So The boyfriend is lying about his whereabouts and being sneaky, and enabling his daughter suffering from some sort of mental illness by sneaking around instead of telling her to go to therapy but it's the letter writer who is in the wrong.

She seriously said that he shouldn't have to explain himself when he disappears for days at a time and doesn't tell her where he's going or who he's with. Seriously. I mean dear Abby how do we know he is actually with his daughter and not with some other woman?

Thanks for sharing this there are so many layers and possible messed up directions!

Run. If your BF is dishonest to you, and hides the fact he is on vacation with his adult DD, then frankly he is not only a liar but a creepy one at that. To learn more about these toxic, enmeshed, dysfunctional relationships look up steptalk.org. Here you will find so many bright, talented, beautiful survivors of such relationships, and their nightmares they have endured.  Signed Dear Abby   

...your response is PERFECT! 

There is no reasonable explanation for a man to travel with his daughter and keep it a secret from his partner. Unless perhaps they are going to pick up an expensive, thoughtful, suprise gift for his partner in appreciation for all she endures.  

Well, her ultimate advice - if you can't accept that they're a package deal, find another gentleman friend - is correct.  No one in their right mind accepts a man and his adult daughter as a "package deal," and this woman needs to put her fastest sneakers on and RUN from her sneaky, lying, enabling BF.

I realize that all families are different, but the adult kids who need tons of alone time with their parents is a foreign concept to me. My mom has passed about 2 years ago, and though the thought of seeing my dad with someone new is uncomfortable, it isn't because i am afraid of it cutting into our alone time. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but the only person i've ever felt the need, as an adult, to have "alone time" with is an intimate partner. We have Sunday dinner twice a month with my dad, my sister, all the kids, and any significant others are invited. I talk to my dad on the phone about 5 times a week. But extended alone time? Weird to me.   ETA it sounds like codependency to me. 

I mean.. if the OP was having an occasional lunch with his daughter and not making a point to tell his SO because his SO and daughter did not like each other.. or if the SO was trying to cut him off from his daughter.. that is one thing.. but going on an out of state trip with someone without telling your SO feels like a big deception.

I mean.. yes.. his daughter will always be his daughter.. and you can even say that he has a right to have a relationship with her.. even if it may be separate from the one with his partner.. as long as it isn't to the point where his partner is getting an overly short end of the stick.. 

I think it's probably more likely that Abby tried to tell the LW that there was little chance of changing the relationship with the father/daughter.. so at that point.. she could accept it.. or leave.  It doesn't mean that what the dad did in hiding the trip was right.. or that even the extent of enmeshment with his daughter is healthy.. but that it is what it is.. and sometimes we do have to accept that the dynamic is dysfunctional and that we can't be happy in that space/relationship.

How insulting of Dear Abby!!! How dare she imply that HIM sneaking is because his girlfriend hasn't been accepting of his enmeshment with his daughter.

If the daughter is that much of a mess that she needs her father to sneak away on vacation with her, she needs therapy.

But men are also dumb. (okay some men) They think that hiding something is a good way to not piss off their partner, but, in fact, is a GREAT way to piss off your partner when they find out you're sneaking around.

My partner of almost 4 years (also a Widower) used to hide the fact he spent time with his (now 34 year old) daughter but it was because I didn't approve of them getting shit-faced drunk when they would hang out. So, in actuality, what he was hiding was getting drunk. I finally pointed out to him that if he was SO worried about his daughter because of her depression over her mom's death, getting drunk with her was REALLY irresponsible because alcohol would further depress her.

He's learned that he has my FULL support for spending time with his daughter and he's more open about their time together. But he has also taken steps to stop the heavy drinking with her. Their visits are much more sober and normal, now.

Since when is it encouraged for a husband to travel out of state and not tell his wife? That is never OK no matter the situation. 

Abby's response is incredibly slanted. Sure, MAYBE the LW might make it difficult for her DH to be open, but that is total speculation. And even if that was true, just because it might be difficult to communicate doesn't excuse his choice. I do think that the SD is entitled to spend time with her dad, and the dad is allowed to spend time with his daughter, but it's highly concerning that they feel the need to lie to the wife and spend so much time away it involves crossing state boarders. 

There is such negative regard for step parents in the media and this is making it worse!

For 5.5 yrs that when they reconnected and contacted hubby, we were already married 3.5 yrs with 2 toddlers. My husband has been firm on the fact that we are his priority and responsibility and take precedence over skid wants.

that if we plan an outing and skids want xyz then its sorry because they can't be civil and respectful or pleasant to be around. Hubby feels that at their ages of sd27, sd17 that they should be more independent and not require as much 1 on 1 time as me (his wife) or our 2 young kids. They need to be out in the world becoming independent self sufficient adults. 
 

i don't find any man taking off with his adult daughter interstate and not telling his significant other as very much an appealing man or catch

I have no issue with anything the DH did in the OPs original post except for the above part of the issue.

Stepdrama2020 - You nailed it! 

I also agree that this LW should run from this situation.  This man will forever be enmeshed with his adult daughter - the LW will never have any happiness in the relationship.  Her boyfriend's adult daughter sounds like a mini-wife!  And also, if this 27 year old woman has such anxiety that she needs her daddy, that's a problem - she needs some serious psychotherapy.  Her dad deserves to have a life and a partner - he doesn't deserve to be manipulated into spending every single second of his life appeasing his daughter.  How selfish of her.  Abby completed missed the mark on this one and any step parent knows it.   

Does this woman really believe that the 27 yo is his daughter?

There is none so blind ...

My DH's wife is also deceased and both of his kids travel extensively with him alone.  Iceland, San Francisco, Utah, England.  These are one on one trips--dad and one adult child at a time. (He doesn't lie or sneak around behind my back--just lets me know he's going on a trip with them and puts it in the calendar.)   Kids are now 28 and 24 and the eldest is married.  Married SD now invites dad to her home, but not me.  SS does the same. And DH has literally said "I'm all they have."  I wish I'd understood the dynamic better before we married.  Enmeshment works for them, not so well for me. The suggestion that LW run far and fast is a good one. 

I know this is an old post and i replied before, but i'm pretty sure the real Abby is dead. No telling what kind of gen Z skids they have answering her mail now. Prob the same kids who post on Reddit and Mommy sites.