (my bio kid gave permission) and despite seeing the 11yo in our rooms, claimed she wasn't stealing just looking and despite finding our things in her room she always said "we forgot we have it to her", my husband has always taken her side. I believe in natural consequences, I've disengaged a lot, I've stopped being alone with the kids (except in the mornings, I have to take them to school) that includes doing the fun things, I have a firm boundary when it comes to respect. Things are changing slowly, the Skids are not allowed in our room anymore without supervision (the BM claims the kids found drugs in our bathroom, we find and throw away vape pens and cartridges when we find them on our walks, but Skids admitted that mom asked them to snoop through our stuff, since this was an attack on my husband he banned the kids.) My husband hasn't pressed charges against the pervert, the BM is doing all that. My husband has started the kids in therapy (a year+) and the ex wife (bachelor's in psychology) believes the kids don't need therapy so she doesn't take them and berates me on FB saying that I must have stockholder/shares in counseling because my husband and I have been in therapy since we were together (obviously lies). So we are just combating that at the moment and trying to provide a stable and safe home here. I do record conversations with the Skids, I've been feeling crazy! Turns out I'm just being gaslighted on a daily basis. The 14yo doesn't come to our house as much, as I said, she's a mini BM and my husband can't handle the abuse and attitude and impulsive attacks on the rest of us when she doesn't get her way. At BM's house there are no boundaries, no bedtimes, no restrictions on electronics, she spends the weekends at friends houses. I've had my issues with my husband about allowing the BM to makeup whatever schedule she wants despite the court order and the lack of supervision while the kids are with her. I'm trying to be understanding. He's used CPS, sheriffs, court, lawyers.... essentially they can't make the BM show up at 7pm on Sunday with the kids, they can't ensure she picks them up from school on Friday, they can't stop her long ranting texts. I still think he should file a motion for contempt but it is his life. He's been through a lot and is a decent person who's learning the hard way. 

I agree! I do go to therapy once a week and we see a family counselor also. We are learning! I've had to do a full "lockdown" on everything you mentioned, and I just hear constantly from my husband that his kids don't feel welcome here. The BM makes every petty attempt to bring me into the drama and "prove" her kids are alienated: "why does your wife take her kids to the pool and not her SKids?" And in the same breath "they don't have to listen to her if she's not being reasonable." I think my husband has this mentality that because he works I should take care of his kids.... I used to be fine with it, once his kids started being rude and lying about the things I said and did, I started distancing myself and giving the responsibility to him. It's crazy because he will literally treat me and his kids like children, like we are on the same level. He has said things like "I don't believe either of you, I don't care what this is about, it only matters how you two communicate with each other and neither of you are good at it." Yea, I'm not sure how to respond to an 11yo who is lying to my face and telling me to be quiet and stop interrupting when I interject to her false claim. I have no authority I can give no timeouts or consequences because I've excused myself from the parenting of those two. Looney town!

Thank you! It means a lot to know I'm not alone. I have blocked BM, she mostly sends messages to me through my husband now (in the past she has texted me through Skids devices, email or social media despite me asking her to stop contacting me indefinitely). It used to make me feel awful when my husband saw the kids without me, or stepped away to talk to them privately, I felt denied and wanted to feel included. I hated the time away from my husband. I'm at the point now where, it's his relationship, I know his kids and his ex enough to know I don't want a relationship with them. I try to support healthy interactions between my kids and his to the best of my ability... trying to educate my kids on healthy boundaries so they don't end up being enablers to their stepsisters in the future. I'm fortunate to have strong kids with rational brains! They see how I'm treated and how they're being treated. I've given the husband an ultimatum about allowing us to be treated this way. He's pretty much had it with the 14yo and does his best to keep the 11yo away (she bullies my 11yo at school and the school is aware). That's all it seems we can do. 

It's been ongoing in little increments for years, just enough that husband writes it off as kid behavior. Once we discovered the Skids were being sexually abused it made more sense to me! 
Provoking is the biggest behavior. Teasing, threatening, pushing, punching, kicking. Skids would take my kids toys and chew them up in front of my kid who's crying and saying stop. I'd let father handle it, usually a verbal response and forced apology. Skids will push my younger kid out of the way, take his food, blame him for being in the way or say he wasn't eating it  or they "didn't know" (still happens). They've kicked him while walking past him at school and said it was a joke, throw wood chips at him and say they're playing (at school 2nd grade), spread rumors about him, tease him that 11yo "stole his girlfriend" (5th grade). Steal from him. The Skids somehow managed to be victims every time. My husband has been worried about my son being a man in this house who is bigger and stronger and feels like he can hit or do whatever, he's the most nonchalant kid. He just asks to be left alone at school and the Skids won't respect his boundaries. He gets in trouble at school for avoiding his SS ie: she talks to him in class "annoying him" he says "stop talking to me" she tells on him for talking and says she can't focus. It's taken years for my kids to define their own space/boundaries. I never wanted to be the bad guy. I never wanted to be the person who says "no you can't play with them" and then has to explain why. It's hard to explain to a child. I've never been ok with my kids hitting the Skids back but I totally get it, I won't let my kids solve problems with violence.