SD 18 will be mad, but subject of a job must be brought up
I have family therapy today with DH and SD 18. I told DH that I want to bring up the subject of what SD's plans for the future are. She has stated she doesn't want to go to college. She has untreated/undiagnosed bipolar, and can't keep a job for more than 3 weeks. She applied for a job a month ago and was waiting on a call or email from the company letting her know she passed the background check. She hasn't gotten the call yet, and refuses to call them to check in. (Not sure why. She should pass the check unless they are worried about her short term job history.) The job starts in a week.
Seeing as how her BM has a new boyfriend that she is moving into her home, I think that BM's house will be a lot less desirable in the coming months. This means that SD18 will be wanting to stay with us. As long as she is working, paying her own way, and not making a moody nuisance of herself - I don't mind her staying with us this summer.
What I would like to know is - how does she plan to get to and from her job? (walking or bus?) Will she be saving money for the future? Will she be getting her driver license this summer? Her dad and I both work full time, so we will not be dropping everything to ferry her around, as she has expected in the past. How does she plan to support herself and pay for rent?
DH said he wants to be the one to ask this, because SD18 will be "mad at whoever brings this up, and he'd rather it be him than me." I told him sure, as long as its discussed and we get a plan. I am tired of waiting for her next crisis or mood to hit at the most INCONVENIENT time for us ever. I don't understand. Why should she be mad? Why can't we ask this? Why is it unreasonable to want her to get a diagnosis so she can get medication if needed? Am I being unreasonable?
Gentle suggestion
If she does have bipolar, than even with medication there will likely be issues going forward. If your expectation is that she can live with you as long as she is working, contributing financially, and not being moody - that may be unrealistic. Just saying that therapy is good place to explore all of this, including a timeline for how long she can live with you both (20? 22?). Don't be open ended about this arrangement is my advice.
You are not being unreasonable. But you are being reasonable with an unreasonable and troubled young person, which doesn't always work the same as being reasonable with another reasonable person.
MY SD
turned 18 yesterday. I, for years, assumed things would be changing. (We will not be paying CS anymore for sure) However, his daughter has made it clear that she will be back in two weeks to "visit" with her brother. (16) This week has gotten pretty bad for me. I mean depression wise. I want it to all end and nothing changes. The only compromise we've agreed on so far is that there will be no more sleepovers for her friends. She quit an only job at the theater because of the smell, so we shall see what this summer brings forth. Just community college in September so far. I think a plan is perfectly reasonable, but then a lot of people were telling me that their children are welcome whenever... so I guess I feel like I am the one with the problem. My husband is so touchy with anything that comes from me about her now. I have been on the brink of divorce for a couple months.
Good idea
Its a good idea, I agree, to have a closed-ended agreement on how long she will live with us, and what the rules and expectations are. The problem for me is, she is very stubborn and refuses to think ahead because she is scared. So she waits until there is a crisis and then calls her dad, who runs to her rescue in the middle of the night, or whenever. He is upset too, but also afraid of confronting her because she will get mad and avoid him. So we are stuck in this cycle of waiting for her moods to end, ignoring her rude comments, letting her play video games in her room all day with no expectations.
If she needs money for her art projects or video subscription renewals, her dad takes time out of his workday to stop and buy things for her and drop them off at her BM's house, or gives her money. if he calls her to ask how she is doing, she says "fine," and "Bye. " and hangs up. I am tired of this, and how it affects him and our lives.
Doesn't he have any self
Doesn't he have any self respect?
Yes
Hence the therapist to moderate things. Make sure the therapist knows this is one of your goals. The therapist is not a mind reader so communicate to them.
Therapy
My DH and I are now in couples therapy, but I would think family therapy would be the perfect environment to bring up the subject of launching and adult expectations. I would prefer DH brought those things up as well, of course in the end my SD knows I'm at the root of some of his choices. Oh well.
"What I would like to know is
"What I would like to know is - how does she plan to get to and from her job? (walking or bus?) Will she be saving money for the future? Will she be getting her driver license this summer? Her dad and I both work full time, so we will not be dropping everything to ferry her around, as she has expected in the past. How does she plan to support herself and pay for rent?"
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You pose very good questions. These issues need to be addressed before the last minute or another crisis will erupt. I think I would let DH handle these difficult questions with her and I completely agree that a conversation needs to be had with regard to an end date of her living with you. Without boundaries and expectations, you both will be at her mercy and she might be under the impression that she can live you with indefinitely.
I hope things turn around for you all. Keep us posted!
I agree with this... that
I agree with this... that being said if you don't think DH is going to bring it up- perhaps you should? I'd say if it's not brought up mid way through the session that's when I'd jump in and introduce it- but coming from a place of care and concern.
"We want to see you succede in this new job. In order to do that you'll need transportation (etc.) and I'm wondering what your plan is to make that happen.... also long term? What's the launch plan now that your're 18 and working full time? I raise these questions because I care... three months? six months? Lets pin down a date so that we can prepare to support you as you take the next steps towarad adult independence."
Just a thought? Burning platorm?
DH said he wants to be the
I don't think it's unreasonable ar all to want to know if she has a disorder so treatment can take place. This is greatly needed because she is an adult and has to be able to support herself as much as possible.
I don't understand why these men don't want to make their adult kids launch . There is no reason to beat around the bush, adults are supposed to take care of themselves. I guess the only reason might be if they tell their kids they have to get a job and move on a particular day, they feel the kids will cut them off. To be honest I wouldn't care. Where does this idea come from anyway that you can be an adult but expect to infringe on others resources?
Sounds like my DH
My DH is like this, too, even now when he is 84 and SD is 60. He doesnt want to upset her by asking reasonable questions. Back when she was your SD's age and had just graduated, I kind of jumped in and pushed enrollment in beauty school. She had planned to go but I think her real plan was "play around all summer and go someday". Like your SD, she never planned, only responded to crises, BM was like that, too.
I'll never forget one time when I pushed something that he was reluctant about. He actually said he was afraid she would never talk to him again. I laughed to myself, who else would help her out of all her messes? What a joke.
The first thing that needs to
The first thing that needs to be dealt with is the bipolar, for both of them. Until they are both stable, you won't get anywhere with either of them. I'm do believe I recommended looking in to the Julie Fast books and Facebook group for you.
Update**
DH had a 2nd talk with SD18 when she came over, about how she expects to get to and from her new job. She says she got the job, and BM told SD16 she had to drive her to and from work. Sd just got her license and a car from BM.
DH asked if SD had a backup plan in case SD16 has plans, or is sick. SD18 says that because BM pays for the car and insurance, she can make SD16 drive her to work. DH tried to explain how this was bound to fail at some point, causing resentment between the two. SD18 was angry that DH brought it up. Hmmm. I see drama in her future.