My DH definitely does this with my skids. He treats them like little kids and doesn't expect them to do anything. He's explained to me that he feels like he's been so marginalized as a parent that it's not worth fighting with them. He's not wrong. They've heard for over a decade that he is "not their real dad" ("real dad" at the time was former stepdad) that he "just hates BM" and is only out to get her, and that's he's lying about everything. They also like to act like they should have a say in things because they are teens now, so they are "old enough" to be involved in whatever conflict there is between DH and BM...or whatever conflict BM perceives to exist. This creates a lot of tension between me and DH, especially since he does parent our DD. He's always allows Skids to act like entitled brats and still does. I feel for him in some ways, but he's not doing them any favors. 

I think sometimes it is more complex in steplife.  There already is the innate love that a bio parent has for their own child.  but throw in divorce and a parent that may not have very much time with their kid? sometimes they don't want to spend the few hours a month fighting with their child.. are in competition with their EX for the kid's allegiance.. 

I think a lot of parents are illogical when it comes to parenting. I think SPs just have an easier time picking up on it because we're looking at it through the eyes of an in-law/outsider versus the eyes of a parent.

Actually we both have those moments where affection trumps logic.  And it doesn't follow bio-lines.  Each of us has our soft spots and the kids know where to find them!

I am guilty of this myself. Like others said- it is easier to think logically when that natural love isn't a factor. As a parent you fall into guilty parenting at times. As a step parent, you see through the bullshit. 

As a woman who is childless by choice and in my 40s, I can say from my life of experience that most parents have these rose coloured glasses on with regards to their children. There are few that see their children for who they are, but there's always this weird guilt thing with parenting that I do not understand and then add unconditional love and sh*t a lot of parents get wobbly in their principles! 

We had a situation last holiday season of one of my children using a vape at a get together. DH spotted it right away. Had DHs son and daughter over just yesterday and DH never noticed BOTH of them vaping in our home. Uhmmm ok how did you NOT see both of them?  (I have asthma and vaping does trigger it) and completely deaf when his young grandkids on his side are literally running playing tag up and down the stairs or kicking the island while sitting at it. Funny enough he hears mine if/when they do it before I can even catch them yet to stop it. 

In my house we have guilt style parenting and Disney dad behavior. Kids live with us so it's critical that there is some sort of structure and expectation. I've struggled deeply with Disney dad not having any of this for the kids and my best choice is to move out which I'm in the process of doing. I feel things can work if the adults are on the same page. If not I feel it's just a constant battle and the step parent is always the bad guy. 

This appears to be extremely prevaIent in brains of retread mates with prior relationship spawn.  It is all about the fee fees. Theirs and those of their poor wittle COD failed faily progeny.  Not much evidence of synapses firing in the the brains of these parents or in brains of their failed family progeny.

The irony is, when my son who lives with us acts up, I immediately go to correct it. He's older than my SD but I still do it. I understand he needs structure and discipline. But when SD does something that clearly needs discipline, it's like it's not an option. He had to fight long and hard for custody so now he's afraid to discipline properly out of fear that she'll get older and run back to the POS bio mom. But his being lax is going to cause just that. I don't care as steppparent I'm labeled the bad guy. I honestly don't. I just want peace and order in my damn house.