To go to lunch with trash talking in laws or not?
Idk how to deal with this. Apart of me says f all that mess and stay away forever and always but then another part of me says my daughter is an innocent little girl who would probably love the attention of more family especially grandparents who visit only occasionally.
Very long story short my husband and I have zero relationship with his daughters , 14&16. They have done anything to try to "turn" extended family members on my dh and i(i dont care i have my own family that are NOTHING like them). Caused so much conflict with false cps claims, blocking back and forth for maybe around 4 years now. Just alwsys drama. Even bm has told me many times she knows sd14 thrives on drama and enjoys fueling the fire. Which yea I was a teen once. I hated it but I was never horrible hateful lying child who tells counselors and cps I was abused. Then admits the lie then goes and does it again. Um no. Stay away from me until your 18 kid, I do not trust her! I have a 3 year old and i will not live in fear in my own home worried what next event will happen so I told my dh to see them outside of the home. He tried and all they did was bash me claiming I stole him and I keep their sister away blah blah blah they can't wait for our divorce. Its jyst hateful snd disrespectful. Its never ending.
Honestly if they just were respectful and didn't like me behind closed doors its fine. Im not Looking for this super close relationship. I've been around for 11 years and we all used to be very very close-even with bm.
Anyway now the grandparents are both coming in town in the next few weeks(both remarried so 2 sets) & they wsnt to get together. After getting involved and repeating EVERYTHING I said to them all in private I dont feel comfortable. If I tell my husband to go alone with my daughter he says he won't go. Its very weird relationship with his parents.
Apart of me feels like I should go for my toddler to see them , keep quiet , be civil and have a fake superficial limited lunch. Which
sounds terrible to me. I have no interest in talking about anything because they have already made up their minds about me(I got a crazy nasty email from my dhs sister defending her sweet poor nieces and its clear grandparents took my words , told her and made trouble).
What would u do?
I'd go and do exactly what
I'd go and do exactly what you said: keep quiet and be civil. Treat them like crappy coworkers: be polite, but distant akin to the Grey Rock method. And since she's a toddler, set a time limit. In the long run, it's a couple of hours out of your life.
As for DH's sister? Let him handle her. Block her where you can. If you have Fakebook and feel the need to keep her as a friend, limit what she can view. I was Grey Rocking my bitchsters-in-law loooong before it was a thing.
And after reading your recent reply below? Keep those toxic buttheads away from you and your DD. I'm mad on your behalf!
Yea honestly if my toddler
Yea honestly if my toddler didn't exist I wouldn't even think of going. But I know she would love some extra attention and love. But the in laws have treated my dh and I pretty poorly recently so im debating if I should just hold off until their next visit next year.
Poor treatment certainly
Poor treatment certainly lowers the possibility of attending! If you two decide to attend, look at it as a final attempt at redemption.
I know it's difficult to eliminate toxic people from your life when they're family members. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. During family gatherings, I've made it a point to limit my contact and Grey Rock. My oldest brother's wife actually apologized to me a couple of years ago. We're now friendly, but self-preservation holds me back. She even hugs me hello and goodbye now. *shok*
But yeah... limit your (and your DD) exposure to toxic.
So they believed their
So they believed their granddaughters that you abused them? That it's your own fault that CPS got called on you? Even though their GDs admitted it was all lies? I wouldn't want to be near them for fear I caught the stupid. Nope, I'd not go and nor would my daughter. If they have no respect for her mother they have no business being near her.
Exactly. It was all a wash as
Exactly. It was all a wash as none of it was believable through cps. Im so done with all of them.
Then there's this small part of me that would be ok with seeing mother in law as my daughter doesn't have a grandma(she has my dad but my mom passed away). When she plays I hear her say "grandpa grandma mommy daddy" as characters. She hasn't seen her in probably a year but they have FaceTimed a few times. I absolutely refuse to talk to FIL or see him even for a minute. He took a very personal private convo and told sds and sister in law who all love chaos.
Maybe the guilt of her not having a grandma makes me feel that maybe ok?
"Im so done with all of them.
"Im so done with all of them."
^^There you go^^
I'm childfree - never wanted bios. Over a decade ago, OSD chose to punish us by cutting off our relationship with the grandskids, which is something my DH will never forgive. BUT, we have always had kids in our lives and are honorary aunt & uncle to several. In fact, a couple are our heirs while the SDs will inherit nothing. My point is, you can find other older people to be in your daughter's life. MAKE the relationships you want, don't settle for the toxic crumbs your inlaws offer.
I would love
I would love to be a fly on the wall when your will is read and see the shock on the SDs faces. *ROFL*
Good for you- I am in
Good for you- I am in compromise mode right now. I would cut SKIDS out but I may have to settle for limited inheritance with SKIDs.
What do you mean limited
What do you mean limited inheritance with the skids? Dont understand what that means
I'd stay away. DH doesn't
I'd stay away. DH doesn't want to go with our you? He just wants a buffer. You are nobody's buffer. Why do you want people who don't respect YOU to be around your 3 yo? Blood doesn't mean a thing when you've got this kind of drama going on. I pulled away from my in-laws for a few years, best thing I did. It made it clear to all involved I was not going to put up with the drama coming at me. Their dysfunction was in place long before I came along. Things are better now but we don't hang out with them much. They are getting old too. DH handles them now.
Is your DH willing to explain your absence truthfully to them, draw some boundaries with them when it comes to the skids, BD3 and his wife? Or will he throw you under the bus? Can you live with either outcome?
If you must be there, drive separately and leave with BD3 if things heat up. Give inlaws one warning you will leave if they continue and then follow thru. DH can visit with them then.
MIL did admit she wishes she
MIL did admit she wishes she didn't get involved. She wishes she never said anything that created more conflict. She asked if we could get along and not talk about stepdaughters and I agreed. I haven't written to her at all since its clear she just wants to be civil and not have an actual relationship with me like she did before all this mess. I've been around 11 years and things used to be very good. Until I had my 3 year old it seemed the older ones got so jealous they will do anything to get rid of me. I think a lot has to do with having no stability in their lives. I actually feel sorry for them but I will not tolerate harassment or trying to destroy my career or life with false cps claims so thats where it ends. They are all blocked. Even my dh blocked them all. Its quite sad but imagine being bombarded with hateful text messages ALLL THE TIME.
Has she actually apologized
Has she actually apologized for her part in this circus? Let me just remind you that she believed the worst of a person she previously liked and all without any kind of proof to support the accusations. In other words she fanned the flames. Let the harridan wait ...
Id nope my way out of it all
Id keep that toxic bunch away from my kiddo..until shes maybe...older.
Your right. I think I guess I
Your right. I think I guess I feel bad that my daughter doesn't have a grandma. Mine passed away and my dhs mom, even thought very catty and notttt to be trusted(I know this now but didn't know until recently) is very kind and generous and idk maybe it will make my daughter happy to get that one on one attention with her. I watched her the last 11 years spoil and be so kind my stepdaughters so apart of me feels thats the only reason id see her. Not father in law though. He literally repeats every single private convo we have ever had with him and didn't know until recently.
Which is the stronger for you
Which is the stronger for you - "catty and untrustworthy" or "kind and generous"? Can the latter cancel out the former?
If your DH won't go by
If your DH won't go by himself; I would 100% not go. If his refusal to go isn't a clear sign of dysfunction, I don't know what is.
The only reason I would grit my teeth and go is if my daugher had an amazing relationship with her grandparents and knew they were coming. Otherwise- nope; you've dealt with too much already.
For background- My father's parents passed before I was born and when I was 2, so I don't remember them. My mom brought me around her mother while I was growing up, and while grandma was a bipolar mess, we had a bit of a relationship but not a whole lot. Mom mom's father on the other hand I would sometimes see at Xmas, and MAYBE a family function. When I became an adult and my maternal GM had passed, my mom was all about trying to rebuild her relatinship with her father and I got roped into some family vacations, reunions and bday parties. My whole life I never heard from my grandfather- no cards, no calls, no birthday gifts, but especially no time spent aside from the brief group events above. Why do explain this? It just hurt to be around him as an adult and know this man never tried, and I still had to pretend it was okay. If these grandparents put in the time and the effort on the regular, they are worth it, but if they are "passing through" grandparents, they are not worth it. My adult daughter has had amazing relationships with both sets of grandparents so I can now see how wonderful it can be and would never get in the way of it, but if it's not real, it's not worth it.
I wouldn't go, and here's why
I wouldn't go, and here's why:
You have strong people pleasing tendencies, meaning you can't trust your initial impulses and inclinations. Breaking those patterns feels uncomfortable, but it's part of the process of change. It's okay to tell your DH that you need him to do this as part of making things better for future interactions; that shows you aren't being petty, but do have requirements for the people allowed in your and your daughter's lives. You have a big heart, and it's possible to cultivate being firm in a loving way, but it starts with retraining YOU.
I dont even know you and you
I dont even know you and you are making me tear up. Your right I've always put my own feelings aside scared to hurt others or disappoint anyone. I've never been truly sure of my decisions especially involving steps and the right way to handle these situations. Im so grateful for everyone on here and this outlet im able to freely express myself that no one in my life gets.
I'm actually so mad right now because my husband just texted his dad saying he doesnt want to do lunch because every time we see him he twists our words tells other family members and we end up getting hate mail....
His response was "ok go have a good life with your new family". I so bad want to text him and say some words.
FIL is out
Im so sorry this is happening, but the bandaid has been ripped off. He may regret this later, but he is showing his colors constantly and of course doesnt want it pointed out.
ExJulieMCoy is the voice of clarity while still retaining empathy and kindness. She knows well of what she speaks and has given me much in the way of honest assessments with my situation. Especially about time outs. Let the air clear a bit. With FIL, he has never been team DH. And now its out there in the open. Maybe MIL can keep her generous kind side only on display for your kid, but so many times the grands show extreme favoritism that it hurts rather than helps things.
The jerkwad. Jackie, I hope
The jerkwad. Jackie, I hope you have all of them blocked from your phone, email, etc. *diablo*
These people have brought you
These people have brought you nothing but heartache and pain. Why would you want to meet up with them?
Someone who posted earlier in this thread talked about making connections with other people of a grandparent age in your community. That's what I was going to come on and suggest, but it's already been done.
In NZ there are volunteer groups that match up people with elderly people in the community who may be a bit lonely and socially isolated.
So you visit your person for say one hour per fortnight and just chat with them. Something like that would be amazing for your daughter (and you).
I'm sure they would have similar things where you live.
Go, be a family having lunch with the GPs.
Just be ready to blast them with the facts if they say one word about the poor SDs.
Lies to CPS, the risk that is to your own daughter, blocking, manipulation, etc..... They will not be allowed in your family until they live an extended time as decent adults and even then they will be in double secret zero tolerance probation for ever. Also make it clear that if the GPs support that crap the GPs will lose your family just as the lying SDs have done.
I wouldn't have my 3 y/o
I wouldn't have my 3 y/o anywhere near them. If with no just cause they don't respect their GD Mother they don't respect GD. So many great GP figures out there. You don't need them. When I was a single Mom with no family (most have passed) I signed my children up for the big brother/big sister program. It was fantastic. There are all ages of "big brothers" and "big sisters" in the program.