DH arguing our bio must play sports where the skids play, even if it’s almost an hour away
Hi all, it's been a while, sitting here tonight and so frustrated with nobody who understands.
currently we have the skids every wknd, and every wknd it's all sports. DH has decided he needs to be more involved and spines more time so he also drives down another 2 nights a week to coach. Then he does all the pick ups and drop offs. So it's 5-6 Round trips a week. Then we take them to all their other commitments all wknd, bday parties etc. And often twice in one day. He's so tied up with all of this, he can't see he doesn't actually see me and bio through the week until it's bedtime and isn't with us until end of the wknd. Yet he thinks we're the lucky ones "all under one roof"
Bio is still a few years away from any sport, but tonight we were discussing schools so it came up. I said bio would probably just play somewhere nearby with his school mates. DH went ballistic, swearing and carrying on and telling me I have different rules for both kids. Ummm where did I make the decision about any of Skids sports. I'm just expected to go along for the ride.
sarcastically I said "well do you and your ex just want to discuss all future plans for MY children too and I'll just sit here and have NO say!" He got even more pissed at that comment. But how is it fair to me or bio that the decision is already made he must only play for the teams where skids who live almost an hour away play with their mates. Not to mention, by the time bio plays skids will he forms up and not even doing the early sports. Why get your at 6am to go drive over the place where bio has no friends just because DH think all its right. So angry. Not to mention DH is so busy with his skids all week he doesn't help with any running around, so while I'm working I'm supposed to be driving to where the skids once played...?? Someone have some rationality here!
Should say 'by the time bio
Should say 'by the time bio plays sports, skids are grown up and not even playing junior morning sport'
I'd say to give it time. A
I'd say to give it time. A lot can change in the meantime. He's going get sick of all the driving and his kids will have moved on by the time your bio is ready for sports. Your DH is going to realize that he'd be driving for an hour or more for nothing when your bio could be doing his sports near home and with friends.
Let it go... And see how he feels in a few years time.
Agree about giving it time
But another thought that occurs to me is "does your DH need some help with his mental health?". It isn't rational to start ranting about something like this.
Good catch. I found that odd
Good catch. I found that odd too. OP, is this typical of his behavior?
Fast question
What are you getting out of this marriage? A DH spending all his time driving around ? Do you go out for dinner together, do you have weekend get a always Vacation? If you were living alone what would be different .? No phone calls
I don't understand how your
I don't understand how your bio playing in the same town as the skids would even work. They would not be on the same teams, or have the same practice times, and their game times could conflict. DH can't coach both (and you know he'll choose skids). Does he think it's you would be also driving between towns for bio?
Harry's question is a good one. What are you getting out of this marriage? You don't have a partner.
Thinking ahead. Is this the life you want your bio to live?
If DH persists, and won't do family counseling, you may have to leave. Start your plan now. You don't have to execute it, but have it ready. (I went back and read previous entries. What is happening now is not sustainable long term.)
It’s not rational.
Time for the best word in the language. "No!"
Your child should have friends and activities locally. SO's prior breeding choices should not be a detriment to your life and the life of your child.
Men think far differently
Men think far differently about "quality time". There seems to be some concept of everyone is under the roof I am providing so all is well. Look at how many times skids come & do nothing but hide in their rooms or on e-babysitters and dads are totally okay with that or getting the skids only to leave them with their SOs. This is one of the reasons, I consistently recommend leaving the home when plans are canceled or a disagreement occurs. Leaving the nest so to speak gets a man's attention.
Embrace your southern belle, and do your best to swallow your anger or work it off another way (I rage clean). Anger just puts a man on the defensive and he can't hear your rational points. I would suggest visibly pointing out to him time with skids or him out of the home & time with you. A color-coded calender or something where it is very obvious & maybe a counselor to help drive your point home. If this doesn't work, I'd do my best not to be home during those windows when he is. Visiting family or friends & the like. My response would be "well, you weren't here so we decided to spend time with family."
Mmmmmmmmmm NO
Mmmmmmmmmm NO
going ballistic
sounds abusive to me, and disrespectful. Would he consider going to counseling with you? You can eventually bring up your bio child's future sports issue and let the counselor be the "bad guy". If he doesn't want to work things out with you in a respectful way, you may have a marriage problem. Please take care of you!
Sounds like he has it all
Sounds like he has it all figured out. That's great. Stand back and watch take care of ALL his kids. Watch him balance their different schedules and driving needs. It's sooooo wonderful for him to take care of this for you. You are so blessed.
What an A$$h@/ e thing to say. Not very bright is he? I would hold his feet to the fire and make it clear that he will do for your bios exactly as he does for the skids. No excuses.
that first paragraph is sarcasm of course.
What is his reasoning behind
What is his reasoning behind all this? What would be gained by sending your bio so far for sports? Sheesh, having to sit in a car for an hour before and after is enough to put any kid off of sports. It would feel more like a punishment than fun. So why is he so adamant about this?
My 2 cents
While I disagree with his approach. I think in his mind all the children are family and he may want all of them to be close with each other. He technically can't see it from your perspective. Given he made the statment "We are all lucky, we are under one roof." May lend to my thesis.
He does have to understand you have a say in what happens with your child together. It's hard, but if you guys do it right ,the children will only see they are brothers and sisters ,love each other and will look after each other thoughout thier lives.
I would explore by getting to the why he feels the way he does.
Best of luck
Male, Age 56. No Biological Children
Raised 2 step children full time and 1 part time
Married once , 21 years and counting.
If the dynamics still mean
If the dynamics still mean your DH has to travel to their area so frequently for their sports.. it might make sense that his other bio would do things in the same area so he could more easily see all his kid's things.
But.. if the kids are going to be adults.. and no longer in sports at at that time? I don't think he has thought it through.. but if they are in older kid's teams.. and yours would be in younger.. in the same area.. generally same timing? I guess that's what he is hoping would allow him to be involved in your bio's too.. while not ditching his older kid's involvement.
Noting that he doesn't NEED
Noting that he doesn't NEED to travel this frequently, he just does it. But I'm doing so, he's given all of his spare time to SKs and is not home (other than sleeping or waking up to shower and eat breakfast before work everyday) The extra commitments started when bio was born and he felt guilty. Over compensated to make up for it. Meanwhile I was left at home 7 nights a week until bed time with little help just so he could be "more involved" with his first kids. When I brought it up I was "keeping him from his children" and made out to be the worst person ever.
Now pregnant again, I've said if this doesn't change when baby arrives because I need him to coke home and help me, then myself and our bios are leaving for a better life where we are not made to feel second best to SKs 100% of the time.
To me, it should be about balance. It shouldn't be that our only choice to have a life where he is equally involved means we have to give up our own rights and decisions (as parents, but also as a young child who probably will want to do sports with his own friends)
So far I've been given no say in SKs schooling or sports, but am now expected to make sure my bios only get the same level of schooling as SKs (even though I may want to pay extra of my own hard earned cash for a particular school) and that their sports are now decided on even if as a full time working mum that means trying to get them to mid week trainings an hours drive away - just so DH can feel like he doesn't have to share his time. It doesn't sit right with me. Like someone else is choosing our life for us (BM and DH)
Yeah they will be reaching the late junior/senior teams at that stage. So games are typically around lunch time. There is no great reason to have to get up when it's still dark because of the driving. We could easily attend bios games which aren't wknds initially anyway, they're just after school, and still go to SKs games. By the time bio games change to wknd, SK are well and truly afternoon games only....and do you even NEED to attend every single game...
thank you for your perspective, I think I can't be swayed here!
some have mentioned marriage counselling in this post. I'm happy to say DH has agreed to this and its now booked in a few weeks. Watch this space.
Wow.. it's unfortunate that
Wow.. it's unfortunate that he has taken that stance.. I might want to gently remind him that while you appreciate that he wants to be a part of his kid's lives.. he also has a child at home.. and a wife too that would appreciate some attention. Yes.. he is likely excited about their sporting events.. but his baby and his pregnant wife could use attention too.. and not just a warm body on the other side of the bed while you sleep.
Have you ever discussed moving closer to his kids.. just wondering because it might make all the driving less time consuming leaving more time and energy for him to be with you and your own kids more?
Yes have discussed moving
Yes have discussed moving closer, but that would also require me to give up my job or commute approx 3 hours a day. Also doesn't work for him as his work is too far from there. Where we are is only 30 mins from the kids, so 1 hour round trip. And still an hour to work for me so it's the closest we can live and he within reasonable reach of my work, his work; and the skids. Their sports games however are further away.
Yeah.. I get it's hard to
Yeah.. I get it's hard to make changes like that. I drive 2 hours each way to work 3 days a week.. and it's a killer.
It honestly seems really dumb for them to be in sports that are in the wrong direction from your house. Since you are only 30 min a way from where they live.. finding sports options inbetween or your area seems like it would be an improvement.. even if your DH did the driving (which he is doing already... just further since he overshoots their house).
Good for you, stick to your
Good for you, stick to your guns! And congratulations on getting him to go to counselling. Make sure you have a list of things you want to discuss so that it doesn't all centre around him and his wants and don't forget you can change counsellors if this one hasn't a clue about blended families.
Start putting money into a new account for your kids' educations now and don't tell your husband about it. You'd have to be a certain kind of stupid to want to hold kids back if you can offer them more just because their siblings didn't get it. Someone above asked if this is his typical behaviour or is it a recent thing and I'm wondering much the same. Was there a trigger for all of this rigid and limited thinking?
I'll certainly be watching this space and looking forward to your next chapter!