Well seems old dogs can learn new tricks
DH was dealing with Beaver trying to use Zelle....that was a shiznit show. He was talking about that and SD, etc. He finally realized that I had gone quiet and dark. He asked me if he should just not tell me about Beaver and/or SD. This is new..he never would have asked before.
Tough question though...while yes I sort of want to know..I don't want to hear about them everyday. I did tell DH its an instant mood killer, etc. I did explain no one wants to hear about someone's ex and their failing children ALL THE TIME. I understand though he doesn't want to keep things from me since he is being complete open and honest about everything.
I get it...he doesn't want to keep stuff from me but on the other hand..I get tired of the drama. So no real solutions but he did at least realize this was bothering me and was putting a damper on our relationship.
Small steps but at least we are moving forward.
- halo1998's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
I think the line you'll need
I think the line you'll need to draw is "do I require this information, and does not having it affect me in any way?"
If just hearing about her making bad choices is triggering you then the line you and DH need to draw is "does Halo need to hear this?". Take the tongue piercing for example. Idiotic choice but are you paying for her teeth down the track? If yes then you need the heads up. If no then SD's teeth can silently rot away.
This isn't the standard rule in a blended family but considering your history, it's something that'll need to be enforced if you and DH are to make it. Too many times has DH come to you "venting" about Beaver's shenanigans but he wasn't really venting, he was expecting you to solve it. Even if all he's doing now is venting, it's too close a reminder to the old days.
You have a point....I agree most of the time DH wants me to deal
with whatever crap and/or Sd is throwing around. I've stopped helping..since our therapist has pointed out DH likes to use me as the "fix it" lady.
In this case..neither of these things have an impact on me so did I really need to know. Nope......I think we will discuss this in therapy...what I "need" to know and what I don't..
I admit/agree it’s a catch 22
For me it was a weaning process. I felt I needed/wanted to stay abreast of their lives, well more like shenanigans or latest developments that could impact me, because if I didn't DH was likely to go along with any need they have, but on the flip side I don't want to be always hearing the latest about them, honestly it's usually something so disconnected and removed from who and how I am and how my adult kids are that I usually have to temper my reaction although my face usually gives me away. I don't blog about the rotation of crisis one or the other of these 35-47 year old emotionally stunted adults have nearly weekly, I've learned in the last two years that for my own sanity I need to tune out the majority of it as long as it doesn't affect my life, my marriage or home.
I also deal with that fine
I also deal with that fine line. I don't want to feel like SO is being secretive, but when his phone is constantly blowing up with BM1/BM2/female coworkers, it's distracting. But then of he deletes his texts i feel i'm being lied to. I think in these types of situations, there is no good balance. If everything's toxic the only choices are to pick your poison or leave.
I hear you on the pick your poision
in this case..I have to pick honesty over everything. So I may have to grit my teeth and bear it..but DH can also learn when and when not to say things.
I too prefer honesty. I can't
I too prefer honesty. I can't live with a man i don't trust. In fact, i don't live with any man at all, but i won't consider moving in with one who i feel is being sneaky.
This is really a conundrum,
This is really a conundrum, and I've experienced that too. DH loves his kids. He wants to tell me about their accomplishments, and the cute things the grandkids do. But damn it's such a trigger for me. Occasionally there is BM drama, but it never affects him so I just say "do I need to know this?" and he stops.
We've gotten past the situation where, if SD suggests a recipe he might like, that he cooks it that night and isn't SD so wonderful for suggesting it? All the superlatives wear me out, and we had some frank discussions about how he glorifies and chases his children. He did not like looking in that mirror at ALL.
I no longer hear about them every day, or multiple times a day. I can tolerate the occasional update or story or accomplishment or photo, but the constant oozing of their perfect existence has stopped. And he KNOWS that if he wants to get frisky there is no mention of his kids or prior life.
I don't drone on about mine either -- although mine have a good relationship with DH.
So similar to my DH!
Deep down he knows that several of them are just dismissive and up until recently a bit of near do wells. They seek so much validation from each other!
I could have written this verbatim;
"if SD suggests a recipe he might like, that he cooks it that night and isn't SD so wonderful for suggesting it? All the superlatives wear me out, and we had some frank discussions about how he glorifies and chases his children. He did not like looking in that mirror at ALL"
Detoxing from the constant drama can be hard.
It was for me when SS aged out from under the CO and the SpermClan disappeared from our lives after 16+ yrs under the Custody/Visitaiton/Support CO when SS turned 18.
I was so used to the constant battles and baring their idiot asses that ending it cold turkey was a major shift in my existance.
They did not of course stop. They just shifted it to directly reach out to SS and since he was no longer visiting them and then returning home after visitation the frequency was significantly reduced and the severity was notably less.
I still ask SS about THEM upon occassion. I have always shown interest and made sure to support any intent he has to interface with them. It is a double edged sword that he has pretty much written them off. At 30 he is kicking ass in life. While his Spermidiot spawned half sibs (all 3 of them) and the rest of the SpermClan are all going down in the flames of stupidity in their lives. His sister is on the dole, brother 1 is in prison, and brother 2 is not far behind brother 1. His dipshitiot SpermDad is still cruising malls looking for teens to impregnate at 54yo and frequenting fantasy conventions, cosplay conventions, etc.... Not that there is anything wrong with fantasy or cosplay conventions. Unless there is a perve under the costume trying to get teens to offer up their womb services for his breeding intentions.