Accusations and blame shifting
Hi everyone. This is an update to the situation 2 weeks ago when my SD16 and SD18 (almost 19) went off me for telling SD16 to keep her voice down. Things went from ok to off-the-rails wierdness. DH and I had agreed to have a family dinner and talk with skids last night, when they came over for the weekend.
DH called both the SD's the day before, and explained that we were going to have a talk at dinner about what happened 2 weeks ago. Both agreed to be at our house at 6 pm. I called DH on my way home from work and offered to pick up pizza to save some time. He said "I have to call you back because SD16 is being a butthole and refusing to be part of the talk." DH and I agreed that if SD16 refused to be part of the family talk, then she could stay at BM's house, since it wasn't an option to come over if she wasn't willing to face up to resolving the issue. I was very proud of DH for standing his ground.
So when I got home, DH looked positively furious. He called SD16 again to ask why she was late and what was going on? I could hear SD saying my name, and saying insulting things about me and blaming me for various things that happened over the last 10 years. DH stood his ground, and said we were not dredging up old grievances, we were talking about what happened 2 weeks ago and how to resolve the hurt feelings on both sides. SD continued to lay blame, only this time she blamed DH. I couldn't believe it. They have never blamed DADDEEEEE! DH looked like steam might come out of his ears.
DH tried to rein her in, but SD16 tried crying, playing the victim, and finally said "DH, you didn't PROTECT me when I was little! Mean old SM was always blah blah blah ( Um, taking care of your grandma when she was sick? Cleaning up the dirty maxi pads you left on the floor? Asking you to eat some vegetables so you wouldn't have a stomachache all the time? Supporting your Christmas present habit when your dad was broke or unwilling to spend money on you?" ) So apparently I am the devil now and I am responsible for EVERYTHING BAD THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED IN THEIR LIVES. Wow. SD16 TOLD DH HE FAILED HER AS A PARENT. So DH says he'd rather have been shot in the stomach than hear that from his own daughter, and he is hurting bad. I feel for him, but all this was ineveitable, due to his lack of parenting and his crazy ex filling their heads with alternate versions of the facts.
SD18 then calls to defend her poor, put-upon sister. She repeats the alternate versions of facts from years ago. She then asks "Can you tell me more about the argument that Sheildmaiden had with grandma over our aunt sneaking into your house in the middle of the night? (Their grandma, who was my friend until she passed away a few years ago, and their aunt and I are now friends, since we were both there taking care of their grandma at the end) . BTW, their aunt is recently on bipolar meds and doing much better than she was back then, when she felt it was ok to let herself into my house at 3 am.
DH said that is not what we are discussing right now. But the fact that SD18 is asking for details about something that happened 7 years ago, that she thinks could be incriminating against me, is a red flag. It also doesn't seem like something she would normally ask or think about. I kind of wonder if their mom or her older SD21 is influencing her? Anyway, it was vindicating to see them turn on their own father when tried to discipline them - because now he sees and feels what I have felt for years. He finally GETS IT. They REFUSE to be told what to do or show any respect to anyone who tell them no. They will tear down anyone who stands in their way.
Supposedly they are coming over today while I am at work, and we will talk tonight at dinner. I will be recording this secretly for my protection. Ugh. I hate to see them be so mean to him. I expect it when they are cruel to me, but this is new territory!
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Just another day...
Shieldmaiden, this is standard operating procedure in Stepland. Lies, blame, manipulation. Ho hum. And, yes, you are to blame for any negative action or emotion in their lives. It's so convenient to have someone to blame.
I'm glad your DH got to experience all this. I hate to be pessimistic but I don't have much hope for a turnaround tonight. About the best you can expect is DH standing up for you. But don't look for much change in the girl's hearts, their behavior, maybe.
I don't envy you. Good for
I don't envy you. Good for you and DH for standing your ground and refusing to allow the dredging up of old grievances. Frankly, the SDs talking ABOUT you to DH (instead of to you) and asking about the thing with grandma and aunt, is triangulation, and DH should have nothing to do with it and refuse to discuss either thing with them.
I have to agree with the above
as far as feeling pessimistic about a turn-around ... Step-life is a marathon not a sprint. I used to think we should all go to step-family therapy with the SK's and blah blah blah ... Well, now I'm glad we didn't. The kids grow up so fast and are out of the house now anyway. If we went to step-therapy I would have been involved in fixing things I didn't break and that are never going to change all that much. We did go to some step-couple's therapy and that was helpful for DH to see and better understand his responsbility to me & the pecking order of adults, SK's, and I in our household.
No way would I try to choke down pizza while dealing with this drama extravaganza, sh*tshow. Let DH handle his mess. I would tell your DH that the level of energy is so high and extreme right now that it may be best that he handle educating the children on how to behave. Let things calm down before you join in on family meetings. It's a mess.
I hope that your dh told the
I hope that your dh told the harpy that what happened between you and the aunt is absolutely none of their business.
Nothing New
As JRI said, that's StepHell. Blame, project, always be the victim. I am also going to agree with nothing changing with your SKs. And I strongly suggest some RULES before the family meeting. Staying on the subject of TWO weeks ago....nothing else. No name calling. No blaming. Everyone take ownership of themselves. When any of this starts, your DH shuts it down. If he doesn't, then I'd get up and leave the meeting.
Personally, I don't see one good thing coming from that meeting with all the "boohoo-ing" going on beforehand. Trust me, they've been colaborating since the "warning" of the meeting. Be prepared for them to come in blazing...and you walking away from the meeting. But definitely attend the meeting with the mindset, this is probably going to be the last one.
My motto these days? We aren't accepting apologies these days...only changed behaviors. Good luck.
Don't tell us, show us.
My motto these days? We aren't accepting apologies these days...only changed behaviors.
Brilliant stuff CajunMom.
Yup “actions speak louder than words”
Thats what i always told my husband when he claimed i was over exaggerating the issues with skids, that they loved me y our 2 kids etc.
he claimed they were busy, too busy for a video call. If people matter to you, it wouldn't be such an inconvenience to contact them
Yup “actions speak louder than words”
Thats what i always told my husband when he claimed i was over exaggerating the issues with skids, that they loved me y our 2 kids etc.
he claimed they were busy, too busy for a video call. If people matter to you, it wouldn't be such an inconvenience to contact them
One more thing ... if these
One more thing ... if these shedevils will be around even after high school you may want to hightail it out of there. The odds are not in your favor.
Sounds like DH is finally
Sounds like DH is finally getting a taste of his own medicine... not so angelic when they turn on him...
You do understands
It's gonna blow up. SD does not wanna discuss anything? She just wants to put up with a view forward which is bashing you and what her father. When he was standing up for you. It's just a waste of time. I would not be the one by Pizza to make peace with these kids. They don't want peace they just want to start drama. Or being in control.
it's time to stand up for your rights and don't let this nonsense keep going on. At 16 and 18. There are old enough to understand the consequences of their actions . If they can't pick on you,, they pick on their father.
Sorry to say nothing Going to be resolved with his family dinner.
it's time for you to disengage from all this nonsense, As not buying pizza. Or Christmas gifts. Or birthday gifts or any other gifts. I want something that you get a job and buy them selves. They can stay with there mother. I do come over then it's up to your husband to do the cooking the cleaning and everything else.
Probably better that SD
Stood DH up. Otherwise it would have become a SM ambush and guess who's side DH would be on?
Reminds me of the failed reunification attempt of 2012 by Chef. OSS placated Chef but the conversation was all about OSS by OSS, then he never contacted Chef again. SD stood Chef up twice. Not a peep from 9 yr old (at the time) YSS.
Quit giving them a platform to bitch and manipulate.
Tell them to STF up or GTF out. Tell failed parent daddy that if he doesn't shut them up, he can GTF out with them.
Time to end this crap and STOP being the martyr to their collective shallow and polluted gene pool.
DO SOMETHING!
Not sure a discussion is even
Not sure a discussion is even useful at this point. They've made their position clear--they are perpetual victims and nothing is their fault.
But DH can spell out house rules, expectations for civility, and consequences for violating them. Rules, expectations, consequences--wait, that's normal parenting and his kids will rebel.
Your skids. Sound like what mine WOULD have been like.
I see shades of it now. As they are all approaching late thirties and forties. The reaching back into the past for "clarification" blaming their dad for all their woes. The BM STILL having influence over their thoughts and relationship with their dad.