" Go ask your dad".  " your dad needs you "     Repeat every time.  

This is a conversation you need to have with your DH.  You need to remind him that his daughter is there to see HIM.  You need to remind him that you are tired.. and your pregnant.. and you don't have the band width to deal with constantly  entertaining his child..   And while it is flattering that she likes you and wants to be with you.. that doesn't negate the FACT that you are tired and just don't have the energy to deal with it constantly.    You need to remind him that he needs to have plans on what to do with her when she is there.. to spend time with her.. to take her for a walk.. watch a movie with her (boohoo miss your stupid man-baby ball sports... I am so blessed that my DH doesn't waste his time watching a bunch of overpaid losers playing children's games..) Or.. instill a love of the games in his daughter.. she can take an interest in football.. basketball.. or whatever.. some women do.. I can watch most sports.. have a general understanding of the game.. or better yet.. go kick a ball with her?  go biking with her? go visit a local park.. or state park.. go hiking.. learn to identify plants.. birds.. etc.. 

Remind him that ... I will be nice to your daughter.. I may spend a little time with her.. but don't expect me to be minding her 24/7 during YOUR visitation.. when I come to you and tell you it's time to step up? it's time to step up.. you get off your butt.. turn off the telly and become a parent for the rest of her visitation.

Your DH is taking the lazy way out by letting all her care fall on you.  How often does she come?  Perhaps, if he's not interested, the visits should be more seldom.   Does he do this with your bio child?

She's 11, doesn't live with you guys, so I get it that she's going to attach to somebody when she visits.  He needs to either face the fact he doesnt want her around, or search his heart and figure out a way to engage with her more.  I feel sad for her (and you).

I think you will need to focus more on training DH to be a parent for both of his children.  He needs to be more scared of upsetting you than anyone else.  SD gets her feeling hurt because you need space? Tough, and DH  should be teaching her to respect you and your needs, not dump HIS duties on you.  You are a fellow adult in the house and as such get to set your own boundaries and expect/demand for them to be respected.   You will also have to do this for your baby.  Babies needs come first, not  SD or DH.  Better get him straight now or when you come home after delivering, your days will be extra stressful training these two.  

It appears that your DH doesn't care about his daughter, and he doesn't really care about you either, other than the things you can do for HIM. He is the center of his own universe and there is no room for anyone else.

Other than making yourself physically absent when SD visits, you can kindly explain to her that pregnant women tire easily and you are going to nap. Take her to wherever her father is hiding and tell him that you will be napping and not to disturb you for at least 3 hours, or whatever timeframe you choose. Then do it. Close the door. Lock it. Get angry if either of them stomp on that boundary.

Or go visit family and friends the weekends she visits. Distant family is best so you have to be gone the whole time and he has no option other than to take care of her.

I dunno. Nobody wants that poor child. No wonder she's a mess.

**She doesn't want to hang out with me, she wants to be around you, because you're the only positive female model in her life & she wants to be just like you.**

This is a bit manipulative.  He's trying to pass his parental responsibilities on to you.  I might suggest to him that if she isn't coming to see HIM and to hang out with HIM and to spend time with HIM, there's really no point in her coming.  The whole point of visitation is for her to spend time with her father and have a relationship with him.  If he doesn't want to foster that relationship and spend a lot of quality time with her during the approximately 4 days a month he has with her, then he should have her stay with her mother. Remind him that she's not your child, you don't want to be her mother and it's not your job to be her role model.  You'll probably have to remind him of this multiple times before every single visit.  I do not suggest saying much to SD - this is something to address with your husband.

When his daughter comes to you for something, redirect her to her father.  Tell her he wants to spend time with her. If he's leaving the house, remind him to take her with him.  Tell him that he doesn't get to hide out downstairs and watch sports unless SD is down there with him. Make your own plans.  Make your room your sanctuary that SD is not allowed to enter.  DO NOT allow him to ignore his daughter.  He is not obligated to take visitation, so if he can't see to her health needs, spend time with her, save his money to do things with her outside of the house (newsflash: he can do things outside of the house with her that don't cost money), I don't think it's unreasonable to suggest to him that she not come.  If he's constantly pushing her on you, he must not really want her there.

You still have your doctor's appt, right? Tell them everything that's going on, from your feelings about your SD that have been brought out by this situation, and your DH's and your family's lack of support. You really shouldn't be navigating this alone. Maybe they can help communicate these things to your husband. Hell, maybe BM needs to be notified that you can't be responsible for her daughter at this time due to pregnancy complications (and you ARE having complications), and she needs to stop sending her over as much for a while. I'm sorry you are surrounded by dumb a-holes. 

Everyone is giving you great disengagement suggestions.

RIP, you're obviously in need of some Me Time. Is it possible for you to take a weekend getaway? A spa, a weekend at the beach, even just holed up somewhere quiet so you can rest, read a book, etc. 

DH will be 100% responsible for SD and they can have some bonding time while you get some much-needed self-care time. 

If you are unable to stand up to him and enforce your new boundaries, find your state's child support calculator online and find out just how expensive a newborn is.  Include child care in that  figure because if he refuses to step it up, this will be his new broke A$$ lifestyle.   Numbers usually make in impact on the male mind. 

Part of my disengagement (but the girls love doing things with you! they look up to you! you are a good role model!) was vacating the premesis and being very busy. And closing the door to our room was part of it (it was not a space for the SDs from early on).

And a hotel for a night or two would be great!  I'm actually thinking about doing that over the holidays this year if we don't go visit his family...just to get away from the insanity.

Time to inform him that she will not be driving your stress up for the rest of your pregnancy and he will have to daddy up and spend time with his daughter.  If he has a man cave, make your BR your locked door zen space.  

Take care yourself and the baby.  

I read your blog from the other day too and I could have written most of it a couple of years ago. To cut a very long story short, I didn’t do what people would typically recommend but I am successfully disengaged and very happy. DH was obviously in a difficult situation as what was best for me and what would make SD11 happy were very opposite things. I took the decision away from him and just stated that I would no longer have anything to do with SD11 and that it wasn’t in DD’s best interests to be around her. When DD (now 2) was born, DH amended his child maintenance agreement so that he no longer has SD11 overnight. Maintenance was recalculated taking this into consideration along with the reduction for having a new child in the house.

DH picks SD11 up in the morning and they spend the whole day out of the house. They go for walks, bike rides, parks, beaches, forests, have picnics or sometimes do inexpensive activities. He returns her to BM in the evening. Although they have less hours together, they get better quality time together than they used to sitting round the house. Plus fresh air and exercise helps reduce SD11’s bad behaviour as she’s distracted and tired out. I don’t get involved in anything to do with SD11 - I don’t remind him of important dates, I don’t help choose or wrap presents for her, I don’t ask about her. It’s actually been very freeing.

DH is a wonderful dad to DD, and a very different dad than he is with SD11. I think the person you parent with can make a huge difference. Our household is a very happy family of 3, and DH and SD11 are a (separate) happy family of 2.

The biggest thing I did to get rid of the guilt of being a horrible person/evil SM was to not speak to other people about it. Friends and family just don’t understand. People on the internet seem to sway in the direction of keeping the SK happy at the sacrifice of your own happiness. I’m not saying what I do is the best option for you…but there’s definitely different options out there that can work for your family, even if it’s a big change from what’s been happening up until now…and different to what other blended families do. Disengagement can be whatever you need it to be. You need to prioritise yourself as no one else will. And to look after your new baby you need to look after yourself.

Best of luck x

There are a couple DHs on this site that I think are just.... worthless. And yours has just joined the ranks for me. I held off saying anything on your last post but after reading this, all I can say is no wonder your SD is a mess. Her mother leaves her and her sister alone almost every night, and her father is worthless. No wonder she eats away all her feelings dealing with rejection coming from all sides. Her weight is the least of your problems. 99% of the time I am on team anti-skid but once in a while, man I do feel sorry for them.
You have a DH problem and a big one at that. The way he treats you and the things he says to you are horrible. 

"She doesn't want to hang out with me, she wants to be around you, because you're the only positive female model in her life" my DH still occasionally lays a similar version adapted to the fact that his kids are GROWN ADULTS. Their mother is wackadoo and he roped me into having more interaction with them than I think I would have jumped into had I not felt bad that "their childhood lacked a mother figure and they are just pining to make memories with YOU" no, no they were not, they delighted to have a new exciting events coordinator on the scene to expose them to new things, that's it. DH still occasionally will try to spin their "need" of me in their lives whereupon I shrug and say "that's a weird way of showing it" As I just continue to disengage.