Consequences
DH and I had a great Thanksgiving. Went to his family's celebration and he has many sibs and nieces and nephews. They are all at the age of getting married and having kids. First one aside from my SD is getting married in spring. Turns out that DH's daughters will be the only cousins NOT invited. (DH was off at a football game some of the day so I was alone with the ladies and they spoke honestly of their frustration at no contact with DH's daughters. ). Driving home yesterday DH on phone with the one he talks to all the time but rarely sees. So he was telling her all the news on the family. And he told her about the wedding assuming she would be invited. Later I told him what his sisters had shared. The hurt their mother feels as well. He was shocked and his first reaction was offering excuses for them. Oh the pandemic and all the other nonsense I've heard. Then reality sunk in and I told him that all these years he never parented but only yessed the girls. Now there are consequences. He woke up this morning and he said that he has to correct this. I said it may be too late.
DH has a dilemma
He knows that for years he should have been firm in telling his daughters that they needed to reach out to his parents calling for holidays etc. SD had the nerve to be disappointed with her grandmother over the summer after she wanted to use the family vacation home and she was told no. D H uses that now as excuse for his daughter to not have visited with his mother or called. He never told them anything other than smiling and agreeing with every word of theirs. Now he is going to? I don't think he will. He has been a coward in that department.
He can't fix this. He can
He can't fix this. He can suffer consequences too and he will. I'm sure his sisters can handle this when those invitations go out. I'm sure they handled him growing up. LOL. When denying the use of the summer house, was it explained to SD why she was denied? Or is it one big "secret " no one feels motivated to deal with? Sometimes it's just easier to just move on and it sounds as if the family has in fact, moved on from skids. Yeah, DH has some reckoning to do internally. Not your problem to solve thanks goodness. As if you could.
No Fixing This
His kids are adults. They have been behaving this way for YEARS. It's almost comical that he thinks he can "fix" this now. It is extremely difficult to change when we WANT to...imagine being a certain way for years and then having a parent say it's all wrong. LOL Let the projection and blaming begin.
As Surviving said....they will have consequences and so will your DH.
It’s sad
That my DH is only responding because he is concerned and worried that SD will be ostracized now from his large and close family. He seriously thinks he can have a conversation with two adults now and say to start calling my family. I remember that the last time we saw SD she was looking for a birthday card for her stepfather. Imagine that.
In the big picture
It has to be both ways...if the family is frustrated, and SD's want that interaction, THEY can make it happen. DH cannot make anything happen.
Consequences to actions/inactions. I watching that happen right now too.