He may not agree with the behviors of your boys or with your parenting.  

But you will never know unless you have the come to Jesus conversation with him about it.

How do his kids engage behaviorally in your family? 

All part of the upcoming conversation.

IMHO of course.

He said that he just wants to relax. By your own admission, your sons are loud and gross and annoying at times. It's kind of hard to relax with that in the same room as you. What would happen if you got your sons to tone things down a bit? Would that help?

I don't think he's actively ignoring your children, he just needs a bit more space or peace.

He doesn't feel like dealing with loud gross kids when he has worked hard all day and just wants to come home to some peace and quiet.  You apparently don't do enough to keep the kids "simmered down".. so he just quietly removes himself from the situation.

He probably has tried at times to give you this information.. it's probably also true that as a bio parent.. you defended or became defensive over criticism.. so he has made his own solution to keep the peace.

What can you do?  You can stop allowing your kids to take over the adult space.. when I was small.. we actually were not allowed to monopolize the living room.. we had our own room and playroom to watch TV etc.. so I suggest you start encouraging your boys to spend more time in their own space.. and allow you and your DH to have adult time when he gets home.. 

Also.. work on your kid's behaviors so they are easier for people to be around.. and insist on them being respectful and pleasantly interractive with him.. 

It's not easy to live with non-related kids.. but it's a necessary evil for most step  parents... Just keep in mind that you have that maternal unconditional love and you even find your kids annoying at time.. which can be "a little " normal.. but it's also a parent's job to make them NOT behave that way and when they start up on it.. they get to go be loud and gross in their rooms.

Your DH has clearly given you all signs that he needs to spend more time with you just as adults.. and unless your kids are incapable of being alone (2 year old or something).. if you want things to improve.. it's kind of in your hands.

Married where you are all living together and he finally sees ss's in a different light, he might not want to be around them because to him they aren't pleasant to be around and to him, you may be excusing their behaviour "oh they're teenage boys etc" which doesn't encourage him to spend time with them

Like ESMOD said, the child-centric ways of today's parenting weren't always the norm. Having kids play in their rooms, a "playroom", or outside used to be what parents did, and the kitchen, living room, dining room, and (especially) parents' bedrooms weren't considered acceptable places for kids to "set up shop" and play.

When your DH comes home from work and sits down in the living room, what typically happens? Can he watch what he wants on TV, or are there kid shows or video games on it? Can he sit quietly without any electronics going on, or is there loud phone or ipad noise? If you and your DH are having a conversation, do the kids jump all over you and/or interrupt? Do they "brain drain" him with nonsense questions or "look at me" type things? Are there objects flying through the air that your husband has to dodge? Do they run in the house? Have they been taught about "inside voices", or do they yell inside? Do they have a bedtime?

Correcting, or even mostly correcting the above things may help your husband to stop "hating being around them" and he may actually start to enjoy their company and develop more of a relationship with them. 

You need to know, specifically, what annoys your husband. Have an honest, unemotional conversation with him. You can NOT get defensive when he criticizes your boys. Then figure out how you can change things up so that he isn't confronted with those annoyances.

WHY does he not join you and the boys in the living room? Are the boys disruptive, do they take over the whole room without regard for what your DH wants to do or watch or play? If so, you need to redirect the boys. Or, and this is harder for you to hear, is their mere presence the annoyance? That's not so unusual in stepland. But as long as your DH is kind to them and supportive of you, all is well. Even so, the boys don't need to take over the living room every single evening.

If you want time with your DH and he doesn't want to spend time with the boys, YOU need to figure out how to make that happen.

I'm 27 years in. My SKs are grown up and moved out and starting families of their own. They were 5 and 7 when I came along and at first they were very well behaved and my DH actually parented them. The second we came home married, it was as if DH went crazy and dropped all parenting of the kids. In short order I ended up hating their guts. They became feral. Farting and burping at the dinner table was passed off as "they're just kids," or constant nose picking was passed off as "they're just kids, they don't know any better." I was constantly made to wait until "they outgrow it," and on and on. Then when they got older that bullshit about the brain not being fully developed until they're 25 (sorry, but in my day, we didn't use that as an excuse). 

I tried so many times to talk to DH but all I got was defensiveness. Even if I was so tactful to the point of using a phoney lilt to my voice. 

Have you really sat down with your DH and really talked it out? I mean really sat with him and listened? I became a bio mum with my DH, so I totally get that mama bear thing if anyone says one word about my DD23 but on the other hand, I wanted to raise a likeable, responsible adult who didn't pick her nose and fart at the dinner table and have burping contests with her siblings. She had good hygeine and I didn't pass off any behaviour as her just being a kid. 

You admit that your sons are "gross." In what way? Do you require proper hygeine? Do you allow them to fart and burp or anything else nasty because "they're boys being boys?" What happens when you and your DH talk about him wanting to retreat from your sons? My DH would have sworn up and down that his ferals were amazing beings that DH was so open to hearing me speak about any issue at all. I experienced the complete opposite and almost walked because I couldn't stand such gross, nasty, selfish narcissists in the making. My SKs are in their 30s now and to this day, DH's side of the family resents the hell out of them for being such awful brats. My DH saw them as the complete opposite. He made all the excuses like, "well, I'm not getting calls from the school" and "well, no one has said anything, it's only you." Believe me you can't rely on that. 

Just playing Devil's advocate and giving the other side of things. You are wise to come here to seek answers because it may be as simple as your DH being an introvert or maybe you need to make some changes. 

I already commented but I'll add that there are so many dynamics or "syndromes" that cause step-parents to dislike or even hate their step kids with a passion.

Maybe search on here for Disneyland Dad Syndrome, Mini-Wife Syndrome or something along the lines of guilty parenting. Mini-wive can be mini husbands too, so it would still apply if your kids are being put on a pedestal. Then there's guilty parenting that can come from either Mum or Dad, so Disneyland Dad Syndrome still applies.

One dynamic that drove me insane is the "kids are the priority" and "kids come first." Too often, divorced bio parents take it way too far and become obsessed and enmeshed with their kids placing them way above the spouse, who then gets put in the afterthought and invisible position. The marriage is the priorty and the kids are the first responsibility. There's a difference. 

I noticed this: "Sometimes he comes down when they go to bed, but at that point, it's almost bedtime for me." Does that mean you let your kids stay up as late as you do? How old are they? Unless they're teenagers, they should have a set bedtime that is earlier than the adults. Often couples will regroup and spend time together once the kiddos go to bed. It doesn't sound like your DH even has that. It's very telling that your DH comes out when your sons go to bed. 

Sorry, I don't mean to shit on you. Just to let you know that a lot of us SMs on here have been where your DH is, so some, like me, might come across as harsh. I'm glad you're here and good on you for being open enough to come here. 

How old are your boys? When I first got together with my husband, the skids were 1 and 4. They were cute and sweet and easy to tolerate. They were more work back then, but in many ways easier.  Now they're 8 and 10. They're still good kids, but can be much more annoying.  They're louder, they take up more space, they have stronger opinions, they can be manipulative and selfish at times.   I also have a bio now, and see the difference between my feelings for my own kid and my feelings for someone else's kids.  It's HUGE.  Mind you, I like my skids - compared to many of the stepkids described here, they're great. But when they're being loud or annoying (i.e., acting like kids), I'd rather be elsewhere. That's normal,  IMO.

Perhaps you can enforce some quiet time on your boys when your husband gets home from work and wants to relax in the evening. Send them outside if they need to blow off steam, or send them to their rooms if they're being loud or annoying in the living room.  

What happens on weekends? Does your husband hide away from the kids then, too? I can understand him wanting peace and quiet on a weeknight after work, but weekends tend to be more family time in our home.  Does he not want to interact with them then, either? I think you need to have an honest conversation with him.  Find out if he wants you all to interact as a family, and if there's something behavior-wise that's preventing it.  If he points out anything reasonable, fix it.  Enforce standards of behavior on your kids.  If he's just not interested in being a family with them, then you have to decide if you can compartmentalize your life with him and your life with your kids and be happy.  If not, then you're just not compatible. 

Caveat: I do not have kids.

DH has two girls, 7 & 9 when we met, 17 & 19 now.

When they were younger I had a little more patience but had a discussion with DH before I moved in about bedtimes, cleaning up at night, etc. We both valued adult time in the evening.

BUT I still did, and still do, retreat a lot and do my own thing. They aren't as bad as many here but whoo boy the entitlement and babying and lack of independence really bothered me, still does.

Sometimes I'd leave the room if I had a long hard day and wasn't up to the free for all. Or I didn't want to watch a kids movie. Or DH was kowtowing to them for hours, or I didn't want to do game night, or I just needed mty own down time, or I just didn't want to be around kids, or they were being rude, etc. Or I had no say in what was going on because I wasn't supported by DH, undermined, and singled out...so why bother.

DH always asked why I left or complained when I wasn't involved enough. I would always be honest but he really didn't get it until the last year or so. He regrets a lot.

You have to ask your husband, bottom line, and be willing to listen and have empathy. Maybe some compromise too.