First Time Step Mom......I don't think I can do it long-term
2 years ago, I made what I think was a dire mistake of giving a "nice" guy a chance despite knowing deep down I didn't want a man with kids (thinking maybe I could deal with it as long as he doesn't expect a ton out of me regarding his kids). He told me his kids (daughter 10 and son 14) would be living with their mother - in another town 3 hours away (because she didn't want another woman around her kids) - but a month into her move she realized it was easier to stress me than to stress herself so she moved back in town (7 minutes away) AND made A LOT of demands on my fiance (some of those demands he tried to push off onto me but I rejected most of them)
Anyways,
I'll start by saying his kids usually aren't *that* bad. I have a teen myself and am not used to the frequent battling (like you expect with exes) .......But what IS bad is the lack of structure and the dysfunction between him and his ex wife AND the dysfunction between him and his kids .... and maybe him (his faulty beliefs, etc) in general to the point I've seriuously considered leaving him because:
- These people have no boundaries (lots of co-dependency and enmeshment), no structure for the kids on weekends or breaks, no relationships with extended family/refuse to put their kids in camps (so I am just now realizing they expect ME to cover their frequent last minute childcare crisis), and no chill (if his ex-wife/kids hears the words NO she guilt trips him, then if I say no to him he tries to guilt trip me)....
- On a couple of occassions he said he wanted to get custody of his son (simply because his son was arguing over petty stuff with his biomom). I expressed I would understand if thats what he wanted to do, but it was unwise to uproot a kid mid-school year over messy room type argument plus it would strain our relationship (because him/his kids/his ex-wife have no boundaries) to the point I'd just leave instantly. So he hasn't brought it up since.
- I've been roped into constant battles with him, accused of being selfish, accused of being 'jealous' of his kids, all because I refuse to allow these people to constantly invade my boundaries (aka I refuse to be a free on-demand nanny and I complain when our house is used as a 24/7 daycare respite dropoff for his ex-wife).
- They have a very old court order but he refuses to get it updated and he refuses to consult with a lawyer on how much to pay in CS so now he has every weekend PLUS he pays CS monthly, their cell phones, health insurance, clothes, school supplies, transports them around during the week to doctors/dentists/school drops, facetime video with them non-stop daily (sometimes while we are in bed), treats his kids like mini-spouses, and is basically a glorified 24/7 uber for his ex-wife's demands (more on this in another thread)
One day he looked over at me and said "We need to get married" and all I could think about is how trapped and dissatisfied I would feel with him because he seems to lack ability hold boundaries with his ex-wife/kids because he feels guilty for divorcing her/guilty if he upsets his kids.
I feel unhappy with him and his behavior and when I, as respectfully as possible, communicate my feelings he gets very defensive "D@mn! you always have a problem with my kids!"
I am at the point were I don't see too many benefits to staying with him long-term and just angry at him for not being honest about the intense amount of childcare he was desiring/expecting to the point the step-kid stuff IS ruining our relationship.
....Why can't my fiance be more cooperative? Does it get any better with time? He's made some slight changes but I'm not sure it's enough
Now I'm afraid to marry into a nightmare mess of a step family situation
Fortunately you see reality.
Fortunately you see reality. He wants an on-call nanny AND his ex has his balls in her pocket. RUN! This guy I not relationship.aterial. He's still too enmeshed with his ex and he hasn't done the post-divorce work. Dammit, he won't even update the CO. Get out while you can.
Hon, it sounds like "we need
Hon, it sounds like "we need to get married" is a translation for "I need your time and money specifically for my kids".
These children have two parents and you are not one of them. If you weren't in the picture, they'd have to do it themselves or hire people to help.
And there is always the possibility he will become the custodial parent, have the kids full-time, and there is no relief from BM (she could become incapacitated or pass away).
Get out of this toxic drama, give yourself time to heal, then look for a child free partner.
"Has he done the work?"
StepTalkers often ask, " Has he done the work?". It means, has he established a home where the kids feel comfortable coming? Dies he have a reasonable CO he follows? Does he have a workable relationship with BM? It sounds like your BF hasn't done the work to establish himself as an independent adult who parents his kids properly.
It took awhile for my DH85 to break the ties with BM and function well with his kids, too. He overdid, overpaid and couldnt understand why I was unhappy. We had 4 miserable years then all 3 kids moved in full time making a total of 5. Long story but if I had it to do over, I would have either kept my own separate place for awhile or split up.
You're seeing it realistically.
Run
This is the best it will get and quite likely it will get worse.
And honestly, wtf, was that supposed to be a proposal? "We need to get married." Ooo the romance.
I 100% know for fact you can AND DESERVE better.
You know he is not the one. Don't wait. End it.
Take care of you.
Sorry but your man sounds
Sorry but your man sounds awful. And yeah, the proposal "we need to get married"
My answer would be "like hell" and then I would LEAVE.
This guy wants a bed warmer, free nanny and on tap bank account. That's all you are to him.
Cut a track!
If a good friend came to you
If a good friend came to you and told you this story.. what would you tell them?
While there are issues that relate to his having children.. and an EX.. are uncomfortable and dysfunctional.. It seems the REAL issue is that he is not a good partner to you.
And.. I don't mean that he should be ignoring or cutting his kids short so he can run off and have fun with you. But the way he guilt trips you to get his way. The way he displays a natural dysfunction in his relationships with his (former) partner and his kids..the way that he quickly turns on you when your backbone gets too stiff for his liking.
That's not good partner behavior.
And.. you have a child yourself.. and I am assuming that you may share custody with your EX and that you both follow a reasonable custody schedule and communicate when necessary.. but have a fairly common view on how your child should be raised? If that's the case.. you are fortunate.
In your partner's case.. it seems that he is still semi "in" a relationship with his EX.. it sounds enmeshed.. and chaotic.
Now.. some things I might not fault him for.. custody court can be expensive.. maybe he figures the money he spends would probably be ordered anyway.. or that the amount he would save wouldn't amount to much. Maybe he has that "I'm the man so I pay the bills" attitude?
But.. he (and his EX) have already shown you that the expectation is that a partner for him will be a partner in caring for his kids. Now.. at 10 and 14 (is that now.. or the age 2 years ago?).. they should need relatively little childcare. a 14 yo is capable of watching a younger sibling for a few hours after school or on a saturday afternoon.. you should actually need to do very little childcare in that proper sense.. but if he expects that you may be "alone" in the home? well.. I think that's reasonable.. to be alone with them if he has to run out to do something.. as long as it's not really an active "care" situation..
But.. all of that kids stuff is kind of minor when you go back to the root of it.. and that there is a good reason for dating.. to find out if someone is a good match.. It doesn't appear that he is for you.. so I would take the experience for what it was.. and move on with your life.
Remember....
if it's "bad" now, marriage will only make it worse. You are one of the lucky ones...getting to truly "see" the truth, realizing it's impact on you and knowing it's not for you before signing that marriage certificate. I'd disolve this relationship as soon as possible. This guy needs heavy counseling and from your post, I doubt that would ever happen. So, unless you want THIS to be your future, please make some changes. For you and for your child. Best to you.
Welcome to the site
Please take the advice the other posters are offering.
We may seem like a blunt bunch but we have all been through the step-wars and have the scars to show. All the advice comes from a place of caring.
This is one where I'd say
This is one where I'd say listen to your gut. There are a number of issues here and it honestly doesn't sound like your boyfriend has done the work necessary to be ready for another relationship, let alone a marriage. Expect things to get worse, not better. I'd let this guy and his baggage go.
Step-life is HARD. Do you
Step-life is HARD. Do you know what makes it almost intolerable? I'm sure you do, because you are living it. A spouse who will not set boundaries with his ex and kids. And now the kids and ex run your life. I know that if that were my life I would not be married to my DH. As it is, things have only gotten harder as skids have become teenagers- not easier.
I would almost guarantee you will regret your decision if you marry him, or wish you had done things differently. Trust your gut, and this post makes it obvious that Your DH isn't willing to make your relationship a priority and put the structure in place needed to make YOUR relationship successful.
Step life
Step life can be a slippery road to hell. Especially when you have a DH that doesnt respect you and your boundaries.
Is this already dysfunctional relationship worth your effort. What will you get out of this? Anything good?
Blessings to a better life. Lose the chump and the toxic.
Life shouldnt be this hard.
These feelings will never go away
They will get stronger with more drama. You get involved in dram you don't want. Having your name dragged through the mud Pack your bags and leave. Find a new love