We do things because we get something out of doing them.  I wonder what she's getting that's so compelling.  Sense of control?  Familiarity? Fear of change?  Emotional security?  Excess feeling of responsibility?

I agree that all aspects, health, financial, etc point to a change and I'd be frustrated, too.

Why is she worrying more about clients' needs and the firm's profits than about your future together? Also, despite what she might think, nobody is irreplacable ...

There's got to be a reason she's doing this.  But I don't think you're going to get to it by trying to force her.  If you sit down with her and encourage her gently to talk about her feelings, you might get somewhere.  But at no point be tempted to step in and try telling her what to do. 

Sorry to hear that. Stress will send you to an early grave. I know a few ppl like your wife (my sister for example) who will stay in toxic work environment because of their strong work ethic. Leaving a job = failure in their mind. Change also scares them somewhat so they will stay in difficult situations for years until health or work deteriorates or they are laid off/forced to quit.

I have found that talking in circles wont change much but will help them get some support. My sister ended up getting therapy and coaching to help her in the decision to quit her job. In her new job, it is less toxic but still very demanding and unfulfilling. I explained to her that she should invest in re orienting her career but she is afraid and not there yet

Career coaching may help your wife if her work ethic is getting in the way of changing jobs or leaving toxic professional environments...

Rags, I’ve been on this site for many a year and I always enjoy your contributions. It’s plain to see how much you adore your wife and the worry in your post is evident to everyone here. It’s also evident that both you and your wife are driven, successful and ambitious people.

Something has your darling wife stuck, it may be fear of the new, it may be misplaced loyalty to either the firm or her clients, it may be that she secretly doesn’t really feel that she deserves the upgrade in position and financial reward. Only she can figure that out. Outlining the financial benefits is not working, guilting her is not working, common sense is not working and now a serious health issue is not working to get her to move on.

My question to you is: how essential is her salary to your lifestyle? Could she take some time off work completely? Perhaps you could suggest that she look at going in a slightly new and exciting direction – working for herself? Maybe one or two of her most valued clients might consider coming with her in her new firm? She could chose how many clients to take on, how many hours to work, leave the stress behind, work from any part of the world or country that you live in… could something like this be an option that she might get excited about?

I'd suggest some kind of career therapy.  She clearly knows that the current position isn't right for her but she can't make the change that she needs to for a variety of reasons.  Some times you need a 3rd party to help you make these kind of decisions and it sounds like she is in that space.

There may be, as well as the misplaced guilt about leaving the current firm, some imposter syndrom issues about accepting a new position that she needs to work through.  

Only you know your wife but do you think she'd be willing to explore this with a trained career therapist?

I think you need to stop being her emotional outlet for work. If I had to take a guess, being able to complain to you, her friends, colleagues, therapists, etc releases jjjjuuuussstttt enough pressure that she can't hit rock bottom in her job and finally move on.

Stop talking about this with her. Stop letting her complain to you. A simple "honey, I love you, but I can't and won't keep listening to this if you're not going to do something about it" and shutting down the conversation is the route you need to go.

Will it put you in the dog house? Yes, but your DW knows that you don't want to be there. She knows you'll cave because you've done it in the past. I'm not saying she is purposefully manipulative. However, it's clear that she doesn't want to do the hard thing and she knows you don't like to see her suffer. So she'll let her feelings get hurt so you come back around and comfort her.

Stop it. Let her be mad at you. Let her stew in the situation she created. I know you're worried, but so long as you keep letting her vent you're only letting her run from the problem. By all means, have a list of resources to help her when she finally is ready to take the plunge and get out of her bad job. Be supportive when she finally takes steps. But until then, she has to feel the full force of her decisions.

She is acting like someone with an addiction. She is willing to hurt relationships, hurt her body, and hurt herself financially in order to keep doing what she is doing. I can't tell you what it is about this job that is addicting, but something is, and until SHE wants to really give it up she won't. So stop enabling her to keep doing these things that hurt her.

You've always talked about what a great care taker she is for everyone and I hazard a guess that she can't let go of that role and it's bled over to work.  Can she just quit and take a sabbatical from working and get her health back?  Transfer that need to care take to a pet? 
 

I also recently had to scare my hubby into shaping up with his health.  I got the book The Diabetes. Code by Dr Jason Fung and we have adapted his philosophy into our lifestyle and he has lost 20 pounds and me 30.  Since Thanksgiving.  It's a hard thing to watch your partner do this to themselves but keep trying.  The key to unlocking her thinking is out there somewhere.  

I'm in that situation myself. Ten years of constantly receiving evidence that I suck and am inferior to the other analysts. I got stuck and couldn't get out because I can't win any competitions to move on due to being thwarted and my abuser at work giving me crappy references. (I'm in competition mode rn though). I was told by my career coach and two therapists that I had over the last year that I NEED to get out because the longer someone stays in a work situation like that, the more likely the person either normalizes it or starts to think that it's them. We may consciously know that it's not us, but subconsiously we develop a fear that if we go somewhere else, the new people will see our incompetence or lack or whatever it is that we think is us. 

Your DW may have gotten to the point of doubting herself and truly doesn't believe that it's not her despite everyone and their dog telling her to move on. She has to believe it with conviction herself. She has to accept that information and truly know it but she can't do that if she pushes it away. Tons of people telling her to move on won't work because your DW isn't accepting it. There must be some kind of message she's getting at work or "evidence" if you will, that keeps reinforcing her (likely subconscious) belief that how she's being treated is because she's just not doing enough, doesn't care enough, isn't enough this, that or the other thing. She may come across as a very strong, independent woman, but sometimes we have some old garbabage, namely an issue like a deeply rooted belief, get triggered and we have to keep learning that lesson until we accept that there's a lesson to learn. It's up to your DW. You cannot convince her. 

Then there's the paradox that may be keeping your DW locked in. I know it may sound crazy, but... Your DW goes through hell at work, then she comes home and vents to you, her friends, family, therapist etc. In turn, they build her up and tell her how great and smart she is and that she deserves better. So, why would she need to leave when she's getting her fix? This isn't conscious by the way. So, she's getting fed the affirmations that she needs, but what she really needs is to really believe them herself at her core. When she can look in the mirror and tell herself those same affiramations of her deserving better with conviction, she will leave those bastards in her rear-view mirror pronto. But she's the one that has to do that for herself. She's the one responsible for her inner work. 

She likely will in short order because from what you say of her, she sounds like a very smart and wise lady. You're an awesome husband and it's great that you support your DW and cheer her on. 

Just my two-cents worth. Keep in mind I'm a psych major and done lots of therapy, so it could be my biased lens saying all of this.

It wasn't until I was technically "forced out" that I left. I had a 3 week vacation approved by all three of my supervisors...they knew it would take me a day to catch up once I returned and I could also log in remotely. The trip had been fully planned and purchased. Then a new VP came on the scene, pretty much told my supervisors that I would NOT be leaving for 3 weeks. I could quit. And that's what I did. That VP did not know how much work I did. They had to pull in 3 people to cover my work load, and finally settled with 2. That VP was eventually run off. 

Some of the reasons I stayed in my high pressure job:

1) Income. I've been supporting myself in some fashion since I was 15 years old. To NOT have a job scared me. I'd never left a job without having one to go to. 

2) Comfort. I knew my people...my co-workers...in our smaller office of the corporation. We worked hard, got along and accomplished everything we needed to do as a team.

3) Fullfillment. While work was never my complete fullfillment as my husband - he got so much validation from his work, and doing what he loved - I did get some validation. I don't have a college degree. I worked my ass off to get ahead in the company and was the only Office Mgr without at least an Associates in the entire business. I traveled across the country, training people and had them flown in to my office to train. So, that did give me some satisfaction.

I don't know how you get through to your wife. I do know that health issues is what woke me up in StepHell. I was SICK from SK crap. And knowing I want to live to be old and healthy, well...I had to do something. All I can suggest is go to her with major concern...tell her how much you love her and you aren't nagging...you are worried about her health. And maybe, as someone suggested, she see a career counselor. 

You're a good husband, Rags. I think your Sweetheart will see things soon, especially after your comment about family. Best to you both.

She is in an abusive relationship. While it is not a "romantic" relationship it is abusive. Just like people get stuck in abusive romantic relationships, same applies for other types. Likely her abusers are using similar mind fvck techniques. Seriously, have her see a therapist that specializes in abusive (domestic) relationships. 

Of loyalty/duty.  I had the same feelings when I was running the county's 911 system (IT) single handedly Which included supporting all the local police fire and ambulance districts including campus security.  Also the local sheriff department.  Most counties this size have at least 4 to 6 people doing what I was doing all by myself.

Looking back I'm glad I got out now.  I left extremely detailed instructions on how to do the various components of the job which was way more than what I was left with when the previous guy retired. 

I should add that the previous retired guy only focused on the software... his ex wife who once worked there did the hardware.   I was doing BOTH and getting paid less.

I was also extremely resentful because I did not get the same pay grade as the guy before me which didn't help my health any.

That job will go on even if she leaves one way or another.

Can she take her clients with her forming her own business?

... but I just love you & your wife and hope she makes a positive change.

But also like the therapy option.

So try the therapy suggestion, THEN if she refuses, try the disengagement suggestion. If youve tried EVERYTHING and she still refuses to change her situation, then its definitely on HER for making those choices. And you can step out of the feedback loop, kindly and with love.

I think there are a few things going on.... mainly.. fear of the unknown.

It's better the devil you know than the one you don't right?  She knows her current situation.. and despite the crap she deals with.. her job is comfortable.. for lack of a better word.

Even good changes are stessors for people.. so simply changing to a new job.. won't automatically mean reduction of stress.. and she also likely worries that the toxicity she experiences at her current job.. could be just as present at any new job.. but she wouldn't have the years of "professional currency" to keep her employed there.  And.. I have worked in financial/accounting (former CPA myself) and people can be tools.. and I have seen it at almost every place I have worked.. so her firm's issues.. are NOT isolated and she probably worries she will end up in a worse situation.. with less stability.

Which brings up the bobbles with your employment.. likely makes her extra cautious.. as she probably feels more stress that she has to keep her end of the rope tight.. 

I do kind of agree with the gentle but firm... "you know there are other options.. but if you can't make a change.. you will have to stop trauma dumping on me.. " 

Or tell her you could make a financial plan that would allow you both to survive for X months.. if the worst happened to make her feel there is a safety net?

I agree that there is something stopping her--in the emotional, not logical, realm. Is she so much of a people pleaser that she can't see her way to telling her boss that she's taking another job? Or leaving the clients she works with? She can work on a script of sorts to help prepare for those conversations.

And it's ok if she has mixed emotions, especially considering the clients she has come to know. It's hard to let go of something that's become part of your identity, but she is not just her job. She's way more than that.

I hope she can see the big picture and get past whatever is holding her back.

Fear of change. Fear of starting new. Fear of not succeeding. All of the above. All of the above.

Both my husband and I stayed in the same jobs teaching in a terrible school system for a total of 62 years between us -- Because we just did not want to change. (I was better at change than him. At least I went to several different buildings; in 33 years, he was only in 2. ) What did we get out of it? Total aggravation/constant frustration with administration/rotten pay in comparison to other districts. The only thing we actually got out of this? Paid health insurance when we retired. We paid nothing while he was alive. And I pay all of $330 a year now. Was that one benefit worth staying in that system? I don't know.

What I do know is that neither one of us wanted to change the district and change the salary and change the step that you were on which regulated your seniority… So we stayed. No matter, how bad everything was, it was a known factor and we didn't feel like stepping into an unknown; however, We also got out the minute that we could /neither one of us were ever big spenders  plus we had invested well and paid off the house so no lifestyle changes. By the time we retired, both kids were gone, adults out on their own.....

It was truly a toxic work environment and I don't know whether we could've made our marriage work had not both of our kids been older when we married and out of the house.

For DW!!!

And yay for you!!!