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Seraphina_SP23's picture

Submitted by Seraphina_SP23 on Fri, 04/28/2023 - 3:46pm

So, I've just joined the group and would like to say hello.

I have been a Step Mom legally for 2 years but DH and I have been together for 11 years. I have known his kids since they were 14, 6, and 4. They are now 26, 17, and 16. We've been through a lot and for the most part I've suffered in silence but lately I feel like I've needed some help or, at the very least, someone to vent to. Which is why I'm here. 

There's a lot to get into, a lot of back story, but the main reason I decided to seek a forum is because I've chosen to disengage. This a term I didn't even know existed until today but apparently something I've been attempting for years. Now that it has a name, maybe I can actually get somewhere. Create a plan to move us forward.

The reason I've chosen to disengage is because I'm not appreciated. DH is not a lazy parent per se. I am not the step parent who is doing all the work with no appreciation. However, the things I help with aren't appreciated. DH and BM have even gone as far as to tell me that I don't know their kids as well as they do because I haven't been there through everything... (No, you're right, I've only known them the majority of their lives and watched them grow up...) So, not appreciated.

One of the things I do for them that I'd like to stop doing is chauffeuring the kids. DH and BM seem to have the style of parenting where you do everything you can for your kids even if it stretches you thin. By that I mean, SD 17 never sits still and is always doing extracurricular activities at school, auditioning for plays and musicals outside of school, getting sometimes multiple jobs, etc. Both DH and BM will shuffle her to any and all of these things to 'give her every opportunity we can.' This alone doesn't sound terrible, but SD 17 knows this and hops around, makes changes in plans, gets into plays and musicals, gets a new job, without considering how she'll get there. She commits to things with the idea that anyone in her family will drop what they're doing to take her because 99% of the time they will. The problem then comes when DH or BM can't get her to something so DH asks me if I'll do it and gets mad when I say I can't.

Most recently she got into a musical for a local college. Her rehearsals were Mon-Thurs 5-10pm. The only issue they had with that was getting her there on Mondays. We have the kids at our house every Monday and DH doesn't get off work until 6pm. So I typically pick them up when I pick up my daughter so he can just come home and see his kids for a bit before they go back to BM. DH asked me if, when I pick them up from BM, I could take SD 17 to her rehearsals. For me to do that, I would have to drive 30 minutes to pick up my daughter, another 15 to pick up Skids, 20 minutes to rehearsals, then 30 minutes home. I told him I felt like that was excessive and didn't want to do it. We wound up arguing about whether or not I care about his kids and want the best for them... 

SD 17 and SS 16 both have mental issues (SD 17 has BPD and SS 16 has ODD and ADHD) and from my vantage point, BM makes it worse and won't do anything about it and DH is tired of fighting with BM over it so they've both settled into doing the bare minimum to keep them quiet. I've exhausted myself talking to DH about doing more for them because SS 16 in particular is not going to have an easy adulthood but he just sees it as nagging or that I know better than him. It never lands well, no matter now I approach it.

So, those are two big reasons I've chosen to disengage. I am not their parent and it's not appreciated when I try to be. So I am in the process of trying to keep my mouth shut and trying to decide if I want to continue picking up SD and SS on Friday's (for his weekend) and Monday's or tell him I'm completely out of step parenting and let him do all of it.

Opinions?

Comments

Kloewent's picture

Submitted by Kloewent on Fri, 04/28/2023 - 4:34pm

Hi seraphina, it is never too late to join. I just joined and I haven't lived with my SD for 30 years and she is still a huge pain in the ass! I wish I knew about disengaging back in the day. I actually sort of did it organically, but I always felt guilty. Your SD can get a ride with someone in the cast. And tell your husband if he keeps being a dick, you won't pick up the other ones either.

 

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Fri, 04/28/2023 - 4:47pm

The easiest thing to do is to find a way to be totally unavailable for SD. Can you find something to do with your BD during that time?  It doesn't matter what it is as long as it makes you unavailable.  Takes the fight out of it. He wouldn't expect you to sacrifice your own for his kids right?   And things will get worse while they are testing your new boundaries.  Hold the line and don't give in.  
 

As for BPD is that Boarderline or Bi polar?  DH should never let his baggage be yours.  He has some tough mental issues with his kids. That said, he is doing them no favors ( or society) by ignoring it.  
 

You might get him to appreciate you again if you step back and let him do his parenting.  Or not. It's an adjustment for sure to change the "rules" but worth it. Have a plan for that time you spent on the skid duties.   

Seraphina_SP23's picture

Submitted by Seraphina_SP23 on Sat, 04/29/2023 - 10:26am

BPD = Bi Polar

Sorry, I didn't even think about that being borderline.

With SD's BiPolar she gets suicidal and he's terrified that she'll go through with it some day. So, she gets full attention for it, and is also why he does absolutely everything he can to drive her around to her activities that make her happy. The problem is, she's never told no so she's not learning how to sit still with her thoughts and not get suicidal. What happens when she moves out as an adult?

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sat, 04/29/2023 - 10:45am

Maybe it's time to have her meds re-evaluated? Is she even taking her meds?

What happens when (IF) she moves out is that she will be her own responsibility. Her parents are doing her no favours by never saying "no" to her. She will never be able to hold down a job, for starters if she can't understand that she doesn't get to call all the shots all of the time.

Seraphina_SP23's picture

Submitted by Seraphina_SP23 on Sat, 04/29/2023 - 10:55am

I completely agree. I've tried to mention that to DH. I've tried to explain that I'm worried about her. All he has to say to that is that he's worried too and he's talked to her about how she'll be far away and won't have them as a back up when she's in NY. I'm not sure how he thinks that's helping.

She is on meds and they seem to be working. She's been really good lately. I've even noticed some maturing from her. I'm really proud of her.

Survivingstephell's picture

Submitted by Survivingstephell on Sat, 04/29/2023 - 10:58am

Look up Julie Fast and her books.  They will be a fountain of knowledge for you both.  

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Fri, 04/28/2023 - 5:04pm

Giving kids "every opportunity" is great, but that also means the opportunity to solve problems and occasionally fail. Not just the fun stuff.

So DH can "give her the opportunity" to solve this problem. She's 17 for goodness sake, doesn't need her hand held every step of the way. What is HER solution for the Monday transportation problem?  Does she not drive? Is there public transportation? Can she pay a friend gas money to get her there? YOU do not need to be the default option and I'd set that boundary very clearly and keep it there. Your DH won't like it, but too bad. 

 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 04/28/2023 - 5:34pm

Failed parents far more often than not mistakenly think that their job is protect their spawn from life. In reality, successful parents prepare their spawn for life.

The frequency of partners that SParents engage with who do not understand this is alarming.

As for this Skid, she works. She can pay for an Uber or Lyft.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Fri, 04/28/2023 - 5:35pm

I hope that you find this a good place to vent, contribute, and pick up some useful advice and perspective from others living the blended family adventure.

Phew. I am mad for  you.

Nea

First, DH and his X should not be telling you anything. You and DH should be discussing everything.  His X... can F-off.  You need to keep a foot applied to DH's ass, figuratively of course, so he keeps that message front and center with his unfortunate choice of a failed family breeding partner.

IMHO of course.

I completely agree that you need to immediatley stop schlepping the StepSpawn to work, extracurriculars, etc... NOW!  Daddy and BioMommy need to parent up, grow up, and stop pawning their choice to breed off on you to cater to.

SD is 17 and works. She can pay for an Uber or Lyft to get to herself work, her practices, auditions, etc... Or, Daddy and BM need to get her a drivers license.  If if they are not invested enough in the stuff their Spawn does to do the schlepping or otherwise transport their spawn, that is on them.

Take care of  you.

 

notsurehowtodeal's picture

Submitted by notsurehowtodeal on Fri, 04/28/2023 - 8:49pm

SD needs to get her driver's license. Maybe tell DH you will do the driving for another month, and then SD needs to either driver herself or figure out something else. Surely she could find a friend or take an Uber? I don't blame you a bit for not wanting to do all that extra driving!

Seraphina_SP23's picture

Submitted by Seraphina_SP23 on Sat, 04/29/2023 - 10:34am

BD is from a previous marriage. He treats her like his own. He's a good SF (Step Father?). He works a lot and doesn't really get the opportunity to do a lot for her but I think there's a lot he would do. The things he's asking from me for his kids, I'm not so sure he would do for BD but I don't know.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Sat, 04/29/2023 - 12:20pm

The reason i ask is that i was in a situation where i was bending over backwards for SO's kids (and his brother's kids and his other brother's kid) because they "needed so much help." SO never had any complaints so i was sure he would do the same for mine. But - how would i even know? He has not and would not ever be put in that situation. I stepped back. Don't be played by users. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Sat, 04/29/2023 - 3:39am

Dad could pay for Uber. You aren't required to drive skids anywhere. My OSD wants us to drive SGD around. We don't mind babysitting but we won't drive anyone around. But that's a story for another day. 

Seraphina_SP23's picture

Submitted by Seraphina_SP23 on Sat, 04/29/2023 - 10:41am

There are some extenuating circumstances with SD that I should clarify. She's Bi Polar and suicidal. So DH and BM do everything they can to keep her happy to the point of never giving her the opportunity to get her mind straight during the times she can't stay busy. It makes me terrified for when she moves out.

She has her driver's license and had a car until last fall when she totalled it. She's going to college in NYC this fall and won't need a car there so there's no point in her getting a car right now. Also, since she's going to college, they're pushing her to save all of the money she's making right now so she can live up there in NY. 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Sat, 04/29/2023 - 12:08pm

Enablement to the point of disablement.

Definitely read around here about disengagement. It is your friend.

SD can uber it, you have been given your boundaries by the bio parents and you can definitely stay in those lines.

Youve done a ton for children that are not yours. Focus on YOUR bio. SD has 2 parents and you are not one of those. You think but you dont know if your DH would step up like you do...well that makes it easier for him right?
And all that activity and doing everything for SD17. Well SD24 Feral Forger has her mental issues, and has threatened suicide. Shes stil around. AT 15 we had the knee jerk reactions and fell over ourselves to alleviate her feelings, but guess what? She saw the attention it drew, and saw the control she could have and used to over and over. Now no one really takes it seriously. I am no contact.

So, your issues arent with the stepkids its the bio parents. Well. Time to disengage. Dont fall back into the habits of driving SD wherever her latest whim takes her.