BM & GF Got Engaged
We had our twice weekly Facetime with SS10 tonight. We asked how his weekend was. He didn't really say much, then smirking, he said "We had a party." DH asked SS what the party was for. SS smirked again and said "It was an engagment party. Mama and GF got engaged." DH said "Congratulations" and tried to move on with the call. SS looped back around and said "They are going to get married Fall next year." DH said "That's cool" and again tried to redirect the call.
BM I'm sure was looking for a reaction from DH as we could hear her in the background and she didn't get one. After the call, BM emailed DH about something she forgot to tell him about SS saying "Sorry I forgot to tell you about SS's whatever, it was all so chaotic with the engagement and everything." DH just responded "No problem. Congratulations" and left it at that. DH doesnt care; he was very clearly over BM a decade ago.
DH and I aren't necessarily surprised that BM and GF got engaged. They have been together for 6 years, raise SS together as "two Moms", and own a house together. Is it weird that I'm bothered by it? I mean, DH and I got married 3 years ago, we own a house, and just had DD so its not a jealousy thing. I guess it bothers me because BM threw it up to DH 4 years ago, during a fight about SS, that BM and GF were going to get married and have a baby together. BM told DH that she had planned to propose to GF soon... and guess what, it never happened. According to DH, BM hates commitment so we both just thought she was blowing smoke to try to push DH's buttons, like she always does, trying to show that GF is replacing DH in SS' life. I guess I thought they would break-up at some point and honestly, I felt that was what they deserved; BM narcissisticly using yet another person to further her agenda and ending up alone and GF falling for it completely, getting her heart broken and becoming just another victim to BM's games. This is what I felt they deserved after everything they have put us through; BM abusing DH and I for years and constantly trying to ruin our lives and GF going along with the abuse and PAS because she wanted SS for herself. I didn't expect them to get a "happily ever after."
I'm never the type to wish someone sadness or harm, but I can't help it with these two. I kinda wish this karma bus would back into the two of them... HARD. Its been 9 years, when are they going to get theirs? No more celebrations and happy milestones. Is it bad that I want them to feel some of the hell they have put us through?
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Eh, let GF get a taste of a
Eh, let GF get a taste of a high conflict divorce when things fall apart.
That's true! Thank you for
That's true! Thank you for that.
I understand your feelings.
I understand your feelings, and it is not wrong to want them to feel some negative since they have been the cause of so much distress in your lives. Why should they get a happy ending when they are so mean? That being said, I had the same thought as thiscantbenormal - the odds are pretty good their marriage isn't going to last.
And even if it does last, it
And even if it does last, it's not the same version as your marriage. Those two nutters deserve to be locked together for eternity.
It must eat BM alive that you
It must eat BM alive that you and DH continue to live your best lives depsite how hard she has tried to leave DH a broken shell of a man.
And maybe that is also why it
And maybe that is also why it bothers me right now - DH and I don't feel like we are living our best lives. We feel very disconnected. I am 3.5 months postpartum and I feel like total crap. I am exhausted, my hair is literally falling out in chunks, I feel like a human milk machine, and my Mom pouch is all too real. I don't feel attractive AT ALL. DH is exhausted, working like 50 hours per week, and after all is said and done between work, the house, and DD, he passes out. We are definitely lacking in the intimacy department, which doesn't make my confidence any better.
Maybe all of these feelings and insecurities are making BM's announcement more bothersome. I feel like they are getting their happily ever after while DH and I are in a season of struggle right now in our marriage, as if we haven't struggled enough in the last 9 years due to BM and GF. I made reservations for dinner and hired a sitter for DD for this week just before SS comes. Hopefully a date night will help this to pass.
But taht's just it, I don't
But taht's just it, I don't think they're getting their happily ever after. It seems strange to me that BM has been more and more detached from gf in the last few months. I wonder what the engagement motivation was? Did gf give her an ultimatum - marry me or I'm out? Maybe it seemed simpler to BM to keep her babysitter happy and let life drag on? Either way, the wedding hasn't happened yet and I think the odds are that either the date won't be set for a very, very long time (BM playing for time) or there will be a break up ...
Don't despair. You are at a logical low - hormones, lack of sleep, exhaustion, DH none too present, bayby far too present (kidding!). It's only natural to feel like crap. However, this too shall pass. (Easier said than done, eh?) A date night will hlep you both reconnect.
You are right. I am only
You are right. I am only seeing BM and GF through the lens they want us to see, which is happy family, happy life. I'm sure it isn't all sunshine and rainbows like she wants us to believe.
I completely understand where
I completely understand where you're coming from- I felt very similar after DD2 was born. Try to focus on the fact that you just bought a house and had a healthy baby girl... I know you're probably not where you want to be physically (sleep, hormones, etc.) but that will all sort itself out. Just focus on living your best life- if you let her rent space in your head then she wins and she's not worth it at all..
Ahh mama I totally understand
Ahh mama I totally understand how you are feeling. Being a new mom is hard! My SIL used to say “I need to get the mom off me!” Make sure to take time for you, when you can. It does get easier but it does take some time.
YES! I need to take the Mom
YES! I need to take the Mom off of me! I did buy a new summer wardrobe this weekend and I booked a hair appointment. Hopefully those things will help me feel more like me.
How Dare You Buy A House
I'm not surprised. From her POV, you and DH are living your best lives. The request for medical reimbursement was an attempt to even the score.
This is an attempt at oneupmanship. She wants you to think their relationship is harmonious, but it's not. This will be a very long engagement.
SS's hesitancy seems like he is feeling something off about this, IMO.
If you're feeling frumpy, get some exercise. You'll feel better.
I agree. All of the little
I agree. All of the little "emergencies" like SS' "sensory processing disorder" that he developed overnight when DD was born, or the pin-drop sized bump that BM raced him to the ER for the night before visitation, or BM's tantrum about picking SS up at my parent's house where we were staying before moving into our house, only to send GF to do pickup, it's likely all related to that.
BM has spent years trying to one-up and be the best. The difference is, we never cared to compete, hell due to DH's CS, we could never afford to compete. BM always had new cars, fancy apartments, now her huge (but old and outdated) house and she LOVED to brag about it all. It was all about appearances. We just lived within our means, even if that meant an older apartment or keeping our 12 year old car. Now, we have DD and a beautiful new house; not to one-up BM, but just because it's for us. DH said that BM will be mad about both the house and DD once she does pick-up this summer and actually has to face the music in-person, but she will narcissistically brush it off, because her house is bigger and she has SS.
During the call, SS didn't seem hesitant to tell us; he almost seemed giddy like he was trying to rub it in. He kept smirking and only dropping little hints until he finally spilled the beans. He was genuinely excited, which I mean good for him because it means stability for SS I guess.
I get it. Even when I *know*
I get it. Even when I *know* my life isn't in shambles, I cringe whenever ET announces something new/exciting in her life. Like, what has she done to deserve the nice thing? Why does she get to be evil and still have good things happen? It's an emotional response to all the drama and trauma she has caused, and my tolerance for it is very, very limited.
Ultimately, though, I know I don't want to be her or have her life. Your BM and GF seem like they have it all, but you know how much work they put in to one-upping you and DH. They manufacture their own misery due to their insecurity or narcissism or whatever other mental health condition they're suffering from. "Keeping Up with The Joneses" is exhausting when it's an act, and with them you know it's an act.
Feel however it is that you want to feel about them, but know that you're living a genuine life. You haven't manufactured a life, so you're free to just live. Right now might feel like a low point, but things have to ebb and flow in order to make it worth it. BM and GF don't let things "flow", so they'll always be chasing the next thing to make themselves feel important or better or whatever.
Be upset, just don't let it consume you.
Thank you! You always know
Thank you! You always know exactly what to say. You are right, I don't want to be BM or GF or have their life. I think, for me, it all comes down to SS. Let BM and GF have all the things; the nice house, the new cars, all the money in the world. But when they announce milestones, for me, it all comes down to SS and the fact that they have sole custody, living their life as a "little family," throwing DH to the curb, when we fought and continue to fight so hard to have any sort of relationship at all with SS. And every milestone, even our milestones, is just a reminder that we will be doing all of this without SS. Maybe it comes down to control and that we have no control in this situation. I thought I had gotten over all of that, but maybe not.
I know it is a trauma response to everything we have faced. I haven't been to counseling in a year or so, maybe I need to consider going back.
Steplife (among other things)
Steplife (among other things) had me in counseling, too. It takes a LOT of work to finally get to a point where you just accept how things are, or at least you accept that you can't change them even if they annoy you.
I have a benefit you don't in having the SKs live here primarily, but I do remember the "old days" of ET being in charge. It sucks having someone else dictate so much and having so much control. It helps to remember that SS is his own person, and even if your DH and you had him more, he may end up hating you all. He may end up never talking to you again. There's no guarantee that "the end" will be SS having a good relationship with his dad, even in the best of circumstances.
What you CAN control is your own character. You and DH do everything you can to make SS feel included and remind him that he has family and is family. THAT speaks highly of you two, and THAT will inform both DD and SS, even if it ends up never sticking. You can go to bed at night knowing you did everything you could, and that eventually brings peace.
Give yourself some grace. Your acting in YOUR FAMILY'S best interests. That's beyond good enough.
This is all true. Thank you.
This is all true. Thank you. I need to keep in mind that we have control over ourselves and our family. We have control over what happens in our house.
I made the conscious decision to disengage from BM and her crap three years ago and I thought that by reaching that acceptance stage, it would mean that I would never be bothered by or care about BM and her games again. I guess it isn't as black and white as I had hoped because I still find many things annoying and painful.
This honestly feels attention
This honestly feels attention seeking from BM...otherwise, she wouldn't need to mention multiple times to your DH. The timing also feels a bit suspect, given that you and your DH just added your DD.
In our case, BM got a new boyfriend around the time that our DD was born...she was still married to stepdad at the time, but no worries for her. I think she actually told stepdad to leave the house the same week our DD was born...which I don't think was a coincidence.
BM also does the attention seeking thing with DH. Her sister (who was always terrible to DH) had breast cancer and BM must have mentioned it to DH about seven times, in different contexts. She made it seem like her sister was on death's door, but I think she had surgery and didn't need any further treatment. I think in addition to attention, BM was angling for DH to take extra weekends under the guise of helping her sister...