My DH has two daughters (5,6) with his ex-girlfriend. She has a BF she has been with for about 3-4 years now (not positive on how long). They lived in a different state (20Hr away) when my DH and I got together, and only moved back into our state after we got married. He facetimed them often before they moved back, but was never able to really do visits because he traveled 100% for work and then COVID happened. My DH and I discussed the situation regarding his ex, and he assured me that they were on good terms and had a mutual understanding regarding co-parenting. I was skeptical because she had been so toxic to him in the past, but I trusted his judgment and gave her the benefit of the doubt. Things with that situation were fine until she moved 4 hours away and we started visitations (no CO, because they both come from divorced homes and wanted to avoid the court mess). My parents are happily married and have been my whole life, so I just accepted that maybe staying out of court was best. Not my kids, not my call. But ever since they moved back in 2020 it has been a nightmare. She was military and her BF was military and married, they were having an affair, he left his wife for her, his ex-wife got revenge by calling his NCO and letting them in on the situation. They were both facing an investigation and potentially jail time for fraternization and infidelity. So, they had to rush to get out of the military and out of that state. I explain this because it was a very abrupt transition that no one had expected. (I also did not know ANY of this at the time. My DH only told me about the fraternization part). 

In the process of moving back, my DH and her had constant contact through text. This caused some jealousy on my part because he had never texted her this frequently before. I tried to remind myself that he never hid the messages and that all conversations were about the kids, and this honestly helped until I got irritated one night and we got into a huge argument. I told him that it was bothering me that every time I looked over, he was texting her, but that I understood, and I just needed some time to adjust. He ended up making the comment that he would always have respect for her because she was the mother of his children. She is a horrible human being, I understood keeping things neutral for co-parenting but respecting somone like her. I couldn't fathom it. Even after him apologizing, this statement still pops back up in my head every now and again.  Things with her continued to deteriorate. Her BF lost it one night and pulled a gun on her (we later found out he threatened suicide all the time this way, but usually only pulled it on himself). Supposedly SD's were not in the house at the time, but waiting for her in the car. My DH told her he did not want this man around his children if he was that unstable. Her response was that the BF was more of a father to the girls than my DH was, and that she loved him, and they were going to work it out. He was back in the home the next day living with them again. We tried to get CPS and police involved but nothing worked. We were told there was nothing we could do because she refused to give us her address and since they had just moved there was no record of an address change. We couldn't press charges on him because he had done it to her and not the kids. I was quite literally worried sick for months about this situation. I wasn't sleeping and was just in a constant state of stress. Trying to help figure out what to do. After being told repeatedly (by police, CPS, and lawyers) nothing could be done, we both gave up.

We kept in contact with the kids, and they were fine, we followed the checklist CPS had given us anytime we saw them to just do everything possible to make sure they were safe at home (made sure there were no signs of abuse). Things had calmed down, and I found out I was expecting my first child. We did Thanksgiving and Christmas that year and the kids seemed to be doing okay. We also found out BM and BF were expecting a baby.

I was due in mid-July, and in March his ex-mentions that she was leaving the country for 2 months because of work and wanted to know if he wanted to take the kids. She wasn't sure of dates but thought it was going to be end of June through July. My DH said that he would have to work something out but did not want to put me in that situation with it being so close to the due date. He wasn't sure what we would do if I went into labor with them here because there would be no one here to help us with them. We were also living with my parents at the time while our house was being finished, so that also affected our ability to keep them. He said that maybe his mom (lives an hour away from them, but 5 hours from us) and he could figure something out. His mom was more than happy to help and delayed the start of her new job to keep them at her house. This plan was solidified in May when she had official dates (BM completely bypassed my DH and went straight to my mother-in law). So we actually had no idea the dates until my mother-in-law mentioned it thinking we had been made aware of the plan by BM. The dates had changed to the beginning of June through the end of July. Two weeks before she leaves, she got mad at my mother-in-law, and tells her she's NOT keeping them that they were staying with the BF. My DH freaks out about it ,but again we are told absolutely nothing we can do about it, because he lived with them and that my DH could go pick them up. Which was the plan until, again the Bf blew up. A nonviolent restraining order was filed, CPS was involved, and she had to move out the week before she left the country. So, we had to once again uproot everything last minute. We had to have my mother-in-law go pick them up and keep them because I was having complications with my pregnancy at this point (I had developed HELLP syndrome). Directly after I had my son, she kept pushing for my DH to allow her to move to Japan with the girls. Threatened to drag him to court if he did not sign the papers and just constantly harassed him about it. (She had gotten a job and she has close family there). I told my DH that it was all his decision and if he wanted to fight her on it, we could just go to court. I was recovering from an emergency C-section, was still having complications due to HELLP and he had just started a new job that he was now traveling 75%. We had also been told that with his schedule they would most likely allow her to leave because he wasn’t “involved enough” in their lives so here or in Japan it would all be the same. At this point we were both exhausted and discouraged, we wanted to at least try and fight it but we couldn’t afford a lawyer after my surprise medical bills. So he just gave up and signed them. This was the end of July; she was supposed to leave after she had her baby. I asked my DH repeatedly when they were leaving, what was going on with the situation, etc. but his answer would always be I don't know. I continued to ask questions and was met with I don't know. It was months of not knowing if they were actually leaving or not. Then around Thanksgiving we finally learned that she wasn't going. She didn't want to take the children away from their friends. She had decided this in October and just never thought to tell my DH. I knew there was more to the story than just not taking the kids away from their friends, but I also knew my DH was not going to ask any questions. So, I let it go. Then we picked the girls up for Christmas and the BF was with her. He had moved back in with them. So we had the real reason she chose to stay. 

The entire situation is constantly stressful, but it is even worse because I can't discuss it with my DH. He just emotionally shuts down. I hate any time we have visitation with them because I lose sleep and appetite because I am so angry at their mother for doing this to them, but also at my DH for the way he handles his interactions with her. I have a long, long list of things I want to say to her, because of how she criticizes my DH. He never responds to her, and any time I show emotion about it he shuts down or we end up arguing. He is very quick to put everyone else around him in their place, but never her. Which is why I think I resent the situation so much. I understand not wanting to cause issues out of nothing, but my thoughts are if she is berating you as a means to manipulate the situation and make you give into her demands, it is necessary to set boundaries. I don't want it to be an argument, but not confronting the issue with her allows it to continue. Any time she does something wrong she attacks him as a father because she knows it will get him to stop talking. She controls the situation with the girls, making statements like "If you aren't going to give me more money than I don't think you really need to be seeing the girls" or waiting until the very last second to make finalized plans regarding visitations. I hate having my routine interrupted, but I can cope if I have a set plan in my head. I have anxiety and chaos and I are not simpatico.

I think it affects me more because I have an extremely hard time separating my resentment of the situation from the girls. I feel like a terrible human because I know they are kids and it is in no way their fault, but it's always associated with them. I honestly just shut down when they are here and detach from them. We don't see them often, so I have no relationship with them outside of the stress caused by their mother. Does it make me a horrible person to just stop caring about the entire situation and to disengage?