Validating Conversation with Sis-in-Law
I had a super validating conversation with my (soon to be) sister in law at my home for Christmas gathering.
My fiancés daughter (11) was the first born grandchild, the only other two grandchildren are 6 & 4. I was talking with their mom (my fiancés brother's wife) and I was venting a little about my fiancés family (she totally agrees and gets it & has been around for 16 years vs my 3 years) but something got brought up that I have always thought/saw and that is the fact that my fiancés daughter is totally favored and gets special treatment from the grandparents.
My fiancé was young when he had her (24) (and her mom was only 19) so Grandma stepped in a lot, which is fine.... but I think that the relationship went too far and she feels like she needs to be her second mom always and it's very annoying.
The other kids also feel left out a lot because it is very obvious that my SD is the favorite. They go to all her games, all her extracurricular activities and not to the other grandchildren's. They buy her presents all the time for no reason and not the other grandkids.
They also shower her with endless compliments every time she's around.
I have personally witnessed my future mother-in-law tell my SD "well, WE have a VERY SPECIAL relationship, more than all the other grandkids.” And "You're just so beautiful, you've always been the MOST beautiful out of all the grandkids and cousins."
Like; how can you say that to just ONE grandchild? Its so awful! Knowing that all of the others realize this too makes me so sad for the other kids and makes me even more grossed out/pissed off when I hear my soon to be mother-in-law talk to my SD this way.
I do feel that this has certainly contributed to why my SD has a very entitled attitude and gets away with literally anything with no consequences; because since the minute she was born she has been made to feel like the sun shines out of her a**hole!
Anyone else deal with this? It is so incredibly frustrating!
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Its not just a grandparent thing but also a parent thing
Many of us grew up with parents favoring 1 particular child who seemed to do no wrong, who always got presents etc whilst the other(s) got hand me downs and were criticised.
I experienced the same with my mother and myncousins the same with theirs but their mums deny this favoritism. Even today my brother believes his kids should be loved more over and above mine yet he has made no effort to establish a relationship or brought them to see our elderly dad whilst I regularly visit.
Ugh!
That sucks, I'm sorry! It is so strange because the favoritism for my SD seems like it has nothing to do with my fiancé being favorite growing up. If anything he was kind of the back burner middle child. I think that it is because my SD's parents were so young when they had her and her mother was emotionally distant for most of her life and still is even though she has her 60% of the time. My fiancé overcompensates because of this and I think his parents do to, although I'm sure they would deny that's the reason why. So irritating.
Time for you, DH, BIL & SIL
To grow some collective balls and put the IL's in their place. Particularly DH's toxic overstepping mommy.
She needs to be put firmly in her proper place.
My MIL and FIL used to be
My MIL and FIL used to be like this until preteens hit and SD15 started acting nasty towards them. They still get her more gifts than the other grandchildren but the favortism is less obvious.
My childfree SIL (MeddlesomeSIL) is the major favoritism player. She was a teenager when DH had SD at 23. She's now grown to treest SD from being a precious little toy to a peer. She gives her so much more special attention than her other 4 nieces and nephews.
All of my in laws and DH all do the showering with praise and compliments thing too. They praise SD for doing ANYTHING and they thank her profusely for anything too. It's sick, they seriously thank her repeatedly for spending time with them. It's so ick.
Ugh!
Yup, sounds about right! These dynamics are very hard to change, especially since this was going on for eight years before I came into the picture.
If you don't mind my asking, what is the SD like now? You said that she turned nasty towards them but what is her overall personality towards her family and peers and her outlook in life?
My SD11 is definitely entitled but NOT bratty/snotty/nasty but definitely obsessed with herself, loves hearing stories about herself from everyone 24/7, LIVES for the compliments, thinks she can do no wrong, super "soft", overly sensitive and can't take any criticism, lazy, no motivation to do/be better and puts no effort into anything.
Wondering if there's a correlation?
At 11 my SD was very similar,
At 11 my SD was very similar, she loved the topic of conversation to always be able her, especially stories from before I was around or when she was a baby. I swear I had to sit through hearing her birth story more than once. My SILs in particular we're always happy to indulge her, mostly because it was a way to exclude me.
SD became more and more of a snotty mean girl. She used to be very polite but after a while she acted like she was above everyone. She would criticize everything like a critic giving a bad review. I couldn't stand going out to eat or watching movies with her because she would criticize everything. My DH and I have prodding senses of humor and make digs at each other as banter always harmless things, the few times DH tried it with SD were not pretty.
My SD stopped putting in effort to school or anything after getting tons of praise. Why keep trying if everyone tells you you're better than everyone already? BM has a major superiority complex too and is racist as well. DH says it's rubbed off on SD.
SD is kind of girl I wouldn't have been friends with in highschool. But she wouldn't care because she would probably be one of the kids that hangs on the edges of the popular group because they wear all name brands.
Big red flags.
Are you sure you want to marry into this dysfunctional family? People like this seldom change, and if your fiance starts drawing boundaries you'll be blamed for it.
Also, please be very careful about being too candid with your SIL. If she's survived in that dynamic for sixteen years she may not be above throwing you under the bus. Being around people like this is like swimming with sharks.
It does not matter. Their
It does not matter. Their family dynamics will always prevail. You should just watch your back more since the in laws are catering to your steps entitlement. In the end, it will backfire on you if you try to interfere
Your sister in law may agree with you now but she will repeat everything you said about her niece to her mother and they will band against you when time comes.
With in laws who are excessively attached to steps, its best to put on a face and never share your opinions on anything. They will use it against you when the time comes.