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Beaver at her finest and update on DH and I ...sort of long

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Sat, 07/09/2022 - 6:06am

Ah Beaver never ceases to create situations that make me laugh.  Here is the latest...

SD got a  new job...it involves little kids and teaching them to swim.  Much better fit than cashier at a food joint.  SD loves little kids and this requires no math skills, etc.  Good for SD...so I'm hopefull that this one will stick.  Time will tell...

Now there are two places that offer swim lessons close to our fair city.  One is about 5 minutes or so away via high way..and the other is about 5  minutes or less away on the sidestreets.  Beaver DEMANDED that SD only apply to the one that is about 5 minutes from us by high way.  Its CLOOOSSSERRRRRR to her. It really isn't when you factor in that she will be dropping off SD and picking up SD during the day while she is at work in our fair city.

SD does what Beaver demands and secures a position at the Beaver approved site. Ok...cool.  SD starts on a week that she is with DH. Its a pita for us to get her and pick her up since she starts in the morning after DH and I start work and ends while we are still working a little bit after noon.  I can no longer help since said site is now the opposite from where I work.  The other site would have been mere blocks from my work so it would have worked out for SD either to walk to my work or I could swing by on my way home to pick her up.

The first time old Beaver has to pick up SD...she goes to the site that she told SD NOT TO APPLY TO .  Not the one that she demanded SD apply to and that SD got the position at. SD called DH and was like Beaver isn't here....and DH Was like ANNNNDDDD...call her again.   He told he was in a meeting and couldn't come get her.  Beaver then texted DH and told him she went to the wrong site and could he pick up SD.  DH told her NO..he was working and she will have to drive and get SD.  Her answer was FINE...YOUR NO HELP.  Beaver got there but an hour late.  

SMH....like you told SD which one to apply to and then you go to the wrong one..just wow.  DH send me a text telling me this and I literally laughed out loud while I getting groceries.  I mean how dense do you have be..

Update on DH and I...

Going fairly well...DH is working hard to regain my trust.  He does slip back into bad habits but I call him out now each and every time.  He doesn't like it sometimes but hey..too bad.  He also realizes that when he is stressed with SD and/or Beaver or with anyone else he will go after me.  That is not working for me anymore and I call him out on every time.  Took a few tries for him to figure out....that yes this is a problem.  It was pointed out to him...if he is attacking me over stuff that isn't of my making why would I continue to try and connect with him?  I wouldn't it and that is why I withdraw from him.  That has been a big eye opener for him....and really came to a head with SD and the job situation.  She annoys the H3ll out of him with her questions....she has trouble with simple instructions and has to have them explained.  Not my circus not my monkey

DH has also figured out my matra..not my circus not my monkey....is really a thing.  Through therapy he has realilzed that he CANNOT rely on me take up the slack for Beaver.  Ie....cannot count on me to run around and get SD and make sure SD has everyting etc.  The therapist has helped him realize that he continued to push of the parental duties onto me and caused a massive amount of resentment from me to him and the skids..both GWR and SD.  Its not fair to me..I'm not a parent to either kid.

DH has also learned via therapy that while he has to support SD he does need to do so to the detriment of our relationship. Its called boundries.....  ah a new word for DH.  Such as...if its not our week DH is under no obligation to play uber to SD.  I Beaver cannot/will not drive SD then that is between them..and DH does not need to be the savior.  It it home one evening when DH and were celebrating something and DH left in the middle to play uber for SD.  Our marriage counselor pointed out..that SD was not in danger and it wasn't something that was an emergency.  So why did he leave me? DH didn't want SD to miss out seeing her friends.   Our marriage counselor asked him how that worked out for him at home with me?  DH admitted not well because I was pissed and the evening was ruined.   The counselor pointed out DH's chief complaint was I withdrew and didn't want a connection..but why would I pursue a connection when I got dropped the minute Beaver or SD sent him a text.  He pointed out to DH..if DH never makes our time and me a priority and special..how the h3ll does he think there will be a connection and better yet why would I want to sleep with DH if I'm always the last to get attention. (love our therapist..he really lays it out plain and simple for DH)

So its slow progress but its progress....

Comments

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Submitted by TheAccidentalSM on Sat, 07/09/2022 - 8:34am

Thank goodness for a good therapist. But your DH can be as dumb as a pile of rocks. He thinks you're going to be in the moood after he interrupts date night. *shok*

Ispofacto's picture

Submitted by Ispofacto on Sat, 07/09/2022 - 9:05pm

Don't remember where I learned this. 

When he's mad at BM, and he's being a twat, lock eyes with him and say, "Hey DH, I'm not BM."

 

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Mon, 07/11/2022 - 8:15am

Wrong wife...your yelling at the wrong wife

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sat, 07/09/2022 - 11:00pm

It's up to Beaver to figure it out. She and "Adult ".  Adult enough to have a child. Adult enough to work out her own problems.   
DH must realize you also are an Adult who doesn't like to be walked over. When he married you you became first in his life. If he attends to stay married to you.  Any thing not outline in CO.  As you read said CO and have a calendar, so you can plan your life. Must go through you first before answering Beaver 

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Mon, 07/11/2022 - 8:19am

I get that SD might be dissapointed she can't go to her friends or whatnot...but again.  NOT our problem.  I have no issues with DH wanting to help out everyone in a while...but all the time, nope.

I can't help it Beaver has the brain power of gnat....as I pointed out in therapy...you married it and bred with it...it is not YOUR problem.  Its your responsibility to make sure it doesn't interfer with ours lives to the point I feel like an old shoe thrown in the corner.

DH does ask me before he does get SD or whatever..I will tell him to let SD figure it out...but is his BABY so he wants to make it all better for her.  He has however started to see the light...and he realized I was about ready to put him and SD out of my house and move on with my life.

SMto2's picture

Submitted by SMto2 on Sun, 07/10/2022 - 6:48am

Beaver really is an idiot. Not my circus, not my monkeys, indeed! I'm most happy to hear you have such a supportive counselor who "gets it." There have been so many stories about counselors trying to tell SMs that the SKs' needs must always come first, regardless, which is just plain crazy.  I hope you keep going and things between you and your DH continue to improve. 

SeeYouNever's picture

Submitted by SeeYouNever on Sun, 07/10/2022 - 7:16am

Awesome that you have a good therapist! They are hard to come by. It does seem to boil down to your if DH doesn't make you a priority then why should you make him one? But some people really do see themselves as the star of the show and can't wrap their head around other people having different needs and priorities. It comes back to bioparents not understanding that you don't adore their kids like they do. 

Just because he's willing to settle for scraps of attention from his kids doesn't mean that they will settle for scraps of attention from him.

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Mon, 07/11/2022 - 8:24am

He thinks he is the Sun and everyone should revolve around him...or at least he did till reality slapped him the face a few months ago.  DH just thought oh hey...my wife doens't pay attention to me...blah..blah..blah.  He didn't stop to realize he wasn't paying attention to me or anyone else in the house.  That I was so busy juggling all the balls..I had 0 time for anything else.  I needed support and attention as well. 

Our couples therapist is great because he does make DH look at things from my perspective..and won't let him get away with brushing it under the rug.  

halo1998's picture

Submitted by halo1998 on Mon, 07/11/2022 - 8:28am

and DH's indiviual counselor is pretty good.  His individual counselor is a divorced Dad with a HCBM as an ex..so he gets that part.  Thank god...and even he tells DH..stop bending over backwards for SD if you want to keep your marriage.

Our couples counselor is awesome..DH tried to say I should be over all this already...and he was quick to point out..NOT YOUR CALL THERE BUDDY.  Yep it sucks..but I get to say when I'm over it....and that day may never come.  It will always be part of our marriage now whether DH likes it or not...DH's job is to be understanding of that....and ride it out.  While we had problems sure...it was DH's decisions that broke the trust..not me.

Not to say the counselor doesn't call me out as well..he does.  But oof in the moment I wanted to cheer...cause he firmly put DH in his place.