Just sad and disappointed.
I've been trying SO hard to keep a more positive attitude regarding SD12 lately and not letting her behavior effect me and this morning it's come crashing down and I'm just sad and dissapointed so this is just a vent post.
Its baby shower day! I'm so happy.....then...... SD12 drama happens and now I'm grasping at whatever I can right now to keep a positive attitude and put this out of my mind so I can enjoy my shower and the family and friends that will be there that WANT to be there for me and my family.
It kind of started last night so I shouldn't be surprised but for some dumb reason I held out hope. My DH was telling her she and he needed to be at the hall to help set up by 9am (10 mins from our house) and she started whining and complaining. (Mind you, yesterday morning I was up at 6:30am for a nearly 2 hour round trip to get her to her 3 hour volleyball game.) He told her to knock it off (to my surprise) and then she started talking about an outfit to wear. I told her to wear something nice and she said "Is my new Nike hoodie nice?" I said "No, ladies wear dresses or nice dress shirts and dress pants to showers." (She has plenty of dresses and nice sweaters/shirts.)
This morning after DH's yelling up to her several times because she just wasn't doing what she should be to get ready and causing them to be late/fall behind she comes down in a long sleeve purple shirt hanging off her shoulders and a camouflage pair of leggings and looks like she hasn't showered in a week.
DH looked at her then looked at me and I said "No hunny you're not wearing camouflage leggings to a shower- please go change and be quick- you're running behind now."
She goes upstairs and starts taking forever, DH knew I was getting frustrated and goes up there and then I hear it, the full blown tempter tantrum and crying saying "I don't want to wear a dress!"
I'm proud of DH because he told her "You're going to put this dress on right now and I won't hear another word about it and I'm not arguing and we are leaving now."
But how hurtful to me. I do so much for her, despite my personal hardships and feelings I have towards her, I'm never rude and disrespectful to her, I keep my criticisms in private on this site and between my hubby and best friend personally and do anything she needs while she is in my household.
Yesteday before her game I did her hair, washed her outfit, got her water bottle ready and everything she needed for the game, and not even 24 hours later this is the attitude I get about the shower for my son and her half brother.
I'm trying so hard not to let this ruin the day for me but I know everytime I glance at her today she'S going to have a miserable mopey look on her face and it's going to feel like the night of the benefit dinner (that I blogged about last) all over again.
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enjoy your shower as if she's
enjoy your shower as if she's just a different guests child acting up. don't give oxygen to her. let Dad deal and you bask in your day!
Thank you.
Thank you so much. Yes, this is very true and exactly what I've told myself to think going here this morning. I can't change it so I'm just going to do everything I can to avoid it.
SD knows once the baby comes
She will no longer be the center of attention. SD became the center when playing the dress game, once new baby arrives, no one will care about SD. She can stay home or go out not your problem.
You will no longer care about SD games. You will disengage from her. You will have more important thing in your mind
So true.
This is so true. Not sure if this is because this is normal typical behavior for her or she's just grasping at straws to try to retain her center of attention princess attitude she has had about herself from the second I stepped in the picture. She will need to learn how to share the floor with other people, and be considerate for once.
I kind of feel for your sd.
I kind of feel for your sd. She knew it was a special occasion and was given vague instructions as to what to wear (especially when she is not experienced at going to formal events) then she is told her outfit is unsuitable, made to choose something to else in a very short space of time and eventually forced to wear something she isn't comfortable in. I think I might be miserable too if I was 12 year old her.
Next time your husband needs to help her pick out an outfit (perhaps with a spare option) before the morning of an important event. I bet most of the other ladies at your shower chose an outfit before this morning.
Anyway, this is not your problem and not your fault. Enjoy your day and forget about sd.
Yikes.
Yikes.
She was given several suggestions of outfits we knew she had the night before but thanks for your input.
I responded to the post as
I responded to the post as you wrote it, where those details were omitted. I was just trying to think things through from your sd's point of view. It is something I have been trying recently myself when dealing with difficult people. I find it can sometimes help explain their behavior.
Flashing back
I'm flashing back to my 12yo self. I'm positive I never gave any thought or appreciation to what my stepdad did for.me, sadly. That didn't come until my twentes.
Sorry your 12yo is acting pouty today. Relax and enjoy your shower.
12 Y/O kids.
While I understand that 12 Y/O kids may have a natural tendency to be somewhat self centered I certainly don't think it's an excuse to be whiney and disrespectful without regard to how that may make their step parent feel.
My frustrations with how this morning went were not necessarily that she didn't appreciate what I did for her with her volleyball game yesterday but more so in how she responded to having a responsibility to do something nice for me, for once; and how she conducted herself at the first moment she was slightly inconvenienced.
I guess I was raised differently.
My parents would have never tolerated such behavior and made sure I was fully aware of how to act and show up for other people that do a lot for me and I'm glad they did because I was raised to be a respectful adult that is very considerate of others.
Try not to take it personal.
Try not to take it personal. The stress of trying to please adults with a particular attire in a short time frame could have been overwhelming to her
These kids have less ability to regulate their emotions/control their environment like we as adults do. So they will meltdown at times.
Take a step back. Helping her so much the day before and then thinking she will be cooperative as a result is setting yourself up for disappointment.
Let your husband do more to help you with her so youre not getting burned out/frustrated
Knowing her temperament....perhaps at the next major event call in back up (like some aunts, grandmas, heck a hired nanny) to help so the adults can get ready without stopping every minute to tend to her AND/OR explain to her that if she doesn't try to be more cooperative then she will not be allowed to attend events in the future and make ALL your major events adults only
congrats on your baby
Also to add,
Also to add,
I had to attend a major event with my ex and all those kids. (Which - sharing bathrooms and scrambling with a houseful of people was something I was NOT used to ever having to do) so thank goodness my ex had the common sense for once in his life to let his ex wife do her damn job and help her needy kids get ready for the event at her house and he simply picked them up when it was time to go.
I wanted to kick him under the table every time he said he felt guilty about not helping his kids get ready but I was more wise than him to know good and damn well we'd be late dealing with the chaos if they were there
My point is you're learning how preteens are, how this girl is, how your husband is, and so now in the future you will be better prepared to minimize stress on yourself etc.
Best of luck in your upcoming events and hope your shower went well despite the rocky start
Keep having the same over
Keep having the same over estimated expectations of this shit spawn and you will suffer the same disappointing resutls. Stop that.
For damned sure stop letting her have any influence on your mood or how you enjoy your life. Be direct, be firm, be clear. "You can stink be greasy and look like shit when you are with your mom, but you will not be that way when you are in my life. GO SHOWER AND GET DRESSED NOW!". If I were you, would plant her mopey, stinky, greasy ass in a corner sitting in an uncomfortable chair facing the walls and tell her not to move or issue a sound while at y our shower. Then have her father right next to her with his hairy eyeballs all over her. While you enjoy yourself, your friends, and your family celebrating your baby.
She will keep this crap up as long as she is allowed to get whatever benefit she thinks she can get out of acting like the POS that she is. So, make her life one of escalating abject misery and do not give her a thought beyond "STFU and do what you are told."
12yo is old enough to be left at home rather than allowing her to pollute events with her presence. Just make sure to shut off the router as you leave so she has to figure out something to do other than rot her mind with a screen.
Congratulations on the baby.
You’re right
I know I need to stop getting my hopes up that she will suddenly start to mature and have a better attitude about stuff like this.
I hate everytime she affects my mood and I desperately want to get to a point where I am not phased by her.
It just makes me so sad to get to that point because by then it means I've fully given up on her and I wish it were different. I wish she made it easy to get along with her and feel a connection with her.
Naive of me to think. Ugh.
I don't think it is naive at
I don't think it is naive at all. You are a good person. Good people try. Though IMHO there is no need to suffer because we are good. Particularly at the hands of people who are not. Even if they are kids. 12 is far more than old enough to know right from wrong. Do not remain her victim. Put and keep her in her place and enjoy your life and marriage.
She...does not matter. You do.
Hey Rose,
Hey Rose,
I recognize much of myself in you and am convinced that part of your disappointment and upset with your SD is your excess of empathy. Because you would never dream of knowingly hurting someone’s feelings, the girl’s selfishness and ingratitude are all the more wounding. My siblings have often accused me of ‘having no skin’; I agree and often wish there were a tad more psychopathy in my personality. Being sensitive to any instance of conflict/negativity in any gathering, my own SD’s pouty, egocentric (and shockingly lazy) character made my married life excruciating. I was literally sick from stress.
Hon, I can well imagine how you feel, living with a spoiled attention hog who repaid your kindness (the volleyball run) with a temper tantrum over a request to dress appropriately for your baby shower! For a highly sensitive person, the response to such an exhibition would have been severe. You may have been capable of forgetting the upset and enjoying your special day but I’ll bet the farm that SD’s disruption managed to put a damper on your pleasure. It's these continuous disturbances that wear down a stepparent, little by little, until resentment reaches a stage where dislike expands into downright hatred.
To repeat what I wrote last month:
~ It’s past time for a serious, ‘come to Jesus’ discussion with your husband about reining in his daughter before the baby arrives and she finds herself out of the limelight. ~
It appears that your husband is finally making an attempt to correct his daughter but a lot more needs to be done before your son arrives. You’ll need your DH’s support, after your son’s birth, resulting in little time left for him to continue coddling/enabling his older child. Nearly as important as a second pair of hands, is your right to a peaceful, comfortable atmosphere in which to bond with your infant and adjust to a new, often stressful, reality.
Your DH must understand that you and the newborn have to take precedence, at least until the household is in a routine. Has he tried to include his daughter by suggesting that she assume a sisterly role with her baby brother? Does the girl seem open to helping out?
All the best!
Like you, I have no skin. My
Like you, I have no skin. My zero tolerance and bluster is purely self preservation and learned defense tactics developed due to my historical avoidance of conflict at all costs.
Now, I avoid conflict by ending it immediately rather than dodging and weaving or otherwise considering anything beyond ending the conflict immediately and effectively.
It is amazing how well "Get your ass to the car and sit there until we are ready to leave. You will not ruin anyone elses day with your crap behavior." ends behavioral conflict immediately.
Or, how how effective it is sending a bully to the hospital in an ambulance when they make the mistake of pushing a little too far in their bullying. Conflict just ends. After that, they rarely try it again. Few others will try either. Seeing a bully sulking around the school halls with facial sutures, tneir jaw wired shut, a cast, or severe bruising sends a very effective message to anyone who might think they are a bully. Even when I found my courage to end a bully, fighting petrified me. I am fortunate that my bully ending incidents were one and done at each new school. I am not sure if I could have maintained a protracted effort to defend myself violently. People who enjoy fighting and go out on weekends to get in fights have always baffled me. Training is one thing, fighting for fighting's sake is something else entirely. I am not that guy.
After the kids sits by the car and everyone is ready to go, the ass baring lecture begins on the entire drive home about how much fun everyone else had while the ill behaved spawn was at the car for hours, and hours, and hours . Then having them explain how they liked the consequences. AB=C. Asshat Behavior = Consequences. Do the math stupid people. Live and learn. Sadly you can't fix stupid. Kid dumb brain farts can be fixed. Those kids can learn and figure it out. Willful supidity, nope.
As my GM used to say "If you can't listen and learn, you will have to feel." Do it again, feel it more. Keep it simple. KISS.
I don't care about the feelings of a toxic spawn or of a bully. I do not care about why they do what they do. I care that they don't do it. I invest a lot in not caring. It would be far too easy for me to care. As I have done in the past. Much to my own detriment.
Hope you had a great time. It was your day
And we hope you enjoyed it to the fulles. You must understand SD was going to start no matter what. No matter what you did or not do. She was being push under you. It was about you, not her.
'It's sad that things like this happen. That they don't understand " this is life". That as she gets older. This is how it works. DH. Better have your back on this
'What happens to SD is not in your control. Be nice to her. But don't let her win Just remember if anything happens to DH you will never see her again.
Ugh, I'm so sorry. This
Ugh, I'm so sorry. This sounds awful. My friends that threw my shower asked if they wanted it to be "kid free" and I am SO thankful they asked! It wasn't SD being singled out, just no kids, period. Are other kids going to be there? If so, then DH needs to tell her you can go play with so-and-so. And if not, then he can drag her pouty ass home. It was so awkward when my non-SM friends would ask how excited SD13 was. I had made up responses "oh she's coming around","I'm sure she'll be a big help", etc etc. Think of same canned comments you can have for family and change the subject. No one wants to hear the truth. Don't let her become the focus. It's your day.
She is 100% acting out that she's no longer the focus. Hate to say it, but it only got worse for SD13.
Hope you enjoyed!
For future events though - I suspect that your energies and attention will be super wrapped up with your newborn, and she will affect you less and less and you put more and more attention in that new direction.