Looking for support

Hi everyone,

This is my very first post, so I just want to share a little of my story as a SM and hopefully find someone in a similar position because I'm feeling so alone right now.

I married my DH on 2016, after a year of dating. He had a previous marriage and 2 kids from it, we spent the weekends together and had a nice relationship. In 2018 HCBM got sick and because of their mess of a relationship, was never honest about the seriousness of her health condition and she finally passed away on Feb 2019. This obviously meant the kids moved in with us and started my journey as a full-time SM. I have no kids of my own, by choice, and so no experience whatsoever parenting. DH was just a weekend dad, there was no co-parenting, BM did not allowed, so DH has not much experience in being a full-time parent either, since they had been separated since SS were 2 yo and 6 months old, and he only spent time with them on Saturdays. So all of a sudden we were a family of 4 (SS9, SD7 back then) with nobody having a clue about their role and much less how to do it. We all have been in therapy since the start, but things are getting a lot harder lately now that the kids are becoming teenagers, SS13 and SD11.

It's been 4 years, we still have no idea how to work together and our marriage is taking the toll. I, personally have no idea how to be a SM, what is expected of me, what should I be involved in and more important what shouldn't I be involved in, since I am the only mother figure in their lives. I am completely clear I am not their mother, but what does mother figure entails? DH expects me to be their mother, but whenever we disagree on any parenting decisions, after pulling me into huge fights, he plays the my kids, my decision card and dismisses my opinion, leaving me confused, lonely and feeling very unappreciated, as he usually takes the kids away, as saving them from the stepmonster.
Just last week I realized this toxic dinamic and confusion about how to be a SM have been filling me up with anger and resentment towards everybody DH, SK and myself. Now I feel guilty and like a horrible person and more lost than ever.

Any advice? Or at least someone who can relate?

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Sounds like your husband

Sounds like your husband wants to have his cake and eat it too. He can't have it both ways and you should tell him so. Either you're a parent or you're not (and it's perfectly fine for YOU to decide which one you're going to be).

If you're a parent, then you get equal say in all decisions pertaining to the kids. You get equal authority to discipline them, to lay down rules, and to raise them in the way you see fit. You share equal responsibilities regarding them as act as a sureagmother with all the authority benefits that entails.

If you're not a parent, then your husband does 100% of the raising. He does all the caretaking, running around, discipline, rule enforcement, homework help etc. Basically he is a single dad and you only help out on your terms/when you are feeling up to it. You establish some basic rules for everyone on that affect you (ie. Don't eat my x,y,z snacks...stay out of my bedroom...quiet time after x o'clock...) Aside from that, complain to your husband and let him handle everything. Any messes they make, husband cleans up after them. Any problems with school, husband deals with it. Some people even separate finances with varying contributions towards household expenses. It's called disengagement.

Point being, he can't have it both ways. He can't expect you to pick up the slack raising his children then turn around and give you no say in the decisions he makes with them.

Thank you!

This is exactly how I feel, he can't have it both ways! But it's a cycle now, he aknowledges me as a parent and respects my decisions for a while, and then once we disagree, it's over.

I actually disengaged last week, without even knowing this is an actual thing, just came out naturally. We had a disagreement, I told him if just his decisions matter, then he is all on his own, with everything involving his kids and has done nothing for any of them since. Just don't know where to go from here.

Keep on disengaging. When he

Keep on disengaging. When he's had enough, you can lay out reality for him. He can't have it both ways. Either you are an equal parent or he's on his own. Once the decision is made there's no going back on it. He needs to learn to discuss and listen.

I.E. you cannot have

I.E. you cannot have responsibility without authority OP!

I don't envy you the ages of

I don't envy you the ages of your Skids.. preteens.. ugh.. On the one hand.. they technically should be geting to be more self sufficient.. but on the other hand.. their problems can get bigger too.

It must be hard for them to havelost their mother at an early age... my dad did also.. and I think it has impacted him to an extent for his whole life (he is 93 now!). I'm hoping your DH has made sure they have gotten counseling for that..

And.. I get that your DH wasn't as involved when they were little.. but he did experience a kind of "bootstrap" moment when mom died.. it meant he HAD to step up.. and lack of history really is no excuse for him.. he had kids who need to be raised.

Do you feel that over the past 4 years.... he has tried to be a good father? is he fair? does he insist on reasonable standards of behavior and boundaries for his kids.. does he have reasonable expectations? is he NOW involved.. (again.. 4 years to start figuring it out).

or do you think he has leaned heavily on you because you are a women.. and women raise kids?

If he has expected.. and you have accepted an active role in parenting his kids.. then he needs to respect your opinion and your decisions on things that happen when he is not there. He doesn't second guess you.. he doesn't override your consequence for an action that happens on "your time".. all that does is undercut your authority with his kids.. and that's not fair to you.. you don't get the job of doing the work.. without full authority of rules to enforce.

But.. are the disagreements more issues that are large discussions happening outside of their sight? Because in that case.. I think it's fine for him as the bio parent to have the final say on what he finds acceptable.. or not for his kids. For example.. you think that kids having a sleepover at a friends is "not big deal".. but he disagrees.. and does not want his kids sleeping at other people's homes..it's HIS decision to make.. it's not the same as cutting off the Wifi for disrespect or lying to you while your DH is not in the home. Or.. he wants to give X allowance.. but you think Y is enough.. again.. if HE has the money.. and it's his kids.. he can decide.

You can care about.. and you can care for his kids.. while still being vetoed by the bio parent.. it's not mutually exclusive.. Now.. if reasons he disagrees is because you want them to lose TV for a week for sneaking out of the house.. and he doesn't want any consequence? then you have a husband problem.. and it's that he is too permissive. But, if he doesn't agree with all your suggestions.. it's fine to accept someone's input but not agree with it.. as long as it's done respectfully... and as long as his decisions don't negatively impact your life.

Thank you!

Yes, kids have been receiving counseling since we found out their mom was sick, and still are.

Regarding my husband, is everything you mentioned, he has tried to be a good father, but also relied heavily on me to raised them. He had an absent mother and an abusive father, so he doesn't have a good role model for parenting. He lived in a home without any chores or responsibilities, no consequences and where the only responsible adult around was the cleaning lady. I feel like I've also had to parent him as well, which is exhausting. So he kind goes from one extreme to the other, he relies on me because he admires and respects my parents, their relationship and the way I was brought up, but then he feels like the kids shouldn't have too many chores (which they don't) or we shouldn't give them consequences for breaking a rule, just ignore it. He has a very hard time saying no to them, so he feels bad giving them consequences, he is afraid they will stop loving him if he does, like you said he is permissive. Him not making up his mind is very exhausting for me. I know my problem is my husband, SK are actually nice and respectful, but he keeps undermining my authority every time he changes his mind about rules and consequences.

I have a DH like this, his

I have a DH like this, his parents weren't abusive, but he wasn't parented. As his sister told me "...he was a feral child."

So he doesn't understand rules, expecations, authority in the home (vs. authortarianism = bad), or consequenses. It was clear, and still is to this day, that I am NOT a parent in any way. He wanted me to be, but disagreed with literally everything I tried to do and undermined me - still does all that. So I disengaged from it all. I don't pay for anything related directly to the SDs. No say / no pay. I don't help much at all unless it's something that he literally cannot due to a legit conflict (i.e. work). EVERYTHING including the cooking is on him when my YSD17 is here. Unless I myself choose to cook. I don't entertain, offer, or extend myself. He needs to be the parent, but now it's so late in the game it's too late really.

We had may conversations about parenting styles but he was/is too scared to lose the girls, but really, he did lose them due to his very passivity! They didn't respect him (or I) or our life or want to participate in it - maybe use this as an entryway into a conversation about his kids. But I fear you will just have to continue to step back. I didn't invent reasons, it was more like, "DH, if you cannot allow me any decision making to the SDs schedule you cannot expect me to drive them around." Then I stopped driving them. Then he allowed me some input. Which was then stomped on. So I stopped driving again. I had to remind him even though I was not their actual parent, I was an adult in the home, with feelings and understanding of the situation.

No advice, just empathy

Welcome to the site! I had 3 SKs thrust on me, too. The situation was different, BM hadn't passed like yours and I had 2 kids of my own. But, its a life-changing experience for everybody. I feel my 3 SKs are still affected by BM giving them up, not to mention what yours must be going thru after BM's death. I'm 78 and DH is 85 and the 5 "kids" are all grown but it was the most vivid period of my life and I'll never forget it

The wise Steptalkers will have lots of great input. Hoping for the best possible outcome for your family.

Thank you for your empathy!

Definitely a life changing experience. Just as hard, if not harder, for kids to have a BM give them up. It's very sad what kids have gone through, I don't want to make things harder for them, I want we all to live the best we can.

He plays the "my kids, my decison card" you play the my marriage

my home, you will do what you are told or find another partner" card.

See how he likes having his nose rubbed in the stench of his own idiocy.,

smh

Time for your DH to man up and engage as your equity life partner, or take his spawn and leave.

Disengagement is your friend

Yeah, time for a BIG heart to heart with your husband.

There are many many ways to do this. Just like there are many different flavors of disengagement.

Read around here for a while and you will see all the different nuances.

The kids are old enough you can take off and have yourself a good time. Leave husband behind to do his "fatherly duties", and see what happens. He cannot give you responsibility without also giving you authority. And when you two disagree on the parenting, you should really disagree somewhere the kids arent listening and watching, because those little sponges are taking it all in, and starting to learn how to play those games kids play.

Such as "lets test the boundaries", and "lets see who will let us" and "Dad said we could!"

Yep, been there lol.

And then you are told "well you arent my REAL mom" and "You dont have your own kids you dont REALLY know anything".

Bet you already have thats why you are here.

Well, keep posting! And Welcome

I think either you are

I think either you are considered a parent, or not. If you are, you have the responsibility like a parent and the authority. If not, you can help your husband with them when you want to, but also have the freedom to, say, go out with your girlfriends without having to worry about finding a sitter.

Since their mother is dead, it would make sense for you to have a motherly role. But - if all your husband will give you is responsibility but not authority- maybe back off to the "fun aunt" level. To me, it's about both safety and personal pride. Safety in that i won't watch kids who i can't do what it takes to get them to listen to and respect me. If little Johnny gets lost in the mall or runs out in front of traffic when i'm watching him, that's on me. Pride in that i wouldn't want to feel like an unpaid servant, and if i were, say, responsible for their education but not allowed to fully "parent", when they don't pass i wouldn't want everyone pointing the finger at me.

Read Stepmonster by Wednesday

Read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin.

Therapy for you & DH to hash out parenting roles. Responsibiltiy without authority is not an acceptable solution.

I'm sure your DH can read

I'm sure your DH can read right? He can read parenting books just like other people do when they want ideas and answers. You searched for help and here you are. He needs to be proactively searching for help. He relied heavily on you do do the dirty work, criticize you , took any power you had in the home away from you and left all of you suffering.

Disengaging is the only answer. Go enjoy yourself with your new found free time. Sometimes you have to burn it all down to rebuild. Leave them to it.

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