How much is to much?

Ok so I need parenting advice...

my Sd11 was an absolute monster this morning.

She was at the child care place her grandmother owns. This is where she catches the bus every morning. She was telling the staff that she can do whatever she wants because her grandmother owns the place, trying to physically intimidate one memeber of the staff, lying, throwing a fit while waiting for the bus, to the point that her grandmother physically control her because she was so out of control.

this is totally unlike her. She has given sass before and some attitude, but nothing like this.

DH is not happy, And there will be consequences.

The consequences he wants to do is she losses the special outing she was going to get to have this weekend, and loss of her phone for a week or more.

I was thinking it should be all of the above, plus loss of tv.
He is worried that over punishing her will just cause her to rebel later or act out even more... he thinks she will focus more on being angry at us for losing all her privlages or look at it through the "I have nothing else to lose" mentality and continue the behavior. He says that's basically how he reacted as kid and he ended up rebelling hard as a teenager.
I don't understand it because I was never really relabelous.

do you think he's being to soft or am I being to harsh?

her behavior is totally unacceptable, but I know and understand that she is dealing with a lot. Hormones have hit, she found out her biomom is back to her old ways (drugs, arrrests, jail, lying to her). So has a valid reason to be angry so there is that... but that does not give her a free pass to act like such a jerk.

I suggested that as a compromise the phone is revoked, the outing is canceled and no tv privileges until she writes a letter of apology to her grandmother and the staff.

I would love to hear some feedback.

what do you think is an appropriate consequence?

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Let the spankings commence.

Future time based consequences IMHO are nearly entirely ineffective. Kids are instant gratification creatures and as such need immediate consequences applied. Taking her phone, etc... will evolve in importance over the next few years. At 11, immediate unpleasant consequence including the humiliation of having to hold the corner together with her nose while everyone goes about their business around her is a far more effective discipline than the loss of a future outing, her phone, etc....

So, swat her on the ass, plant her nose in a corner for her to stand in for a few hours, then have the nose to nose conversation that it will never happen again without her living a life of abject misery for an extended period of time.

Lather............rinse............. repeat.

One thing that was a learning moment for my DW and I when parenting was that loss of events tend to also punnish everyone else in the family along with the miscreant. So, we adopted sentences as a key consequence for poor behavioral or performance choices. A kid too young to be left home alone represents a loss of event for everyone else.

Even after a behavioral event, SS did what we did when we did it, then when we arrived home he immediatley went to an isolated room and started writing sentences. As he got older, the sentence assignment numbers grew into the thousands.

e.g. "I will behave appropriately at all times and treat adults and everyone else with respect while doing what I am told when I am told to do it.".

For an 11yo, I would make the sentense assignment in the 2000-3000 range. All in perfect hand writing with perfect grammar and spelling at a minimum pace of 180-ish per hour. The quality element eleminates the ability of a kid to sit for the majority of an hour then crank out the hour's quota in 15-20 mins.

Make the sentenses fit the "crime". Any missed quotas for an hour erases that entire hours production. The same applies for hand writing, grammar, and spelling deviations. This leaves sentences looming when the family is out for a trip to the part, dinner, etc..

While everyone else is enjoying themselves and each other, watching TV, reading, playing games, etc... the ill behaved 11yo is writing. Alone. Hearing everyone else having fun and doing their thing.

The special outing was really

The special outing was really just for her... her father and I are not missing out on anything if it's cancled. She's the only one losing something with that

What does Grandma have to say

What does Grandma have to say about this, I mean it is her employee she got sassy with. Is Grandma going to give her consequences too? ( I vote for cleaning the toddler bathrooms). She need to know it won't be tolerated from her parents but Grandma should make it clear that being sassy to her employees is unacceptable too. IMO

I completely agree!!

Punishments should fit the

Punishments should fit the crime and should not be prolonged. I agree with losing the putting and APOLOGIZE to the staff and grandmother. Making her be accountable is essential. When calmer, discuss why she did this and coping strategies for difficult emotions.

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