Financials that don’t involve me, how to disengage.
I have a great job and make a decent salary. SO does as well and will be coming into a cash windfall in the next few months, as well as a significant raise. Child support is settled via court with BM and goes to 18 for each girl, 24 if they go to post secondary. He isn't required to provide anything extra than child support. This is all signed off on by him and BM in court.
However, recently BM has made some noises about SO contributing to SD18's college costs. He said no, as he already is committed to age 24 with a set amount of child support per month. We were in the car with SD18 and her friend last week - SO was talking about upgrading his car and SD said "That car is 60 grand? You can't afford that! That's my education!"
BM has probably told the girls that Daddy's going to pay for their education now that he's getting this raise. He's got a raise coming yes, but he's going to retire in five years. He doesn't have 60 grand to give to his oldest daughter. BM also knows what I make (thanks SO), so she may be expecting me to cover cost of living when I'm with him.
Am I overthinking this? Money makes people go bonkers in my experience.
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Hopefully there's nothing in
Hopefully there's nothing in the CO about him having to pay for college?
BM here took DHs retirement and college fund for the SDs upon divorce and he had to pay all the massive taxes and debts so he was wiped out, in the last two years just started saving again. He's almost 60 now and will never catch up. There's no possible way he can afford to pay for the SDs college, and thank g*d it's not required in his CO.
Why did he tell the BM how much you make. Eff that. I'd have a bit of a Convo with him regarding your privacy and no more info EVER to BM. And second, you are not required to pay. However you are required to disclose on certain financial aid forms that work to calculate aid support. It's messed up. But that info should go directly to the school, never via BM.
I made it clear I was not going to help pay for their college. BM mentioned once that it was my duty to do so, but then someone on her end set her straight AND she looked it up! Eff her. That's when I stopped helping cover SDs on my insurance.
As for DH, he's been up front with both SDs that he cannot help. Scholarships are essential as is financial aid. Both know that. Didn't stop OSD from going to an expensive private school out of state (mommy and grandpa paying we think, plus some aid but DH was told nothing). We're recommending YSD go to a great, small, tech orientated affordable college but we'll see...your SDs are old enough for a discussion with your DH about finances, how they work, and reality.
If SD is going to be in
If SD is going to be in college, and I assume not living at home, and is of legal adult age - what exactly BM using the CS for in regards to SD that WOULDN'T be college-related?
I go back and forth on whether parents should pay for post-secondary education for their kids. I think where I land is where parents should have some savings set aside, particularly if they live in the U.S. because that's just how things are. Not saying it needs to be a full-ride to a private university, but it's exceptionally difficult for an 18 year old to take out enough in loans even for in-state schooling without having parental help. Even just a buffer for the first two years of college so that kids don't have to take out private loans would be great. And if it's money in a 529 or general savings account, the parents can roll it over into their retirement or other nest egg if it's not needed/used.
All that said, if SO doesn't want to help and isn't obligated to help, so be it. But he needs to tell SD upfront that he isn't paying extra, that BM will be getting CS while SD is in school, and she should work with BM to get some of that money if SFD isn't planning on living at home.
And under ZERO circumstances does your income EVER need to be brought up to BM or the SDs. I'd be having a very firm and blunt conversation with my partner if they shared that, ESPECIALLY if we weren't married or living together because of their BM and kids.
SO seems to think that BM
SO seems to think that BM will be okay with him using the child support amount to directly pay tuition and related bills for SDs in college instead of just giving it to BM. He's being naive.
At this point, it's not being
At this point, it's not being naive, it's purposefully shoving his head in the sand.
Also, related to insurance: in order for me to cover the kids (because my insurance is better and less expensive), I had to provide a copy of my marriage certificate and copies of the kids' birth certificates for eligibility. If DH and I weren't married, I think I could add him as a domestic partner if I had proof of us living at the same address, but not his kids.
Then time for him to tell his
Then time for him to tell his daughter that he IS paying for her education by giving her mother X dollars per month for her and if she has a beef with that to take it up with her mother. Nothing quite like reality to sort things out.
^^^^
^^^^
This. Before BM tells them the reason she can't pay for college is dad.
Absolutely, she wants him to
Absolutely, she wants him to pay college expenses on top of CS. Hate to say it but if a kid is 16 and you are only just beginning to work out college financing plans then that means that there are no college financing plans.
SO's pension and retirement
SO's pension and retirement funds are safe, which he secured with the agreement of child support to 24 if the girls do post secondary. Otherwise BM could and would have cleaned him out. SO is very honest, somewhat naive, and incapable of lying, so when his kids asked how much I made, he told them. Thus, BM knows.
Ugh insurance. I've offered to carry the girls on my insurance if SO can't after retirement, but based on your post, I probably shouldn't. Might be a moot point as we're not married. I want to support him, but not his oldest kid.
Naive and incapable of
Naive and incapable of telling a lie? Nonsense, he's a blabbermouth. He had absolutely no right to tell anyone how much you earn and should have answered the question with "that's none of your business" and nothing else. Does he understand that this is a massive breach of trust?
I am also horrified that he has also blabbed to them how much money he's about to receive. It is none of his ex's business and certainly none of his daughter's either. He really needs to get a handle on that.
I guess what bothers me is
I guess what bothers me is that SO can afford to upgrade his vehicle without affecting his financial obligations to his kids, but he won't because BM and SD18 know about the amount of money he's going to get as a result of this raise and 30 year work cash out, and they feel obligated to it even though they've been divorced for seven years. He's been paying an agreed amount since then until they're finished post secondary, and it's a LOT, but it's still not good enough when they know he's got a raise and I make whatever?
I should probably mention we
I should probably mention we're in Canada. BM makes just over the poverty line, but was given a paid off house and new car in the divorce. She has full custody, and based on her income, the girls would qualify for full student loans. SO agreed to child support to 24 so they wouldn't need to. He's not rich, just has worked full time in a demanding career since age 20. She agreed to no alimony and no access to his pension. Now all this college stuff is coming up when she found out that I make a decent wage.
This would be my dealbreaker.
This would be my dealbreaker. If SO wants to feel guilty and pay for things, so be it. But if he thinks or acts like BM actually makes a good point that your salary = more money for him to use for SD, then let that be your final straw in this relationship.
BM can think whatever BM wants. Your SO's actions should dictate your reaction. ET had no problem dictating how "our" income was spent. DH acting in a way that proved her right nearly led to us getting divorced.
If the CS order says that CS
If the CS order says that CS stops at 18 unless SD pursues post-secondary education, in which case it goes until 24, your SO has essentially already agreed to pay a certain amount for college (the monthly CS amount for 6 years, which he would otherwise not be obligated to pay). The twist is that it goes to BM, and SD has to rely on BM to turn it over for college expenses. Your SO should point that out to SD and let her know she will need to bring it up with BM. Now, if your SO can afford and is willing to pay more, he can do that, but the starting point in any discussion with BM or SD has to be that he is already paying $______ (monthly CS amount x 60) for college.
I think it's hilarious if BM thinks you would pony up for SD's education - you and your SO aren't even married, so why in the world would she think that? I do not think it's humorous at all that BM knows what you make. Shame on your SO for sharing that information - that is an enormous breach of trust and completely unacceptable, and I would let him know that.
As for SD, if your SO is not willing to pay anything for SD's education on top of what he's paying BM in CS, he needs to let her know that right away. He should call her out on what she said about the car he "couldn't afford because that's her education," and let her know what he is already obligated to pay to BM and what, if anything, he's prepared to pay on top of that. To let SD think he will be paying for her college (other than the CS) is wrong, even if he's never told her he would. She has to make college plans and decisions, and understanding the financial picture is a big part of that.
I think SD is old enough that
I think SD is old enough that your SO can have an honest talk with her about CS and college funding including what he can and can't do. He also needs to explain that the CS has to go to BM legally and asking him to go above and beyond CS for college just isn't doable. If at that point she brings up you contributing then she needs to be reminded it's not an obligation for you and if she wants your to help she needs to work it out with you. And also ask the questions of what BM is going to contribute.
Basically the college talk needs your SO to suck it up and be brave an honest with SD, and have an adult conversation. Good luck. The college talk is sometimes the first chance a parent has to talk with their own child adult to adult. You need to set realistic expectations and overall just be realistic about how the world is. If you can do that you actually prepare them a lot better for their college experience. Many parents fail at this and still speak with their children like their children and insulate them from the reality of the world or make promises that will come back to bite them.
Pre-nup
If you do get married in the future, please document what assets each of you are bringing into the marriage with a pre-nup. Then BM can think what she wants but your assets and income are yours, not hers/SD. I would be very upset that she knew what I made.
Agree with others, he needs to tell SD that his CS money was for her college. Anything beyond that would need to be student loans taken out by her.
Flash backs
Merrigan, this is giving me flash backs! I feel for you guys.
My DH was signed up to pay CS until each child/adult finished education. Like your DH he had given BM the nearly paid house and new car. Also like your situation BM worked a really low paid job.
DH paid 4 years of CS while MSS was at university. He wasn't paying for YSS or OSS but CS was still nearly as high as it had always been becuase it only drops here by a small bit when a kid drops off or ages out.
MSS graduated with $$$$$$$ of debt because BM didn't contribute a cent towards his fees. If CS had been diverted to MSS he could have gotten a fancy apartment in our expensive city and still graduated debt free. So sad.
The only difference is that BM had and still has no idea how much I earn. I know she thinks it is nothing because all the boys have implied that "Daddy" pays for everything when they were younger which they must have picked up from her. LOLZ. I've pretty much always earned more than DH and I'm glad no one has come chasing my money.