Mother’s Day brunch with DH family..ex wife is coming!
Hi everyone,
Thank you for taking the time to read my issue.
Backstory: I am a mom of 2 boys 11 and 9, he has a 13 year old son.
We have been together for 6 years, and live 4 mins from each other but get together on weekends and during the week for family dinners..etc.
Since the beginning his ex wife has been in our lives a lot. She was coming to every family meal, as his family is really all she has. I was cool with it as I thought it was best for their son. Then Covid finally put an end to her at every event.. but this Sunday I was invited to brunch with his whole family. His son is with his mom this weekend and they weren't invited.
His son said he had "fomo" and took it upon himself to invite his mom to brunch... and she said yes!
the whole family feels weird about it.
DH said I'm suprised she said yes.. I said I'm not!
So, this Sunday I have to watch her laugh and interact with his family.. again while I sit there and feel awkward and left out.
she texts with my dh constantly and I've brought it up to him and he's trying to make it less.. he walks her dog sometimes and I just feel like there are blurred boundaries.
Their son is graduating grade 8 in June and I want to go but I haven't brought it up yet. If she is uncomfortable too bad! I think it's time I put my foot down. Am I over reacting??
Perfectly acceptable
I think your feelings are appropriate. It is lovely that they have such a good relationship for the sake of thier son, but this is a boundary issue. You should be able to be celebrated on Mother's day and be able to be comfortable. While BM may not have any ill intention here (although I would suspect she does because it seems odd to accept this invitation, I would not) she is limiting the relationship you can build with your DH's family. Esentially she is taking up all of the space and making it difficult (perhaps unintentionally) for you to have a place in DH's family. In the same situation I would probably politely decline to attend the brunch and enjoy my Mother's Day on my own with my kids without feeling secondary.
THANK YOU! This is the truth.
THANK YOU! This is the truth. His Mom usually talks to me as she sees right through this... His Dad has a closer reltionship with her, BUT he has said at dinners how amazing it is that his son and I found each other and how we are such a great match. Obviously these comments dont happen when she is there. Is this a control thing? I think so... and Im at the point that I want to speak to her about it...
you speak to who? his EX..
you speak to who? his EX.. NOPE... not appropriate.
The conversation that needs to happen is with your SO's parents.. and your SO has it. He tells them that while he understands wanting to be cordial with his EX for the sake of their grandkids.. that he is uncomfortable with her being involved in their social life.. especially when he is also expected to be present (like the Mother's day brunch).
What I would do at this point is tell your SO you are planning on taking your own bio for your own MD celebration.. that you don't feel comfortable with his EX being present... and plan on declining future social events where others plan on her being included.. save for the inevitable graduation or wedding.. no need for you to both be at events.
Did I read this correctly?
Did I read this correctly? SS is with his mom for Mother's Day. SS saw a social media post about the brunch and decided he and his mom were coming.
You all make very good points
You all make very good points. We dont live together but it works for all of us for now. My oldest son had a hard time with my divorce and this way we get to keep the boys as our top prioirty. Im not exactly sure how BM found out, but I suspect SS was told about our brunch, and he then said he wanted to invite her to his Dad. Its a tough spot to be in, but I think BM should have declined. Walking the dog or taking the dog sometimes really urks me. Im not sure how that will change as he loves this dog even though she got it after their divorce.
Im so angry and Im not sure what to do Sunday. If I decline... she will still go and DH will feel like he has to choose between me and his son. I am going becuase this woman cant control my life.... but Im getting close to saying something outright or even "Im surprised you decided to come. I though you had plans with your son this weekend?" She has a boyfriend and I suspect he just doesnt say anything about how close she still his with her ex husbands family.
I suspect SS was told about
This is where Dad should have set a boundary. Dad should have (gently) explained that this would not be happening. Mother's Day should be child and mom. That son would be spending the day with his mom not dad.
I think you need to have a
I think you need to have a heart to heart with your partner. Here are a few points you could raise:
SS is plenty old enough to walk the dog. Your partner can hand off that little task to his son.
SS and his mum can/should spend Mother's Day doing something together ie going out to lunch somewhere. If SS wants to see his grandparents, they can call in for a coffee later in the day (when you and your partner have left)
There is no need for your partner and his ex to be continually texting each other. Ask him to start boundaries around this....he can answer texts that are related to their son and are important, but cut out the constant trivial back-and-forth stuff.
Change starts with you, but
Change starts with you, but your bf has to be the face of it. And it won't be easy, because you've been going along with this system for years. I did, too. But being too nice doesn't get you far in step life.
I don't think I'd go. This is the one holiday of the year that celebrates you and your sons, so consider focusing on your own little family instead of being a part of another family's games. But be polite about it - the hosts' plans changed, you understand, so you'll make other arrangements. See how I did that? It makes you classy instead of petty, and puts the awkwardness on the people who deserve it.
And why hasn't your bf corrected his son for doing this? At thirteen, he's old enough to have the big picture explained to him. You don't crash parties, and you ask if you want to bring a guest. Just raising another generation with no concept of boundaries.
His son is also old enough to
His son is also old enough to understand that his dad's wife probably is not interested in socializing with his EX.
Sometimes you have to draw boundaries. Like in my husband's family.. He does not get along with his brother and his SIL. There have been a lot of bad blood issues and we refuse to be around them... for any reason. My DH's parents still have "family" get togethers.. we don't attend them.. and his parents know why we don't. His brother may think they have "won".. watever.. my husband still has a good relationship with his parents..but refuses to see his brother in a social setting. Honestly, I am not mad about it.. I hate the fakey fake family get togethers.. when I know how everyone gossips behind everyone's backs.. haha.
Ok, I read your other post
Ok, I read your other post from a couple of years ago and it sounds like nothing much has changed.
He invited his ex to have a glass of wine with you two when she arrived to pick up the son from an (unscheduled) visitation???? WTH?
This guy clearly has ZERO clue as to setting boundaries. He needs to lay some fast or else risk losing you.
This couple are divorced, both have new partners, yet seem unable to move on appropriately. This is NOT fair on the new partners.
Why don't they just get back together and stop hurting other people??
No, No, No
No Mother's Day with the ex. Let BM take her DS out buy her selve. Not with your SO. You come first. When he divorced BM these activities ended with the divorce. No playing Happy Family with the Ex. He didn't have a Happy Family with the Ex to. Start with I.e. divorce. This is not the time. Tell her she is not to come to the Mother's Day thing. END the madding
An X is an X for a reason. Or for many reasons.
The past is where an X belongs. Your DH needs this clarity, as does his family. Time for SS to get the message that his mom is no longer part of DH's family.
As for "fomo" in this skid, the pain of over stepping should be far worse than his fear of missing out. The Skid should be welcome at the Father's family events. The XW/BM... nope. Having the Skid rescind the invitaion will fix this now and prevent it from ever recurring.
IMHO of course.
On a related note, my XILs invited me and my new bride and young SS to their family events when they learned that I/we had relocated back to the city they live in. I declined . I would never do that to my bride, or my son. My past marriage has no place in my current family. Though that experience did in part make me who I am and formed me to be the best husband I can be to my bride. My DW and I have long agreed that our pasts are a big part of who we are and neither of us would change our pasts even if we could.
UPDATE
Thanks for all of your thoughts. At the last minute.... the ex decided not to come, but her son joined us without her! It was a releif but she's upset and feels "embarassed" that her son invited her and not the family. It was a lovely family brunch and my boys had a wonderful time. No one was weird to me, but my DH's father mentioned it was no big deal as he had lunch with the ex wife last week... well, what can I do about that. At least I wasnt there.
Going forward, She will have to deal with not being invited to these family gatherings. I can handle seeing her from time to time, but I think this has finally made everyone see what the new reality is. My man heard me. Defended me, and ultimatley I finally feel like part of the family.
Happy mothers day to all.
Great news!
Great news!
Nice to see a story that has a happy ending.
Of course your H still has to work on those boundaries, but at least you had a happy Mother's Day!
Peace to you.
Glad it all worked out. My
Glad it all worked out. My parents coparented just fine, got along, my mom and step mom even got along. That being said, not once did my mom go to any of my dad's family get togethers, except once at my brother's house. My dad had passed away years before that. Other than that, nope. That is just weird.