Needing advice
My DH has 2 SD (6&7), and we have one child together under the age of two. I have not been involved in his SD lives outside of limited visitations (mostly during holidays). They had always lived far away and frequent visitations just weren't feasible until this year. My DH works swing shifts so he is constantly going between days and nights working 12 hour shifts and driving an hour to and from work, so basically he is gone 14-15 hours when he works and is only home long enough to sleep. He gets about 14 days off but not consecutively they are sparsed out between his work days. This being said it is difficult navigating his schedule and raising our son because most days I am doing it alone while also working full time and going to school full time. He does his share as far as laundry, dishes and such but the majority of taking care of our son falls on me. Not saying this to complain, just trying to paint the picture. He recently went to mediation to set up visitation. I told him that he would either need to figure it out around his work schedule or find someone else to take care of them when he had them on his long work weeks because I can't do it. I am already overwhelmed with everything and adding two kids who don't know me will not be okay. This caused a huge blow up because he accused me of being unwilling to take on any responsibility. I don't feel that his kids are my responsibility especially considering I don't have any kind of established relationship with them. I feel like he wants to just use me as free child care and exspects me to go along with it under the guise of being their "stepmom". The kids also have a lot of trauma they are dealing with so they are naturally acting out. They aren't bad kids but they are dealing with a lot and I think it would damage any potential relationship I could have with them by forcing me to become a "parent" to them before any type of trust is built, and to be honest I am not sure I am equipped to deal with their needs plus a toddler by myself. It's a lot. He expects me to take care of them for two weeks at a time basically alone and work full time, take care of a toddler, and go to school full time. Am I wrong for telling him no and he needs to figure out their care outside of expecting me to do it all? I know a lot of people look at it as "well you signed up for this", and all of that but I did not sign up to take care of them alone like this.
You're not wrong. His
You're not wrong. His expectations aren't reasonable or realistic. Full time job, full time school and primary parent to your own child is already an overflowing plate.
Are the SDs still long distance so that this is going to come up rarely, or is this going to be a regular thing? What changed?
No longer long Distance
They are no longer as long of a distance. 4 hours away now. And it would be roughly 4 times a year I would have to keep them alone for multiple weeks consecutively while he was at work. They have weird break schedules in that they get 3 weeks off from school for spring and fall and two for summer and winter. So not frequently but they are also when I will be having finals and a heavier work load because of working at a college.
You are right on every count.
You are right on every count. These kids are not your responsibility. When they come for visitation they come to see their father, not spend all day with his wife. Doe he think the point of visitation is just to take them away from their mother for a while regardless of who they are with? Stick to your guns. This is a hill worth dying on.
Bottom line - if he wants his kids there he has to actually be there for them. If he can't be there, they go right back to their mother.
BM refuses to work that out with him
He petitioned for this but his lawyer, BM, and her lawyer refused to allow this to happen. But I think he just kinda gave up and said fine my wife can watch them or we will figure it out. But it does seem stupid for them to be here if he's gone 14 hours out of the day.
I agree with you and
I agree with you and Winterglow's post pretty much says it all. His kids are not your problem. This is between him and their mother to figure out the visitation schedule, arrange for transportation, etc. I would not budge on my position if I were you - do not get dragged into this visitation mess. You have enough going on with your own child and schedule. Also, I'm a little confused on why he would want them at your house if he isn't even going to be there? I mean, isn't that the point of visitation, so he could spend time with his kids?? As Winterflow posted, if he wants to see his kids, then he needs to have them visit when he is actually there.
Maybe he could have a visitation day/days with his kids on his off days if he knows when those are?
Please keep us posted!
Lawyers agreement
He didn't want it this way, but was forced into it by the lawyers and BM I think. Because according to him he fought them on it but all the (our lawyer, hers lawyer and BM) told him no basically this is how it would work.
Were you involved or are you
Were you involved or are you just hearing this second hand from him? Seems odd that his own lawyer wouldn't fight for something that made sense for your husband.
Second hand so idk honestly
Second hand so idk honestly if he just gave in or wasn't paying attention. It baffled me too because why are we paying this guy money to not do what we asked him to do.
Nope.
Why was your DH listening to her lawyer. Her lawyer's job is to get what his client wants.
Never forget that your lawyer works for you.
If they do not deliver what you hired them for fire them and find one who will. The same applies to doctors and therapists.
Far too many people either ignore that their professional service providers work for them, or.... are of the opinion that these employees have some level of importrance that exempt them from performing as you hire them to perform.
You lawyer in no way should be advising you to comply with the opposition's position or the opinion of the opposition's lawyer. Your employee owes you viable alternatives if they cannot deliver on your requirements or if your requirements are not possible.
Though we did win in court, at least mostly, we fired our attorney . Our lawyer was clearly more interested in coddling their relationship with the judge and the opinion of the small town they practiced in than in doing the job we hired them to do. As the ongoing battles with the blended family opposition continued we hired our killer shark attorney.
When we first met with them they asked a few questions.
We payed his retainer on the spot. From then until SS-30 aged out from under the CO at 18 we never had to have in court representation again. A letter from our killer shark attorney scared the shit out of the SpermClan and they slithered back under their slime covered rock at the bottom of their shallow and polluted gene pool, or... we used our shark to avise us and we represented ourselves pro-se.
We never lost.
So, hold your attorney accountable to your expectations, or find one who will deliver.
Good luck.
I am thinking about emailing
I am thinking about emailing or calling the lawyer directly to ask him follow up questions because I feel like he's not doing his job well and DH is having to relay my questions to him and then going back and forth. He doesn't think the way I do and doesn't ask follow up questions, so it's always a guessing game.
im not sure if this is allowed though.
Your DH has some pretty
Your DH has some pretty unrealistic expectations of you. Being a woman does not equate to free childcare whenever the husband demands it.
As others have said, the kids are there to see HIM. Not spend time with someone they barely know.
You are completely right
I tend to find myself falling towards the sides of step parents being more involved, and being turned off by those who want to disassociate. Even with my bias, expecting you to raise his kids for him while he is at work and not even there to help is not reasonable.
Being open to establishing a relationship with them, and open to them being at your shared home more is a very giving attitude to take on your part. If he can't make the time work to spend with his kids, he should not be trying to gain additioanl custody time with them until he can figure that part out.
I agree
I told him that once a relationship was established and we had solidified ground rules I wouldn't mind keeping them. But as it stands the oldest has no respect for me and will look at me as she does something I have told her multiple times not to do (the very few times I have been alone with her). She has a difficult time with authority to begin with and is volatile because of a lot of trauma she has dealt with at BM home. I am not equipped to handle it alone and don't have her trust enough to be the disciplinarian yet. He seems to think because the lawyers wrote it that way he no longer has a say, and that I should just do it and I just can't.
Does your husband get
Does your husband get vacation days that he could take when his kids are on their breaks? Are there grandparents in the area? Has he researched child care? If you're busy and overwhelmed with school, work and your own child, how would you handle them even if his children behaved for you? That doesn't even seem like the problem. How long until you finish school and are down to just a full time job?
No grandparents in the area,
No grandparents in the area, and he doesn't have any vaccation during this time because his company won't allow him to take it that frequently. And he hasn't done anything regarding child care that he has shared with me. He doesn't handle that with our child so idk if he fully grasps how difficult it is to find child care. I'm also only into my second semester so I have another year of school left.
What do you do for child care
What do you do for child care for your own child when you're at school and work? Do you have a child care provider who could take his kids as well on a temporary basis? You need to make clear to him that you will not be able to watch his kids and other arrangements (either childcare or different custody arrangements) need to be made. Don't let him bully you into this, and be perfectly clear so he can't say he didn't understand when his kids show up and he expects you to watch them.
I did check with my sons
I did check with my sons daycare and they are full and have a year waitlist even for the slots regarding the summer. But also because the times are so weird they don't offer full day for that age range at that time. Most of their kids are either in the kindergarten or school so they don't have a need. It's a small church program so they work on like 1 school district that has a completely different schedule. Outside of that we don't have any babysitters or anything. He has mentioned his mom possibly taking them but idk to what extent that would be and she is a 5 hour drive from us so it's not exactly a convenient thing of just handing them off. I was just honestly questioning myself if I was being unreasonable, even though I knew deep down I wasn't.
He is using guilt and
He is using guilt and gaslighting you in to acting responsible instead of being responsible for the kids he made. Don't fall for it.